on the way home
i listened to music
that made me think of you
blessing each note
with my mind, saying
"thank you for understanding
every single time"
and i say this to the music
because i cannot say it to your face
and yes, i just compared you
to the corner of my life
where everything is sound and i feel safe
and yes, it is
a compliment

it was all i could do
not to uncap my pen
and mark you, let the ink
seep into your skin
let the words, the anxiety bleed through me
and into you
so that you might understand

how do you feel?
you ask
and i want to write it into you
scratch the answer deep
or at least
write it down
and it's all i can do
not to unleash these words
every minute of every day
they're kept at bay
until i can string them together
alone

so that the next time you ask
how do you feel?
i will have nothing to say
except
fine

i'm no Houdini
but sometimes i feel
like more than just an everyday
escape artist
as i climb over the walls
of yet another situation

more and more i find myself
performing my way out
of heavy conversation
writing paths across the words
that i'm walking away from
building ships so i can sail
across the thoughts i've been swimming in

i'm no Houdini, there's no need
to prove myself with cuffs and chains
just the simple strain of too much meaning
if you want to see me

slip away

the snow today
felt like a blanket
and my scarf was a masquerade mask
as i twirled through the day
on broken costume stilettos
with the stain of stupid words
colouring my lips

today, i finally came up with
something to say
that makes sense to me
now, all i need
is some other masked dancer
to say it to

can life just be a masquerade?
can we just judge each other
by tone of voice
and tilt of head
and honest things said
and simple choice
and just
that gut feeling you get?

today, i finally came up with
a request
and i've got the tape paused in my head
just waiting
for something to click
for someone to reach out and press play

please don't call me by my face
call me by my name

today, i told a friend
that i am digging myself
deeper each day
and it was the first time
i could admit it out loud
and the words
displayed themselves
loud and bright
across the screen of my vision
so that i had no choice but to read them

and it's true

"you're in too deep"
i tell myself
as another inch goes by
"you're in too deep"
i tell myself
as my hand disappears within yours
"in too deep"
repeats in my head
as i pull you in with me
"in too deep"
this guilty stereotype
describes my day perfectly
and as these words echo around me
i ask you to join me again
the next day

"in too deep"
i told my friend
and it's true

and she nodded, perhaps understanding
the feeling

i wished i was talking to you
so i could say
"i'm in too deep"
and you could say
"me too"

soft, cold tread
of careful footsteps on the ice
and it's so ironic
that i'm holding your hand
to keep from falling

and i thank you without thinking
a knee-**** reaction
to each time you make my day
while inside my head the obsession
replays
asking myself in circles
twisted, burgeoning circles
is this just the game again?

and i love that rush
icy lights above, hard seat below me
and then your mouth is soft on mine
in the middle of everywhere
and i have trouble opening my eyes
when you pull away
and i am ashamed when you notice
the shifting colours in my cheeks
because i am afraid
to betray
the easiness with which i sink
into you

we are too familiar, you and i
too similar, too scarily in tune
and it didn't take long, did it?
where did this comfort come from?
these questions carve my tongue
into ribbons, and yet
you never notice
when yours meets mine
and the guilt is swallowed
before you can taste it
just in time

and i ask, again
where did this comfort come from?
or are we just two people
in the middle of winter
taking solace in the warmth
of each other?
will we part ways easily?
somehow, i find myself
dreading that experiment

where did this comfort come from?
this heat that spreads
across my chest
and through my stomach
and down into my frosted knees
as the cold melts away from me, forgotten
like the hour and the place
as the wall behind me
is crushed into my spine
and i am strong again
our bodies create a hole in time
so perfectly fragmented around us
and the clock fades into grey
tugging at my fears

and i want so badly
to keep feeling this way
all through winter
for as long as i can
but
i just wish i didn't care

where did this comfort come from?
and will you meet me there?

i couldn't wait to go outside today
you see, i woke up
needing a challenge
and the weather forecast had predicted
a warm shower of water
and then a quick freezing of the road
leaving the cement covered
with a sheet of clear ice
and i couldn't wait to try my hand
at staying upright
you see, i got up today
wanting more
wanting a reason to try harder
hoping the forecast would be right
and it was
and i laced up my boots
ready for the challenge
sure, some small feat
just two or three minutes
spent trying my hardest, perhaps
it seems like nothing
but to me, one challenge overcome
no matter how small
predicts the next victory
coming my way
and i need that knowledge
that certainty
so i can wake up
tomorrow
and face the challenge again