I'm tired of forcing you out of my every thought.
Convincing myself I don't want you isn't working and I'm sure it hasn't worked for anyone.
You can't just flip a switch and forget about someone.
What if this person was exciting?
Made you feel desired?
Made you want to get up in the morning?
Why would you want to give that up?
The truth is, the possibility of us is all that it's ever going to be.
A what if.
And even though it hurts, I don't want to fight my thoughts anymore.
I'll think of you until I'm ready to let the idea of you go.
That's all you are anyway.
A stupid idea.
I don't really know. I just started typing and this happend.
But I can’t help it.
You make it so easy to forget how to think
Forget how to speak
Forget how to use my brain
Stupid feelings, as well.
This just kind-of happened?
My flowers are wilting.
Missing sun, missing water.
They feel abandoned
My mind has become a dark room
with scratches on the wall, keeping my thoughts in isolation.
I'm waiting for the rain.
The rain of clarity,
of a new season.
To let the light back in
I've always wondered what it would feel like
to be held while I cry.
Letting my tears seep into the other persons collar.
Synching my breathing with theirs.
Feeling their gentle caress up and down my back,
calming my swollen heart.
and the warmth.
Oh how comforting the warmth would be.
I've spent so many nights caressing my own back,
letting my pillow case soak up all my sorrows.
Blankets warming my emotional chills.
Ive learned to be my own shoulder to cry on.
But, its feels weak.
As if it can't hold anymore of my lonely tears.
I think its at capacity.
I've lived my life constantly comforting myself. And in times where I feel especially lonely, I wonder what it would feel like to have somebody else to the comforting.
I let them tear at my insides
Rip me open and take what they want
I’m lying helpless. Spread open. Exposed.
I wouldn’t dare look them in the eye.
One by one I feel their weight lift off me
as they get their fill and move on.
I’m left alone.
I wipe their saliva off my ribcage and hug my insides together.
I start to feel my heart beating again.
I can feel it echo throughout
my hollowed chest
I lift myself up and start to walk.
I can see more scavengers in the distance
I close my eyes, wincing from the pain.
And continue to walk toward them.
A huge metaphor. But I never understood why I kept coming back to it. I would feel utterly gutted after, and still showed up the next time.
I seem to always fall into the cracks between your words.
I can’t seem to land on them.
I’d rather fall into a mysterious black hole
I’ve created to imagine my own version of what you say.
I drive myself crazy.
What could be.
You can be your own worst enemy.
I found darkness in you.
The familiarity of abandonment
I clung to it.
I clung to you as if you had all my answers
As if you could clinch my thirst of attention
Lack there of, rather
It was toxic
It would **** me
But I wanted more
You remind me of my father
Every time I think of you.
Every time I hear your name.
I'm trying to swallow the feelings
still lingering on the lining of my throat
wanting to yell out "Come back, I need you."
Even though you hurt me.
Hurt me more than I was prepared for,
My skin still stings for your touch.
My lips still ache for yours.
My whole being still revolves around you
and what you think of me.
If you even think of me at all.
My thoart is dry enough to start a fire,
a fire you have made impossible to burn out.
Getting over someone who refused to give you closure. Yeah, it's a *****.
My heart was ripped
out of my chest
Bleeding at your feet.
and you stepped on it when you walked away from me.
out of my life.
my blood and guts stamped on the bottom of your shoe.
a stain you may never notice.
I am now a foot print.
left for someone to follow
and finally take the place where I once was.
The feeling of letting go--even when you weren't ready. You didn't expect it to end. Feeling an attachment towards someone even though they hurt you.
I like to feel the soft flower petals as I walk.
It reminds me of your smooth cheek
Resting against my bare chest.
--I think of it often--Your touch.
I trace my lips yearning for your fingertips
to take their place.
I want your eyes to make my blood run hot
Adding flame to my obvious desire.
I want to feel my insecurities melt with your touch.
But, can you feel me?
My hands gripping yours
like it was the last time.
I wonder if you notice the fear
hidden in the galaxy of my eyes.
What if you wound me.
Would I be able to feel again?
Or would I go numb.
No feeling at all.
Why have feelings, if I can’t feel you?
First poem I have ever written.
When you feel your throat start to burn
with something you want to say
Coat those words with gasoline
and start a fire
Don't let them turn into ashes.
I lost you.
The moment I finally realized I wanted you.
And now I'm stuck with a hole in my gut that bleeds every time I see you with her.
Wishing it were me.
Wishing it were me.
If I flip a coin and it lands on tails,
I'll tell you why I did it.
tails, I'll tell you why I felt like I wasn't enough anymore.
tails, I'll tell you how afraid I was of being erased
tails, I'll tell you how much I wanted it to be you
and if it were to land on heads,
I'd stay silent
Unsaid words and how much pain it can inflict on one's self
How dare you look into my eyes
and talk about her.
The one who took you from me.
How dare you talk to me
about your heartache
when you are the one who caused mine.
Its a really horrible thing to experience.
I bet you like the shape of my lips.
---I bet you want to taste them.
I bet you like the freckels that trail down my chest.
---I bet you want to connect them with your tounge.
I bet you like the way my hair falls to the middle of my back.
---I bet you want to trial your fingertips through it.
I bet you would never do those things.
I bet you are afraid of what might happen.
I bet I am more afraid of what might happen.
I bet I would hide my body from you.
I bet I would run.
I bet you wouldnt chase after me.
The stuggle of wanting to be with someone so badly but completly terrified of what could happen. Being naked for the first time in front of them, being touched for the first time... & how easy it can be to run away from it. I've choosen the wrong guys in my life that wouldnt chase after me. They would let me run. So, this steemed from those expierences.
You are floating on the surface of my emotions.
How long will it take for you
to put your head under the water
open your eyes and see everything I am hiding from you.
The words I want to say.
The actions I'm too afraid to pursue.
I want you to see what's underneath my superficial attempts to gain your affection
Just hold your breathe.
Sometimes, I wish it were boy.
A boy who kissed me for the first time.
A boy who saw me naked for the first time.
A boy who touched my body for the first time.
Instead, it was a girl.
She would make me take my night gown off when we would sleep in the same bed.
She would kiss me and touch me when I had no way of understanding what it meant or why it was happening.
But I let her.
See, in my mind, I was finally getting the attention I was lacking from everyone else.
I finally felt loved.
But she manipulated my innocence by making me think this was all normal.
When it wasn't.
I didn't realize this for 3 years.
3 years of confusion.
3 years of shame.
3 years of abuse.
At least it stopped.
It took another 8 years for me to actually tell someone.
I remember there were very few words exchanged.
I remember spending that night crying into my pillow
wondering why nobody cared.
Would they have reacted differently
if it were a boy who had done this to me?
A boy who stole my ability to trust anyone.
A boy who made me afraid to sleep in my own bed.
A boy who stole my ability to think of my own body as a temple.
A boy who took advantage of my desire to be loved
and then made me feel unlovable.
But it wasn't a boy.
**It was a girl.
The abuse no one ever talks about.
My eyes drift up to the rotating colors moving as fast as my heartbeat across the ceiling.
I close my eyes and feel your hands gripping my thighs, pulling
me in, closing all distance between us.
All the blood in my body rushes down between my legs. I bite my
lip in anticipation, letting my body sink into the sensation of
feeling your warmth next to me.
I take one last look at the kaleidoscope ceiling, bring my lips to yours and finally give in.
A moment I had to capture.
You make my heart feel like shattered glass
And everytime I try to fix it, it cuts my fingers
Keeping me wounded
Because who am I, if I’m not wounded.
You don’t heal me
But you thrill me to no end.
Your pain makes me feel wanted
And I just can’t help it.
Pain is all I’ve ever known.
I don’t love you.
I love the pain you give me
Because it makes me feel
And I am nothing if I can’t feel
Your lips are a paintbrush
mine a blank canvas.
Your lips are moving on mine
like effortless strokes.
Our lips mixing like colors
creating something new, never discovered before.
Leave a masterpiece on my lips.
You laced me with your touch.
It lingers in my goosebumps
just waiting for the excuse to rise again
to see you rise
thats when I feel the most wanted
but I want you to want me with my legs closed
I lick my lips confidently
only to taste the fear lingering there.
Would he ******* fear?
His hand cups my cheek
leaning in to me.
My breath hitches.
I close my eyes.
*And everything just vanishes.
Kissing can be a magical thing.
I think of how you put me on my knees.
Begging for you to love me.
You touch my face the way you always do.
Trail your thumb along my lips.
Its a different type of love you have for me.
The kind that breaks a heart into millions of pieces.
The kind that would wipe the tears of my cheeks
But will never understand they are the cause.
I know you will do anything for me.
But love? No.
I could never ask you for that.
A part of me thinks you already know how I feel
But you have chosen to look into my eyes
and ignore the pain that haunts my Iris's.
I dont blame you.
How could anyone love someone like me?
Some one who falls in love with a person
who will never love them back.
I'll just keep it to myself.
I have no choice.
My tears will turn silent.
My heart will eventually catch up to my mind.
and I'll learn to accept the silence.
The silence that is with out you.
I feel hollowed out, gutted.
I can hear my heartbeat echo throughout my chest,
making it the only way I know I am still alive.
and that something is still alive in me.
What do you do when you don't feel anything at all?
No matter how hard I try
not to write a poem about you,
It happens anyway.
Like this one.
This one is totally about you too.
The trees moving in the wind.
The leaves falling from the moving branches
What about when the leaves hit the ground?
They are stepped on
Probably ****** on.
So, that kind of *****.
You've put me in your doll house.
Surround me. Smother me.
There are other dolls here, too.
To be picked.
I see your hand come towards me
Finally. You pick me.
Your rough fingers curl around my waist
lifting me to what seems like an endless sky
My hair bouncing in the wind
my eyes looking at you
always looking at you.
We do what we always do.
Sit out by the water
you making jokes, me singing songs.
You caress my cheek
You kiss me.
You never kiss me..
Maybe this means something.
Maybe I wont have to go back
I see him stand
he folds up the blanket we've been laying on
please don't make me go back
I feel his rough fingers curl around my waist
let me stay
I couldn't look at him
the whole way back.
What did I do?
Was I a bad kisser?
Did he regret picking me this time?
He places me back into the doll house.
I look into his eyes, pleading, begging
for him to give me answers.
He curls his rough fingers around the waist
of the doll next to me.
Lifts her up, and kisses her cheek.
He's never done that with me.
I watch as they both disappear into the distance.
Every time I see him leave with a different doll,
I can feel my skin harden
my skin becoming shinier
He's transforming me into something I'm not
Maybe thats what he wants. Plastic dolls.
Dolls waiting for his attention.
Dolls at his disposal.
I don't want that.
I want to be free.
But, I want him to love me.
All I can do now, is wait.
Wait for him to pick me again.
To play with me again.
That one guy you want so badly but you know he's playing you. He even does it right infront of you. Flirting with other people. But you cant help but hope he will eventually choose you. Want you.
You took away all the tools
to allow me to fix us
I'm sitting here with my hands tied behind my back
waiting for you to release them
So I can reach you.
So I can hold you.
So I can tell you how sorry I am.
Please release me.
It was meaningless.
I mean, I'd like to think it was
You only wanted her touch for the night.
You only wanted her lips for the night.
It was meaningless.
It should of been my touch.
It should of been my lips.
It might of been a meaningless encounter
But I feel robbed.
It should of been me.
It should of been me.
Very rough. Might come back to this one.
I feel like I'm boring you with my stories.
I feel like I'm boring you with my attempts at making you laugh.
I feel like I'm boring you with what's going on inside my mind.
You want to know my bra size.
You want to know my favorite ****** position.
You want to know how far I'd let you go.
And I tell you. I tell you everything.
It's funny how obvious your intentions are, yet, I still have this slither of hope that you will realize my brain is more interesting than my ******.
But, until then, the color of my underwear is black with polka dots.
What about yours?
No matter how hard I try, I'm always going to make myself desirable to you. Even if I know I'm better than that.
You're a shovel.
Digging a deep hole in my chest.
I can feel my every breath
whirling around with no way out.
Make it stop.
Bruises on my hips.
Goosebumps through your fingertips.
Bruises from my thoughts.
Hating how you tear me apart.
My desire for you may be strong, but I can't handle the side effects of you any longer.
How do you feed longing
to where it's always satisfied and kept at bay
by the shores of your soul
I feel waves of all consuming loneliness
knocking me on my knees
begging for someone to lift me up
and hold my heavy heart above water
An insatiable monster
When he first touched me,
I thought I would unfold
Go weak. Tremble.
But instead, I didn't feel anything.
He put his mouth on my skin and I felt numb.
I tried to close my eyes and center myself
but I kept waiting for it to be over.
My first intimate moment and my body
turned to stone.
You ruined me.
You ruined my ability to enjoy intimacy.
Maybe even love.
I have been waiting my whole life for a moment like this
but you forced me to recoil into my natural coping mechanism of shutting down
But this moment was right.
I wanted him to kiss me.
I wanted him to touch me
but you turned me against him.
You made me think I didn't want him
I didn't deserve him
That his touch was tainted
When it was perfectly fine.
To the ones who touched me before,
you touch me through hands that I know
Hands that I trust
Hands I could love
My body can't shake your touch from it's memory.
Your finger tips forever scar my goosebumps.
But I wont stop searching for peace.
Peace for my body
For my soul.
Peace despite of the ones who have touched me before.
Blow off the lingering dust
watch those particles dance in the air
sunlight hitting them
creating tiny stars
Stars you haven't seen in awhile.
a tiny sky
of new beginnings
a reminder of what you once had
and have decided to try again.
Blow the dust off your vintage heart
and begin again.
I guess it's over.
Water has spilled all over our ink
and now our words are blurry.
But what do you care?
You were the one who tipped
the glass over.
When the time comes
I want the lights on.
When the time comes
I want you to look at me.
To see me.
When the time comes
I don't want to cover my curves.
I want you to touch them.
When the time comes
I want the lights on.
Wouldn't we all?
I could feel the blood running down my arms.
These old wounds were starting to bleed again.
And it was when I thought of you.
That one person who hurt you. Hurt you bad.
— The End —