I'm happy that you're happy
I wish that's something I could be

I find myself searching for you in crowded places
But I never see you among all the faces

I feel myself longing for your touch
But you're so long gone

I'm glad you were able to move on
I wish you could teach me to do the same

I'm happy that you're happy
I'm sad it's not with me.

If being sad at two pm or two am
For no real reason
Doesn't make sense to you,
Congratulations, I hope it never will.

And if you never lose your breath in public
Because your anxiety decided to join you
Then I am happy for you,
For I wish peace and simplicity unto you

But there is so much you do not understand
So much you should not really want to
So much I cannot begin to explain

I know I set you free
I know I did the right thing
But being right feels so wrong
But you know I always had to be right

And it's three in the morning and I miss your face
And everyone is saying you miss me, too
But I set you free because you deserve the world
And I could only give you me

You're gone now and I think that's okay
Or at least it's supposed to be okay
But I'm not okay
I am so ******* far from okay

I hope you're doing well
I hope you remember me on nights like tonight
I hope that when you wake up you feel free
I hope you know that's all I ever wanted you to be

There's a cute boy at work
And when he smiles I think of you
The two of you couldn't be any more different
Yet I find myself comparing you
Finding every little similarity

From the way his eyes flicker when he laughs
To the way he taps his fingers nervously
You used to do the same things
And I thought they were so beautiful

I wonder if you see me in the girls
You spend the night with

Dear you,
I wrote you a letter last night in the middle of an anxiety attack. I didn't know it was addressed to you until about halfway through, but it only makes sense that it all comes back to you. I guess I wanted to write everything that was going on in my head onto paper, to stop thinking about everything and everyone, including you. I keep saying I'm happy for you that things are getting better for you and that you're happier now but I think everyone knows I'm just pretending that I'm not in ruins that you left me for dead. I hope you think about me sometimes, I hope you remember who I used to be.
Love, always,
Me.

I lost track of time when you left
Spent too many nights tearing myself apart
And taking shots to forget about us
A girl I met at a party told me she had been feeling like this for three years now
So I went out and bought a watch
It dangles on my wrist and I spend more time with my mom and I took up therapy
I won't be another victim
But every time I check the time I think of you

When they tell you that everything will be okay,
They aren't lying.
I know that it feels like your heart will always be hollow and you'll never laugh again,
But I promise you that your days are going to be lighter and your smiles will come easier.
Eventually you'll stop biting your nails anxiously and you'll feel like you fit into your old sweater again,
You'll have a bad day and your first instinct won't be to text him, it will be to call your mom.
You'll dance in your room at night to your favorite song and even though you won't forget him singing it to you last September, you won't cry when the music starts.
You'll see a cute boy in the grocery store and when he asks for your phone number, you won't remember what it felt like when everything broke down, you'll only feel butterflies.
Things always have a habit of getting better, and even though you feel broken now, you won't be broken forever.

Give me meaning
When you kiss me hard and slow
Breathe beautiful nothings in
I'll exhale little lies back out

Give me life
I'll pretend like I treasure it
And when we dance late at night
We can both pretend forever lasts longer than a year

Give me your hand
I'll hold on tight
You'll squeeze too hard
And I'll bring you right down with me

I would have died for you
A thousand measly deaths at your feet

I would have crossed oceans and mountains
To simply be by your side

I would have given everything
In a way I already had

But I will not die for you now
I have chosen life over love

I dreamt about you last night
It's not an unusual occurrence, but it was different this time.
We were both aware of what had happened,
Knew that we weren't meant for eachother, afterall.
But there we were, up in your bedroom laying on the floor.
We were talking like we usually did, but you leaned a little closer than usual and I didn't back away.
I wish it was real with every fiber of my being,
I miss you so much.

You called me the better shot
And frankly, my dear, I'd have to agree
But you aren't a safe bet
And gambling has always been an issue for me

Guns always made me nervous
But I guess you had the same effect
So when I watched you set your aim
I knew I wouldn't be able to deflect

Two years later in the September heat
I watched as we were torn from the root
It doesn't matter how we feel
Your gun is loaded so you might as well shoot

I know I am not allowed to love you anymore
You're not mine and I'm not yours
But the distance is killing me

I haven't been eating much recently,
It's showing in my face.
I look as empty as you left me.

I love you still,
I probably always will
But we aren't eachothers anymore.

I'll never forget the night we were sprawled on your bed,
Hand in hand and legs intertwined.
I asked you if you loved me and you said
"Like nothing else in the world"
You asked the same and I said
"More than myself."

Its been almost two years since then and now we lay close but never quite touching.
Never quite enough.
I asked you if you loved me and all you said was
"Yeah."
But you never asked me back,
And I've always wondered why that was.

I guess it was because we both already knew the answer, we were just so afraid to hear it out loud.

Are you tired of holding the weight of the world on your fragile shoulders?
Somewhere along the way I saw the smile fade from your heart shaped face and soon be replaced with grimace.
You aren't happy, but you're not sure when it got on the next train and fled.
You know you're broken but you're convinced bandaids will hold your shattered bones together.

Let's pretend to be alive
We'll dance in the streets until three in the morning and kiss in the rain
They never look empty inside in the movies
So we'll reenact your favorite love stories and pretend we'd die for eachother
We don't have to admit we're already dead on our own
We can fake this love if we are anyone but ourselves

"Do you love me?"
His face lit up by the blinking lights on his alarm clock, he answers yes.
"Are you in love with me?" I ask, counting as every second goes by in the reflection in his eye.
15 seconds. "Aren't they the same thing?"

The emptiness I feel inside is nothing but a crater I stumbled upon one afternoon
I had been waltzing my way through the wild
Suddenly I was so deep I could barely see out and I watched as all the dancers gracefully moved around the brim.
I wasn't jealous of the way they moved right above me, still breathing.
I wasn't scared that I wasnt,
I was simply a crater.

You were as yellow as the sun
So bright it hurt to stare directly at you
Full of flowers and the smell of spring

I was as blue as the sea
Strong enough to bring you down with a single motion
But unable to stop myself

We didn't mix and make green
Instead I turned darker and so did you

I was waging wars on myself
And I can't thank you enough for trying to dull the pain
But I liked you better when you were yellow

I know it makes me a terrible person to wish you gone but you shined so much brighter in the sun.

Spilled tea and shaky hands
The silent chill spread throughout your body like lightning
The static feeling in your arms while you watch your partner fall asleep on you
Binge watching bad tv shows on a Sunday
The gut feeling that tells you to run
The friend that tells you to go for it
Mental breakdowns on the kitchen floor
An almost lover

They say "to live is to love" but if you've ever carried the weight of another broken soul, you already know that.

I remember so vividly the night you held me in your arms as I cried about everything and nothing,
I swear I can still hear you promise me you weren't going anywhere, you'll always be right here.

I can still see the look on your face only six months later when you told me that you didn't love me anymore, twisted and sad and so exhausted. I could feel my heart breaking as you added "I'm not sure I ever really did" but all I could do was stare at the dark circles that created a crater under each of your soft blue eyes. I wanted to dive into them and hide in you.

You told me you couldn't breathe anymore, that it was hard enough to carry yourself, that you weren't strong enough to save me, too.

I suppose the only difference between loving someone and living for someone is just one letter.

I told you about all the times I moved growing up,
counted on fingers that held so many hands,
I danced around with the idea of moving into you,
building my walls around our hearts and putting a roof over our souls.
I guess it didn't matter to me that our foundation was a little wobbly or that I knew an eviction was coming,
I wanted to believe that we would build a house that would last.
but you were a trap not a home,
and I was packing my bags but I couldn't get out in time
so I watched as the walls I built around you and I came crashing down on me.

Do I love you or am I lonely?
Perhaps a little of both?
I think I was a little lonely when I decided to love you and then when I loved you I felt more alone than I'd ever been.
Why don't I just leave? Oh I don't know.
I don't think I could survive another fall.

What a bitter end it is to sit across from your lover and feel nothing but rage, knowing the feeling is mutual. You still mutter "I love you" and make out under city lights and hold hands as you walk but someone always squeezes a little too hard or bites a little aggressively or is a little too snappy to believe there's anything left. It's all a game and neither of us want to lose. Going down in flames is so much more satisfying than fading away.

I knew from the very first moment that you would break my heart. It was part of your charm, I thought I was ready to be broken again, mostly because I thought you would put me back together after. I should have known that people like you come in like a hurricane, leaving everything in ditty ruins.

I cant keep loving you because you tell me that you couldn't live without me and for a while I thought it was cute and romantic and flattering but now I realize that you have been asking me to carry us both and to save you from yourself but we both know I'm weak and tired and I could barely breathe on my own let alone for the both of us but I think you also know that I'd use my dying breath to give you CPR

we're okay
if you don't count the tears we cry that put us to sleep
or the scars our hearts are now harboring
or the empty promises of yesterday

and we're okay
if you don't look too closely into our eyes
or watch our lips quiver between words
or listen to our heavy breathes fill the spaces you should have been

and we're okay
if you don't ask us how we've been
or if we've been sleeping enough
or if we're still caught up on the little things you said to us in the middle of the night

I will not hear what you have to say
because what you have to say will never be as important as the way you made me feel

Weak
Weak
Weak

I will not hear what you have to say
because you are only allowed so many chances before your apologies wear out

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I will not  hear what you have to say
because I am only one person but I carry the weight of a million broken promises

I love you
I love you
I love you

I will not hear what you have to say
because there is a fine line between clever and abusive and you've crossed it so many times

Don't do this
Don't do this
Don't do this

I will not hear what you have to say
because I've realized that you're setting me on fire so you can be warm

I'm not yours
I'm not yours
I'm not yours

You used to love me
with such passion and intensity
and I thought it'd never end
but like summer turns to fall
we faded out and fell apart

I used to love you
so strongly and so boldly
and you thought it'd never end
but you didn't even notice
when the leaves fell from our trees

You grow up thinking that everything is like the movies
you fall in love in a monent, a big grand moment where suddenly everything changes
and when you fall out of love it destroys you and it's all at once
but falling in love doesn't happen so instantly and you might not even realize you're falling apart until you wake up one morning and you wish you were anywhere else with anyone else

I loved you consistently
never failing to let you know
like the sun always knows to rise in the morning

I loved you recklessly
always putting you before myself
like your love was a drug and I was an addict

I loved you entirely
with every fiber of my being I loved you
like the ocean waves love the shore

I loved you
until I didn't

She's not there anymore
The girl who used to run up and down the streets in a yellow sundress on the hot days of summer

But shes not there anymore
She grew up to be a wild teenager who met boys at the town carnival on the fourth of July and would leave them with nothing but red lipstick smears

She's not there anymore,
she grew up to be a mother of five little boys and girls who adored her more than anything, who depended on her and learned from her

but she's not there anymore
the woman who laughed so loud and spoke so sweet, who cared more than you could ever imagine, whose smile lit up the room

She's not there anymore
She doesn't remember her grandchilds face or her home address
she doesn't remember her first daughters birthday or what she wore only a day before.

She's not there anymore
she cared so much but now she's just so scared
She lives in the body of that girl, but her mind is somewhere else.

It's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember the way we would listen to your favorite songs and talk about the moon?
it's Saturday night and you're not here,
do you remember all of the things we used to do?
It's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, but I can still feel your hand in mine.
it's Saturday night and you've been gone a while, and missing you is starting to feel like a crime.
It's Saturday night and I'm with a boy, and he's kissing my lips and he's had a few,
it's Saturday night and I wish he was you.

They never told me
that it would be a battle to get out of bed every morning
or that breathing can feel so forced
They never told me
that when the life is ****** out of you
people will notice but they'll never ask
They never told me
that you can feel yourself drowning
but that the water is ******* you farther
They never told me
that you don't have to be buried six feet under to feel so complete dead.
They never told me
that you can learn to stop, drop, and roll,
but the fire will destroy you before you get the chance.

Don't let yourself go numb
or let yourself cry in empty parking lots
When you forget what its like when he used to hold your hand.
His hands are rough and strong, and it when you let yourself numb it's not poetic, it's letting him wrap his hands around your throat.

Don't find new ways to poison yourself
when the weight of the missing "I love you's" feels like it's going to crush you.
They were lies and they're going to crack your ribcage in half so they can puncture your heart, and it's only going to feel heavy a little longer so hang in there, it'll be okay.

Don't text him long unreadable messages when you're crying in your room at 1 in the morning because you remember the way he used to hold you and wipe your tears away with his thumb.
He is not that person anymore.
You shouldn't be either.

Do you think of me when you wake up at three in the morning and you can't fall back asleep? Do you wonder how I spent my day or if I'm wide awake, too? Do I ever cross your mind as you're drifting off, just like you always used to do? Am I your first thought in the morning, the image of me curled up next to you? Do I still haunt you in your dreams, do you still wake and whisper "I love you"?
I guess what I'm trying to ask is,
do you still love me like I love you?

I tried to write you a letter but the words I was writing could never properly explain how in love I am with the idea of us, but so utterly confused with the reality of me and you. I'm so tired, tired of me and tired of you and tired of us, but even in the complete exhaustion of you and I, I yearn for your arms.

You destroy me every ******* time
As soon as I think I've finally found a way to be happy, truly happy,
you find a way to bring me back down.
it's as if you don't even realize you're doing it, but I do.
and I still let you, every ******* time.

Monday 2:38 pm
I know you're sitting five feet away but I miss you so much.

Tuesday 4:56
At least pretend like you love me when my mom is here. You're breaking both of our hearts today.

Wednesday 9:03 am
I'm mad about what you said to me last night but for the sake of the holidays I'll pretend like I believe your broken apology.

Thursday 8:16 pm
Merry Christmas. This year my wish was for us to remember what the point of all of this was. Maybe next year.

Friday 12:39 am
You're laying right next to me and I can hear you breathing but I don't think either of us are really alive.

They come and go, the demons.
They scream in your ears but you can never understand what they're saying.
They claw at your back and you never quite heal.
They spend months and months destroying you, just to leave you.
They'll tell you they love you, but you never see it in their eyes.
But it's not the deafening screams or the blood dripping down your back or the lies that paralyze you that knock you down.
None of that really matters though, not when you see them staring back at you in the mirror.

It's a relief that you don't call or text me anymore
I always felt sick to my stomach, worried is say the wrong thing
I'd watch you explode, like fireworks over the lake.
I was so intrigued by you, and terrified all the same.
Please don't call me tonight, don't call me anymore.
I'm afraid that if I hear your voice, my fuse might be cut short.
Another explosion is not what we need right now.

****** fists rest at our sides
we're too exhausted from this fight
to finish it at all
We'd leave now if we could
pack up our bags and try again another time
but timing was never our thing,
and I can hear the clock

ticking
tocking
ticking
tocking

****** fists carry us home
And they sting so strong but we don't say a word
because our ears won't stop ringiby
screaming a high pitched laugh
mocking us

Ha
ha
Ha
ha

****** fists can't carry us anymore

It took me almost eighteen years to learn that you don't have to quit breathing to be dead, to be gone.

It comes and goes in waves, sometimes like a hurricane, and when it's crashing on the shore it's almost as if it's crashing into me, destroying all the walls I built to keep myself safe, to keep myself sane.

I've been dead for a while now, and you cry at night because you don't know how to fix me, and I don't cry anymore because I know there's no use.

I'm sorry that I gave up on myself, and I'm sorry you haven't learned that it's easier to let someone die than to try and revive a ghost.

How do you fight a war when you know that nobody is going to come out a winner?
We both have blood on our palms and wounds in our hearts.
We're both so **** tired now,
it's been months of back and forth,
fake smiles and quick kisses,
But we both already know that we lost it long ago,
we're just fighting for the sake of the fight.
We're too far gone to save, but none of us will raise our little white flag.

I thought you were everything to me. I now understand that I was wrong.

2. I thought hearing you say "goodbye" would cause my lungs to collapse, and my last breathe would feel like our last kiss, but you said goodbye and I smiled and waved, and our last kiss was nothing more than a peck on the cheek.

3. "I'll always be here for you" turned out to be a lie and I guess I should have seen that one coming, because I don't remember you saying one truthful thing, but for now I'm grateful that you hold the honesty of a snake because I'm the prey who got away.

4. I don't cry on the bathroom floor like I did when we were together. I guess I always assumed you were the medicine the doctors give you to calm you down, but now I see that you were the poison I was trying to escape.

5. I was never very good at following my instinct.

6. I'm not sad anymore.

You talk like you know what you've been saying, but I have seen that twisted smile before and I know you're lying through your teeth. You're lungs must be rotten by now, considering how many ***** breathes you take, but I must admit, you do impress me. I watch you walk across the room with such bravery, as if nothing, no man or woman with iron eyes and steady breathes could take you down, and I know it's all forced, but you make it look so natural. It all comes back to me like a wave crashing on the shore; I know we've been here before but it feels so new this time around. Your tiny whispers crawling up my spine in the middle of the night suffocate me suddenly, and in the middle of this room I can hardly breathe. It's been so long since we talked, but you're a snake and you've been in all my dreams.

It's when everything aches
that you realize you've been lying
when you said that you were steel,
when you said you couldn't break,
because now you're lying on the kitchen floor, shattered like the plate you threw
out of frustration, and you've been crying so loud that you're neighbors are worried,
and the "I'm sorry" you sent in the mail can only go so far, because a bandaid can't fix me anymore.

I can feel myself losing air
because the water is filling my lungs
and I can see the shore
but it's so far away
and the anchor around my waist
is pulling me farther away
than I want to be
and I can't breathe anymore
I told you the first night
that you'd be the death of me

I spent six months trying to wash you out of my system, knowing all too well that it'd take more than three shots of ***** and a few walks down my street to forget how you used to grab my waist and kiss my forehead.

I spent 26 weeks wondering how you're doing, wondering where you went, wondering why I wasn't good enough to come with you. 26 weeks locked in a prison,  with my heart in a cage beneath my ribs, dying to be anyone else, anywhere else, if it meant I didn't have to think about you.

I spent 182 days crying on the bathroom floor, ignoring all the times my mom told me that it would get better, because the only way I could be better was with you next to me. 182 days wishing she'd be right.

I spent 4,368 hours untying the knots you left around my heart, trying to untangle myself from you, but it was of no use, because after 4,368 days, you called me and I found myself in a tangled mess at your feet, eager to wrap around you again.

I spent 262,080 minutes rotting in the shell of my body because you threw me out one day. 262,080 minutes, crumbling in on myself, because you said that you didn't love me anymore, after I carved out my insides to make room for the broken boy down the street.

I spent 15,724,800 seconds waiting for the day that I could look in the mirror and not see the puffy eyes from last night's tears, the day that I could finally see myself again. 15,724,800 seconds, waiting for the day that I became whole again after giving myself away to a boy who didn't care.

But the worst part is, I'd spend the next six months waiting for you if you said you wanted me to.

Say you miss me
I'll watch you lie
Say you love me
I've got time
I've watched your skin crawl
enough times by now
to know that lies come easy
to know that you know how
so kiss me goodbye
but it won't be your last
you never leave
you've been stuck in the past
Your kiss is toxic
I learned that long ago
but I'm addicted to your drugs
And I won't ever let you go

Counting heartbeats
steady breathes
watch your pace
watch your step
one wrong turn
one false step
it's all over
you lost the bet
tear streaked cheeks
And a runny nose
you try to hide it
he already knows
Curl up small
He'll wrap you up
bury your face
"It's okay, love."