My flowers are wilting.
Missing sun, missing water.
They feel abandoned
My mind has become a dark room
with scratches on the wall, keeping my thoughts in isolation.
I'm waiting for the rain.
The rain of clarity,
of a new season.
To let the light back in
I seem to always fall into the cracks between your words.
I can’t seem to land on them.
I’d rather fall into a mysterious black hole
I’ve created to imagine my own version of what you say.
I drive myself crazy.
What could be.
You can be your own worst enemy.
I found darkness in you.
The familiarity of abandonment
I clung to it.
I clung to you as if you had all my answers
As if you could clinch my thirst of attention
Lack there of, rather
It was toxic
It would **** me
But I wanted more
You remind me of my father
You make my heart feel like shattered glass
And everytime I try to fix it, it cuts my fingers
Keeping me wounded
Because who am I, if I’m not wounded.
You don’t heal me
But you thrill me to no end.
Your pain makes me feel wanted
And I just can’t help it.
Pain is all I’ve ever known.
I don’t love you.
I love the pain you give me
Because it makes me feel
And I am nothing if I can’t feel
When he first touched me,
I thought I would unfold
Go weak. Tremble.
But instead, I didn't feel anything.
He put his mouth on my skin and I felt numb.
I tried to close my eyes and center myself
but I kept waiting for it to be over.
My first intimate moment and my body
turned to stone.
You ruined me.
You ruined my ability to enjoy intimacy.
Maybe even love.
I have been waiting my whole life for a moment like this
but you forced me to recoil into my natural coping mechanism of shutting down
But this moment was right.
I wanted him to kiss me.
I wanted him to touch me
but you turned me against him.
You made me think I didn't want him
I didn't deserve him
That his touch was tainted
When it was perfectly fine.
To the ones who touched me before,
you touch me through hands that I know
Hands that I trust
Hands I could love
My body can't shake your touch from it's memory.
Your finger tips forever scar my goosebumps.
But I wont stop searching for peace.
Peace for my body
For my soul.
Peace despite of the ones who have touched me before.
You took away all the tools
to allow me to fix us
I'm sitting here with my hands tied behind my back
waiting for you to release them
So I can reach you.
So I can hold you.
So I can tell you how sorry I am.
Please release me.
I lost you.
The moment I finally realized I wanted you.
And now I'm stuck with a hole in my gut that bleeds every time I see you with her.
Wishing it were me.
Wishing it were me.