this will never go away,
i know with certainty.

when i see the way
your hair begins to curl
as it’s growing out.
the way you look,
i remember your smell.
the feeling of you in
my heart.
beside me.

my heart will always
beat for you.
my soul will always
shine for you.
i will always
feel for you.

these palpitations will
never leave me alone.
no matter how much i
want them to.

they say if you love something, you should let it it go.
if it comes back to you, it was always yours
if it doesn't return, it was never yours to begin with
you've came and gone so many times that i've let you turn this home into a hotel room,
let you turn the bomb shelter of my arms into just another pair of limbs -
let you leave a vacancy between my fingers where yours once intertwined with mine like a promise.

these days i keep a lock on the door,
guard my heart with my arms crossed.
I keep my hands to myself.
they say if you love something, you should let it go
sometimes letting someone go is the same thing as pushing them away
sometimes letting someone go means holding onto yourself
sometimes letting go means not letting them return,
no matter how hard it is to lose something that once belonged to you.

[PRESS PLAY]

there is no light in this
place where i reside.
my eyes go black and
there
         is
    only
            condemnation.

can you imagine being devoid?
a soul like nothingness.

what allows you to imagine?
what allows you to wonder?

[PRESS REWIND]

once i had felt the light.
once i was the light.
now i am lost, eyeless.
if only i could unsee.
if only i could unspeak.

what to do when such
secrets blind you, silence you.

[FORWARD TO THE FALL]

i thought i was sunlight.
i thought i was kind.
now i understand
         i understand.

nothing can be undone.
it can only be remade.

you want to believe they will grow to miss you. you know you are wrong when you say they will realize what they let go. they never made a mistake; you didn’t either. it was a flame meant to suffocate. while you got hit with the explosion, they had lit the fuse. they were walking away and left you to pick up the mess that was made. what pieces of belief you had were shattered; you worked so hard to put them together. soon, your skin will harden to protect those parts of you that are so naive. bombs will fall around you, and you will get knocked off your feet. but the more they happen, the stronger you will grow, and the easier it will be to pick yourself up off the floor. this is what life is. this is the danger of love. this is the danger of hope. this is the danger of trusting anyone besides yourself. you can’t even do that anymore, though.
you will grow.

They have slain the life
who lit my eyes alight.

They have slain the sky,
in all colourful starlight.

They have slain my flame,
leaving dead coals unbright.

And they have slain
all my feeling.
My moon, my sun,
all is dead and gone.

And they have slain
the mercy inside me.
I will break the stars
to bring back what was
ours.

Now I have slain,
and as you wait for me,
in the skies beyond the sea,
know you were my mercy.