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Every light that shines
Casts the shadows I fear

Every smile I fake
Stained by a thousand tears

Every word I speak
Cold and dead as my eyes

Every night that sets
Darker with each sunrise
 Dec 2016 Prescott Robbins
J
We parked our car in the middle of the woods
of the town I half grew up in
and when I had anticipated anxiety,
a flood of scattered memories,
I felt at peace.

The sunroof was open and midnight approaching,
we did not shut out the brisk air, we let it in
my lungs played a tune, an accordion in synch
with the frost and the moondlight around it
I closed my eyes and just sat, sure I would be tense at least,
but I felt at peace.

I felt whole though alone,
for the first time in months,
I felt home
in myself,
my demons did not follow me to sleep,
no. I felt peace.
I had to let the cold in to **** all the bugs
that crawled in my head and raised families this year,
I had to open the window when it was three degrees,
to let in the air that would abolish my fear,
I felt at peace,
just existing.
Our winter nights as children
would find us lying next to the floor vent
of the heater, at most two of us at a time, in our old drafty house, just to stay warm.

Dad would line the windows
with plastic and stuff towels in
the cracks of the panes to
stop the cold air from coming through.

A few times, we only had
the heat of our oven to warm up the kitchen,
Several bedrooms were locked up
to conserve what heat we had,
dad would always drip water from the faucet
to keep the pipes from freezing

My parents couldn't afford much
in those days, not on a mechanic's wage,
and feeding a family of eight
Our warmth was what we had,
our bond in the winter months
It' was not much warmth, but it was ours.

Our walks to school were even colder,
bristling through the knee deep snow
in our second hand, Goodwill jackets
and two pairs of thin gloves and socks
to keep our fingers and toes from freezing.

Every morning, my mom would prepare us
either a hot, steeping bowl of oatmeal
or cream of wheat, the smell of dad's military
coffee lingered throughout the house,
long after he left for work.

It was those mornings, I remembered most though,
those 6 am mornings, in a old, drafty house,
you could hear my dad shuffling the newspaper
just before my mom would knock on our bedroom doors to get us up

Its been a month of your passing,
I can still hear you rustle the newspaper
and I can still smell your burnt military coffee
every morning since and I still don't want
to get out of bed

We didn't have much warmth in that old, drafty house, but it was all ours.
My father passed a month ago, I don't think I am over it quite yet
The sun melted a crayons on my eyes and now I see rainbows
I was born of dust and bones,
to a battered mother across the pond.
With a warm *****
and gentle hand,
she would cradle me gently.

On a many days,
her eyes would melt tears
into my cotton wool blanket.
I felt her agony
seep through the simple
fabric of our bond.

The coward would stalk
her with his angry words,
Knowing she could not
leave him, because she
feared more bitter moments
of bruises

During the silent times,
her violent screams would turn
to whispers and lost time,
But she would always find a way
to cradle me in her arms.

As minutes turned to hours in the day,
I laid helpless in my crib.
A somber calm shadowed over me,
the feeling of my warmth was gone.
I wept but a single tear down
my rounded red cheek.

I could not cry anymore,
for I feared those angry words
and violent hands.
I laid in her whispers and lost time.
The cradle of her warm *****
and gentle hand were
no longer here.
From an infant point of view. Cradled by a mother, we seem to never forget when it all started
and these waves
             of longing
                  are burning me
              into stumbled
           desert trances
  as I crawl, parched
upon
        earth that
             sears and spears
                 my limbs
                        my inner organs,
                             once wet              
                 with the fire
             of my blood
now only
ashen embers
         the very salt
               of the sum of
              my wounds
lacerated open -
   barely held by
        a secret tourniquet
            wrapped tight, ******* me  
      in reverse tempest
and I clamor within my being
move in jolts,
like a voodoo dance
             zombie girl
stuck in the hell
of no-woman's land
a landscape of spires  
piercing me hot
making the sharpened path
dangerous for strangers
As for me,
I can only succumb to
their scalding roast
if I want to somehow
get out alive,
my skin charred
from that branding of insults
my heart scarred
from countless lashes
that your serpent's tongue
has inflicted upon me
             This.
is not the pleasure
of being tethered
tender flesh teased
  until writhing
                   This.
          is not the grind
          of earthen fire
           and sky mixed
     with underwater lava,
swarming cloistered whispers
   into my brain temperatures
                This.
is not the conflagration of
love seeds developing
into a ripe field
of the succulence of lustfruit
            This.  
        Is just an
        attempt
   to wear down
the goddess in me
     And to that
          I say
          No.

I turn the other cheek
to your barbed wire lies.
In the frequencies of the
next universe over,
an echo bursts into flames
rapidly oxidizing,
licking into
           nourishment
the rebirth
   of my
own
    divinity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gazrc-E8eNk

Inner death?
Not today.
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