I found darkness in you.
The familiarity of abandonment
Of pain.
I clung to it.
I clung to you as if you had all my answers
As if you could clinch my thirst of attention
Lack there of, rather

It was toxic
It would **** me
But I wanted more


You remind me of my father

When he first touched me,
I thought I would unfold
Go weak. Tremble.
But instead, I didn't feel anything.
He put his mouth on my skin and I felt numb.
Distant. Distracted.
I tried to close my eyes and center myself
but I kept waiting for it to be over.

My first intimate moment and my body
turned to stone.

~~

You ruined me.
You ruined my ability to enjoy intimacy.
Maybe even love.

I have been waiting my whole life for a moment like this
but you forced me to recoil into my natural coping mechanism of shutting down
Pushing away

But this moment was right.
I wanted him to kiss me.
I wanted him to touch me
but you turned me against him.

You made me think I didn't want him
I didn't deserve him
That his touch was tainted
When it was perfectly fine.

To the ones who touched me before,
you touch me through hands that I know
Hands that I trust
Hands I could love

My body can't shake your touch from it's memory.
Your finger tips forever scar my goosebumps.

But I wont stop searching for peace.
Peace for my body
For my soul.

Peace despite of the ones who have touched me before.

You took away all the tools
to allow me to fix us

I'm sitting here with my hands tied behind my back
waiting for you to release them
So I can reach you.
So I can hold you.

So I can tell you how sorry I am.

Please release me.

I lost you.
The moment I finally realized I wanted you.

And now I'm stuck with a hole in my gut that bleeds every time I see you with her.

Wishing it were me.
Wishing it were me.