Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
 
19;
ash Mar 2016
19;
in the corner of my kitchen ceiling drapes
ribbons of  "happy birthday" in bright colorful letters and light yellow balloons.
the stench of two-day old laughter remains
long after I am too busy to clean it up.
19.
two decades passing me by already?
i ask myself as i lay on another recliner
in another house in another state on another year. instability never changed.
but this year, i am another person.
19.
i want to help the trees grow; i want to sing
to the flowers and heal the animals.
i want to develop a companionship with
every stone and gem and i want my friends
to listen when i weep for mother nature.
19.
i'd like to be better by the age 20.
i want my body to stop punishing me
for the horror i've put it through all my life
and i want it to instead be able to thank me
for restoring it and loving myself entirely.
19.
people cannot be changed, but influenced.
i've been influenced by being punished
for the horror i've forced my Earth to endure.
i've seen with my own eyes how little
anyone cares, and how little i've done to teach them.
19.
this will be my age of enlightenment
and my time to retreat from pop culture
as it has affected me once before
and I am highly susceptible to illness.
it is time to fulfill my purpose as a healer
in this world
19.
ash Jun 2016
The child looked up at me with deep brown eyes and asked me for my cell phone.
How his father watched him with discord for this learned behavior.
His mother sat on the couch and tapped on a screen, looking up only when the child did something silly.
The father brought out some pudding and tried to feed his son.
I grabbed a toy phone and answered "hello!?" To an empty line.
"Yes!" I said as the child looked back up at me.
"It's for you," I stated, handing him a piece of plastic which would have his attention for about 14 seconds.
I felt so much tension in the air as his mother left the room to have a cigarette and asked me to join her,
Though I did quit for a reason.
These people are my friends, so why didn't this feel like a friendly encounter? I noted this subtly.
The father doesn't know his son very well, I also noted.
The father doesn't want to be here, I noted again.
I noted many things.
If the notes were material I would have paper filling my pockets.
The mother and I caught up; i haven't seen her in years.
I noted that she was trying hard to prove something, but I couldn't tell what it was.
I noted that the father was feeling uncomfortable in the next room.
When my lungs were tired of the cigarette smoke, I moved into the next room which wasn't much better, I noted again.
The child hit his head and I immediately reacted, rubbing the side of my own skull. He hits his head a lot, I realized, seeing the bruise at the very top of his forehead.
The goodbyes were short and disingenuous. I almost hesitated leaving.
I have to say something, I thought.
But my mouth was shut.
The child isn't my child, and the friends are hardly friends.
After the interaction I reflect, thinking on all the things I couldn't see with my physical eyes.
And I wonder what I can do to help that child.
The answer is,
be there.
ash Mar 2016
My life is a fashion show,
My country's flag is a poster,
The stars are check marks off a shopping list,
And my future president wants to build a barrier to keep us in-
And keep the rest of us out.

Outside I hear a child
Calling out to the world and begging,
Screaming that he'll see change.
Swearing that if he can have a chance
He will see himself.

The television buzzes.
I am not sure what it's saying
But the colors tell me that I'm not supposed to know.
And each time I try to understand
I am to expect a slap to the wrist.

My future president has a lot of money;
I've seen pennies fly out of his mouth.
His heart is grey and his eyes glow red
But I've been taught to believe in the colors and I'm not supposed to know
What they mean.

My cats are unaware
Of any inconvenience.
Whether we change the world or not,
They'll find food in their dishes daily.
They will have a human to curl up next to.

The trees are sad today.
Earth knows it will fall victim
To this vile mess of waste and greed
Only to serve a species with no mind to realize
That we're meant to care for that which gives us life.

I've been watching reruns
Each day I have spent in this life.
Nobody wants to hear the truth.
Nobody wants to believe working together will change the world,
But hasn't the world been at war this whole time?
ash Mar 2016
Bury me beneath this not-so-hidden desire
So that I may drown in this feeling
Never to be reciprocated.
I will live in fear of losing you.

I put myself behind these bars
So that I may never start a fire in you.
These dreams are illegal;
These memories are my crime.

Smother me
So that I may suffocate in emptiness.
Forever longing,
I will love you my entire life
a straight best friend.
just put me out of my misery.
ash Jan 2016
A third eye.
That's what you would call it.

The sense of knowing before I should know,
That's how I would describe it.

"Fine!" you may be tempted to say to me,
"What am I thinking of right now?"

Like the kids in elementary school
With their games, sometimes their deeply held beliefs.

And even then I'd typically
Know, without a turn of the head

Without looking up at you
But just staring at the tile

That you are looking straight past me
At the cat through the window

That you are doubting everything
I've ever said to you

Because knowing
Is such an impossible thing.

But I'd smile and say,
"Oh, that's not how it works"

And feel the disappointment mixed with relief
Seeping from your pores

As you continue to think of
That woman you saw earlier.

You know, the one you can't have
And God help you if you ever do.

I walk away and utter to myself,
"It'll last a few weeks, then she'll be bored of you."
ash Jun 2016
I am in love with you, but so is he.
You're in love with him; you also love me.
He is afraid of me,
But he need not be.
I love you too much to sabotage your family.

He fears the impossible; that I could ever steal you away.
I fear the impossible; that he could ever keep me away.
I want to be with you in the most platonic way
For any other would never be okay.

Uttered those words as we sat on the beach and it
Took just about everything out of me.
The force of the full moon made me speak
Of that which I'm most ashamed of.
I sighed, 'I have to tell you something'
You listened and your eyes went green
And you said that you felt the same.

I love you but you are in my reach
And you are never to be touched
Again.
I love you
ash Aug 2016
But don't tell anybody.

I asked some customers today,
How do you spell Berenstein?

I asked a co-worker today,
"Do you feel like your interpretation
of reality
Has been corrupted?"

But he didn't get it.
He said, "no, but you've definitely shaken it."

"Not today" I said.
"I mean- today, but every other day as well."

Silence.

Why doesn't anybody hear me
As well as they hear Britney?
ash Jan 2016
You;
It all began with you.
Not the pills.
I'd never tasted addiction before
Only in the form of sticking my head down a toilet, or smoking 16 cigarettes.

Fall
In winter-
I'd hope you get it
Because every moment at first
Felt like an autumn day. It felt comfortable,
There was joy.

I;
Anxious me.
Anxious, obsessive-compulsive
Me. I needed you like a drug.
I was selfish, and you began to forget
Who you said you were.

Fall,
Like we began to.
But last fall, I didn't feel joy with you.
And I ask myself, late January,
Was breaking down my walls and allowing
You to understand me
Ever worth it?

We;
A perfect picture
Of two high school sweetheart drop-outs.
Of two ******, suicidal fools. And even
At the bottom layer, there were so many things
Only you knew. Know.

All
Good things end.
Or change paths before they do.
This was a twisted path, one I'd never
Dared to think of before I understood,
And I know I must be the grown up here
And say goodbye.

Fall
Will come again.
But I won't think about that for now.
I'll continue to move ahead, paying no
Mind to the ghouls around me.
When I say I plan to accomplish Something, I do it.

Down;
Turn the memories down low.
I am trying to read about my next big
Step in life. And I just wanted to make sure
You knew that you are not-nor will you
Ever be, a link in the chain again.
I'm not going to apologize.
ash Jan 2016
I have a secret!
But you'll never know!
I find it amusing,
But won't let it show.

You see, life is puzzling
And I aim to be
The most puzzling person
I could ever be.

I won't let them spill,
(these thoughts in my head)
For no one will know them
Until I am dead!

Do not be afraid
I don't mean to say
That I am a danger
Or I am insane.

But I still can't say,
It's all locked away!
I'll hand you a note when
You drop by my wake!
ash Mar 2016
the street light flickered
when I thought of your smile,
rose pink lips and soft face.
the man grimaced
when I told him your name
he said I'll burn for eternity.
my lungs became empty
when I realized, my fate
and yours don't line up.

i have spent years
crying over something
i'll never have to lose in the first place.
i miss something
that was never mine.
if only I weren't cowardly..
i tell everyone about you
and sometimes I'm interrupted
by an involuntary sob.
ash Apr 2017
i want everything to be the way it was.
i want to pretend again-
that your eyes didn't sing to me each time they met mine,
and maybe then- it would have gone away naturally.
i want to pretend that it didn't **** me that you chose to put away your pride to belong to someone who has never seen your light.
and pretend the light wasn't just a reflection of the person I wanted to see in you.
i'll pretend that the things I watched you do weren't purely just your fingers pulling on the strings of the hearts of those who chose to see only that beauty in your smile.
and i'll pretend that i haven't thought about you every day for the past four years- wondering what reckless thing you'll do to your soul next.
and that every time you got sick, I wasn't worrying about whether i should step in to help you because I didn't want to cross any unspoken boundaries.
i want to pretend that he didn't look at me like a bomb threat- and that the things he did were not pure evil.
i want to pretend that you thought of me as family, and that you treated me as so.
i want to pretend that i truly mattered to you. not only when it was late at night and you were thinking of putting yourself in harms way
and not only when he wasn't treating you like the goddess I believed you to be.
i want to hug you, and pretend that i feel warmth in your embrace.
i want to see you, but i never want to look into those eyes again.
no, never again..
because instead of enjoying the melodies I once heard
i'll be revisiting memories of sounds that once made me sway.
to my ex best friend.
ash Aug 2016
I am weeping for the trees
And for the grass, and for the flowers.
I am weeping for the souls
And the soulless, and the soulful.

When I tune my brain correctly
All I can feel is deep, throbbing, horrid pain.
And I wonder if anyone could feel the pain I feel,
Would they weep with me?

I feel the pain of the animals in the plants,
I feel their blood-curdling screams looping
Over and over until it's all I can hear.
I feel the abuse and depression in every creature  who knows they will be violently slaughtered.

I feel the pain of mother nature.
She is asking, "why do you destroy the gifts I have given you?"
She is crying, "nobody is listening to my warnings,
The droughts, the storms, the disasters"

I feel the pain of human beings
I feel the pain they know not yet that they feel.
That each and every one of them is enslaved, bred, and controlled.
Maybe we aren't so different from the cattle on our plate.

I feel the pain of the creatures in the ocean
Who are lucky if they don't ingest poison early on in their lifetime,
Who are lucky if they don't get caught in plastic
Or in a net, to suddenly-slowly dehydrate and die.

I feel, mostly the pain of our creator,
Who goes by many different names.
That they created us to learn and grow, and love, and spread love
Yet, all anyone can focus on is their own gain.

I am weeping for the world
Because the weight is pushing down on me.
I am weeping for the souls
Who are overwhelmed by the pain and cry with me.
I just want to change everything.
ash Mar 2016
**** it.
ash Mar 2016
that you
see it.

and i want
you to
look me
straight in
the eye
and tell
me I
am wrong.

I don't know what I want.
ash Mar 2016
I promise."
it's okay. I'm easy to forget.
ash Dec 2014
herewith do i ask of my fine friends;
why have i yet to see the light of day?
i waited on the cold gravel sulking,
thinking, and again found myself
begging my great woe to waste away

the story became a bit too much,
i wrote it on my legs that wouldn't cart.
as the eyes and faces watched me i sighed
for the first time in months there was joy
but to joy escaping was an art.
ash Jul 2016
my head is hanging out of the window of a moving car
and i am trying to fly.
the sound of the music drowns out thought
i want to be here, and i am meant to be here.

my heart is hanging by a fine thread
over someone's mind.
and they do not agree with me
so i try my best to map out their soul.

somebody's heart is hanging by a rope
above my own mind.
my head is hurting and my eyes will not focus.
none of them will.

i am holding a cat in my arms
whispering "i'm sorry"
for those of us who refuse to acknowledge that she knows
what i am trying to say.

as you take a bite of flesh,
i rip a chunk of an apple from its core.

you really think my heart is in the wrong place?
ash Nov 2016
there is a girl
choking on her own *****-
i think she may have
gotten it on her halo.

i gaze at the
dark eyes staring back at me
in the mirror here
and try to see something nice.

"try again" she
grumbles and then tiptoes back
to her death bed
and again, gorges herself.
ash Mar 2016
If I could say how I really felt
And say it straight to your face
And tell you why this hurts so much
It would never fix a thing.

The stress would be ******* the baby
And I would never want that.
Your husband may despise me
And I certainly wouldn't want that.

Love stifled by a bond
And by your own heart.
You agreed we were 'soul mates'
In a friend way.

Oh my god I've never seen
Any eyes quite as lovely.
I watch them sometimes
Trying to make sense of my woe.

Don't give me that look again please.
You are my forbidden dream.
I am but a lost puppy
And I'll believe everything you say.

My cheeks burned red
When you playfully flirted.
Never do that again please.
My chest feels so heavy compared to reason.

I dream about the old days
When I'd kiss you and
I would pretend
It didn't mean anything.

When I think about it too much
I don't sleep.
There has never, ever been
A good time to tell you.
I'm so in love with you.
I'm never going to stop,
But if it truly bothers you
I can go on pretending that I'm not.
ash Nov 2014
me, fate, and uncertainty
we're a trio you know.
fate introduced me at first,
and i really was hesitant to know her-
but uncertainty is fine with me
ash Mar 2016
Haven't you been told about the golden rule?
Or have you had your innocence taken too?
It's a shame you've no shame ma'am.
Keep pretending you're not a predator; a ******* cheetah.
The popcorn went stale and the beverage made me feel ill

A childhood away I feel ill thinking about you.
Keep your kindness and keep your secret.
You'll remain numb and empty for the things you have done to me
I'll remember the drugs in your drawer.
You'll rot in the place of which you're so fearful.
So will I, but you're the basis of it all.
MTT
ash Jan 2016
"Again," I would cry!
"Lie again!
It's all been a lie!"

And out they would come.
"Hey baby,
."
They would say to me.

I had to learn to
Forget;
Had to learn distrust.

You know, it's easy
To pretend
You know who you are.

Vous étiez mon soleil
Mais vous me
L'avez fait congeler.
I hate you
ash Jul 2016
i feel a cold blade slice down my spine.
you are reading an article about politics
i am muttering something about a great revolt,
sitting on the floor with my legs crossed
thinking about the gift i have to give to the world.
you say something about giving up-
but i seem to have forgotten what that means.
you understand the state of our lives
because i have made you see.
a single sharp tear is trickling down your nose
and onto the tablet screen.
fall, fall, fall.
it's all going to fall;
it's all coming this fall.
gather 'round to see the things i see.
gather 'round to see the change we need.
you aren't a robot, not anymore at least. you are more than your 9-5 and  low self-esteem. you are more than a pack a day and 3 McChickens sitting in the way of your dreams. you are more than two eyes glued to a screen. you are more than a sad movie scene. we are stars in the sky, not the stars in fabricated magazines.
you are more than what your government has conditioned you to be.
ash Nov 2014
you apologize when i let you ramble on
about  god, the stars, why you're here and our purpose
all i see is your soul and i don't think i can
understand why apology is due because
the more i see of your soul and idea of
sense of worth and significance to our blind world,
the more i want to break down this silly facade
and the happier i am to see through your skin.
after sitting outside with the boy who never likes to feel.

— The End —