I could write a love poem.
If I wanted to,
I could fill the page with clichés.
I could find artificial rhymes so I could say,
"I wrote a poem!"
Not just a mess of words.
I could tell a million times of how I long for her smile,
I could remind you that I dream of her eyes,
In a hundred words maybe?
But, that's not the point is it?
To write a poem like that is not for show,
So, I don't.

The important things,
I say them.
Plain and simple.

Well...
Until I'm in the mood for elaborate forms
And
S
t
  r
   u
    c
     t
      u
         r
           e
             s
Like that.
Then I go back to my usual,
Cryptic,
Metaphorical,
Self within the pages.

Am I strong enough?
Could I end everything I fought for?
Just for one last glorious,
Stab at the person I was,
The person I came to be,
The person I could never be but,
Taunted me so,
Close but sep-
-arated from reality,
Too perfect,
Too believable. No!

I could never be them,
How could I?
With my past as it is,
Tainted with betrayal,
Infused with fear,
Pain a part of my very core,
No.

I could never be them,
Never like any other,
My mind split like it was,
Never meant to be together in the first place,
All them around me never,
Understood. Never,
Tried to understand.  Never,
Changed, always the same.
No.

I could never be them.

I am
What I
Am, but
I don't
Always
Want to
Be me.
Even
When I
Know I
Should be
True to
What I
Know is
Me, I
Still find
A way
To av-
-oid be-
-ing me.
In the
Simple
Hope that
Perhaps
Being
Someone
Else will
Make it
Easi-
-er to
Cope with
For me
And ev-
-ryone
Else who
Knows me.
Or rath-
-er knows
The per-
-son they
Call me.

Time could pass,
Between my footsteps,
Eternities in each pace,
Before I'd realise.

The sky could dim,
And glow and dim,
And glow thousand times,
Before I'd look up.

Waters of ages could fall,
Or rise to meet my breaths,
And carve the path before me,
Before I'd blink.

But if I stopped,
I'd see.

It would have been easier,
If I had never met him,
It would have been easier,
If I'd known what he wanted,
It would have been easier,
To turn away before it was too late,
It would have been easier,
If I'd realised sooner,
It would have been easier,
If I'd given up then,
It would have been easier,
If I'd thrown it all away,
It would have been easier,
If I'd hated myself a little more,
It would have been easier,
If my life wasn't worth living,
It would have been easier,
To choose to end it then,
It would have been easier,
To seal my heart away,
It would have been easier,
To hide away my soul,
It would have been easier,
To lose everything,
It would have been easier,
To ignore the voice in my head,
It would have been easier,
To accept that I am who they say I am,
It would have been easier,
To refuse to believe I'm different,
It would have been easier,
But I'm glad I didn't,
I'm glad I kept going,
Because it's been harder,
But it's been worth it,
To know that I am now,
Who I want to be,
And to know now,
That I am loved,
And that I am still able to love now,
Despite it all,
It's been worth it.

I fear not death,
More than any other,
Trial, ordeal, pain of life,
But it has made me weak.

I do not stretch,
To cling with such,
Desperate, frantic fingers,
To a life I could do without.

But I do fear,
That if I am careless,
My departure will break,
My friends beyond hope.

And I have promised,
Not to hurt them,
Anymore.

This is an offering -
Of no expected return,
No bargain, no barter,
No deal, no debts,
Here: take my words.
All of them.
They are yours.
If nothing feels better, I want to make that last
So these words can rest in your mind when it's dark,
Rest in your hands when you're shaking,
Or your heart when it's breaking.
And when you run out -
I'll write you more.

Those gloves I wear aren't to keep me warm,
They're so I don't have to look at these hands,
And I don't take them off lightly.

This necklace I wear isn't for show,
It's a part of who I am,
On or off has a meaning.

That scarf I wear isn't to keep off the chill,
It's to hide the unchangeable from view,
So until I talk you wouldn't know.

I wear things for a reason, not for style.

I imagined I gave you,
All the love in every vein I could,
Every part of me I thought was good,
And every word I knew I should,
Share with you.

I imagined your hand in mine,
Comforting me when I was down,
Pulling me out when I almost drowned,
Accepting me when I found,
Another inside.

I imagined I held you,
When your ocean eyes were filled with tears,
When your perfect heart was drilled with fear,
When all you wanted was not to hear,
Deafening noise.

I imagined I was there,
When happiness lost its ring,
When you needed me more than anything,
When all you wanted was to hear me sing,
My love to you.

I imagined a world where you and I could share glances with each other,
Or gaze for eternity,
Where time lost its hold,
And let us slip between the hours,
In an endless embrace

I imagined an infinity of loving you,
But none of it outshone reality.

I can't see the thread that pulls me,
But I know where it leads,
I can't hear the hound that hunts me,
But I know when it feeds,
I can't feel the heart within me,
But I know how it bleeds,
I can't smell the fear around me,
But I can tell when it leaves,
I can't taste the poison on my-
Wait!
You've been in this circle for too long,
Stop following the path you know and move towards uncharted territory,
Follow me,
Trust me and I will trust you,
Take my hand,
And together we will escape this mess.

My time in here took its toll,
But not enough to ****,
And with you, my dear, there's no other choice,
But to love and trust your will.

What can be found in the intricacies,
Of this organic design?
How many lives yet unborn,
Will know its rocky core?
How often will unknowing feet,
Walk the corridors?
How soon will memories fade,
Of where we used to live?
How far will we stray,
From autumn leaves?
Will the seasons live on,
Even now, when we are gone?
Will I find hope here?
Or just another life to lose?

Lying on my back
Watching the stars
In the raindrops on my window
And seeing an infinity
Of darkness but knowing
I am tricking myself
Into some deep hidden wish
That there could be another
Universe within our own
One that no-one else would know
One where I could be alone
And gaze at the stars
For hours
Alone.

Sickness takes us strong,
Binding us to our limits,
But time and sleep heals.

I'm not dead,
Nothing changed,
Just because you see me different,
Doesn't mean I'm not the same.

I'm not lost,
I went the right way,
Just before I followed blindly,
In fear of what you'd say.

I'm not confused,
I know who I am,
Just because you don't get it,
Doesn't mean I give a ****.

Don't tell me what's in my head,
I know far better than you.

I'm not okay tonight
My focus is brittle
And scampering
Around my legs
Driving me mad
And filling
Every second
With sick, heavy thoughts
I hate them hate
Them hate they
Are not me.

I'm not okay tonight
I'm screaming, curling up
Into a ball of tension
One foot twitching
Breaths shallow
And shaking
Against the darkness
Sticking to my throat
And choking me
Into bed.

Behold!
My hands crush the stars,
The earth quakes at my will.

Amazed yet?
I decide the path of the Earth,
And guide the rivers to the sea.

Still not impressed?
I control the inner workings of the mind,
And ignite the fires of mountains.

Look at me! Can't you see my power?
I stop time! I bend light!
I **** with the smallest touch!

I don't own the universe.
I am framework on which it was built.

Now tell me Physics is boring.

A hesitation,
A confused look,
Indecision over what they thought was,
Binary.

A smile,
I'm sorry but,
Don't worry if you're not sure,
I'm glad.

Rusted arms,
Connect with ageing joints,
To turn pointless cogs,
In a once well-oiled machine,
That now grinds itself to dust,
Under sheer pressure of self-inflicted weights,
Held in place by still sturdy chains,
Each link strained,
As the creaking oak of the axle screams,
Splintering in discordant cries,
Until finally,
Shattered dreams manifest themselves,
The ancient timber splits,
The centrepiece collapses,
Bringing down the entire contraption,
Flawed design finally takes its toll,
Tearing each pitiful component from its place,
The walls crumble,
Light falls on the remains,
Of a doomed creation,
Imagined,
But imperfectly realised.

"I have information for you..."

The voice is clear,
Yet its meaning is not,
What does it know?
What can it tell me?

"..but I cannot give it to you..."

Of course,
An informer who will not inform,
But this is no war,
No obligation.

"...neither must know..."

Some unspoken law,
Governs its words,
Keeps it silent - or at least,
Silent enough.

"...my words would change things - things that must not.
Find out on your own, it is the only way."

In light of the fact I know you hate me,
Please refrain from your stupid game,
You've made it clear through years of torture,
That disgust runs through your every vein.

In light of the fact you know I'm lonely,
Please stop reminding me every day,
I don't need you to show me a new path,
If it's alright with you I'll just stay.

In light of the fact I've heard your crying,
Don't think I believe your act,
I'm fully aware that you feel emotion,
I was there the day you cracked.

In light of the fact you wish I'd die,
I might decide to do just that,
Would it make you feel so much better?
If my heart's line was finally flat?

In light of the fact I'm sick of lies,
Could you please stop going on and on?
If only you understood quite how hard it is,
To live when your trust is gone.

In light of the fact I've had enough,
Maybe you could leave me alone?
If you let me get on with my crumbling life,
I'll let you get on with your own.

Perhaps it's in the echo of each note,
Or the ring of each resonant chord,
Or the pulse of the soul of a song,
That which draws me in,
Captures all my mind,
Leaves me with no choice but to,
Reach out and let my hands,
Add their tune,
To the song in my head.

Sometimes all the right keys are played,
But I stop anyway,
As the right way clashes with,
The melody in my head,
Which is wrong,
Yet overrules the right.

And in my mind I hear,
The potential of symphonic,
Decoration on the framework,
Of a black and white,
Photograph of my emotion,
Which could be so much more,
Radiant with bursts and fades,
Of harmonic colours.

Music haunts me as,
Both a guardian and,
A curse.

Blood on a tissue on a stone wall
Ripped to shreds before it starts to fall
Red stains
Reminder of pain
Leaves its trail on the crumbling archway.

Scratching words on ageing bricks
Hoping memories might stick
To the concrete
Hidden street
Where I meet my last decay.

For what will I be remembered
For the perfect life I dismembered?
Disgust
Turning to rust
Now I must submit my soul.

The devils watching with hunger in his eyes
That I can't breathe is no surprise.

I fade away,
Erosion, erases every trace of me,
The Latin says,
I will remain in the Earth.
My final day,
Decomposition, disgraces every grain of me,
If I would stray,
Then you will take my back to gaze at my inscription.

When her words fade into the echoes,
The whispers of night take their place,
They gossip with tongues made of shadows,
And snarling they spit at my face.

When her smile has escaped from my sight,
The wheels of my iron heart slow,
I lose faith in the promise of light,
And reject every reason I know.

When her hand has dropped back to her side,
And ended its too-swift goodbye,
My wish and my choice must divide,
I won't be with her 'til morn's sleepy eyes.

Perhaps now,
We are closer,
But still no chance to meet,
Speeding past English fields,
But still far from 'the land of the free'.

I wonder,
What's our distance now?
How many thousands of miles between?
And does it matter, in all truth,
If we're still separated by the seas?

Where are you?
I need you now,
Fill my senses with concepts,
Engulf me in ideas,
Bless me with the words,
That often flow easily,
But today,
Less,
Freely,
What price,
Do you demand?
Simply for a word?
Or a string of thought?

Intent is,
Not so far from,
Reality sometimes
But mostly just,
A glimmer,
A glint,
On a horizon,
Hopelessly far from,
Home.

A word.
Just one.
Repeating.
My vision blurring.
Blinking fast.
A warmth tingling across my skin.

A voice.
Not mine.
Repeating.
My head hazy.
Confusion.
But feel a clear change.

No more.
Same old.
Repeating.
Do as I say.
Speak up.
Be who I promised.

The clouds rise
As smoke from the breath
Of frigid walls
That burn in the night.

The blue deepens
As water from the tears
Of fallen angels
That cry in the dark.

The world sleeps
As time in the hands
Of broken people
That wait
wait
wait
for change.

In this house,
We all scream,
No future,
The world is over,
But nobody noticed.

On this floor,
We all dream,
But no truth,
The end is here,
But nobody cared.

In this room,
We all cry,
No solace,
The present is frozen,
But nobody was looking.

In this life,
We all die
No escape,
The date is set,
But nobody will know.

For the first time in so long
The notes spelled a smile as they flew
Through my fingers to the keys
And the chords I hardly knew.

For the last time in as long as I can
The blade's glint is locked away
And left untouched as the empty nights
Skulk and slip away.

And another time for longer
I will see and feel like spring
And the warmth and life and subtle breeze
Will lift my heart within.

My head burns with the fires of the past,
With the scramble of words round skull,
Faster and faster, truth ricocheted off lies,
And smashed against the ever-crumbling screams,
That won't stop looping
And looping
And blurring
And looping
And with each stale copy another shade lost,
Another angle forced into the frame
Of a single photograph I saw maybe once
Of a child with hope in her eyes
And a teenager with no light left imposed upon her
Until it all blends into one.

One soul, one past, one future,
Not enough.

Was he afraid to acknowledge end?
Or did he greet Death as a friend?

Did he accept?
Or refuse protest?
Did he step softly in silent submission?
And slip slowly away by own decision?
Or perhaps he struggled and fought his fate?
In disbelief? But all too late.
Did terminal claws ***** his skin?
Hold firm and drag him kicking in?

Was his killer known?
Did he die alone?
Were his last words self-pitiful lies?
Or pleading for mercy in desperate cries?

And was it wrong for him to die?
Then, still with youthful eyes?
Or did his cruel mistress Destiny decide,
That old age would not worry his mind?
That all he'd need were brief, fleeting glances,
To longingly watch Eternity's dances?

Did God decree?
That all he'd see,
Would be untouchable by his hand?
Was every drop of fresh pain planned?

When his body froze with sharpened chill,
Did corrupted shouts of anger still,
Provide his soul with empty reason,
To rebel against is heart with treason?

And was that why?
At his last sigh,
He finally lost his mind?
Or made himself blind,
To his past?
At last.

Yet despite it all,
He still recalls,
Himself in vain memorial.

I run,
Aimless,
After a glimpsed illusion.

I hide,
Hopeless,
From an imagined devil.

I love,
Heartless,
But never really realising.

I hate,
Relentless,
And never ending despair.

But
All
An
Invented
Destiny

Look right through me,
See right through,
Every lie,
That left my lips,
Strip off,
Every mask that hid my face,
Ignore,
How I want you to see me,
And see what's left:
My invisible soul,
My invisible thoughts,
My invisible personality,
My invisible words,
My invisible love,
Everything about me worth seeing,
Cannot be seen.

But maybe,
Maybe it doesn't need to be.

I long for invisibility.
For no-one to notice,
or look twice.

But also for the truth
of visibility.

To allow me to shine,
honestly transparent,
and let me be seen without fear.

To be subtly
but clearly
different
from anyone else.

I've got these itchy feet and they don't want
to stay on the ground
I want to fly, I want to free myself and
burn the house down
And when I'm done I will stand in the wreck
And I'll scream all the words that come into my head

I'm screaming:
Had enough of "Please stop staying up so late"
If I went to bed I couldn't sleep anyway
with all the pain, all the tears
all the blood I've bled
I can't wait for the first hit to reach my head.

Inject the celebration
In our veins: the elevation
Stop bringing me down

Love conquers all,
As they say,
And once again,
It's gone that way,
So smile, my friends,
For on this day,
Your opinion,
Has one the sway,
The majority's yours,
And across The States,
You can all, finally,
With pride, say:
"I do"

No matter how perfectly they fit,
No matter how evenly I tighten them,
Something is always different,
Slightly,
It never quite matches up,
I always prefer my right boot.

Killed,
Life destroyed twice,
By the same action,
At different times,
But crushed,
Once again,
With the fear,
Of revelation,
Until,
Cast,
Out,
By,
Love.

This is my breakout:
The jailbird has lost her chains
She will not stay in her cage
For one more day.

This is our breakout:
The lady's not in the lake
She's fighting blade to blade
To make her own way.

I wish I could say this will be easy
I wish I didn't have to talk
I wish I could say things will get better
But they won't be 'til rights are rights for all.

What could be a jewel, rolling on the water,
Gliding on the surface,
Unobstructed, no rock nor branch interferes,
No ripple adjusts its path.

The jewel is an orb,
At one with the silk of a soft stream.
It glistens, drifting in no hurry,
Calmly downstream, round a bend, behind the bank.
Gone.

I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I seem down,
When it looks like I've had enough,
When I just want to sit in my room on my own,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
That's all it is,
When the things I used to love don't interest me,
When I put on my headphones and let music block out the real world,
When I scowl at my name,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired.
That's all it is.
When I try to ignore you,
When I don't want to eat,
When you think you see the shimmer of a tear,
I'm just tired.

I'm just tired,
Tired of life,
So let me sleep.

Through         
                 the door, a new house,
                      A new world to explore,    
              An invite into her life,
                        A glimpse at how she lives,
                I feel the floor and see
the walls,      
  Like I've been
   Trapped          
Outside          
And up        
the stairs,      
Another        
glance at        
      her existence,      
      These outfits        
     She never            
wore or          
hasn't yet,      
              The artwork                
             Never shown,            
The stupidly
precise efforts,
Just hidden away,
Then more stairs,
And rarer treasures,
Ink with so much meaning,
Those precious few kept tidy,
The unimportant left at random,
And already my mind calculates,
Deduces her habits and style,
But little matters more,
Than the words.

Some people need kindness
The storms and burn of life have beat them down
Every turn they take is filled with broken hearts
And minds and lives
Every day demands a sacrifice of blood and tears
But their body is empty.

Some people want kindness
That they've grown accustomed to being given
Without charge or return they want help
And false smiles and sympathy
But they can't lift a finger or open their mouth or wallet
To help the empty.

Some people deserve kindness
Through every whirlwind of pain they kept both eyes on others
Though they fell they would refuse attention
And bandages and pain relief
Until all those around received theirs first
While they empty out their heart on others
And let their own soul suffer alone.

When lips touch,
Two breaths meet,
Three words shared between,
The two connected souls,
Taste each others' voices,
And hear each others' pulse,
For a moment,
That lasts so long,
Yet passes so quickly.