Your hot breath still
Tortures me in my sleep.
At the most vulnerable moments,
You are a plague to my name.
How much more can you break me?
Please, God, let me give up
and let your blood seep into my bones.
You are the parts of me
I hate the most.
I wonder how much longer
Your grey skin and ***** fingernails
Will keep me up at night.

You are the silence after the rain
The scent of the wet aftermath
The earth holds its breath in renewal
I see you in the stillness between moments
When time feels less sharp
A rhythm that asks nothing
But gives everything.
The aches of the days dissolve
Like frost melting under the morning winter light
In your eyes, there is no urgency
Only infinite tenderness, a horizon of calm
You are not just a place to return to
But the quiet I carry deep within me.

A sea of sweet, bitter gulps
the truth is so far away from me
it sweeps me here like dust, I am
back to the soil
where the flowers slow dance in the place
they've always been
tough and sturdy
reliant, time and time again
with branches and leaves
and books and time
and grapes melted in my throat
help me be here, stay here
with me.

Holy water burns my organs
Replacing all liquids in my temple

Don't touch me or
You'll drown in my baptism.

Break my brittle bones
Like you know best,
I can't help but let go
Stuck to the icy floor
My breath is cold and running out
All the electric light flows out from my fingertips
Pour out like crystals and
Leave me hollow, eyes dilated and lifeless
The only way I know how to be.

In the quiet moments at 1pm
The world moves with my thoughts
Melodies pass through me like whispers,
The echoes of your laughter
Twist into questions that I still can’t answer.

I walk familiar roads alone
Wondering if I’m searching for you or
The person I lost along the way.
Some nights I search for memories
Like constellations in the stars
Faint, flickering lights.

I want to know what I want
To hold certainty like a flame in my hands
But desire shifts like a plague in my mind
Like the shadows that I grew to love
I hear your name from a great distance
And something else that I don’t understand.

I will stand in this space
Missing you, missing me
Waiting for the soft silence
To answer me.

When the world knows who to look for
And how to spend their seconds
What will you say when
Your palms are empty with choices?
When the clicks are in tune without you and
Their sounds know where to go
When you run to find the oceans
Have all but dried up
And you've been looking in all the wrong places
What will you have left, to call yourself?

There’s an old man beside me, sitting untouched in the ripped withered chair. He sits alone, his only company, a crossword puzzle. Coffee complimented with 2 pieces of apple pie, his highlighters neatly placed parallel to the book. Concentration becomes him, screaming children does not impair the streaking.

And for a few seconds, with strong beliefs of being unnoticed, unimportant, he releases a look of pure nostalgia. Memories flood the man’s white hair, pupils left vacant.

I ran from the woman I couldn’t yet see
Her heart too wild, her soul too free
Lost in the ache of everyone else's touch
Fearing the depth of feeling too much.

So I stop running, though fear grips my hand
And face the mirror I can’t yet understand
Endless reparations made a mosaic of fire
A masterpiece born of struggle and desire.

But love waits softly, in shadows I chase
A quiet whisper, a tender embrace
In broken shards I start to believe
The woman I’m running from wants me to breathe.

Is there anywhere that I belong
Besides the empty pink room
Of my twelve year old memories?
I keep searching for the key
To unbolt the little rotted door
And let wholeness flood once more.
Maybe it was never meant for me
To know long lasting security
Without fleeing from what could be
Something to be ripped from me
again and again.

Days move like smoke
Shifting, Slipping, Intangible
Dreams that I have clutched so tightly
Have unraveled in my hands
And I wonder if they were ever mine
Or just borrowed stories
I was too afraid to rewrite
Change comes quietly
Like a tide rising in the dark
Washing away all that once was.

Some endings are not always loud
Some you don’t notice until they’re already gone
This strange middle ground
Is not the version that I imagined

I am bruised but still standing
I am lost but still walking
And when I arrive , it will be a shedding
Layer by layer
Until I am bare
And afraid
And free.

Pages from a long lost notebook scream
Your every touch, pained ink spilling
From my innocence in the days of knowing you
Rules and lines I can’t erase
You stay, hovering my simple mind when you weren’t even there
And so
Do I burn it?
Cherish it?
Tear it to shreds and feed my hungry soul?

If I stare long enough, I’ll summon your imminent presence.

When every song drags inside your eardrums
And bright colors remind you of nightmares
Paralyzing numbness,
When faces seem distorted
You know she's got your back
When she grips you by the waist
breaks your ribs, you can't breathe
That's when she's got you,
and she loves you, til the very end.

When there's nothing left of you, that's when she's had you.

From every comfortable slumber
and sleepless night

You are my favorite dream.

In between languages
I struggle to find those words, like a nervous tick
Flick of my pink tongue
To speak in your presence
Accents will do me no good
If my mind races faster than my heart and
My heart races faster than my hand
When my lips part
Vomiting swarms of insects, my throat burns into disappearing smoke
I'm a quiet daffodil being fed by
The mighty sun.

Trickling in my veins like a poison
You're toxic
Killing me slowly
Black tar thick like the love I once had for you

I'm running in a circle
Pure hatred bruises me
And I can't stop drowning.

I hate this place.
I hate this feeling,
I hate these people.
I hate *** and
I hate food.
I hate the weather,
I hate this music.
I hate that I'm afraid of death's first kiss,
I hate this air.
But most of all, I hate that no matter what,
I will never hate you.

You're still a child
fighting the dark asphalt
to find your mommy again
she's lost you to the cold
wanted posters cloud the telephone poles
where have you been?
She asks.
You've spent your whole life trying to answer her.

For the voices to cease,
Fall into slumber
Sweet voices who do not know
My nightly ritual show
Desperate relief from my sorrow
Clutching my last hope.

We were at a concert
Music pounding
Our hearts colliding
You were there with me
I felt so secure
So in love
And you held my hands like
You’d never let go
And I was playing with your child
Beautiful blonde boy
His life had your energy of
Love
And you'd never let go
But it was just a dream
Never wanted to wake up again
It was just a dream
And I opened my eyes to this
Sad reality
Of never being in your dreams
Too.

Blue fish, please help my heart
Its drowning in my stomach
Broken down by acid and disease
Churning to force the rose petals that come out of my mouth
There's not enough for us but
For him, seep out of his pristine white box
In excess.

Blue fish, your colors are soft to my aching eyes
Swim and take me with you
I'm restless,
The water will be warmer
Where you go, there's nothing to lose
But the scales from your thin fins.

Blue fish, I hope to become you
When it's time to swim away.

Relinquish and release their heart beats from my back.

One of my favorite things you do
Is mumble in your sleep
A wispy whisper, secrets only we know
Underneath heavy sedation,
The comfort of avoidance
Life wanders off, forgetting us
Cotton fresh and messy hair
The sun doesn't dare bother us
Anything matters only in these short breaths, enclosed.

I guess I've decided to try this site out because I can't tell real people in my life my emotions, so I will do it here, relentlessly, unafraid.

Plus I'd really like to go back to having hobbies, especially poetry.

I really hate that everyone looks like pieces of you.  
Skinny hands, ***** fingernails, thinning hair and yellow skin.
Stomach acid bubbles up and the bitter taste of your lying words surfaces on my tongue.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand tall when the stench of your black stain, lingers, unwashable, even when I bleach myself to death to rid myself of your impurities, you goblin.
You have given me no satisfaction, let me live loosely,
I would crawl a mile to you, knees bleeding, pleading you to release me,
Remove the destructive fear of looking any man in the eye anymore.
You don't exist but in a stale memory of a time I wanted to go back to someday.

But not today.

I could draw the shape of your eyes over and over inside my head
The smooth curves of your lips
There's a softness that welcomes my long days.
I am willingly chained to your unblemished heart
My song, my sun, my God.