I never used to believe in marriage.
I always thought that it was a silly piece of paper.
I thought that is was ridiculous that you had to sign away your life to someone in order to prove that you loved them.
But then I met you.
I now understand what it means to want to devote yourself to someone for the rest of your life.
I understand why people spend most of their life searching for something that not everyone is lucky enough to find.
Love is painful.
Love is complicated.
Love is so ******* beautiful,
And powerful.
Marriage is not just a piece of paper to me anymore.
It is a bond that you are meant to share with one person for the rest of your life.
The person that you would do anything for.
The person that you want to see every day when you wake up in the morning;
And who you want to fall asleep next to when you go to bed at night.
The person that you would die for.
Who would you die for?

When you experience intrusive suicidal thoughts 75% of the time,
You really forget what it feels like to not feel suicidal.
Having those thoughts there consistantly becomes apart of you.
Waking up in the morning and not thinking about ending your life is a breath of fresh air.
Like a weight is lifted off my shoulders.
But there are some days when not feeling suicidal feels strange.
Like a part of me is missing.
And I find myself wondering why I haven't had any intrusive thoughts in days.
Not that anyone actually wants to have suicidal thoughts.
You see,
I always talk about getting better.
How I want to get better.
But what is ¨better¨?
I didn´t hurt myself today.
I took a shower.
I went into society and talked to people.
Is that being better?
Has my mental illness completely disappeared?
No.
My brain chemicals are still imbalanced.
Today I was just able to function more than I did yesterday.
And maybe tomorrow I will function even more than I did today.
Every day I am growing,  and learning,  and coping.
But I will not ever be better.
I will simply be a different person than I was the day before.

You are like the ocean.
Beautiful and mysterious.
I want to explore every inch of you.

You are like the forest.
Calm and quiet.
I could get lost in you for hours.

You are like the breeze on a summer day.
Warm and comforting.
Let me soak you into my skin.

You are like a flower.
You have rooted yourself into my heart.
Let me help you grow.

Every year I spend with you is like writing a new book in my head.
New adventures.
New challenges.
New moments.
New memories.
There are arguments, and pain,  and words that we didn't mean.
But we always came back to each other;
And our love was stronger every time.
No relationship is perfect because no human on this earth is perfect;
But I swear, when I'm with you, everything feels perfect.
You are perfection to me.
I never knew loving someone unconditionally could be so easy.
Loving you has become as easy as breathing.
And even after all these years of trial and error,
You still give me butterflies,
Just like you did when we first met.
You make my heart beat fast,
And every kiss feels like our first.
I don't want to wake up next to anyone that's not you.

I love him and he loves me.
He doesn't mind the scars that cover my body or my crooked teeth.
He takes care of me when I cry for no reason and when I can't get out of bed in the morning.
He doesn't mind that I complain about everything and anything.
He makes me laugh, he makes me smile,
He helps me get through the days where all I see is darkness.
He tells me I'm pretty even when I don't shower for 3 days because I'm too weak to stand.
He loves me and I love him.
I love the way he looks at me when we're getting ready to fall asleep.
I love how bright his eyes get when he talks about his dreams and ambitions.
I love the way he laughs.
I love how angry he gets when he's hungry and how cute he looks when he eats.
Being with him is like coming home.
He is my home.

I am swimming in the sea.
The water is warm.
The sun is kissing my skin.
I am floating.

               I am drowning in the sea.
               The water is cold.
               The sky has clouds.
               I am sinking.

Some days I feel like I am under water.
Some days I am afloat.
Some days I am a mixture of both.

Woke up.
Cleaned the kitchen.
Cleaned the bathroom.
Cleaned the living room.
Cooked food.
Didn't eat.
Cleaned the kitchen again.
Got uncontrollably angry because I couldn't get a stain out of the carpet.
Punched a wall.
Laughed hysterically at myself for 20 minutes.
Had a panic attack and cried hysterically for no reason.
Forgot to eat.
Can't stop pacing.
Can't stop talking.
And talking.
And talking.
And talking.
Thought about killing myself.
Decided it would be more fun to stay alive.
I wouldn't die anyway.
I'm invinsable.
It's 4:00am now.
I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to.