Day one: thumping music, laughter, you, your warm chest, your arms, heat, dancing. My head in a trashcan. Waking up on the bathroom floor. But, you. Your scent. This night won’t end.
Day two: ***** in a glass, a putrid stench of memories and good times going rancid. Tears. Panic. Shut curtains. A whirlwind in my stomach. Endless. Today is endless.
Day four: more tears. Still empty bottles on the floor. Still the lingering scent of “too much”, of “too far”. Yet, somehow, not enough. Never enough.
Day six: normalcy. You. Your presence. Us, together, our mutual understanding - like two ants fighting a stallion. But we do it together. We create memories like cotton candy and feathers.
Day seven: Saturday, hot dogs, movies, warm air, heat, driving with open windows. No dread. I remember what it’s like to lie on the floor with the thumping music in my ears and feel it hit me. The acidity. The liquid solution to cutting all ties with fear. Worry. Future. But soon, there will be a day eight. And the acidity will have burned a hole in my stomach.

I feel so small
Like a ladybug on the wing of an airplane
I feel so unimportant
No more significant than a grain of salt in the red sea
And I understand why you don’t love me
I wouldn’t love me either
I wouldn’t love me if my life depended on it
Sometimes it does
And for your sake
It’s better that it does
It’s better that it will.

Does it even matter if I find someone else?
It’s never going to be him
Him and I are never going to be us
So how could I ever trust
That another ‘him’
Is going to fit me well enough
To create
An ‘us’
If even you and I
Couldn’t make the cut

I need someone else to replace you
Just so I know that I can
Someone else to hold me, to touch me
Or for you to become another man
I need someone to love me, I’ll try to love him too
All I need is to know that I can love someone
Someone that isn’t you.

Sometimes, it really feels like I’m going under
Like the last part of me that was still whole
The final, tiny particle that survived the emotional purge that was falling in love with you
Would start to crackle, bit by bit
And every small piece would echo through my body
As they fell down to the pit of my stomach
And set in stone that from that day on, that I would never be whole again
And I thought, maybe one day, I would love again
But it would never be the same
I could still feel the pieces at the bottom of my stomach whenever I moved
Hear them clink together and rustle every time I bent over to kiss him
The New One
The replacement
The one that reminded me of you when he laughed
Not because it sounded like you
But because it made me miss your laugh endlessly more
The one who could never be enough
The one who would eventually be known as
“He who proved I could only love you”
Because that is all anyone would ever be
Proof that those pieces would never dissolve
Never stop making sound
Never stop making themselves known when I stretch out and reach for a bottle of new love
Another love
Which I am not sure even is that
Because if there is anything you taught me
It is that it’s very hard to fall in love
With a heart that lies crackled
In the pit of your stomach.

I wonder
If someday
I’ll be able to close my eyes again
Without seeing you with him
Without visualizing all the details
I wonder
If someday
I can look at you, laughing
Without feeling that sting in me
The sting that means
That I won’t grow old with that laugh
That I can’t simply grab you
And kiss you
Because your little dimples are so cute
Because your sharp corner teeth are weirdly attractive
Because your heart speaks to mine
Only mine doesn’t speak to yours
And that makes my stomach feel like a fighting ring
Because I don’t know if I can ever
Not love you
Not long after you
Not feel like a stranded **** island
When I close my eyes
And see only you
With him.

I search for the last inch of your blanket that isn’t tarnished with my smell
The last part of my shirt that has your scent
The last moment, of us - together, that isn’t cluttered with my guilt
The last of the last, the last of you without my prints
And I beg to let me hold you, I beg to feel your skin
I beg for your forgiveness, and all the nuances within
I beg for you to want me there, I beg for you to stay
But most of all, I beg for you to love me
Before I start to fray.