nights without you //

i //
i go to bed at ten,
aiming for eight hours of rest.
my thoughts are whispers,
that won't leave me alone.
the clock ticks twelve
and i am asleep.

ii //
i go to bed at twelve,
a little later than the last night,
a little sadder than the latter.
i crawl into a ball,
but my warmth doesn't
stop the thoughts from
pounding in my head;
bouncing of the walls of my mind

iii //
i go to bed at two a.m.
with determination in my eyes
and conquer on my mind,
to fall asleep.
but by four,
i am taunted and teased
again by the thoughts
and voices
and this time,
the memories of us.

iv //
i go to bed at five a.m.
but fail to sleep.
the monster in me
is slowly growing
to the point where
i can no longer take it.
in one quick move,
i defeat the monster
i defeat myself.

v //
i am asleep,
in a different bed;
a different world.
a world where
i am asleep
*forever

every night i go to bed
and i feel incomplete

every morning i wake up
and i feel unsatisfactory

every day i go to class
and i feel inferior

all i feel is
flawed
flawed
flawed.

(i) will never forget
the day the sun
(forgave) the moon
for coming out
too late.

nor will i forget
the day that (you)
came too late.

i said i didn't
forgive you,
because
(after) everything
blurred in my mind,
the notion
of (you) (disappeared).

**and i didn't want
someone who was
a disappearing act.

i want to bury you in my ribs
and say that i breathe you in

i want to stretch out my fingers
and braid them with yours
so i can say we're intertwined

i just want to take the literal meaning
of these words and show you
how much i love you

we are constantly looking for the
approval from others.

when making a decision,
there is always that quick glance
to our friend
to make sure we picked
the right answer.

                                                        ­            *why

why do we need authentication
for our personalities; our choices?


*we don't live for other people