Even though
you are the one
who left me
stranded and
short of breath,
I still wish
you were here to
hold my hands
while I am going through
this sea of troubles
I am drowning in.

I wish you
were here to
teach me
how to swim.

You can fall in love
with the way
someone pours milk
into their cereal,
listening to the things they speak about
when they sleep talk
at three in the morning,
and by watching them untangle
earphones, which somehow
seems to be their biggest challenge
of the day.

You can fall in love
examining the face they make
when they try to hold back laughter,
if they put their head or their arms
through a sweater first,
and the way they shiver
when it is 23 degrees outside
and they are only wearing
a leather jacket
while drowning in a
thick red scarf.

You can fall in love.
You can fall in love.
You can fall in love.

And you will fall in love
with all of that.

i have a habit of
forming habits of
doing the same thing
until i feel safe

this is depression
when you try to curl your legs so close to your chest that you can no longer hear yourself breathing
this is the moment when you either puke or pass out
i over think and regret every sudden movement i have ever made whether it brought me closer or farther to you.
folks, we're at the panic stage,
please keep all arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,
be careful,
hold tight,
and although i know i'm not responsible for the fight or flight feeling in my chest
i still feel like i could have prevented it by
******* pretending you meant everything you meant to me up until a year ago
six months ago
a week ago
****

i think my heart
grew strings
trying to forget you.

I write on anything.
It's an obsession.
I look around and I dig deep into my thoughts.
I write and pour my thoughts on cheap, crumpled pieces of paper.
Then throw it away.
Along with my past.

m.d.