mare tranquillitatis
sea of tranquility
our place of security, of calm
Blue Moon, Moon River
across the hall
feels 238,900 miles away

I suppose it doesn't feel so bad
after all
this is exactly what I always expect
a pattern repeated,
regardless of the reason
it's almost a relief, almost
comfort in the known, the expected
not a new home
just a road trip stop
pulling into a familiar driveway
even if all the lights are off

I'm less upset, I think
than I thought I'd be
I've built a beautiful life for myself
Great friends and a job I love
I am brimming with love
and nothing can take that away
not even you

part of me feels so ashamed
and I can see their faces now
corneas coated in pity
but they didn't expect anything else,
not really
it's never different,
it's just me
a sad exhale, it never changes
I'd stop trying if it meant
escaping their cassette-recording speeches and sorries
but part of me desperately wants,
aches to prove them wrong
that I'm not cursed
that it can be me
that I deserve it too

how long can I keep up the facade?
hold my head above water,
paste a smile on
not feel the buzzing underneath my skin
Ten years later, there it is again
can you believe it?
back like it never left
Whether to protect or sabotage,
to be determined
A month in, and there she is
a bitter reflection, grenade in hand
ready to pull the pin
just when you think you're safe

a mean kind of anger, bitterness
washes over me again
an all-too familiar feeling
how could I have let you in
opened the door
left the kitchen light on.
now I'm standing in the doorway alone
the lightbulb's out
long after you find someone better

on sunday I found myself
flipping through vintage postcards
looking for the church where we first kissed
I think I wanted to show you what it used to be
but I'm not sure
all I know is that you've done it already
infiltrated my every thought