Feeling is tiring.
because smiling, loving, hurting, fuming takes too much of your strength that caring about anything doesn't sound worth it.

Just because of
Authority,
I am silenced.

How I wish
one day,
I no longer had to deal with you
and your issues.

Because not until then,
even when I'm on the opposite side of the planet
You will still think you have power over me.

And you do.
Because I'm the best and worst daughter.

Blood ties me to you.
It chained me to your twisted mind.
and the most annoying and hateful voice I will ever hear.

and *******.
for everything ever.

in the morning my blood is cold,
there's chips of ice crawling around my heart
And it paralyzes me.
my mind has control over my body.
it's hard to breathe like this.

I'm so cold I'm shaking.
my lips are blue and
My skin has frostbite all over,
But I'm the only that can see the damage

I get looks of pity
when I try to claw out of my body,
I sliced through my legs and arms
I tried to make an escape

there's a war inside of me that I can't seem to appreciate
please please please, leave me be.

long hair cut short.
apology after apology.
jackets often worn,
if not, sweaters or
long-sleeved tops.
anti-social,
not because
i hate people,
but i fear they hate me.
isolation in my bed,
sometimes,
panic attacks
in the bathroom.
constant overthinking,
whether 3 am or 3 pm.
scribbles thoughts
into poems,
but hides them.
pushes away,
even though i want
to pull them closer.

there is not such thing as
falling out of love

It is either
Love
Or
All-the-feelings-mistakened-as-love

There are so many things
that I want to say to you.

Countless things.

I once told you
"I will love you
for a very long time
until planet explodes....
then a while longer."

But I lied.

There will never be enough time in the universe
for me to express every last bit of love I feel for you.

I lied.

because there isn't an end date to this
this isn't some food or event
true love isn't an object
it is eternity

Thank you in advance
for forgiving me for lying
because eternity still does not feel enough

for all the things we dream to do together
for all the words we want to say
for all the moments we wish to take each other's hands

for all the thank yous and I love yous we'd say everyday

never have I ever been confident in myself

so forgive me
when I fear

that this 'love' I think it is
isn't The love

Trust me when I say
with all my heart,

I want you to be The One.
so very much
more than anything I've wanted ever in my life

which says a lot.
I have many wishes that came back as disappointments

But I've always known how blessed I am

So I wish
this time

with all the blessings I will ever have
for the future and love we promised each other
to be real.