I woke up next to an angel today and I thanked a God I never believed in
He smiled at me and I knew I had finally reached heaven through a boy with beautiful brown eyes behind crooked glasses
He whispers in my ear it's a prayer i know by heart, dancing through my mind
And when he says he loves me it's every single hymn wrapped into one beautiful melody
He is my religion, my saviour, my love.

He's the beginning and the end, all at once.
The first stretch when you wake up in the morning and the feeling of finally crawling into bed after a long day.
He's everything wrapped into one: passion, fire, heartache, joy, sadness, and the kind of love that makes you lose your mind.
He's all of those things that you never knew could feel so sharp, hitting you all at once, cutting into your lungs while you whisper "he's so ******* beautiful"
And I knew with one touch that he'd be the beginning and the end of everything.

You are the dreams I can't wake up from
And the hand I want to hold
You're warm tea on a cold winter night
And the sound of crunching fall leaves
You're the one I want to come home to
And the song I want to sing
You're the reason that I'm smiling
And you're everything to me.

Don't give yourself away
Not to him, not tonight
To someone you loved
Swear you don't anymore.
To someone you hated
Swear you did.

Don't give yourself away
Unless you wanna
Unless his hands act like magnets
Pulling you closer, pulling you slow.
And if he makes a promise
You better promise to take it with salt.

There's something about learning lessons
Maybe the repetition of failing:
Texting your ex while you're drunk, while you're sad, while you're anxious.
Maybe the constant feeling of doubt:
Does he miss you too? Is it all in your head? Should I send another text? Call?
Maybe the heart wrenching truth:
He opens your messages but he won't respond, he doesn't love you anymore, he doesn't think about you nearly as much as you do him.
Maybe it's the bandaids you wear:
Getting drunk with your friends but not texting him this time, not crying tonight.
Maybe it's the lesson you've learned:
You're nobody's but your own, start acting like it.

I was yours
Two summers ago
When the days were long
and the nights lasted forever
But forever ends when fall rolls in
Love dies like the leaves
On September nights

You were mine
That one Christmas eve
Spent on the floor of your living room
Exchanging gifts with wide smiles
And beating hearts
But the new year brings new pain
and new heartache

I was yours and you were mine
But nothing lasts forever
Not love or pain or laughter or tears
So I am mine and you are yours
And someday we will come to peace
With the love we laid to rest

Still not sure how you can feel so lonely with so many people who love you but here I am

I don't love him
But his lips are convenient
And his hands are warm

You aren't here
Which is fine but it's not
And I miss you every day

I don't love him
And he doesn't love me
But we're both missing what we can't have

You don't love me
Which is something I understand
But I'll never get past

It's been a few years since this feeling of hopelessness and the weight of something a little more sharp than sadness settled in the gut of my stomach and rewired my brain.  
"Chemical makeup and nothing more than a passing phase," she told me. "I made it through and so will you."
"How long?" I sighed out, tired although the day had only just begun for me.
Some days are harder than others. Most days I wake up and forget what it's like to feel okay, forget what it's like to have a productive day, forget what it's like to feel fully rested. Other days feel like a war being fought on my own front lawn and I can do nothing to stop it.
I'm not scared, although I suppose I always have a little fear. I fear I won't wake up the next morning, fear that I might, fear that I won't wake up from the nightmare that is depression.
"I don't know, honey, but it will be okay," she rubs my hand and I can see the battle wounds of her own wars painted on her skin. Nobody is ever safe from themselves.

You're in love!

you're going to wait by your phone for his response until you fall asleep at night, and that will be cute at first because you'll have talked all day long but now it's because you haven't heard from him all day and it feels like a punch to the gut.
* you're going to be constantly disappointed because the two of you have always been fundamentally different people and you just wanted this one thing to work out with the kind, cute boy whose hand is nice to hold.
* you're going to cry at night because you know you've been holding onto something that wasn't really even there to start, but you won't find it in yourself to let go.
* you're going to tear yourself apart, and for what?

I love you but I don't know what that means anymore

Will you still love me in the morning
When my clothes are back on my body
Instead of your floor?
Will you still love me in the morning
When my hands aren't in your hair
And your hands aren't on my chest?
Will you still love me in the morning
When you realize the promises you can't keep
And wish the words were never said?

I don't think so.

There is beauty in your goodbye
As the words dance across your lips
They cut into me like a knife
But I do not bleed for you

Tell my mom I'm trying
Tell her it still aches
Tell her that when I wake up in the morning
I still feel like I am dying

Tell my mom I love her
Tell her I am sorry for the pain
Tell her I know I caused it
But I have found no cure

Tell my mom I'm sorry
Tell her there's not much I can do
Tell her I wish I had a plan
But things are kind of blurry

Give me a second
I need to breathe
A moment to let the air rest inside of me
Before I force it back out and into the world
Give me a moment
I can't stop shaking
My hands and my feet restless they dance
Strongly and boldly with no permission from me
They do as they please while the air stays at bay
I'm suffocating now and nothing feels quite real
A normal day in the life of the anxious
A normal day in the the life of the dying

Your fingertips graze my chin
You smile down at me
A gentle kiss on the forehead
Remind me of all we could be

The slight shift in the room
As soon as you walk in
A bright smile and warm presence
Forgive us and all our sins

You're kind and gentle
And I'm damaged goods
But you hold me like I matter
So united we stood

My world is a little less dull with you in it
The birds chrip more gently and sing prettier songs
The sun shines brighter and the sky is more blue
Life is better and it's all because of you

It's strange how things can shift
When you give them the chance
I didn't know that this could happen
But I smiled when you asked me to dance

And I would dance with you forever
My head gently pressed on your chest
I would laugh with you forever
While you claim we're the best

Your bright blue eyes and small little grin
Your faith in the world and in me
Make me want to lay with you forever
Under the shade of your most favorite of trees

Please hold my hand and rub my back
And never forget that very first night
Or the kisses you laid on my forehead
And everything in the world for once felt right

I'm not sure I know
How to feel comfortable
With my hands laid by my side
Or what it's like to feel in love
Without holding my heart hostage
My hands clutching my knife

The love I wasn't supposed to fall into
Caught me quick and off guard
In the middle of me standing up,
Screaming "never again!"

The love I wasn't meant to be so close to
Yet found it in my own two hands
Wrapped gently inside your arms
As I cried "please not again"

The love I wasn't ready for
Kind and pure and sweet
Whispered into my ears
Such a soft and warm release

I can almost see you
Tapping your finger on the side of your leg
Unable to sit still for even a second
Always cautious and so aware

I can almost hear you
Breathing in and out heavily
Holding your breath carefully
Slowly letting it out

I can almost taste you
Your lips sweet and soft
Cherry chapstick I hate so much
Blood from biting your lips nervously

I can almost smell you
Artificial musk rubbed onto your skin
Coconut shampoo you only kind of liked
Mint gum always between your teeth

I can almost feel you
Strong and gentle all at once
Always shaking and never still
Something beautiful and disastrous

There's broken glass on the floor by my bed
It's been there for quite some time
So I retreat to my bed, and I don't leave.
My mother doesn't see it,
She says it's just not there.
But I am afraid of cutting my feet again,
So I stay in bed.

There's fire outside my window,
and the rain won't put it out.
It's been like this forever,
So I don't leave my house.
My sister doesn't feel the heat,
She's not soaked by the storms,
But I'm afraid of burning alive,
So I stay inside my house.

I think we both know I'm not the one
But hey, maybe this'll be fun.

You're sick and crazy
A twisted smile
A broken heart but a ruthless mind

You never lost track
You said you're too good for that
One path mind and no looking back

Your plan of attack
The knife by your side
Is it too late to bid you a goodbye?

I'm having a very hard time
Staying alive on this earth
Maybe it's the weight of the world
Too heavy on my shoulders
Or the way you used to look at me
From underneath the covers
But everything seems harder now
Feels like I cannot breathe
Wish I knew what it was like
To simply just
Be.

How do I confess
When you ask for a secret
That I'm not over my ex?
That the room in my heart is occupied
By lovers come and gone
By boys other than you?
Tell me, how do I let go
of the boys I loved before
When you're holding onto my hand?
Show me how to love
More of you and less of them
When you're not who I want to love.

"It's okay to not be okay"
Until it isn't anymore
They say it all the time and maybe it's true
But I don't want this to be my new normal
I want to feel good again
To feel whole, or at least not so empty
I wish I were okay

She wanted to be in love
So she gave what she had to the boy from class
He took and took until there wasn't much left
The stars that fueled her became nothing more than dust that settled at the bottom of her lungs that stopped her from speaking up and left her with a nasty cough instead
She wanted to be in love, but not like this.
She gave up smoking and she let go of him
And she found herself among the ruins of a girl she once way but would never be again

You were six months shy of a miracle and two years past due
And I know you've been depressed for a while now
But I don't know how to be there for you
Because we're at the same bus stop
But I'm holding your hand and hoping it's enough
I know it's never really enough
But if it helps I will never let go

If I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay
Because I got drunk in my friends minivan
And she drove me around as I cried about you
We watched the stars like you and I used to
And when she pointed at the big dipper
I pretended I could place it
Truth be told, I was only ever looking at you
I can only see the milky way through your eyes
And the constellations on your lips
But if I'm not in love tonight
I guess that's okay

I've been on nineteen trips around the sun
And you see the stars in all those girls you sleep around with
And I can't help but think if our lives hadn't crossed paths
Maybe I wouldn't be in love with the way you look in the moonlight tonight
And you wouldn't pretend you see a galaxy inside of me
But then, maybe the stars aligned for you and I.

Broken bones never quite heal all the way, they're never quite as perfect as they once were.
We are like that, in a way.
We are strong until we snap, until we're just not.
You broke my heart that September night and ever since then, my heart has tried to mend itself, but like my arm I'll never be quite strong enough again.
They say broken bones break easier the second time around, I think that's true for me too.

You've forgotten what love was like in the same moment you couldn't quite remember what my perfume smelled like or how I said your name in my sleep. You knew it then--that you had misplaced the feeling of love in that girl from your astronomy class when you kissed her under the stars but could only remember holding my shaking body under the dim lights of the milky way when you knew you should have focused on the way her lips tasted. How did her lips taste, by the way? I have been meaning to ask. Did they taste like strawberry or blood? Did they taste like mine did that night in your bedroom when you swore you'd love me until the day you die? Or did they taste like broken promises and whatever drink she took a shot of last? Either way, you know you should be able to remember the way her hand felt in yours but you feel so guilty because you can only remember how we laughed at our clammy palms. I know you hope she doesn't get too upset when you're unable to keep your stories straight.

I never learned my lesson
"Stop haunting empty houses," they told me over drinks around my coffee table.
Their hands shook, too, but we all pretended to not notice when one of us stuttered our words or wasn't able to make lasting eye contact.
"You have to just move on," one said while they texted their ex and pretended they were liberated. I watched as my friends spaced out and took shots to numb the pain they buried deep beneath their floorboards, but they still heard the heart beats late at night.
"It's poetry, darling, and we're romantics," they cooed. There was nothing romantic about the way they cried themselves to sleep or spent hours trying to stop the bleeding when they cut too deep, but when you're unable to stitch yourself back together it's hard to do anything but nod.
Our eyes were all as empty as the night and we laughed about our pasts but we knew we would never be the same as we were back then, the same as we are tonight.
I never learned my lesson.

I've been told that nothing hurts as much as the fresh cut of a first love and the way it stings every inch of your soul, the way that it makes you hollow and full of complete sadness all at once and how you never really know whether you ever loved him at all.
You think, "maybe he was just a passing season and maybe I'll be okay, afterall," but you said that in the summertime and we're well into December now but you don't feel any better at all.
Maybe it's okay that you're not okay, but it's about time that you stop bringing him up in conversation and find a boy who you can kiss in your spare time but then again maybe it's time you called him up and tell him you still love him.
No, what a terrible idea! It's arbitrary, anyhow, because he's with the girl he's been crushing on since before you even existed in his life and you're dancing with the devil at that party you didn't want to go to.
I've been told that the first love and first loss is the most heartbreaking so maybe when I wake up next to the boy from my western civ class and decide I love him it won't be so earth-shattering when he knocks on my door and says he's ready to move on.

Falling in love is beautiful but I still remember the crash, how it swept up and knocked me off of my feet. You said that it's supposed to feel that way-magical and fast and spontaneous, but I felt like it was more shakey, scary, unsafe. You looked me in the eyes and told me you were ready for my love but I couldn't recall where I'd placed it so now you're playing with fools gold and I've got the real deal. You're dancing in the kitchen light with me and we're laughing but I know it won't last more than the night and you're whispering "forever" into my ear. I remember the crash, the fall, the burning, but you painted it so much prettier.

You're so far away from me
And you think, "she looks awfully beautiful in this light"
But I don't want to fall in love tonight

And you're so handsome standing there
A shy smile spread across your lips
But I won't let your hands rest around these hips

I'm trying to save you, I really am
Because I know you'd be there whenever I call
But your arms are somewhere I'm not worthy to fall

I have to look at old pictures
From past adventures
Misplaced experiences
Remember what it felt like
Before the world fell at my feet
And I try to remember what it smelled like
What it sounded like
But I can't get back there anymore
So I look at the pictures
Reminisce about the times before you

I gave you a thousand reasons for you to hate me
And I could probably give you a million more
But you never asked for one at all

You need to move on and I need to grow up
So I will make you hate my guts
Though I'm not sure that's what you even wanted

I hate myself
And now you hate me too
Something in common we could never enjoy

If I knew how to receive love
As well as you knew to give it
Maybe my heart wouldn't hurt
And yours wouldn't break

My mind is closed off
And you're an open book
My journals got a padlock
And yours is a published work

I wish I could be more like you
So kind and free
But I am too much of me
So broken and ready to leave

I'm living off of borrowed time
Checking a watch that isn't even mine
You ask where I'm headed
I say that I don't know
You ask if you can come
As if I could've said no
You ask how I'm feeling
It depends on the day
You ask what I'm thinking
But I have nothing to say

Some days I wake up
I want to stay in bed
Some days I wake up
I'd rather be dead

Take a deep breathe
Pull myself together
Take a deep breathe
Let myself fall apart

Who knew it'd be this hard
Fake a smile, force a laugh
Who knew it'd be this hard
Watch me crumble, what a wreck

There is a winding road
And it reminds me of us
When we made the turn and realize we had been traveling just a little too fast
We slam on our breaks, frightened by our own mistakes
We move slowly now, hearts beating fast
We got ourselves in this mess, there's no turn around in sight.
Guess that's just life.

Somebody asked me the other day,
"If he asked for you to come back would you say yes?"I was ashamed to admit that I would in a heartbeat.
The thing about you is that I'll always come back, no matter how hard it was to stay.
I wish you would ask, but we're different people now. We were different people then, too.
I guess we both grew up but we grew in different directions, and as cliche as that sounds, it's true.
I wish we could be been that couple who lasts as long as the sea is wide, but we only lasted a few years and then we faded out.
I miss you every day. Some days I hate you, but most days I hate me. That's the thing, I guess, some days are bad and some days are worse. I don't think that's what it's like for you, though.  I think for you some days are good and some days could be better. That's okay, I'm happy for you.
I'll keep saying that, that I'm happy for you and how happy you became when we decided I needed to set you free. I am. I am happy for you. (I wonder how many times I'll have to say that for it to be true.) Maybe that makes me cruel, that I wish you were as sad as me. Oh well.
Maybe one day you'll wake up and wish you would have stayed. Maybe one day you'll miss me, too.

Let's say I had stayed
That september night when I walked out turned into something beautiful lying on your couch
And the tears we shared turn in to didn't leave our faces wet but kissing eachother so much did

Let's say I hadn't started that fight
You didn't blow up about nothing and I didn't scream into the phone even after we ended the call
You would have texted me goodnight and I would have known you were mine

Let's say I had learned to move on
I wouldn't be in my bed writing ****** poetry about you on a Sunday night
I would be flirting back with the boy from work and letting myself be free.

I want my words to make you sick,
I know how that sounds,
But still, I want them to make your stomach turn.

I want my words to remind you of all the things
You'd like nothing more to forget.

I want my words to remind you what you've done,
Or moreso, what you did not do,
What you never could have done.

I want my words to sit on your conscious
To keep you up at night.
Think about all the things you could have done
The things you should have done differently

I want my words to eat at you
Until you realize how much you miss me
Because I know you ******* miss me

I was born on a rainy Tuesday night
And my mom always told me when I was younger
"Darling, you were made of thunder and lightning"

Maybe that's why I feel strongest during a storm
Or why when I see lightening I feel at home

But we've been in a drought for a while
And my hands haven't stopped shaking for months
But you know what they say,
When it rains it pours.

I. I have spent too long confusing living and surviving. I have not felt alive in months, I'm doing just enough to get by.

II. The urge to go back to sleep doesn't root from my sleep deficit but more manifests in the gut feeling that being an active member of society will cause me a great deal of pain.

III. Going back to sleep is not always the best option, but sometimes its the only option.

IV. Depression isn't cute or romantic, it's life-******* and exhausting. That being said, I have been holding hands with this illness for far too long and I have yet to learn why.

V. When you're little you take for granted how often you were truly happy and how little you were sad. I'd give anything to feel that free again.

I have been fighting wars
On empty battlefields
The soldiers left many moons ago
But I remain, not ready to admit defeat

Funny how time keeps moving even when you feel like you're at a standstill. Life goes on for everyone but you. Time is a funny thing, I think. Two months has passed and I can feel the wounds of your goodbye as if it happened to me just a moment or two ago, but in the same respect, I feel so far from the way you held me as I cried that very same day. It's as if time picks and chooses what it wants you to remember vividly and what is allowed to fade into a distant memory. I only wish it would pick a little more kindly as to not leave me at war on an empty battlefield.