In my most vulnerable time

I must have pretended that I was in the know.

Like I’d have the power to decide, if I was a mistake that God “forgot”.

God never forgets or makes mistakes.

God is bigger than my decisions and thoughts.


I am…

good at my job

really funny

empathic and kind to a fault, though working on limits

a real fighter and I learn from experience


I do matter and I am awesome.

That is a statement given to me from me.

And that’s not something I’ve been able to easily say or write before

It was an unthinkable thought,
a word I wasn’t worthy to feel or say.
But I do have worth in this world.


Now.. (This is more a reminder to myself)

Having a more healthy mind doesn't mean I have to always be happy or live perfectly.

It just means that I can handle situations and feelings a bit more easily and my lows will hopefully not be as low as before.


Love, Me

I feel a grasp of joy
holding it in my hands
feels to brittle to touch

I feel a weight in my chest
hard to notice if not from within

it all needs to coexist
keeping the lid on
builds my barriers taller

handling it, instead of hiding it
helps me move forward
makes me want to move forward

another year made a piece in my memory lane
nothing like a centerpiece at my own table,
like an accepting and hard working mind

i feel and rejoice in all the good
but i can still tumble and succumb in my past
sometimes i'm the splinter in my own finger

I stand, I sit and I am alive another day
struggling with sleep and remembering dates
writing messages, forgetting to send

I am me.
I will always be me.
though some people have left
they may have left me questioning my own reasoning of friendships

But, here I am
standing strong in a puddle
with a heavy heart full of Love
trying to give myself the time and place to grieve
and I am always working on myself.

Love, Me.

I want to say I’m tired of me
But I know more now
Im not the hole in her shoe
I'm not the broken umbrella in the storm

When the ghost of abandonment tries to make it's presence
The tell is known by it's unbelievable burn
My soul wants to start crumbling again
My heart starts to wither per automatic

It was their choice
Maybe I wasn’t even the reason they left
Maybe I wasn’t thrown away
Or maybe I was
But its not on me
Its on the who made that decision

Im trying to remind myself of my worth
Someone’s choice shouldn’t determine my worth
It have ruled my love and brokenness for so long

I know more now
The more you know the more you are
I am more

A core belief is a thing you can lean into with no second thought
You trust in it's way of leading you
Stretching those nerves
cracking knuckles to haunt your neighbor

Pearl bracelet hanging low, not even trying to hug your arm
Calming your fingers from picking at that hangnail
It’s an annoying habit with a millisecond of relief

Blisters from sharpening those pencils,
for a battle with your notebook.
Letters you don't know, when they'll attack, in what shape or form
A blister you'll have to work around, the angst gives you space for more hangnails picking

The space between your fingernail and your next endeavor is a leap of struggle
or a buffet of choices which in all realness is just a lot of overthinking as a slow road to insanity

My core belief is an quivering tree of question marks
I think it represents the mindset
to begin anything with a clean slate

Have no expectations, then you won’t be disappointed
And you get surprised if it's actually not bad
But as an overthinker with anxiety and autism I stand with the quivering tree of question marks
I begin with a silent question, who is even listening

Trying to catch phrases, pauses, looks, body language
And then the quivering tree switches the question marks to nests of information

Mental notes of things I think is important, learning later that I missed the main point
Maybe the jokes lands a bit late
It’s okay, I get there in the end

A tree is a main point for endless branches and leaves
The real gold is the process you can’t see
The roots
The roots with its wings that never sleeps
Constantly expanding, learning and growing even when others only sees what the tree lets it see

A core belief of
a pessimist
a lingering friendship
a healing wound
a riptide

For a second I had this thought
that I was more than what I’ve always believed
the propelling waves of feelings won't always connect to thinking patterns
they don't make sense, so I try to make sense with no building blocks

For what am I but a barring brook
a lifeless seed
a broken flair
following or trying to lead
will I just end up in despair

For what am I but a quenching thirst for the drenched
a feast for the satisfied
a cry for help from the saved
a missing piece for the finished puzzle

I feel out of place at the right time
So who am I?
For what am I?

Then out of nowhere and at once, the voice stopped.
No lingering feeling of self hate
The questions
The pondering
It all came to a halt
A thing that’s been with me all these years
Came to an abrupt end
Not bitter
Not sweet
Just end
An ending i’ve been hoping, but not waiting on
I didn’t know that there was such a thing
As an end to it

A blabbering, mumbling sorrow of self pity
Or just a mere convenience of a lexicon with words to degrade myself
A daily reminder of how worthless I was
So I would’ve never forgotten my reason
A reason never explained
Never cared for
With a reach of a sovereign hand I touch the notes
Floundering through the air
Playing a floating piano
“A river flows in you”
Caring for unprotected skin

I was waiting for a different ending
An abrupt ending, not like this one
Fingernails not bitten off bleeding
A curious feeling of relentlessness
Not used to the feeling of not being alone

It all came to a halt
A voice that’s been with me for years
A sadness of emptiness is nowhere to be found
A clue to a healthy mind
Maybe a fear of what could’ve been if not the voice left
A sort of trembling worry of who to now complain when I do wrong
An understatement of falling leaves from my tree

I know my family will be glad
Even though I haven’t ever told them bout the pain I contain
Who to be worthy shall never pass
Through my gates of hell
No one is worthy of that pain
Maybe not even me?

I think this was and end worth waiting for