I woke up next to an angel today and I thanked a God I never believed in
He smiled at me and I knew I had finally reached heaven through a boy with beautiful brown eyes behind crooked glasses
He whispers in my ear it's a prayer i know by heart, dancing through my mind
And when he says he loves me it's every single hymn wrapped into one beautiful melody
He is my religion, my saviour, my love.

I changed my ring tone today. I couldn't hear it go off without wishing it was you. It's never you.
I replaced the picture of us at the ocean with a picture of me and my dad from father's day. We looked so happy at the beach but my dad taught me that the ocean seems calm but it can be dangerous if you lose yourself a little. You're kind of like the ocean.
I saw your friend at the mall today. He told me you are doing well in New York. I hope when you see the city lights at night you remember how much I loved them.
The clock you bought me for Christmas stopped ticking last night.  I think time sort of stopped when you left.

In my anatomy class we learned that the ribcage was meant to protect the heart, but mine must be faulty because you reached right in and grabbed it out of my ******* chest and threw it against the wall. For someone who said they'd always be there, you're being kind of distant and if you're going to pretend I don't exist it'd be nice if you put me back together first.

Baby, if you're going to explode like a million fireworks over the river I want to be there to feel like light and if you're going to crash on the pavement like the hail from last night's storm then put my right in the center to feel them hitting my shoulders because I want to bare the weight of the world for you when you get a little tired and I want to be there when things go so well that you have a little extra sparkle to give away, so baby, let me be there for you in rain or shine, I promise I won't let you down.

What a bitter end it is to sit across from your lover and feel nothing but rage, knowing the feeling is mutual. You still mutter "I love you" and make out under city lights and hold hands as you walk but someone always squeezes a little too hard or bites a little aggressively or is a little too snappy to believe there's anything left. It's all a game and neither of us want to lose. Going down in flames is so much more satisfying than fading away.

Flight attendants always warn you to put your mask on before helping anyone else, because you have to safe yourself before you can save others. The same goes when you're in a pool trying to help someone drowning; you have to be able to keep yourself afloat or you'll both drown. I've never been a good listener though so I'd crash and burn for you because it really doesn't matter if my lungs fill up with water and I drown from the inside out as long as your breath comes easier at night.

I love you too, but I feel nauseous every time you touch my knee.
I love you too, but when you kiss me on the forehead it throws me into a panic attack.
I love you too, but when you hold my hand I can't breathe and I feel sick.
I love you too, but your words make my head spin and I feel dizzy.
I love you too, but where do I go from here?

I jumped out of a plane to find out if falling from thirteen thousand feet high would feel the same as falling for you. I guess it might of if I hadn't pulled the parachute, because I would have shattered on the ground like I did when you left and took everything I thought I was with you, but this time I found the ground and I was able to walk away in one piece.

I will not hear what you have to say
because what you have to say will never be as important as the way you made me feel

Weak
Weak
Weak

I will not hear what you have to say
because you are only allowed so many chances before your apologies wear out

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I will not  hear what you have to say
because I am only one person but I carry the weight of a million broken promises

I love you
I love you
I love you

I will not hear what you have to say
because there is a fine line between clever and abusive and you've crossed it so many times

Don't do this
Don't do this
Don't do this

I will not hear what you have to say
because I've realized that you're setting me on fire so you can be warm

I'm not yours
I'm not yours
I'm not yours

If I knew how to receive love
As well as you knew to give it
Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt
And yours wouldn't break

My mind is closed off
And you're an open book
My journals got a padlock
And yours is a published work

I wish I could be more like you
So kind and free
But I am too much of me
So broken and ready to leave

You grow up thinking that everything is like the movies
you fall in love in a monent, a big grand moment where suddenly everything changes
and when you fall out of love it destroys you and it's all at once
but falling in love doesn't happen so instantly and you might not even realize you're falling apart until you wake up one morning and you wish you were anywhere else with anyone else

Will you still love me in the morning
When my clothes are back on my body
Instead of your floor?
Will you still love me in the morning
When my hands aren't in your hair
And your hands aren't on my chest?
Will you still love me in the morning
When you realize the promises you can't keep
And wish the words were never said?

I don't think so.

There's a cute boy at work
And when he smiles I think of you
The two of you couldn't be any more different
Yet I find myself comparing you
Finding every little similarity

From the way his eyes flicker when he laughs
To the way he taps his fingers nervously
You used to do the same things
And I thought they were so beautiful

I wonder if you see me in the girls
You spend the night with

I'm a mess in the supermarket, the lady down the aisle wears a worried face. I'm buying razors with mascara running down my face and she probably thinks I'm going to cut myself tonight from the safety of my bathroom. Maybe she thinks you broke my heart, maybe she's right. I'm not buying them to destroy myself with, I've learned how to do that from the inside out by now, but I've never been good with timing and execution has never been my thing so I'll let her worry about me because if I try to explain how I haven't been okay since the day you said hello to me I will leave with more wounds than I walked in with.

It gets easier, that's what my mom told me after the boy I would've died for pulled my heart out of my chest and watched me bury myself alive.
It gets easier to hide the tears when someone asks how you are, and it gets easier to pretend not to see them in the halls holding hands with the cute girl you always knew he liked. It gets easier to fight every urge in your body that wants to call him after you had four shots, and it gets easier to kiss the nice boy at the party who tastes like spring. It gets easier when you haven't talked to him and three months and you realize you don't think about him when you drive past the place you first held his sweaty hand. It gets easier when you can be by yourself and be okay with it.

Do you think of me when you wake up at three in the morning and you can't fall back asleep? Do you wonder how I spent my day or if I'm wide awake, too? Do I ever cross your mind as you're drifting off, just like you always used to do? Am I your first thought in the morning, the image of me curled up next to you? Do I still haunt you in your dreams, do you still wake and whisper "I love you"?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is,
do you still love me like I love you?

How did we go from holding hands and kissing in the rain to me feeling nauseous every time you put your hand on my hip or kiss my forehead? How did we go from texting all night to one sided conversations where you beg me to respond? How am I supposed to fall back in your arms at night and not break down into a sobbing mess? Where do we go from here?

Your lips are like poison but I'm ready to die.

I changed my ring tone today. I couldn't hear it go off without wishing it was you. It's never you.
I replaced the picture of us at the ocean with a picture of me and my dad from father's day. We looked so happy at the beach but my dad taught me that the ocean seems calm but it can be dangerous if you lose yourself a little. You're kind of like the ocean.
I saw your friend at the mall today. He told me you are doing well in New York. I hope when you see the city lights at night you remember how much I loved them.
The clock you bought me for Christmas stopped ticking last night.  I think time sort of stopped when you left.

I know it's not a big deal, that my chest aches and my throat burns when I say your name. It's not a big deal that when you left I could hear my ribcage crack to make room for my heart to fall into pieces in my chest. I know it's not a big deal that you texted me when you were drunk and you told me you still loved me. It's not a big deal because I know you were lying, that the ***** at three in the morning makes you say nice things but also tricks me into thinking that you'll want to spend the rest of your life with me. I know it's not a big deal, but if you could hear the way I scream your name in my sleep, you'd probably give yourself another chance, too.

You can't give your heart away to every boy who calls you beautiful. He won't call you the next night and soon enough you'll be wondering why your heart is empty while you cry in the bathroom. You can't change everything about yourself so the people you call your friends accept you. You'll look in the mirror one day and won't recognize the person staring back at you and I promise you that it will be the scariest moment of your life. You have to learn to love who you are, flaws and all, or one day you're going to forget who you used to be before you thought you weren't enough and when you finally figure it out, it's going to be too late.

It's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember the way we would listen to your favorite songs and talk about the moon?
it's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember all of the things we used to do?
It's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, but I can still feel your hand in mine.
it's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, and missing you is starting to feel like a crime.
It's Saturday night and I'm with a boy, and he's kissing my lips and he's had a few,
it's Saturday night and I wish he was you.

I'm tired of sleepless nights and stalemates. I want to say goodnight this time, to be happy when I close my eyes. I don't want to wonder if we'll be okay when the sun rises and I don't want to cry when you feel like you're on the other side of the world and the sun is shining only for you a million miles away. I want to feel whole and I want to feel your hands in mine. I want too much and that has always been my downfall, but this time I just want the basic necessities of you and me.

I used to think that love was when the whole world stopped when they smiled at you and when your heart skipped a beat because of their laugh.  When you saw them everything came to a halt and your eyes couldn't find another place to rest because your heart had chose them. Your whole world was for them. When my heart chose you, I loved the way I couldn't think straight when you were around and how my heart was always thudding inside my chest, as if it were begging to jump out. Now I understand that it's trying to claw itself out and my heart was screaming at me, "RUN AWAY" and my eyes won't look away from you as you grab her hips the way you used to grab me and I wish that my world wouldn't stop at every sight.

I know I set you free
I know I did the right thing
But being right feels so wrong
But you know I always had to be right

And it's three in the morning and I miss your face
And everyone is saying you miss me, too
But I set you free because you deserve the world
And I could only give you me

You're gone now and I think that's okay
Or at least it's supposed to be okay
But I'm not okay
I am so ******* far from okay

I hope you're doing well
I hope you remember me on nights like tonight
I hope that when you wake up you feel free
I hope you know that's all I ever wanted you to be

If being sad at two pm or two am
For no real reason
Doesn't make sense to you,
Congratulations, I hope it never will.

And if you never lose your breath in public
Because your anxiety decided to join you
Then I am happy for you,
For I wish peace and simplicity unto you

But there is so much you do not understand
So much you should not really want to
So much I cannot begin to explain

There's something about learning lessons
Maybe the repetition of failing:
Texting your ex while you're drunk, while you're sad, while you're anxious.
Maybe the constant feeling of doubt:
Does he miss you too? Is it all in your head? Should I send another text? Call?
Maybe the heart wrenching truth:
He opens your messages but he won't respond, he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't think about you nearly as much as you do him.
Maybe it's the bandaids you wear:
Getting drunk with your friends but not texting him this time, not crying tonight.
Maybe it's the lesson you've learned:
You're nobody's but your own, start acting like it.

Let's say I had stayed
That september night when I walked out turned into something beautiful lying on your couch
And the tears we shared turn in to didn't leave our faces wet but kissing eachother so much did

Let's say I hadn't started that fight
You didn't blow up about nothing and I didn't scream into the phone even after we ended the call
You would have texted me goodnight and I would have known you were mine

Let's say I had learned to move on
I wouldn't be in my bed writing ****** poetry about you on a Sunday night
I would be flirting back with the boy from work and letting myself be free.

You're sick and crazy
A twisted smile
A broken heart but a ruthless mind

You never lost track
You said you're too good for that
One path mind and no looking back

Your plan of attack
The knife by your side
Is it too late to bid you a goodbye?

Somebody asked me the other day,
"If he asked for you to come back would you say yes?"I was ashamed to admit that I would in a heartbeat.
The thing about you is that I'll always come back, no matter how hard it was to stay.
I wish you would ask, but we're different people now. We were different people then, too.
I guess we both grew up but we grew in different directions, and as cliche as that sounds, it's true.
I wish we could be been that couple who lasts as long as the sea is wide, but we only lasted a few years and then we faded out.
I miss you every day. Some days I hate you, but most days I hate me. That's the thing, I guess, some days are bad and some days are worse. I don't think that's what it's like for you, though.  I think for you some days are good and some days could be better. That's okay, I'm happy for you.
I'll keep saying that, that I'm happy for you and how happy you became when we decided I needed to set you free. I am. I am happy for you. (I wonder how many times I'll have to say that for it to be true.) Maybe that makes me cruel, that I wish you were as sad as me. Oh well.
Maybe one day you'll wake up and wish you would have stayed. Maybe one day you'll miss me, too.

I would have died for you
A thousand measly deaths at your feet

I would have crossed oceans and mountains
To simply be by your side

I would have given everything
In a way I already had

But I will not die for you now
I have chosen life over love

How do you fight a war when you know that nobody is going to come out a winner?
We both have blood on our palms and wounds in our hearts.
We're both so **** tired now,
it's been months of back and forth,
fake smiles and quick kisses,
But we both already know that we lost it long ago,
we're just fighting for the sake of the fight.
We're too far gone to save, but none of us will raise our little white flag.

You called me the better shot
And frankly, my dear, I'd have to agree
But you aren't a safe bet
And gambling has always been an issue for me

Guns always made me nervous
But I guess you had the same effect
So when I watched you set your aim
I knew I wouldn't be able to deflect

Two years later in the September heat
I watched as we were torn from the root
It doesn't matter how we feel
Your gun is loaded so you might as well shoot

You've forgotten what love was like in the same moment you couldn't quite remember what my perfume smelled like or how I said your name in my sleep. You knew it then--that you had misplaced the feeling of love in that girl from your astronomy class when you kissed her under the stars but could only remember holding my shaking body under the dim lights of the milky way when you knew you should have focused on the way her lips tasted. How did her lips taste, by the way? I have been meaning to ask. Did they taste like strawberry or blood? Did they taste like mine did that night in your bedroom when you swore you'd love me until the day you die? Or did they taste like broken promises and whatever drink she took a shot of last? Either way, you know you should be able to remember the way her hand felt in yours but you feel so guilty because you can only remember how we laughed at our clammy palms. I know you hope she doesn't get too upset when you're unable to keep your stories straight.

I cant keep loving you because you tell me that you couldn't live without me and for a while I thought it was cute and romantic and flattering but now I realize that you have been asking me to carry us both and to save you from yourself but we both know I'm weak and tired and I could barely breathe on my own let alone for the both of us but I think you also know that I'd use my dying breath to give you CPR

I never learned my lesson
"Stop haunting empty houses," they told me over drinks around my coffee table.
Their hands shook, too, but we all pretended to not notice when one of us stuttered our words or wasn't able to make lasting eye contact.
"You have to just move on," one said while they texted their ex and pretended they were liberated. I watched as my friends spaced out and took shots to numb the pain they buried deep beneath their floorboards, but they still heard the heart beats late at night.
"It's poetry, darling, and we're romantics," they cooed. There was nothing romantic about the way they cried themselves to sleep or spent hours trying to stop the bleeding when they cut too deep, but when you're unable to stitch yourself back together it's hard to do anything but nod.
Our eyes were all as empty as the night and we laughed about our pasts but we knew we would never be the same as we were back then, the same as we are tonight.
I never learned my lesson.

You were better than any pills I could take to my my head stop pounding and my eyes a little heavier. You were better than homemade soup and backrubs and damp washcloths on my forehead. You were so much better than the chemicals, so I got addicted to you instead. But you have no warning label, and I must have overdosed, because people can't be medicine but you can die if they poison your bloodstream.

When they tell you that everything will be okay,
They aren't lying.
I know that it feels like your heart will always be hollow and you'll never laugh again,
But I promise you that your days are going to be lighter and your smiles will come easier.
Eventually you'll stop biting your nails anxiously and you'll feel like you fit into your old sweater again,
You'll have a bad day and your first instinct won't be to text him, it will be to call your mom.
You'll dance in your room at night to your favorite song and even though you won't forget him singing it to you last September, you won't cry when the music starts.
You'll see a cute boy in the grocery store and when he asks for your phone number, you won't remember what it felt like when everything broke down, you'll only feel butterflies.
Things always have a habit of getting better, and even though you feel broken now, you won't be broken forever.

It wasn't until my knees were bruised and my knuckles ****** that I learned why you're not allowed to give yourself away to other people. I became part leap and part fall for you but it didn't matter in the end because I ended up a shattered mess at the bottom of the high and now I know that if you're going to love someone it might as well be yourself.

"Some people will burn you when they touch you, baby girl. Some people's hands are on fire and when they grab your hand it might feel exciting, but you're going to walk out with third degree burns and scars that will make you cry every time you see them and remember how much you used to love the danger. Some peoples hands are so cold that when you grab their hand in a spur of the moment kind of thing,  they're going to turn you to ice and there's nothing you'll be able to do. Watch out for those people, pumpkin, some of those people have too much fight and some have too much ice in their heart and you're not capable of bringing them back to room temperature."
-my dad warned me about the fire in your touch and the ice in your soul but I thought maybe I could fix you

It's strange how things can shift
When you give them the chance
I didn't know that this could happen
But I smiled when you asked me to dance

And I would dance with you forever
My head gently pressed on your chest
I would laugh with you forever
While you claim we're the best

Your bright blue eyes and small little grin
Your faith in the world and in me
Make me want to lay with you forever
Under the shade of your most favorite of trees

Please hold my hand and rub my back
And never forget that very first night
Or the kisses you laid on my forehead
And everything in the world for once felt right

"It's okay to not be okay"
Until it isn't anymore
They say it all the time and maybe it's true
But I don't want this to be my new normal
I want to feel good again
To feel whole, or at least not so empty
I wish I were okay

It doesn't really matter if I choose to ignore you, because my eyes are always drawn to you like you're the only other person in the world and sometimes I wish I was blind because pretending to not notice you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I'm sure it wouldn't do me much good because I can feel you in every bone of my body, as if you were a flame and I was paper and we got just a little too close. I swear I caught on fire the first night you kissed me but for some reason I haven't fallen to ashes on the floor yet, but jesus **** I wish I could.

You told me your favorite color was orange at least three times, you loved everything about it. I never really liked it much, the fruit or the shade it was, it used to give me headaches. You said you loved the way it was part of the sunset, right before the sun hits the horizon and the colors start to blur, you loved the way it was everything all at once, and in my mind I thought, "just like you." I'd get married in an orange dress if I could spend the rest of my life with you, and I know it gives me headaches when I stare at it too long but you're like the orange sunset and I'd stare at you forever if you'd let me.

You're not allowed to stay up and text me until 3 in the morning and then pretend you don't know me in the hallway on monday. You're not allowed to hold my hand at my house and then ignore me when you see me with my friends at the mall. You're not allowed to take my heart and run off with it unless you're going to invite me to drive the getaway car. You're not allowed to **** me from the inside out and then turn around and call me beautiful.  It doesn't work that way. You're not allowed to tear a person to the ground, push them into the depths of hell for you, and then pretend like you saved them from the fire.

I told you that you could leave when you wanted to, so long as you didn't slam the door and take my heart with you when you went, and you told me that you'd never leave, you promised to love me forever.
Hesitant as I was, I learned to trust the words you said to me over the phone at three in the morning. Silly me, I should have known you were spitting poison down my throat the entire time, waiting until I looked away before you set fire to everything I thought I was. You slammed the door so hard I swear it almost came off its hinges and all the pictures hanging on the wall almost shattered on the floor. My heart and my sanity must have packed themselves in your bag when you left because I haven't been able to get out of bed in six days and I feel so fragile I could break if you called. I guess my mom was right when she told me to watch where I fell because sometimes puddles can be lakes and when I called her crying at four am screaming, "BUT HE PROMISED MOM, OH GOD HE PROMISED HE'D NEVER LEAVE" she had nothing to say but "I told you so."

Red is anger, red is love. No, wait, red is disappointment, red is lust. Red is every emotion packed into one punch that leaves you gasping for air on your bathroom floor at two in the morning.  Red are your eyes when you've used all your tears on the boy who never really cared. Red is your face when your best friend stabs you in the back and red is the blood that you swear is dripping on the ground when she twists it. Red is everything you never wanted and everything you still think you need.

Some days I wake up
I want to stay in bed
Some days I wake up
I'd rather be dead

Take a deep breathe
Pull myself together
Take a deep breathe
Let myself fall apart

Who knew it'd be this hard
Fake a smile, force a laugh
Who knew it'd be this hard
Watch me crumble, what a wreck

She's not there anymore
The girl who used to run up and down the streets in a yellow sundress on the hot days of summer

But shes not there anymore
She grew up to be a wild teenager who met boys at the town carnival on the fourth of July and would leave them with nothing but red lipstick smears

She's not there anymore,
she grew up to be a mother of five little boys and girls who adored her more than anything, who depended on her and learned from her

but she's not there anymore
the woman who laughed so loud and spoke so sweet, who cared more than you could ever imagine, whose smile lit up the room

She's not there anymore
She doesn't remember her grandchilds face or her home address
she doesn't remember her first daughters birthday or what she wore only a day before.

She's not there anymore
she cared so much but now she's just so scared
She lives in the body of that girl, but her mind is somewhere else.

I spent six months trying to wash you out of my system, knowing all too well that it'd take more than three shots of ***** and a few walks down my street to forget how you used to grab my waist and kiss my forehead.

I spent 26 weeks wondering how you're doing, wondering where you went, wondering why I wasn't good enough to come with you. 26 weeks locked in a prison,  with my heart in a cage beneath my ribs, dying to be anyone else, anywhere else, if it meant I didn't have to think about you.

I spent 182 days crying on the bathroom floor, ignoring all the times my mom told me that it would get better, because the only way I could be better was with you next to me. 182 days wishing she'd be right.

I spent 4,368 hours untying the knots you left around my heart, trying to untangle myself from you, but it was of no use, because after 4,368 days, you called me and I found myself in a tangled mess at your feet, eager to wrap around you again.

I spent 262,080 minutes rotting in the shell of my body because you threw me out one day. 262,080 minutes, crumbling in on myself, because you said that you didn't love me anymore, after I carved out my insides to make room for the broken boy down the street.

I spent 15,724,800 seconds waiting for the day that I could look in the mirror and not see the puffy eyes from last night's tears, the day that I could finally see myself again. 15,724,800 seconds, waiting for the day that I became whole again after giving myself away to a boy who didn't care.

But the worst part is, I'd spend the next six months waiting for you if you said you wanted me to.