i want everything to be the way it was.
i want to pretend again-
that your eyes didn't sing to me each time they met mine,
and maybe then- it would have gone away naturally.
i want to pretend that it didn't **** me that you chose to put away your pride to belong to someone who has never seen your light.
and pretend the light wasn't just a reflection of the person I wanted to see in you.
i'll pretend that the things I watched you do weren't purely just your fingers pulling on the strings of the hearts of those who chose to see only that beauty in your smile.
and i'll pretend that i haven't thought about you every day for the past four years- wondering what reckless thing you'll do to your soul next.
and that every time you got sick, I wasn't worrying about whether i should step in to help you because I didn't want to cross any unspoken boundaries.
i want to pretend that he didn't look at me like a bomb threat- and that the things he did were not pure evil.
i want to pretend that you thought of me as family, and that you treated me as so.
i want to pretend that i truly mattered to you. not only when it was late at night and you were thinking of putting yourself in harms way
and not only when he wasn't treating you like the goddess I believed you to be.
i want to hug you, and pretend that i feel warmth in your embrace.
i want to see you, but i never want to look into those eyes again.
no, never again..
because instead of enjoying the melodies I once heard
i'll be revisiting memories of sounds that once made me sway.

trust the trying temples.

there is a girl
choking on her own *****-
i think she may have
gotten it on her halo.

i gaze at the
dark eyes staring back at me
in the mirror here
and try to see something nice.

"try again" she
grumbles and then tiptoes back
to her death bed
and again, gorges herself.

I am weeping for the trees
And for the grass, and for the flowers.
I am weeping for the souls
And the soulless, and the soulful.

When I tune my brain correctly
All I can feel is deep, throbbing, horrid pain.
And I wonder if anyone could feel the pain I feel,
Would they weep with me?

I feel the pain of the animals in the plants,
I feel their blood-curdling screams looping
Over and over until it's all I can hear.
I feel the abuse and depression in every creature  who knows they will be violently slaughtered.

I feel the pain of mother nature.
She is asking, "why do you destroy the gifts I have given you?"
She is crying, "nobody is listening to my warnings,
The droughts, the storms, the disasters"

I feel the pain of human beings
I feel the pain they know not yet that they feel.
That each and every one of them is enslaved, bred, and controlled.
Maybe we aren't so different from the cattle on our plate.

I feel the pain of the creatures in the ocean
Who are lucky if they don't ingest poison early on in their lifetime,
Who are lucky if they don't get caught in plastic
Or in a net, to suddenly-slowly dehydrate and die.

I feel, mostly the pain of our creator,
Who goes by many different names.
That they created us to learn and grow, and love, and spread love
Yet, all anyone can focus on is their own gain.

I am weeping for the world
Because the weight is pushing down on me.
I am weeping for the souls
Who are overwhelmed by the pain and cry with me.

But don't tell anybody.

I asked some customers today,
How do you spell Berenstein?

I asked a co-worker today,
"Do you feel like your interpretation
of reality
Has been corrupted?"

But he didn't get it.
He said, "no, but you've definitely shaken it."

"Not today" I said.
"I mean- today, but every other day as well."

Silence.

Why doesn't anybody hear me
As well as they hear Britney?

The child looked up at me with deep brown eyes and asked me for my cell phone.
How his father watched him with discord for this learned behavior.
His mother sat on the couch and tapped on a screen, looking up only when the child did something silly.
The father brought out some pudding and tried to feed his son.
I grabbed a toy phone and answered "hello!?" To an empty line.
"Yes!" I said as the child looked back up at me.
"It's for you," I stated, handing him a piece of plastic which would have his attention for about 14 seconds.
I felt so much tension in the air as his mother left the room to have a cigarette and asked me to join her,
Though I did quit for a reason.
These people are my friends, so why didn't this feel like a friendly encounter? I noted this subtly.
The father doesn't know his son very well, I also noted.
The father doesn't want to be here, I noted again.
I noted many things.
If the notes were material I would have paper filling my pockets.
The mother and I caught up; i haven't seen her in years.
I noted that she was trying hard to prove something, but I couldn't tell what it was.
I noted that the father was feeling uncomfortable in the next room.
When my lungs were tired of the cigarette smoke, I moved into the next room which wasn't much better, I noted again.
The child hit his head and I immediately reacted, rubbing the side of my own skull. He hits his head a lot, I realized, seeing the bruise at the very top of his forehead.
The goodbyes were short and disingenuous. I almost hesitated leaving.
I have to say something, I thought.
But my mouth was shut.
The child isn't my child, and the friends are hardly friends.
After the interaction I reflect, thinking on all the things I couldn't see with my physical eyes.
And I wonder what I can do to help that child.
The answer is,
be there.

that you
see it.

and i want
you to
look me
straight in
the eye
and tell
me I
am wrong.

I don't know what I want.

the street light flickered
when I thought of your smile,
rose pink lips and soft face.
the man grimaced
when I told him your name
he said I'll burn for eternity.
my lungs became empty
when I realized, my fate
and yours don't line up.

i have spent years
crying over something
i'll never have to lose in the first place.
i miss something
that was never mine.
if only I weren't cowardly..
i tell everyone about you
and sometimes I'm interrupted
by an involuntary sob.

If I could say how I really felt
And say it straight to your face
And tell you why this hurts so much
It would never fix a thing.

The stress would be ******* the baby
And I would never want that.
Your husband may despise me
And I certainly wouldn't want that.

Love stifled by a bond
And by your own heart.
You agreed we were 'soul mates'
In a friend way.

Oh my god I've never seen
Any eyes quite as lovely.
I watch them sometimes
Trying to make sense of my woe.

Don't give me that look again please.
You are my forbidden dream.
I am but a lost puppy
And I'll believe everything you say.

My cheeks burned red
When you playfully flirted.
Never do that again please.
My chest feels so heavy compared to reason.

I dream about the old days
When I'd kiss you and
I would pretend
It didn't mean anything.

When I think about it too much
I don't sleep.
There has never, ever been
A good time to tell you.

Haven't you been told about the golden rule?
Or have you had your innocence taken too?
It's a shame you've no shame ma'am.
Keep pretending you're not a predator; a ******* cheetah.
The popcorn went stale and the beverage made me feel ill

A childhood away I feel ill thinking about you.
Keep your kindness and keep your secret.
You'll remain numb and empty for the things you have done to me
I'll remember the drugs in your drawer.
You'll rot in the place of which you're so fearful.
So will I, but you're the basis of it all.

A third eye.
That's what you would call it.

The sense of knowing before I should know,
That's how I would describe it.

"Fine!" you may be tempted to say to me,
"What am I thinking of right now?"

Like the kids in elementary school
With their games, sometimes their deeply held beliefs.

And even then I'd typically
Know, without a turn of the head

Without looking up at you
But just staring at the tile

That you are looking straight past me
At the cat through the window

That you are doubting everything
I've ever said to you

Because knowing
Is such an impossible thing.

But I'd smile and say,
"Oh, that's not how it works"

And feel the disappointment mixed with relief
Seeping from your pores

As you continue to think of
That woman you saw earlier.

You know, the one you can't have
And God help you if you ever do.

I walk away and utter to myself,
"It'll last a few weeks, then she'll be bored of you."

I have a secret!
But you'll never know!
I find it amusing,
But won't let it show.

You see, life is puzzling
And I aim to be
The most puzzling person
I could ever be.

I won't let them spill,
(these thoughts in my head)
For no one will know them
Until I am dead!

Do not be afraid
I don't mean to say
That I am a danger
Or I am insane.

But I still can't say,
It's all locked away!
I'll hand you a note when
You drop by my wake!

"Again," I would cry!
"Lie again!
It's all been a lie!"

And out they would come.
"Hey baby,
."
They would say to me.

I had to learn to
Forget;
Had to learn distrust.

You know, it's easy
To pretend
You know who you are.

Vous étiez mon soleil
Mais vous me
L'avez fait congeler.

herewith do i ask of my fine friends;
why have i yet to see the light of day?
i waited on the cold gravel sulking,
thinking, and again found myself
begging my great woe to waste away

the story became a bit too much,
i wrote it on my legs that wouldn't cart.
as the eyes and faces watched me i sighed
for the first time in months there was joy
but to joy escaping was an art.

you apologize when i let you ramble on
about  god, the stars, why you're here and our purpose
all i see is your soul and i don't think i can
understand why apology is due because
the more i see of your soul and idea of
sense of worth and significance to our blind world,
the more i want to break down this silly facade
and the happier i am to see through your skin.

me, fate, and uncertainty
we're a trio you know.
fate introduced me at first,
and i really was hesitant to know her-
but uncertainty is fine with me