I feel it starting, like a prickle down my spine.
My rubbery lungs expand and push
against my ribs.
Organs start crawling
up my throat
leaving a hollow cavity
which I must seal.

My heart is pumping faster
but the only thing to get my blood moving
is to fill my emptiness.
Hands shaking I scrawl a haphazard
paper chain to keep me from floating away
as my love looks on concerned.

“Can I fill it with a kiss?
A caress? If I whisper to you
will my words fall through your ears and
weigh you down?”

But anxiety
is not like drowning
and a life preserver won’t reign me in.
The only thing to do is wait
for me to compress my lungs
and talk my insides off the ledge.

Let me close my eyes and breathe,
give me room to reassemble.
I promise I will come down soon.

When I can concentrate enough,
the Earth starts shrinking
until its mass rests on my pen tip
and I can write the blood back through my veins.

I always dreamed
Reimagining myself
Into someone with more confidence
Someone who is bold, brave, wise
Someone who can achieve everything
I can only wish for
I always dreamed of praise
For appreciation for what I do
Who I am
I strived for it
With each new reinvention of myself
Only to be disappointed
I am constantly unsure
Of who I am
Or where I'm going
And I just want to be me
Without restraint
And I can't shake the feeling
That I've been so lost in these ideas
Of who I should be
That I'll never be able to find
I'll never be able to be
Appreciated
For who I really am.

The girl with the tearless eyes,
The girl that cannot cry,
The girl thats always
"Good",
Always
"fine"

And you assume she is because
She's not crying
She's just smiling
So she's fine, right?

But she's putting on a face,
Putting on a mask,
Covering the truth,
Covering the past.

She'll cancel plans last minitue only to assure you she's fine just got caught up in some family ties.

But she's got trust issues deeper than the cuts she tries to hide.
More painful than the lies
And trying to pretend everythings fine.

And the names YOU called her?
Still echoeing in her brain,
Still imprinting,
Still remaining.

But she still tries to fake a smile,
Lay low for a little while,
Walk at a normal pace,
Keep it together!

The lie that you're living is bringing disgrace!
You are a disgrace, everything you are is built around it.

Till she can't even remember the lies from reality,
Did i smile?
Did i laugh?
Or am i still pretending?

She asks herself
As she laughs at the reflection in front of herself.
Will i ever be happy?
She asks head bowed down low in front of herself.

She's not okay,
She's always a lie.

Trying to fix her broken soul,
But the ghosts of the past still haunt her.

They torture her
*******
             *******
                           *******
The life out of her
And the happiness
And the hope
It's like the dementors are coming out into the night.

And she's not fine
But she can't cry
For the tears that once flowed put like niagra falls,
Have dried up like the sahara desert.

And her head is still pounding
As she tries to get some sleep
Still stuck poundering on the everyday life she dreads
Still poundering
                            Searching
                ­                            Searching
For her silver saviour,
Hoping to relief the pain she's been feeling in a river of red.

But she puts on a mask and fakes
a smile,
a laugh.

And you assume she's fine,
But she's soulessly screaming
Help me.
              Help me.
                             Help