There's broken glass on the floor by my bed
It's been there for quite some time
So I retreat to my bed, and I don't leave.
My mother doesn't see it,
She says it's just not there.
But I am afraid of cutting my feet again,
So I stay in bed.

There's fire outside my window,
and the rain won't put it out.
It's been like this forever,
So I don't leave my house.
My sister doesn't feel the heat,
She's not soaked by the storms,
But I'm afraid of burning alive,
So I stay inside my house.

I'm living off of borrowed time
Checking a watch that isn't even mine
You ask where I'm headed
I say that I don't know
You ask if you can come
As if I could've said no
You ask how I'm feeling
It depends on the day
You ask what I'm thinking
But I have nothing to say

I'll never forget the night we were sprawled on your bed,
Hand in hand and legs intertwined.
I asked you if you loved me and you said
"Like nothing else in the world"
You asked the same and I said
"More than myself."

Its been almost two years since then and now we lay close but never quite touching.
Never quite enough.
I asked you if you loved me and all you said was
"Yeah."
But you never asked me back,
And I've always wondered why that was.

I guess it was because we both already knew the answer, we were just so afraid to hear it out loud.

The circle of life says that anything born must die and Jesus **** I must have died at least a hundred times by now and I swore my heart stopped beating when you slammed the door but I can still hear the 'I love you's' and I can still see the way you look at her and grab her by the hips with the same hands that you had around my ******* neck so it only makes sense that someone would have put me in the ground by now but I guess the poison you spit into my mouth hasn't made its way to my bloodstream yet.

You must know, I am much more than I seem.
I am a storm, and I try my best to minimize the damage but there's always a house and a person who seem to be destroyed in my wake.
I am a wave, crashing onto the shore as if I haven't seen it in years, hoping that if I crash hard enough into them I will stay forever, not knowing that you are the shore and we collided just a little too hard.
I am the sun, shining bright for the world, but I hurt people I don't intend to and you are the moon, glowing prettier than I ever could.
I am the storm that destroys what you love, the tide that could never stay long enough with the shore to help heal it, and the sun that is never allowed to be with a moon as beautiful as you.

Tell my mom I'm trying
Tell her it still aches
Tell her that when I wake up in the morning
I still feel like I am dying

Tell my mom I love her
Tell her I am sorry for the pain
Tell her I know I caused it
But I have found no cure

Tell my mom I'm sorry
Tell her there's not much I can do
Tell her I wish I had a plan
But things are kind of blurry

Monday 2:38 pm
I know you're sitting five feet away but I miss you so much.

Tuesday 4:56
At least pretend like you love me when my mom is here. You're breaking both of our hearts today.

Wednesday 9:03 am
I'm mad about what you said to me last night but for the sake of the holidays I'll pretend like I believe your broken apology.

Thursday 8:16 pm
Merry Christmas. This year my wish was for us to remember what the point of all of this was. Maybe next year.

Friday 12:39 am
You're laying right next to me and I can hear you breathing but I don't think either of us are really alive.

How do I confess
When you ask for a secret
That I'm not over my ex?
That the room in my heart is occupied
By lovers come and gone
By boys other than you?
Tell me, how do I let go
of the boys I loved before
When you're holding onto my hand?
Show me how to love
More of you and less of them
When you're not who I want to love.

You were as yellow as the sun
So bright it hurt to stare directly at you
Full of flowers and the smell of spring

I was as blue as the sea
Strong enough to bring you down with a single motion
But unable to stop myself

We didn't mix and make green
Instead I turned darker and so did you

I was waging wars on myself
And I can't thank you enough for trying to dull the pain
But I liked you better when you were yellow

I know it makes me a terrible person to wish you gone but you shined so much brighter in the sun.

I'm not sure I know
How to feel comfortable
With my hands laid by my side
Or what it's like to feel in love
Without holding my heart hostage
My hands clutching my knife

I never understood why they called it 'falling in love' until you kissed me. I must have lost my balance somewhere along the string of 'you can trust me' and 'I'll never hurt you's' because I fell and I couldn't find somewhere steady to catch myself. But then you slammed the door when you left and I hit the bottom and I shattered on the kitchen floor and I realized that falling means breaking and 'I love you' has an expiration date.

The love I wasn't supposed to fall into
Caught me quick and off guard
In the middle of me standing up,
Screaming "never again!"

The love I wasn't meant to be so close to
Yet found it in my own two hands
Wrapped gently inside your arms
As I cried "please not again"

The love I wasn't ready for
Kind and pure and sweet
Whispered into my ears
Such a soft and warm release

If I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay
Because I got drunk in my friends minivan
And she drove me around as I cried about you
We watched the stars like you and I used to
And when she pointed at the big dipper
I pretended I could place it
Truth be told, I was only ever looking at you
I can only see the milky way through your eyes
And the constellations on your lips
But if I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay

I've been on nineteen trips around the sun
And you see the stars in all those girls you sleep around with
And I can't help but think if our lives hadn't crossed paths
Maybe I wouldn't be in love with the way you look in the moonlight tonight
And you wouldn't pretend you see a galaxy inside of me
But then, maybe the stars aligned for you and I.

"Some days she's stubborn as hell. She won't let me kiss her cheek because she needs her space, but the very next day she will smother me in all of her love and affection, until I have to beg her to stop. Some days she's so weak that she doesn't leave her bed, and she'll cry into my tshirt while I play with her hair. She won't say anything, so I won't ask. Sometimes she will tell me everything on her mind, no matter how much it hurts her or how much it will hurt me, and she'll stand with such bravery, I'll forget every time I held her while tears stained her little pink cheeks. When we are with her friends, I'll watch her laugh from across the room and she'll smile at me and I'll forget everytime we ever fought. I'll watch her cook with my mom, and they're so much alike, but I never knew that's what I needed until her. I see her smiling and laughing and crying and shaking and I know that she is everything I ever want.

Don't build a life around someone who doesn't have the intention of putting a good base down. If he slams the door when he leaves it will pull walls down with him and you will be buried in the remains of what you thought was true love, but turned out to be empty promises and bad wallpaper. And if you ever the boy who broke your heart walking down the street, hand in hand with another girl, don't resent her. She never knew the way he held you when you cried or the way he laughed when you did. She might have the same arms holding her on bad nights, but she doesn't know how much it hurt to be crushed by him and to have to learn how to live without his laugh. Don't resent her because she doesn't know. And I know it seems like such a good idea to have pizza every day for two weeks, but believe it or not, you will get tired of it and want to ***** at the thought of pepperoni. Pizza will not solve every problem you've ever had, but calling your mom on a Sunday night just might. Don't spend money you don't have. Credit cards are cool until you are piled high in debt and you have to live off of ramen every night. You'll get tired of that too. It's okay to cry, and it's okay to kiss the boy at the party because you miss him, but don't fall in love with him because you can see a resemblance in his eyes. Fall in love with him because he holds your coat and purse when you go to the mall. Fall in love with him because he finishes your sentences, but don't fall in love with him because you're lonely. That's not love.

Don't let yourself go numb
or let yourself cry in empty parking lots
When you forget what its like when he used to hold your hand.
His hands are rough and strong, and it when you let yourself numb it's not poetic, it's letting him wrap his hands around your throat.

Don't find new ways to poison yourself
when the weight of the missing "I love you's" feels like it's going to crush you.
They were lies and they're going to crack your ribcage in half so they can puncture your heart, and it's only going to feel heavy a little longer so hang in there, it'll be okay.

Don't text him long unreadable messages when you're crying in your room at 1 in the morning because you remember the way he used to hold you and wipe your tears away with his thumb.
He is not that person anymore.
You shouldn't be either.

It's easy to fall in love with someone when you believe their touch is magic and their words were meant just for you. It's easy to love someone who smiles at you in class and who holds your hand in the hallway. It's so easy to love the idea you created in your head of someone, but when you finally realize that their touch was toxic and their words were ******* knives you'll see that what you thought love was is actually pain and you'd do anything for it as long as they called you beautiful at the end of the night. Smiles can be deceiving, baby girl, and sometimes when he grabs your hand it's not because he loves you but because if you got away he'd have nothing left to control. Don't let anyone spit poison in your mouth unless they're willing to spend all night in the emergency room with you when you try to rip it out of your veins to stop the burning in your throat and the aching inside your heart.

Spilled tea and shaky hands
The silent chill spread throughout your body like lightning
The static feeling in your arms while you watch your partner fall asleep on you
Binge watching bad tv shows on a Sunday
The gut feeling that tells you to run
The friend that tells you to go for it
Mental breakdowns on the kitchen floor
An almost lover

This is a poem for you,
For all the empty "I love you's" and the even emptier apologies.  
For all the drunk kisses and sweaty hands that used to hold so much promise but now I can feel myself slipping out of them.
This is a poem for you,
For you and all of your white lies
For the way they settled in me like dust, clinging to anything that might resemble something sturdy.
This is a poem for you,
For all the ways you used to take my breath away, and the way I used to love it.
For all the ways it now makes me dizzy in the worst ways and the way your hands aren't there to catch me.
This is a poem for you,
For the way we once were
For the ways we will never be again.

Say you miss me
I'll watch you lie
Say you love me
I've got time
I've watched your skin crawl
enough times by now
to know that lies come easy
to know that you know how
so kiss me goodbye
but it won't be your last
you never leave
you've been stuck in the past
Your kiss is toxic
I learned that long ago
but I'm addicted to your drugs
And I won't ever let you go

I lost track of time when you left
Spent too many nights tearing myself apart
And taking shots to forget about us
A girl I met at a party told me she had been feeling like this for three years now
So I went out and bought a watch
It dangles on my wrist and I spend more time with my mom and I took up therapy
I won't be another victim
But every time I check the time I think of you

"Do you love me?"
His face lit up by the blinking lights on his alarm clock, he answers yes.
"Are you in love with me?" I ask, counting as every second goes by in the reflection in his eye.
15 seconds. "Aren't they the same thing?"

Funny how time keeps moving even when you feel like you're at a standstill. Life goes on for everyone but you. Time is a funny thing, I think. Two months has passed and I can feel the wounds of your goodbye as if it happened to me just a moment or two ago, but in the same respect, I feel so far from the way you held me as I cried that very same day. It's as if time picks and chooses what it wants you to remember vividly and what is allowed to fade into a distant memory. I only wish it would pick a little more kindly as to not leave me at war on an empty battlefield.

I tried to write you a letter but the words I was writing could never properly explain how in love I am with the idea of us, but so utterly confused with the reality of me and you. I'm so tired, tired of me and tired of you and tired of us, but even in the complete exhaustion of you and I, I yearn for your arms.

Do I love you or am I lonely?
Perhaps a little of both?
I think I was a little lonely when I decided to love you and then when I loved you I felt more alone than I'd ever been.
Why don't I just leave? Oh I don't know.
I don't think I could survive another fall.

I'm having a very hard time
Staying alive on this earth
Maybe it's the weight of the world
Too heavy on my shoulders
Or the way you used to look at me
From underneath the covers
But everything seems harder now
Feels like I cannot breathe
Wish I knew what it was like
To simply just
Be.

They say "to live is to love" but if you've ever carried the weight of another broken soul, you already know that.

I remember so vividly the night you held me in your arms as I cried about everything and nothing,
I swear I can still hear you promise me you weren't going anywhere, you'll always be right here.

I can still see the look on your face only six months later when you told me that you didn't love me anymore, twisted and sad and so exhausted. I could feel my heart breaking as you added "I'm not sure I ever really did" but all I could do was stare at the dark circles that created a crater under each of your soft blue eyes. I wanted to dive into them and hide in you.

You told me you couldn't breathe anymore, that it was hard enough to carry yourself, that you weren't strong enough to save me, too.

I suppose the only difference between loving someone and living for someone is just one letter.

Your fingertips graze my chin
You smile down at me
A gentle kiss on the forehead
Remind me of all we could be

The slight shift in the room
As soon as you walk in
A bright smile and warm presence
Forgive us and all our sins

You're kind and gentle
And I'm damaged goods
But you hold me like I matter
So united we stood

I know it was selfish of me to think you could fix me, for I know of all the bruises my heart has housed, and all the tears my eyes have seen. I'm sorry for letting you believe your love would be enough to make my heart stop trying to claw itself out my chest.

Still not sure how you can feel so lonely with so many people who love you but here I am

I. I have spent too long confusing living and surviving. I have not felt alive in months, I'm doing just enough to get by.

II. The urge to go back to sleep doesn't root from my sleep deficit but more manifests in the gut feeling that being an active member of society will cause me a great deal of pain.

III. Going back to sleep is not always the best option, but sometimes its the only option.

IV. Depression isn't cute or romantic, it's life-******* and exhausting. That being said, I have been holding hands with this illness for far too long and I have yet to learn why.

V. When you're little you take for granted how often you were truly happy and how little you were sad. I'd give anything to feel that free again.

I feel so alone, and it's really nobodies fault but my own. I make excuses to stay home, even though I'd love to be with my friends at that party. I make excuses all the time and I don't know why.

It's a relief that you don't call or text me anymore
I always felt sick to my stomach, worried is say the wrong thing
I'd watch you explode, like fireworks over the lake.
I was so intrigued by you, and terrified all the same.
Please don't call me tonight, don't call me anymore.
I'm afraid that if I hear your voice, my fuse might be cut short.
Another explosion is not what we need right now.

The truth is, we can want whatever we want. People will make you feel bad about wanting another cookie or a second serving of pie, or maybe that guy who is a few years older than you but looks at you like every star in the galaxy is hiding underneath your skin. They make you feel guilty when you want to travel Europe when you just got home from Disneyland. ***** those people,  you don't need them. You are allowed to eat and crush and dream and be whoever the ******* want to be. It doesn't matter if they don't want you to have those things, if you want them, take them.

You could bend me until I break, hell, you already do// or you could snap my neck, I'm sure that would work too// It doesn't matter how you do the killing if you're in it for the thrill// and I'm sure you don't mean it, you say you never do.// I guess I grew accustomed to the lack of air// you'd think i would be gasping// but the weight of your world is far too much to bare.// I thought I was in love with you but I just like the pain// It doesn't matter anyway,  I spent too long waiting for a train that never came.//

I found you in a pool of blood in the bathtub of your grandfather's house and I swear it took a lifetime for the ambulance to show up and I was crying and holding your hand and watching the life drain from your eyes that once were so beautiful and blue but now are just hollow and dead and they wouldn't let me see you for almost a day but I cried in the waiting room the entire time. I guess you weren't lying when you said that house reminded you of death.

It took me two months to fall in love with your laugh, your smile, your eyes. Two months to fall for your stories about high school and the way you talk about your mom. Eight weeks was all it took to be completely captivated by everything you were. The way you walked, the freckles on your arms, the deep breaths you took when you were focusing as hard as you could. And I swore that you were heaven shaped into a man and that if I could just pretend that you would stay forever, maybe it would be true. But just like my dad told me when I was little, good things never really last and boys who look like they can give you the world would rather hold oceans and mountains before they'd ever dream of holding you. You couldn't give me the world but I hope you at least take the sand with you when you go.

You used to love me
with such passion and intensity
and I thought it'd never end
but like summer turns to fall
we faded out and fell apart

I used to love you
so strongly and so boldly
and you thought it'd never end
but you didn't even notice
when the leaves fell from our trees

5/16
Thanks for driving me home, I had fun. Tell your mom she's a wonderful cook. I'll call you in the morning.

5/30
I think I left my cardigan in your car. I guess that gives us an excuse to hang out after school. Text me tomorrow.

6/12
My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Call me if you can. She makes an amazing stew. Love you.

6/29
I love you so much. Call me tomorrow.

7/20
I can still feel your fingertips on my face. I love you.

8/1
I'm sorry about your grandpa, call me if you need anything. My mom made stew again and she wants me to bring it by. I love you.

8/19
I skipped history so I could get drunk behind the football field again. I've already had three shots but I'm sure you could catch up. Meet me down here.

8/20
Thanks for driving me home again. I'm sorry I threw up on your passenger seat. I'll buy you a seat cover. I love you.

9/2
I think I'm more drunk than I've ever been. I don't know where I'm at. Can you come get me?

9/3
I know you're mad at me but you could at least answer my calls.

9/7
Hey, it's getting dark and I'm getting drunk. Come over.

9/30
I really need you. Call me?

10/16
It's almost 4 am. You forgot to call me tonight. That's okay though, I forgive you. I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you wake up.

11/1
The first time you kissed me I could taste the ***** on your lips. When he kissed me last night I tasted the beer you couldn't stand.

11/30
Please come over. Your lips are poison but I'm ready to die.

12/9
I miss you.

12/23
Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas. And take care of yourself, I know you drink a lot during the holidays.

1/1
My new years resolution was to get over you. It was going good until I took four shots and accidentally called you instead of deleting your number.

1/7
You ******* ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and when I cried you spit poison into my veins. You're a ******* monster.

5/16
Thanks for driving me home, I had fun. Tell your mom she's a wonderful cook. I'll call you in the morning.

5/30
I think I left my cardigan in your car. I guess that gives us an excuse to hang out after school. Text me tomorrow.

6/12
My mom wants you to come over for dinner tomorrow. Call me if you can. She makes an amazing stew. Love you.

6/29
I love you so much. Call me tomorrow.

7/20
I can still feel your fingertips on my face. I love you.

8/1
I'm sorry about your grandpa, call me if you need anything. My mom made stew again and she wants me to bring it by. I love you.

8/19
I skipped history so I could get drunk behind the football field again. I've already had three shots but I'm sure you could catch up. Meet me down here.

8/20
Thanks for driving me home again. I'm sorry I threw up on your passenger seat. I'll buy you a seat cover. I love you.

9/2
I think I'm more drunk than I've ever been. I don't know where I'm at. Can you come get me?

9/3
I know you're mad at me but you could at least answer my calls.

9/7
Hey, it's getting dark and I'm getting drunk. Come over.

9/30
I really need you. Call me?

10/16
It's almost 4 am. You forgot to call me tonight. That's okay though, I forgive you. I have a lot to tell you. Call me when you wake up.

11/1
The first time you kissed me I could taste the ***** on your lips. When he kissed me last night I tasted the beer you couldn't stand.

11/30
Please come over. Your lips are poison but I'm ready to die.

12/9
I miss you.

12/23
Tell your mom I said Merry Christmas. And take care of yourself, I know you drink a lot during the holidays.

1/1
My new years resolution was to get over you. It was going good until I took four shots and accidentally called you instead of deleting your number.

1/7
You ******* ripped my heart out and threw it against the wall and when I cried you spit poison into my veins. You're a ******* monster.

You always used to complain about the smell of my cigarettes that clung to the seats of my car, so I quit smoking because I'd rather lose the things that make me calm than lose you.
You always complained about the smell of the liquor and beer on my breathe and the way it tasted in your mouth when we kissed, so I quit drinking even though it was the only way to feel normal. I'd rather lose my sanity than lose you're arms around my waist.
You wanted me to quit all the things you thought were killing me slowly, so maybe that's why you decided to leave, or at least that's what I keep telling myself. It's what I have to keep telling myself.
I've been drinking and smoking myself into ash since the week you stopped calling me and the nicotine and ***** may be helping, but you're certainly the one killing me.

I was yours
Two summers ago
When the days were long
and the nights lasted forever
But forever ends when fall rolls in
Love dies like the leaves
On September nights

You were mine
That one Christmas eve
Spent on the floor of your living room
Exchanging gifts with wide smiles
And beating hearts
But the new year brings new pain
and new heartache

I was yours and you were mine
But nothing lasts forever
Not love or pain or laughter or tears
So I am mine and you are yours
And someday we will come to peace
With the love we laid to rest

we're okay
if you don't count the tears we cry that put us to sleep
or the scars our hearts are now harboring
or the empty promises of yesterday

and we're okay
if you don't look too closely into our eyes
or watch our lips quiver between words
or listen to our heavy breathes fill the spaces you should have been

and we're okay
if you don't ask us how we've been
or if we've been sleeping enough
or if we're still caught up on the little things you said to us in the middle of the night

I want my words to make you sick,
I know how that sounds,
But still, I want them to make your stomach turn.

I want my words to remind you of all the things
You'd like nothing more to forget.

I want my words to remind you what you've done,
Or moreso, what you did not do,
What you never could have done.

I want my words to sit on your conscious
To keep you up at night.
Think about all the things you could have done
The things you should have done differently

I want my words to eat at you
Until you realize how much you miss me
Because I know you ******* miss me

They never told me
that it would be a battle to get out of bed every morning
or that breathing can feel so forced
They never told me
that when the life is ****** out of you
people will notice but they'll never ask
They never told me
that you can feel yourself drowning
but that the water is ******* you farther
They never told me
that you don't have to be buried six feet under to feel so complete dead.
They never told me
that you can learn to stop, drop, and roll,
but the fire will destroy you before you get the chance.

I was born on a rainy Tuesday night
And my mom always told me when I was younger
"Darling, you were made of thunder and lightning"

Maybe that's why I feel strongest during a storm
Or why when I see lightening I feel at home

But we've been in a drought for a while
And my hands haven't stopped shaking for months
But you know what they say,
When it rains it pours.

I know I haven't talked to you in years, I just wanted to update you on my life, five years after you walked out of it.
For a while I was okay, but it was just like the dentist, after the numbness goes away you just feel the pain you tried to hide away. Then I was mad, mad at you for leaving, mad at mom for losing herself, and mad at myself for not being able to fix it all. Then I cried, a lot. In the shower, in my bed, in the arms of the boyfriend who never would be able to understand why I was shards of glass on sad wrists. I must have come full circle in five years, because I'm numb again, but whether it's from you or the drinks I have at night to forget you, I don't know.

"The thing about you, your sister, and I, is that if someone tells us to go, they won't have to say it again," my mom told me on a six hour roadtrip. I understood what it meant, but it never fully hit me until you whispered to me, "why don't you just go?" And I've never been back since.

There is a winding road
And it reminds me of us
When we made the turn and realize we had been traveling just a little too fast
We slam on our breaks, frightened by our own mistakes
We move slowly now, hearts beating fast
We got ourselves in this mess, there's no turn around in sight.
Guess that's just life.