13 months ago I experienced the biggest heartbreak I ever had.

12 months ago I was on a high.

11 months ago I made new friends.

10 months ago I did new things.

9 months ago I began writing more and more.

8 months ago I began a new school.

7 months ago I found a new best friend.

6 months ago I tried something different.

5 months ago I met a guy who understood.

4 months ago I began feeling cold.

3 months ago I felt nothing.

2 months ago I missed you.

1 month ago I cried every time I saw the color blue.

but now I realize that I am finally over you.

and oh how sweet it finally is.

he gives a permanent smile to all those who know him.
talking to him was like talking to a poem.

he is my lawyer
because I can talk
to him about my
'illegal' activity, but why
should love be illegal?

he is my doctor
because he can fix
me when I need
it. but why should
a girl be broken?

he is my everything
because I always seem
to be needing his
help. but why should
I trust him so?

i am guilty of looking at your lips in the middle of class.
wondering who else has looked at them.
wondering if they've wanted to kiss them.
if they've wanted to be yours.
i wanna be yours.
i am addicted to 8:35 on weeknights sneaking away during act 2.
i am addicted to choco-coffee from the best **** barista in town.
i am addicted to phone tag and craisins.
i am addicted to your lips.

I shouldnt have lied and said I was okay.
I should have asked you for help.
Oh god, I need your help.
I am shattered.
Do you not see my broken bones?
Do you not see the way I cry out for help?
I just want to be noticed.
I shouldn't have lied.
But you should've known.

maybe I am not
meant to fall in love with you
maybe nobody

do you not realize
how amazing you are? how
wonderful you are?

if you find a worm in your apple, you'll throw it away.
but there are still good parts.
the worm's only in one place.
some people are just too afraid to try the apple again.

we all have worms,
and the question is,
are you too afraid that you'll find mine?

all I'll remember from this April

is you

leaving me.

oh darling, even
the strongest shelters collapse.
even you will break.

it's like everyone is making fun of you for never seeing a zoosla.
but when you ask what a zoosla is,
well, if you saw a zoosla, you'd know.
that is exactly what sexuality is like.
you have no idea what it even is,
so how are you supposed to know if you've felt it?

I wanna know, and/or be,
your ***** little secret

5,000 calories does not make
you skinnier, only less empty

I want to hate you.
I want to love you.

you left a massive impact on me.
i have scars of both the mental and physical variety from you.
i fell too hard and too fast.

why am i falling again?
why do i want to see you?
why do i want to apologize?

i hate that i miss you.
i hate that i think you're a monster.
i hate that you hate me.

he is a lover of brokenness.
he likes antiques,
collecting little fragments of things.
he hates breaking them,
so he finds brokenness,
fixes it up a little,
takes a few pieces and leaves.
he's already taken a bit of me,
and unless I shatter again,
he'll leave forever.

I will not love.
I trust that I will not make that mistake again.
I will not mistake your care and attention as affection.
I will not cling.
I will not give into you.
I will not change for you.
But man, loving you feels amazing.

I like you.
like a whole bunch.
I like the way your fingers tap incessantly and the way your voice carries leagues across the blacktop and the way your lips curl up in that goofy smile.
but your heart is not mine and I don't need it I just want your hand to hold mine.
I just want to be yours.

when i see you
i am transported to a summer carnival.
and you are the ferris wheel.
you lift me up and take me to new heights.
but you drop me eventually.
you always drop me.
but maybe the drop is worth it because
I get to be lifted by you.

you told me that God put you in my life,
and that knowing me was a blessing.
at the time, I thought that was a good thing.
but now, I know better.
I was your training for what was to come.
God put you in my life to **** me over.
and of the four people that I let in,
you were the only one that cared about my eating habits.
the other three didn't care,
and I honestly don't think you did either.

I first learned the definition of clingyness when I met you.

clingyness is when someone is too emotionally attached; when they just can't give it up; when they're too close to someone; when they can't just throw in the towel; they have too much money on the game.

but clingyness is something you show none of.

some how it is so easy for you to just give it up.

you are like a 911 operator; people call you; people ask you for help, you give them help; you stop caring.

when I first walked into the strange building with no red no white all gold; when I climbed the stairs for the third time that first day; when I finally found a familiar face and heard them say I was finally gonna meet; when I saw you, I was drawn.

your name had lingered once on my lips before I was desiring your lips on mine; your greeting had rolled off my tongue once before I poised it to speak paragraphs of your greatness; your image had sat in my temporal lobe once before my cerebellum was telling my fingers to pick up a pen and write things for you.

you were like the sun and I was a planet orbiting around you; I was pretty much like pluto; you had so many planets around you; your effects barely reached me; everyone forgot about me; I still orbited around you because I had no choice; even though she did receive benefits and no one forgot her your venus felt the same way; you were your own mercury.

you may be smart; you may be able to balance equation in your sleep; you may speak circles around a college professor but if you were truly smart you would know how a treat a women the way that they should be treated.

see you have this way of making women feel like the only way they'll be loved is by being broken; like there is some innate limit on the intake and output of love; like love works like a speed limit; this is so toxic; when I first got pushed away by you I thought it was perfectly okay to hurt myself to receive love from you; the joke was on me because you spent all your love on yourself; maybe that's why you push everyone away you can't give or receive love; so I gave all my love to you and it bounced back but didn't go to me it was just wasted in the air kind of like when I said I loved you as you walked away and ****** I know you heard me.

I was too close to you; when you chose her I cringed; it was my fault; I'm too clingy.

when i began drifting out of your arms and into hers I realized that wholeness is valuable; love doesn't have a limit; I shouldn't have clung to someone who treated me the way you did; I cling to her now but it's okay because things are reciprocated.

its like building a bridge.
step by step.
plank by plank.
person by person.
slowly you begin coming out:
to internet strangers
to work friends
to madisons
to close friends
and suddenly; it isn't scary.

he creates music
in the way he plays
and the way his body awkwardly jerks away at contact.
the small frame moves away as if it is to be played marcato
and the piece (his body, that is) returns to maestoso
and she creates lyrics
in her notebook
and in her life.
everything has anaphora.
she writes lyrics that always begin him.
(everything in her life begins with him, she'd like to think.)
and everything is an example of apostrophe.
everything she does is directed at someone who won't care about her.
and when these two meet up,
when their bodies collide,
the most beautiful composition is created.
his moves alter between marcato (louder, forceful)
and maestoso (majestic, smooth)
and her lyrics are very anaphoric (oh, ****)
and everything is all for him.

stand me up under the truck
mixer on full speed
turn it higher, higher
pour liquid on me
if I can't learn to stop
destroying myself
destroying others
make me.
turn me into stone

as the night falls quiet and the moon
is covered up by the lies she told,
you pace. you sit in your room, crying
because where is she now? she said she’d
never leave, but where is she now? as
the night grows empty, so does your heart.

he had gray vans
and khakis
and a gray jumper
and brown eyes
and brown hair
and tan skin.
but all I wanted
to see on him
were those
dark blue hanes.

she lives alone
and can't you tell?
it's never known;
her secret hell.
by day,
all seems alright
she'll never say
what haunts at night
various demons
that we'll never view
seem quite meaningless
to me and you
in the dark, secrets hide
for we all have a darker side.

a poets sin may be the words they create,
but when you said poetry isn't pretty
you forgot about your own.
and in violet,
you have truly succeeded
in speaking the language.
your words are concise in a way that mine will never be.
but you are amazing.

I do not wish for death.
I wish for life.

how come i only look
pretty in a stupid dress?

i can't breathe without
suffering from the fear of
drowning in the air.
i am an underwater
creature and this air
is poisonous to my lack
of lungs. i need you.
you are the water in this
stale air. i need you.
you take away my fear of
breathing. with you i can breathe.
-----
i do not know why
you are not like air to me.
why are you like my
water? you are just a boy
and i am just an
underwater creature. i am not
worthy of you at-
tention. i don't deserve to
breathe you everyday.
i wish you were the air so
you would be like my poison.

many times, when you run through someones thoughts, you know why you are there.
i know i am in my best friends thoughts because she worries about me.
i know i am in my grandmothers thoughts because she worries about everyone.
why am i in your thoughts?
what makes you hate me?
i have said a handful of words to you and now my crush and i are your favourite targets.
you barely know me, and yet i apparently disgust you.
well, maybe the repulsion you feel upon hearing my lower timbre voice, my lower timbre instrument, maybe the repulsion you feel upon seeing my too big waistline, my too big ***, my too big face with too little makeup on it, maybe all those awful feelings would vanish if you knew me.
i bet if you took time to dive into a lake, you could find gold at the bottom.
even if the top makes you wanna **** yourself.

he went looking
for the girl
he had fallen for.
he needed to
explain, to make it
better.
he found her
in the local newspaper.
-
he went looking
for someone
to blame.
someone else,
anyone else.
he found it
when he found the note
-
he went looking
for the girl again.
he found her
at the bottom of the bridge

she went looking
for suicide
on the town's local bridge.
she found a boy instead.
he wasn't like her
but he was
looking for the
same thing.
they never found
suicide, but instead
solace in each other.
-
she went looking
for love
at her first date
with the boy.
she found his other
girlfriend instead.
she wasn't like her
but she was
looking for the
same thing.
neither of them found
love, but instead
rage towards the boy.
-
she went looking
for suicide again.
and this time,
she found it.

was it the energy drink
or the morning encouragement
that was making me giddy
at 6 in the morning?

extraño tu.
extraño tu todos los días.
él no es lo suficientemente bueno a recoloco ella.
ella no fue lo bueno.
pero él no es lo suficientemente bueno.
no soy lo suficientemente bueno.
extraño tu.

my feet are slipping again.
(you say you just like to  disappear, you hate texting.)
I just have two ways to go.
(I knew this was a mistake.)
I can't fall for you, so I'll fall from you.
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)
(I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry)

you are not as strong as you once were.
your defenses are weakening, and the troops are retreating.
but you stay planted.
you will not move until this war has been won.

you ache with hunger.
your body caves as all missionaries desert and you find yourself the only one armed.
but you stay planted.
you will not move until this war has been won.

you cry at night.
your mind has gone crazy and the journalists have taken your heroic story from the headlines.
but you stay planted.
you will not move until this war has been won.

you will not move until I love my self.

tell me three things.
•How are you doing? I miss you and I want you to do okay.
•Why don't you believe that I love you? Why don't you believe we all love you? We all love.
•Why won't you believe me when I say that you make me happy and that I've been where you have.

Brandon, I want you to be okay. I care about you.

looking back, you never wanted me.
you said you wanted a good democrat to take home to mama.
you wanted a trophy.

i sped all the way to campus.
i'm sure i went over the speed limit.
you couldn't wait one more hour.

i wouldn't say yes.
we had a date, but i couldn't say yes.
you need the answer, don't you?

i have never let another see me naked.
others have taken my clothes, but you took my shield.
i trusted you with my vulnerability.

in the afterglow, i wrapped my arms around you, a hand on your chest.
you made big promises and big plans that we both know you couldn't keep.
i trusted you and told you i'd see you after work.

you said you were so tired.
i offered up a bed, but you said you needed to think.
you always need to think.

i woke up three hours early so i could stop by your room before class.
i wanted to cuddle, you told me to stop it.
i thought you were joking.

the text still lives in my phone.
i didn't want to make it official.
so you didn't want to make it work.

you never wanted me.
you just wanted a status update.
you didn't care who you dated.

you were gonna use me.
i was gonna be the girl you could show mama.
i was gonna be your prize.

it's better that it happened this way.
you are not who i thought you were.
i am not who you wanted me to be.

-hm.

the sun beats on my shoulders.
the autumn breeze ruffles my hair.
i walk happily.
the path is laid clearly.
the destination is near.

i near your location.
the house is in front of me.
the siding and roofing is deteriorating.
i knock on the weakened door.
the door blows down.

the house is too worn down.
i barely recognize it.
the color is different.
the memories are gone.
i am without a childhood home.