I'm not going anywhere.
I'm running in circles expecting a different outcome every time.
I try so hard to make myself change yet everything stays the same.
I focus on the negatives but it's hard to focus on the positives when there's not really anything to be positive about.
People love me?
People will miss me if I died?
But I would be dead so none of that would effect me.
What's effecting me right now is what matters to me.
And as of right now, I'm struggling to keep going.
And I really don't care if I died.
And if I knew I wouldn't throw up all of the pills I want to take,
If I knew I would bleed out when I leave a hole in my wrist,
If I had a rope to hang from,
Or a high place to fall,
I would do it.
And I would be gone.
And I wouldn't matter anymore.
None of this would matter anymore.
And people who I know don't give two ***** about me will attend my funeral,
And they will pretend like they're sad.
But none of that would matter because I wouldn't be here.
Because I don't ******* matter.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like loneliness.
It reminded me of when we broke up.
And when I cried myself to sleep for days because you weren't mine anymore.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like sorrow.
It reminded me of that time when I was eighteen and I saw that you moved on.
And I drank until I couldn't walk every single day that week because I knew you weren't coming back.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
It tasted like anger.
It reminded me of the way you didn't care when I walked in on you sleeping with another guy.
And I chased an entire bottle of sleeping pills with a glass of wine because I would of rather died than replay that image in my head.

I drank an entire bottle of wine today.
And I will drink an entire bottle of wine tomorrow; and I will pray that one day I won't have to drink an entire bottle of wine to forget you.

I wake up just in time to watch the sun set on the horizon.
I stay up all night to watch it rise again.
3:00am is when I demons start to roam,
And before I know it my sadness becomes my home.
I self medicate with drugs and alcohol that I know I don't need.
I do it to stop the craving of wanting to watch myself bleed.
I look at the scars that cover my skin.
They mock me, I'm trying so hard not to give in.
I sleep all day so I don't have to fake a smile.
I wish happiness was a mood that stayed for a while.

I wake up just in time to watch the sun set on the horizon.
I stay up all night to watch it rise again.

I miss the nights where we could fall asleep in each other's arms.
You tracing circles with your finger tips on my skin.
I miss waking up in the middle of the night and rolling over to give you a tired kiss.
Most nights are so lonely without you here.
I don't feel whole without you by my side.
I miss staying up late in our home.
The home that we built together.
I know it wasn't perfect,
But it was perfect for me.
I miss laying in bed with you half naked.
Making each other laugh until we cried.
I miss coming home to your sweet smile and those hugs from behind.
You made me feel wanted.
You made me feel safe.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I've never felt more alone.

I always find myself looking back at my life and being thankful that I'm not sixteen anymore.
I think about all of the drugs I was high on.
I think about all of the men that I let touch my body because I was so desperate to be loved.
I think about how mean and angry I was.
I was so desperate to fit society's idea of perfect.
There was no one on this earth that hated me more than myself.

I always find myself looking back on my life and wishing I was 16 again.
I think about all of the adventures I went on.
I think about all of the people that I let touch my heart because I was so desperate to love.
I was so happy and carefree.
I didn't care that I wasn't society's idea of perfect.
No one loved me more than I loved myself.

I think about all of the thing I would change if I was sixteen again.
I think about all of the things I wouldn't change if I was sixteen again.

I think about all of the things I know now,
And I wonder why I'm still struggling to change myself.

Every day I wake up feeling like a different person.
I have different thoughts.
Different feelings.
Different goals.
Some days I am unsure of who I am.
Some days I feel like I am exactly where I need to be.
Some days my body aches and a simple task like brushing my teeth exhausts me.
Some days I feel like I can do a million things at once and I can't sit still.
My mind is always moving.
I constantly need a change.
Being capable of doing the same thing for a long period of time has never been normal for me.
Always changing.
Always moving.
I've tried so hard to settle down.
To stay in one place.
To be normal.
What is normal, anyway?
Maybe I'm not meant to stay in one place.
Isn't that what life is supposed to be about?
Seeing new things.
Meeting new people.
Making memories.
So maybe I don't always know who I am.
But if I did know, I don't think life would be as fun.