I want you to text me drunk
want you to admit you still love me
want you to say my name
to say please
to say I'm sorry
to be you again

I want you to tell me about those nights
the ones when I would've settled for anyone
when I grabbed your hand
I want you to tell me how you remember it
want to hear you say how safe you felt
how right everything was
want to look into your eyes
because I could never bring myself to then

I want you to need me
to love me
to hurt me
to tell me you hate me
want you to want me until it hurts
until your heart explodes
until you start kicking yourself ******
because you know I will try to fix you
want you to be empty
to be sad
to be angry
to be forgotten
I want to be there
to be thoughts
to be longing
to be lust
to be dark living room
to be eighth beer
to be cigarette break
to be last time
to be last time
to be last time
to be I swear to god this is the last time

I want to destroy you from the inside out
want to be worse for you than the ******* in your veins
want to fill your lungs like tar
to burn your throat when you cough up my name
want your eyes to sting
your head to pulse the next morning like my heartbeat
your tongue to taste like mine

I want to be unhealthy
want to be bad habit
to be addiction
to be two weeks sober
to be relapse
to be six months sober
to be relapse
want you to come back
to crawl back
to beg
to cry
want you to feel every place I've ever touched you

I want you to realize what love is
want you to stop using the word lightly
want to get my heart's worth
want you to know what you signed up for
want you to understand what loving me means

How do I say
Jesus Christ you've changed
without seeming like I don't like who you've become
because I miss the old you
I miss the jokes the old you told
I miss the way you didn't hold my hand unless I held yours first
I miss the nights when you were honest
I miss you always knowing when something was wrong
but lately you only make jokes at other people's expense
you grab my waist too hard
it always seems like you're trying to cover something up
you never ask me if I'm upset
which I'm almost happy about because you're normally the reason
you never come see me anymore and I'm wondering why that is
because I'm not sure if you remember when you said you loved me but I do
and I'm not sure if you still do but I thought I did for a while
until you disappeared and I think you left the old you in rehab
you've started drinking again
do you remember when you said it made you sad when I drank because I do
that's the reason I stopped
but now that you've picked up the bottle so have I
and our fingers are almost meeting in the middle
I'm scared to let you know how close I am to you
because I think you might rip it out of my hands and let it shatter at my feet
then leave me to pick up the pieces.

Why the **** do I care about you so much?

Maybe it's because you've been in my life for so long

Or maybe it's because you were almost my first kiss

Or it's because of that night you held me

Or because I think I was the girl you talked about in that letter

Or because you were the first person to ever claim to be in love with me.

You were drunk when you first said it and I didn't believe you

Until three years later when you told my best friend about it

And you said the night you held me was the best night of your life

And I believed you.

I don't think you know what love is.

I don't think I do either.

I tell myself I love you.

I convince myself I don't.

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow—
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream:
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand—
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep—while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

You

All pierced ears
and tattoos
and walking out of classrooms

Me

All thumb rings
And flannel shirts
And anonymous emails

You

With strong arms
And scars
And a smile like a rainstorm

Me

With bony knees
And freckles
And chapped lips

You

Your dilated pupils
Tar choked lungs
Stories from rehab

Me

My slurred words
Empty bottles
Hangovers

You

Saying I miss you
Please kiss me
I love you

Me

Saying I'm drunk
Please need me
I'm empty

I relapsed in every way I could last night and when people ask about my scars I have trouble saying "I used to cut" because I feel like I'm lying to them and when she asked me why I did it I didn't know what to say other than "I'm drunk" and it was one hundred and one degrees Fahrenheit today and I wore a flannel shirt so my parents wouldn't see the canyon I carved into my arm and I didn't get out of bed until four PM because of my hangover and my mom brought me Advil and seltzer water and it breaks my heart that she helped me and I couldn't tell her what was wrong and I don't know how to ******* help myself anymore I feel like such a lost cause and I think it might be better if I just killed myself because then I wouldn't have to deal with this and I wouldn't keep hurting people and I'm sorry I keep doing this I'm sorry I don't know how to handle this I'm sorry I'm a bad person I'm sorry I stole your ***** I'm sorry I got blood on the sheets

My heart beat so hard the first time I held your hand
I'm sure you felt me shaking
and I drunk texted you once
and I still meant it all the next day
and I embarrassed myself in front of you
but my face didn't turn red

and I named a poem after you
and somebody called it beautiful