s: Favorites

Jul 2016 s

Violent

Jul 2016 s

Pea

Violent

Hair falls out like the
Lady down the haiku stairs
Scattered on the ground

#stayingbland

Jul 2016 s

Before You Go

Jul 2016 s

Gemineyed Gypsy

Before You Go

So much time is wasted.
How often are you lost in thought?
Trapped within a whirlwind of emotions, You can't stay grounded.
You're lost inside yourself.
Numb.
Numb to the world around you, to what's standing right before your own eyes.
A blank slate.
In a vegetative state.
A water balloon about to pop.
So much pressure building up from the inside out, these words won't stop.
Soon you will burst.
Stop your mind before your heart stops beating.

FOCUS.

Thump thump. Thump thump.
It starts off slow, so slow you begin to wonder if you still have a heart at all.
Perhaps your mind has just taken over and soon your lungs will give out.
Perhaps this is the end after all.
Is this how I go?
In a motionless state, just waiting for the next ***** to shut down...
You try to breathe.
It only hurts.
THUMP thump thump THUMP thump thump.
Now it won't stop.
THUMP thump thump THUMP thump thump.
The beat gets faster, the breathing harder. Tears begin to stream down from the eyes.
You feel as though your body is going to let go.
Fear is taking over.
You're giving up, ready to jump, just throw it all away...
You can't do this alone anymore. You have no desire to try.
You believe this is the only way out.
This tsunami, this hurricane, this eruption of emotions are consuming you.
Eating you alive.
--Silence--
Before you go, remember one thing. The most important words you will ever know...
You are loved, and
Love conquers all.

Writings through a battle with anxiety.

© 2015 Ashley Jean.
All rights reserved.
Intellectual property of the author.

#love #fear #anxiety #silence #anxious #give-up

Jul 2016 s

psych 1110

Jul 2016 s

L

psych 1110

when i was in seventh grade i thought i was thin
i had never looked at my body and thought it wasn't good enough or compared myself to anyone else or gave a **** about the numbers.
when i was in eighth grade a girl called me fat
it resonated with me. it bounced around in my head every second of every day and i began to look at other girls and see that i wasn't like them, i wasn't thin, i wasn't perfect, i wasn't good enough.
when i was in ninth grade i started to believe her
i hated my body every night i would lay awake and pinch my fat and cry until i fell asleep because i hated myself and everything about me
when i was in tenth grade i stopped eating
i remember the first day like it was yesterday, i took more food than the other girls and for the first time i noticed. i didn't eat like a girl and maybe not eating would make up for the years i'd spent as a whale.
when i was in eleventh grade i knew i was thin
but i didn't care. a girl saw me in the halls and told me i should be a model and all i heard was "keep starving, get better" so that's what i did and it made the hunger pains and fainting spells feel almost worth it.
when i was in twelfth grade i decided to get better
better is a nice way of saying fat (it was a mistake and that's all there is to it)
when i went to college things got good again
and by good i mean bad, at least i think i do, because i got thin and unhappy but i was unhappier before so at least i was thin again, right? no one noticed and no one cared except a university counselor who spewed a bunch of textbook ******* about loving myself until i finally quit calling her back.
now i don't know what to do
two options before me but only one in my hands and it represents the girl i will become. "you could be a model" or "you're so fat" are phrases i say to myself every day and i wish it wasn't that way but it is.
dear future me:**
are you better? or are you thin? because you know you can't ever be both.

Jul 2016 s

i'm sorry

Jul 2016 s

L

i'm sorry

your touch is burned into my skin and i
can't get away. you're in my dreams and
every time i close my eyes it's like you're
right back here, in my room, in my head,
in me. silence has become my best friend
and my biggest fear. i have become silent
and afraid. silence brings back every little
memory. your hair was soft and frizzy. at
first i found it endearing. that did not last
long. you were gentle through it all, and it
really confused me. how could something
so gentle be so wrong? i wasn't silent then.
you knew what i wanted, and what i didn't.
maybe if i had been silent things wouldn't
have happened. maybe if i'm silent now i
can pretend it didn't happen. maybe if no
one knows and no one cares, maybe then i
can stop knowing. stop caring. stop seeing
your face everywhere i go. stop flinching if
i ever hear your name. it feels like you stole
my voice. you're gone, but you're still here.
you'll never leave and you'll never listen to
me. i said no. you said yes. and that's what
mattered.

i don't want to feel like this anymore. i don't want to feel anything anymore.

Jul 2016 s

Bookmark

Jul 2016 s

Aoife

Bookmark

you're the book
i read once and never again
i didn't want it to end
rushed through it too fast
the pages are so clean
no memories, no touches
i hope when you read it
you take your time
to smudge the paper
and fold the corners
because you forgot a bookmark

and just like a book
i would give anything
to be able to read him
for the first time
all over again

#poem #poetry #poet #people #book

Jul 2016 s

OverDose

Jul 2016 s

Anndreana Brooks

OverDose

Over Dose

I Took A Deep Breath I Counted To Four I Pulled Out The Bottle And Watched The Pills Hit The Floor. Memories Flash By Of Who I Was Tears I Cry My Life Was A Lie I Swear These Pills Are Messing With My Brain Countless Thoughts Are Driving Me Insane. Take this razor to my skin men I just Want this **** to end all I wanna do is to be able to smile . again I lay on the floor and watch my life flash over and over again I feel the over dose taking my hand the numbness through my body make my head spin never thought I would have this feeling again my Moms at the door I here her cry there's nothing she can do I was ment to be left here and ment to die life I lived but this is what it lead too depression that caused a overdose

A Person Can Only Take So Much All The Silent Crys Aren't Gonna Be So Silent Once You Don't Here Em Anymore

#suicide #pills #depression #pain #alone #overdose #silentcrys

Jun 2016 s

Puppet

Jun 2016 s

Kay

Puppet

The world is my audience,
I am on stage,
No emotions left,
Just a puppet in a cage.
Reaching out,
Waiting for a hand,
The only one they give me,
Is clap and stand.
They try to break me,
Waiting for it to end.
But they cannot break,
What only bends.

#depression #lonely #alone #performance #puppet

May 2016 s

To Those Whom It May Concern

May 2016 s

Parker A Blackwood

To Those Whom It May Concern

I lied
Over and over and over again
There's nothing to be done that could've been done with what I gave you

Friends, I am sorry I **** at being just that and if you say I am a good friend
Look at what I just did, good friends don't do that to others
But, I love you all and this is the truth

Good people don't do this
Selfish people do
Weak people do
Cowards do

Family, I am sorry for lying to you and saying I'm alright
But most of all I'm sorry about how much of a problem I was
For wasting your time and effort and money
I'm sorry for causing you pain
I love you all and this is the truth

And to all others whom it may concern
Whether I passed you in the hall
Or was in your class
Or played on your team:
The world isn't that bad of a place
I just got the wrong mind
And if you look for hope its there
It just takes some time

And I love you all and this is the truth

This is the end.

#love #friends #depression #weak #family #lying #bipolar #suicidenote #mania #psychosis

Mar 2016 s

i miss vodka

Mar 2016 s

L

i miss *****

I just feel numb all the time it's like I'm in my body but not really it's like my body is a prison slowly draining me of anything worth speaking of.
Do you ever feel like your body has betrayed you? I have. I do.
Nothing looks the way it sounds and people don't think before they speak anymore. No one cares and nothing matters.
If I go back to that place would she still be there? No.
There's a playground I think about when I want to die and I like to imagine that the happy version of me has lived at that playground ever since she left me but I know she's not there. I killed her and her absence is killing me.
Every ounce of me is stuck in my head and my chest is empty. I think too much and breathe too little and I think I'm going to die.
When the world stops making sense, start making nonsense. You'll never know what that means because I'll never tell.
Endings are harder than middles but the middles still ****.
Goodnight.