When he first touched me,
I thought I would unfold
Go weak. Tremble.
But instead, I didn't feel anything.
He put his mouth on my skin and I felt numb.
Distant. Distracted.
I tried to close my eyes and center myself
but I kept waiting for it to be over.

My first intimate moment and my body
turned to stone.

~~

You ruined me.
You ruined my ability to enjoy intimacy.
Maybe even love.

I have been waiting my whole life for a moment like this
but you forced me to recoil into my natural coping mechanism of shutting down
Pushing away

But this moment was right.
I wanted him to kiss me.
I wanted him to touch me
but you turned me against him.

You made me think I didn't want him
I didn't deserve him
That his touch was tainted
When it was perfectly fine.

To the ones who touched me before,
you touch me through hands that I know
Hands that I trust
Hands I could love

My body can't shake your touch from it's memory.
Your finger tips forever scar my goosebumps.

But I wont stop searching for peace.
Peace for my body
For my soul.

Peace despite of the ones who have touched me before.