I love you but I don't know what that means anymore

I think we both know I'm not the one
But hey, maybe this'll be fun.

You can be friends with people your whole life and then wake up one day and realize that you need to move on. If you're sitting at lunch with them and you feel like you don't fit it, you're allowed to sit somewhere else.

2. Loving someone and loving the attention they give you are two completely different things. You don't love that boy who sits behind you in math, you just love that he calls you pretty. It's okay to want to be called that, but learn who will be there for you in the middle of the night when you feel sick to your stomach because your friends decided to make plans without you.

3. Your mom is right. Whether it be about going to bed before two in the morning on a school night or that senior boy with the really good hair at all the parties with a red solo cup in his hand, she's right. You're not going to listen to her at first, but when you come home a sleep-deprived mess with a broken heart, she'll be there to pick up the pieces.

4. Your grades are important. No, you shouldn't stay up all night and slave over your algebra homework, but try and do good, even when everything's a mess.

5. People will tell you, "please don't ever change!" Don't listen to them. Change a million times, change every day, every hour, every minute. Change for the better, grow to be a bigger and stronger person. Don't listen to anyone who wants you to be stationary, they're holding you back.

6. It's okay to fall apart every once in a while. Don't think you have to have it all together, you've got so much time to figure all of that out. If you need to cry a little bit, that's okay, and if you need to scream into your pillow, that's alright too. It'll all be okay in the end.

7. You're going to learn that people aren't going to take you seriously. That's okay, work hard to prove them wrong.

8. You're still a child, please don't make a huge fuss over it when people call you one. You don't have much longer and you're really going to miss when your mom would make you dinner and your dad paid for your phone bill. You don't have that many responsibilities and you have so much potential still. Be a child and be okay with it.

9. Don't litter your body with drugs and alcohol because the cute older boy does and you want to fit in with his crowd. Stand out on your own and they'll notice you for things you can be proud of.

10. They're not staring at you. They're not laughing at you. Keep walking with your head up, just because you think that your hair is too big today or your clothes don't fit right doesn't mean anyone else notices. Keep walking.

I thought you were everything to me. I now understand that I was wrong.

2. I thought hearing you say "goodbye" would cause my lungs to collapse, and my last breathe would feel like our last kiss, but you said goodbye and I smiled and waved, and our last kiss was nothing more than a peck on the cheek.

3. "I'll always be here for you" turned out to be a lie and I guess I should have seen that one coming, because I don't remember you saying one truthful thing, but for now I'm grateful that you hold the honesty of a snake because I'm the prey who got away.

4. I don't cry on the bathroom floor like I did when we were together. I guess I always assumed you were the medicine the doctors give you to calm you down, but now I see that you were the poison I was trying to escape.

5. I was never very good at following my instinct.

6. I'm not sad anymore.

Dear you,
I wrote you a letter last night in the middle of an anxiety attack. I didn't know it was addressed to you until about halfway through, but it only makes sense that it all comes back to you. I guess I wanted to write everything that was going on in my head onto paper, to stop thinking about everything and everyone, including you. I keep saying I'm happy for you that things are getting better for you and that you're happier now but I think everyone knows I'm just pretending that I'm not in ruins that you left me for dead. I hope you think about me sometimes, I hope you remember who I used to be.
Love, always,
Me.

I am like Autumn,
full of colors and warmth.
That's what you told me that October night in your bed, your arms wrapped around me, like I was your lifeline.
I am like Autumn,
more so than you'd think.
I am the leaves that fall from the tree, dying. The colors you love so much are my last, I'm a spark about to burn out, like all of the bonfires you took me to.
Autumn is full of death, and you think it's beautiful. So am I, but the kind of death I possess is hardly beautiful.

It's been a few years since this feeling of hopelessness and the weight of something a little more sharp than sadness settled in the gut of my stomach and rewired my brain.  
"Chemical makeup and nothing more than a passing phase," she told me. "I made it through and so will you."
"How long?" I sighed out, tired although the day had only just begun for me.
Some days are harder than others. Most days I wake up and forget what it's like to feel okay, forget what it's like to have a productive day, forget what it's like to feel fully rested. Other days feel like a war being fought on my own front lawn and I can do nothing to stop it.
I'm not scared, although I suppose I always have a little fear. I fear I won't wake up the next morning, fear that I might, fear that I won't wake up from the nightmare that is depression.
"I don't know, honey, but it will be okay," she rubs my hand and I can see the battle wounds of her own wars painted on her skin. Nobody is ever safe from themselves.

I have to look at old pictures
From past adventures
Misplaced experiences
Remember what it felt like
Before the world fell at my feet
And I try to remember what it smelled like
What it sounded like
But I can't get back there anymore
So I look at the pictures
Reminisce about the times before you

He's the beginning and the end, all at once.
The first stretch when you wake up in the morning and the feeling of finally crawling into bed after a long day.
He's everything wrapped into one: passion, fire, heartache, joy, sadness, and the kind of love that makes you lose your mind.
He's all of those things that you never knew could feel so sharp, hitting you all at once, cutting into your lungs while you whisper "he's so ******* beautiful"
And I knew with one touch that he'd be the beginning and the end of everything.

I know you get mad when I say that I know you're going to leave but it's really all I know and I can't help but think that youll leave too because if i let myself believe for even a second that you'll always be here I'll be right back at square one and I'll watch as my heart gets torn apart and thrown on the floor and I'm sorry, I wish I could put all my faith in your words, but I can't risk watching myself deteriorate again.

My mom told me when I was thirteen years old, that friends can really be enemies in masks and you won't notice until you're crying in your room at two in the morning because they said something that cut so deep that you think you might bleed out right there. She told me to stop talking to those people because they're going to destroy you, or even worse, they'll make you destroy yourself. What she failed to mention was that getting the poison out of your blood is so much more difficult than anyone will tell you. When I was thirteen, I brushed off her warnings and told her things weren't like that with us.  I wish I could tell myself what I know now, because it's always easier to quit before the poison hits your bloodstream.

****** fists rest at our sides
we're too exhausted from this fight
to finish it at all
We'd leave now if we could
pack up our bags and try again another time
but timing was never our thing,
and I can hear the clock

ticking
tocking
ticking
tocking

****** fists carry us home
And they sting so strong but we don't say a word
because our ears won't stop ringiby
screaming a high pitched laugh
mocking us

Ha
ha
Ha
ha

****** fists can't carry us anymore

Blue, I suppose, is the saddest color. It's the color of my mom's eyes and I always saw her crying after dad left. It's the color you're supposed to turn when you stop breathing because the boy you loved ripped your heart right out of your ribcage. It's the color of the sky on a beautiful day, but the soft blue horizon provides no comfort when you remember how blue you feel.

Broken bones never quite heal all the way, they're never quite as perfect as they once were.
We are like that, in a way.
We are strong until we snap, until we're just not.
You broke my heart that September night and ever since then, my heart has tried to mend itself, but like my arm I'll never be quite strong enough again.
They say broken bones break easier the second time around, I think that's true for me too.

I don't really mind if you got a C in history your sophomore year in high school or if you sometimes laugh so hard you snort. I don't mind if you talk in your sleep or if you can't dance to save your life. It's okay if you sometimes have one too many drinks at the bar and you come home drunk, or if you hate Crazy, Stupid, Love. If you don't like my meatloaf or you can't stand my best friend,  that's okay. As long as you promise to always **** spiders for me and keep my feet warm, and you don't go around giving free 'I love you's' to any girl who smiles at you like I did, I'll love you until the day I die.

I'm happy that you're happy
I wish that's something I could be

I find myself searching for you in crowded places
But I never see you among all the faces

I feel myself longing for your touch
But you're so long gone

I'm glad you were able to move on
I wish you could teach me to do the same

I'm happy that you're happy
I'm sad it's not with me.

It's been a year since we talked but I know that if you called me and asked to go to coffee I'd drop everything in five seconds flat.
You told me once that you were going to lock me up so nobody else could have me and you kissed me on the forehead. I don't think you ever unlocked me though because whenever anyone's lips meet the top of my head, I shatter into a million pieces. Please unlock me.
I know you're with another girl who makes you smile more than I ever was able to, and I know that you kiss her forehead too, and you take her to coffee on her lunch break, but sometimes I see pictures of you together and I imagine your hand around my waist instead of hers.
I don't hate her. I was her, once, and I'd do anything to be able to be her again. You hold the key to my cage and if you want to come back to me I'll let you back in, I swear.

They'll hold your hand and kiss your lips, make you believe that you're the only one they'll ever love. They'll write you poems and sing you to sleep, and you'll believe them. After a while you'll notice that their grip is a little tight because they don't want you to find an escape, and the reason you're dizzy after you kiss isn't love but the poison they spit in your mouth. They captivate you and make you believe that's what love is but then you're being held captive and now you're not so sure.

My world is a little less dull with you in it
The birds chrip more gently and sing prettier songs
The sun shines brighter and the sky is more blue
Life is better and it's all because of you

Counting heartbeats
steady breathes
watch your pace
watch your step
one wrong turn
one false step
it's all over
you lost the bet
tear streaked cheeks
And a runny nose
you try to hide it
he already knows
Curl up small
He'll wrap you up
bury your face
"It's okay, love."

I told you about all the times I moved growing up,
counted on fingers that held so many hands,
I danced around with the idea of moving into you,
building my walls around our hearts and putting a roof over our souls.
I guess it didn't matter to me that our foundation was a little wobbly or that I knew an eviction was coming,
I wanted to believe that we would build a house that would last.
but you were a trap not a home,
and I was packing my bags but I couldn't get out in time
so I watched as the walls I built around you and I came crashing down on me.

The emptiness I feel inside is nothing but a crater I stumbled upon one afternoon
I had been waltzing my way through the wild
Suddenly I was so deep I could barely see out and I watched as all the dancers gracefully moved around the brim.
I wasn't jealous of the way they moved right above me, still breathing.
I wasn't scared that I wasnt,
I was simply a crater.

I'm trying so hard to get better, mom, I swear. It's just that I woke up this morning and couldn't find a single reason to get out of bed. You called last week and asked me how my anxiety is doing, as if it were a separate person entirely. It's okay though, sometimes I think it is too. I can't get out of bed because there's no good enough reason to shatter the floor with every step I take, so I hide under my covers and hope tomorrow will be better. It hasn't been, but I'm trying mom, I promise. Maybe soon I'll be able to call you back but the dial tone sends me into a panic attack so fierce that I stop breathing. I know your voice would calm me down but right now it's just too much. Keep calling, one day I'll be able to answer without crying. I love you mom, I love you so much. I'm so sorry.

There are letters under my bed,
Addressed to you that I never could send.
They spoke of the many nights I stayed up,
The nights when I knew you couldn't give a ****.
They are stained with coffee and tears,
And every single one of my wasted years.
I always knew something didn't feel right,
I just figured it would be fine later on at night,
I guess it was never meant to be,
I just wish you could have told me.

Dear you,
We've been in a drought for a while and my mom won't let me take long showers in the morning, which I guess is fine except that's where it's okay to cry because I miss you so much. Please call me.

Dear you,
It's been a few months and still no rain, which I don't really mind except for that you remind me of the smell of the pavement after it starts to drizzle and now you're not here and neither is that smell and I think I'm going crazy. Please pick up the phone.

Dear you,
We may still be in our drought but I swear I've cries enough to fill up our empty lake and water all the plants. I left you a voicemail but you never called back.

Dear you,
I saw your mom in the supermarket today. She pretended she didn't see me at first, but we ended up in the same aisle and she had to say hi. I wanted to ask her about you but she wouldn't stop talking about the weather. I guess it's making us all a little crazy.

Dear you,
I miss you and I wish you were here.

Dear you,
I drank enough tonight to forget you. I guess it didn't work because I'm writing your name all over my receipt at this diner and the weather channel is on and I hate you.

Dear you,
I'm tired of hearing about the drought, I know you probably are too.

Dear you,
It finally rained today but I didn't think of you when the water hit the pavement. I guess this is it then.

You don't have to be on fire to feel like you're burning alive and you don't have to be anchored to the bottom of the ocean to feel like you're drowning and can't catch your breath. You can die a million times and not have a single cut or bruise or broken bone, but your soul can be empty and you'll cry on your kitchen floor at 3 in the morning and you'll wish that your skin was on fire or water filled your lungs.

They come and go, the demons.
They scream in your ears but you can never understand what they're saying.
They claw at your back and you never quite heal.
They spend months and months destroying you, just to leave you.
They'll tell you they love you, but you never see it in their eyes.
But it's not the deafening screams or the blood dripping down your back or the lies that paralyze you that knock you down.
None of that really matters though, not when you see them staring back at you in the mirror.

You could destroy me, if you wanted to.
I gave you all the power, I placed it in the palm of your hands, knowing all too well that you could throw it against the wall, let it shatter to a million pieces on the ground. I gave you everything I have, with the hope that you don't demolish me, with the hope that I'm not left screaming and crying on a Wednesday night. You could destroy me, but the worst part is I'd probably let you.

You destroy me every ******* time
As soon as I think I've finally found a way to be happy, truly happy,
you find a way to bring me back down.
it's as if you don't even realize you're doing it, but I do.
and I still let you, every ******* time.

You're in love!

you're going to wait by your phone for his response until you fall asleep at night, and that will be cute at first because you'll have talked all day long but now it's because you haven't heard from him all day and it feels like a punch to the gut.
* you're going to be constantly disappointed because the two of you have always been fundamentally different people and you just wanted this one thing to work out with the kind, cute boy whose hand is nice to hold.
* you're going to cry at night because you know you've been holding onto something that wasn't really even there to start, but you won't find it in yourself to let go.
* you're going to tear yourself apart, and for what?

Don't give yourself away
Not to him, not tonight
To someone you loved
Swear you don't anymore.
To someone you hated
Swear you did.

Don't give yourself away
Unless you wanna
Unless his hands act like magnets
Pulling you closer, pulling you slow.
And if he makes a promise
You better promise to take it with salt.

I dreamt about you last night
It's not an unusual occurrence, but it was different this time.
We were both aware of what had happened,
Knew that we weren't meant for eachother, afterall.
But there we were, up in your bedroom laying on the floor.
We were talking like we usually did, but you leaned a little closer than usual and I didn't back away.
I wish it was real with every fiber of my being,
I miss you so much.

I have been fighting wars
On empty battlefields
The soldiers left many moons ago
But I remain, not ready to admit defeat

I set myself on fire because you said you needed light, and I could feel it crawling up my skin, you left your marks on me like the fire, burning through my throat like all those shots we took when you decided you didn't want to breathe anymore, and when you decided you didn't want my heat anymore you let me burn to ashes on the ground.

Let's pretend to be alive
We'll dance in the streets until three in the morning and kiss in the rain
They never look empty inside in the movies
So we'll reenact your favorite love stories and pretend we'd die for eachother
We don't have to admit we're already dead on our own
We can fake this love if we are anyone but ourselves

Falling in love is beautiful but I still remember the crash, how it swept up and knocked me off of my feet. You said that it's supposed to feel that way-magical and fast and spontaneous, but I felt like it was more shakey, scary, unsafe. You looked me in the eyes and told me you were ready for my love but I couldn't recall where I'd placed it so now you're playing with fools gold and I've got the real deal. You're dancing in the kitchen light with me and we're laughing but I know it won't last more than the night and you're whispering "forever" into my ear. I remember the crash, the fall, the burning, but you painted it so much prettier.

I don't understand why they compare us to fire and ice because when you went up in flames I didn't die out slowly, I caught flame when you were trying to put yourself out and I burned like your old favorite picture and you were the match. Now I roll up my sleeves when I'm around an open flame and I wish I was the ******* ice because my heart is just ashes of who I used to be and my throat is still burning.

I've been told that nothing hurts as much as the fresh cut of a first love and the way it stings every inch of your soul, the way that it makes you hollow and full of complete sadness all at once and how you never really know whether you ever loved him at all.
You think, "maybe he was just a passing season and maybe I'll be okay, afterall," but you said that in the summertime and we're well into December now but you don't feel any better at all.
Maybe it's okay that you're not okay, but it's about time that you stop bringing him up in conversation and find a boy who you can kiss in your spare time but then again maybe it's time you called him up and tell him you still love him.
No, what a terrible idea! It's arbitrary, anyhow, because he's with the girl he's been crushing on since before you even existed in his life and you're dancing with the devil at that party you didn't want to go to.
I've been told that the first love and first loss is the most heartbreaking so maybe when I wake up next to the boy from my western civ class and decide I love him it won't be so earth-shattering when he knocks on my door and says he's ready to move on.

Give me meaning
When you kiss me hard and slow
Breathe beautiful nothings in
I'll exhale little lies back out

Give me life
I'll pretend like I treasure it
And when we dance late at night
We can both pretend forever lasts longer than a year

Give me your hand
I'll hold on tight
You'll squeeze too hard
And I'll bring you right down with me

We laughed and we cried and you said you'd be here forever but it still wasn't enough to keep you laying my bed, whispering my name in your sleep.

I gave and I gave and it still wasn't enough for you to call me to say goodnight but you took and you took everything I was and now I can't find myself anywhere.

I emptied my heart to make room for you, to let you fill me up with false happiness and little lies that would eventually leave me gasping for air but it still wasn't enough to make you stay, your eyes on mine and your smile for me.

Give me a second
I need to breathe
A moment to let the air rest inside of me
Before I force it back out and into the world
Give me a moment
I can't stop shaking
My hands and my feet restless they dance
Strongly and boldly with no permission from me
They do as they please while the air stays at bay
I'm suffocating now and nothing feels quite real
A normal day in the life of the anxious
A normal day in the the life of the dying

It took me almost eighteen years to learn that you don't have to quit breathing to be dead, to be gone.

It comes and goes in waves, sometimes like a hurricane, and when it's crashing on the shore it's almost as if it's crashing into me, destroying all the walls I built to keep myself safe, to keep myself sane.

I've been dead for a while now, and you cry at night because you don't know how to fix me, and I don't cry anymore because I know there's no use.

I'm sorry that I gave up on myself, and I'm sorry you haven't learned that it's easier to let someone die than to try and revive a ghost.

There is beauty in your goodbye
As the words dance across your lips
They cut into me like a knife
But I do not bleed for you

I don't want to dance anymore
I just want to cry
And if that makes me look like a mess
Well, I never did try.
You took all I had
Threw it against the wall
I watched as it shattered
Like it was nothing at all
It didn't matter much to me
I feel empty anyway
There wasn't much in me
I'm already in decay

Green, I've learned, is the most greedy of colors. Green demands attention, a lot like you do, but green also represents jealousy, a lot like I do. You are the prettiest of greens, like the color of your eyes and the grassy hill we spent the day picking wildflowers and laughing under the sun. I am the green that's so dark and mixed with spite and anger and sickness. The green that's so bitter you can taste it in your mouth, and I suppose you got tired of inhaling it altogether.

I gave you a thousand reasons for you to hate me
And I could probably give you a million more
But you never asked for one at all

You need to move on and I need to grow up
So I will make you hate my guts
Though I'm not sure that's what you even wanted

I hate myself
And now you hate me too
Something in common we could never enjoy

You were six months shy of a miracle and two years past due
And I know you've been depressed for a while now
But I don't know how to be there for you
Because we're at the same bus stop
But I'm holding your hand and hoping it's enough
I know it's never really enough
But if it helps I will never let go

I loved you consistently
never failing to let you know
like the sun always knows to rise in the morning

I loved you recklessly
always putting you before myself
like your love was a drug and I was an addict

I loved you entirely
with every fiber of my being I loved you
like the ocean waves love the shore

I loved you
until I didn't

She wanted to be in love
So she gave what she had to the boy from class
He took and took until there wasn't much left
The stars that fueled her became nothing more than dust that settled at the bottom of her lungs that stopped her from speaking up and left her with a nasty cough instead
She wanted to be in love, but not like this.
She gave up smoking and she let go of him
And she found herself among the ruins of a girl she once way but would never be again

I knew from the very first moment that you would break my heart. It was part of your charm, I thought I was ready to be broken again, mostly because I thought you would put me back together after. I should have known that people like you come in like a hurricane, leaving everything in ditty ruins.