On that day,
On that very day,
Somewhat,
Seventy years ago.

From the train,
You dangled,
Almost there hang in there,
Buck.

Almost there,
Stretch and reach,
Grab my hand,
We'll be reunited soon.

Creak and grunt,
Crack and scream,
Panic,
Fear.

Fingers collide,
Slipping through,
Rail snaps,
Fall.

That scream you screamed,
Terrified as you fall,
Farther and farther,
Screams.

"Bucky!"
"Steve!"
My screams your screams,
Gone.

Impact,
Injuries,
No light,
No arm.

Dead,
Dead in the snow,
Dead in the mountians,
No.

Seventy years past,
Seventy years ago,
Seventy years later,
Seventy years now.

A man,
Gun in hand,
Shaggy hair,
Determined face.

A man,
All in black,
Mask on face,
Metal arm.

My friend,
My foe,
My savior,
My killer.

I could never fight,
The one who gave me hope,
You gave me a chance,
Even when no one would.

I'm not gonna fight you,
I'm not gonna hurt you,
"Cuz I'm with ya till the end of the line,
Pal."

Now it's my turn to fall,
And your turn to watch,
Our turn all over again,
To watch in fear.

You gave me a life,
You gave me a brother,
You gave me a friend,
Why can't I return the favor?

You protected me,
I protected you,
You fought me,
I stayed with you.

From friend to foe,
We remain,
From friend to foe,
We stayed.

I Accept The Call

Collect call from Salt Lake County jail
If you accept,
Press 7.
Seven is a lucky number.
Not feeling lucky today
He is in jail again
For violation
Of Mental Health Court.
I accept the call.

Jail for mothers of sons
In jail, I imagine being like
Steel wombs, without the mother.

There are no pillows
No pleasant toiletries
No longer do I worry about
How long the refrigerator door
Has been open while he looks for
"Something to eat" in his bag of commissary.

There is no mama's kitchen.
No sofa to pine on.
Your laments only echoing
off cement.
What is your excuse this time
For violating the rules
At your new mothers home
You must know by now
There are no soft goodnight words
Just the stained metal
Slamming closed

May you keep your sanity
While doing your time
And remember the words
Radical acceptance
Practice balancing your
Emotional, rational
and wise mind
Maintain focus and resolve
To never, never, never give up.
I'll take that call now
I accept.

I see the demons in these people,
Tired eyes carrying the weight of self infliction and the sight of monstrosities,
They do not see the sun,
And their breath is a tax

& so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
              isn’t this how it goes?

the hero takes a villain, and twists their heart.
molds it to something into something sweet.

you’d think you’d know better by now.
           you don’t.

you’d think that, maybe, this time you can change.
           you can’t.

you can try to be good for them.
          you aren’t.

your smiles are fake. not what he wants.
your face is fake, caked with make up. not what he deserves.

after shave and his cologne overwhelm you. you can smell it when he hugs you.
       ( only so you’ll stop crying at night. )

you think, every time he smiles, that you can believe in God again.
that you can walk inside a church and not burn.
       you never try.  
you can lie all you want and say you are just fine.
you can lie all you want and still smile.
you can pretend he doesn’t hear your sobs.
you can pretend you  hear his in return.

if he'd just kiss you, finally, it’d be so pure
he’s so pure.
( isn't he? )

you’re not pure enough for him.
you never will be.
you’re not the hero in this story.

you push him away and pretend not to be ready.
   ( your heart has never beat so fast.
     it’s trying to beat into his chest. into home. )

he tells you it’s okay, and then makes dinner.
alone.
alone-- like how you will die one of these days.
alone.

We were once kids.
We were once wild.
We were once soldiers.
In the dead of winter, you greeted death.
You fell from my grip and into the darkness,
and now a hundred years have rotted away and I have never felt so alone.
I ran from the winter because war was to attached to it.
I close my eyes and I see you there on the front line.
Young and drained, you were just a body rotting away.
Full of life so you hung on with everything you had.
bang
bang
It was such an awful sound.
Only if I had taken your place.
If only you would have run the other way.
Just how unfair is our luck.

Someday I'll teach myself to learn and live alone.
I'll teach myself that death was not the enemy.
But the winter storm rages on and I'm still having trouble breathing.
Don't be alarmed.
I march on.
Like the soldier I once was.
Don't be alarmed.
I've seen many winter storms
and I have miraculously survived them all.

Can't you see that I don't want to move on?
Don't bring tomorrow because I can't take another.
My eyes are too fogged to see the light.
My minds too cluttered to think right.
I've tasted my own tears
and faced all my fears.
So here I am.
Laying on the floor.
So here we are.
Together once more.

facts bounce off me like rubber
wisdom sticks to me like glue
why is it i cannot remember
all of the things that i do

when i am lying wide awake
and think of all things near
i can always remember
the reasons why i am here

i may forget quite a bit
but it doesn't matter to me
as long as i know what truly matters
i will always remain free