Laying curled up trying to think of nothing.
Ipod playing music unheard.
The wall comes in and out of focus. Stare too long and you see new things.
You don't really want to feel like this, but you can't seem to feel any other way.
Is it worth it to surrender your emotions?
Everyone's got to start somewhere.

First drops outside barely noticed. Second drops splash harder.
Door thrown open. Shoes fly off, bounce and roll on the floor.
Bare feet smack wood. Jump. Now dirt, now grass. Running.
Cool drops on skin turn to stings not felt. Arms raised.
Spinning. Jumping. Laughing.
18 years of life fade as she forgets the world.
Dancing to a song only heard in her head. Calm now. Rain stops.
Walk home splashing in puddles along the way. Hair askew, clothes dripping.
Smiling as the sun graces the world again. This is care free happiness.
To not think about troubles of life and to just enjoy life itself.

A year into our marriage he said he wanted out. I said no I'm not giving up.

Society tells us "Do what makes you happy." We are a nation of quitters. It's ok to quite at the slightest inconvenience, "It's just not for you, that's ok."

No it's not ok.

A small part of me wanted out too but I'm not a quitter and I serve Christ before man. Selfishness was the main problem. I had it all figured out on what my husband needed to do to change and make things better. God showed me trying to fix him was only going to make it worse.

I needed to change, I needed to have the unconditional love for my husband that Christ has for us. Forgiveness and mercy needed to become part of my daily vocabulary. So many nights I cried myself to sleep alone. I could have chosen to hate him and lash back at him. What good would it have done me?

God had me humble myself. God alone is the judge of man. Who am I to judge anyone? As long as I am right with God I am protected and loved. God's love is greater than any man.

Then something major happened to my husband that could have torn us apart if I had been focused on doing what was right in my eyes. Instead I took the opportunity to reach out to him, to love him at his lowest.

If I had been playing by the worlds rules I should have kicked him while he was down. Even after all he had put me through I had a deep love for him that reached a spiritual level. God brought us together and rekindled a love that had been trampled on and forgotten.

Let God's love lead you. 'The opposite of biblical love isn't hate, its apathy. To stop moving toward our spouse is to stop loving him or her. It's holding back from the very purpose of marriage.'

1 Corinthians 13:17- Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

1 Corinthians 3:19a- For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.

Romans 2:7-8- To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality, He will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil,there will be wrath and anger.

James 4:12- God alone, who gave the law, is the Judge. He alone has the power to save or to destroy. So what right do you have to judge your neighbor?

Tired of talking. Always talking.
Do you understand the potential of silence?
Leave me alone for awhile and you may get your answers.
Stop trying to help me.
I don't want to rely on human help anymore. It just ends in more problems.
Yes I know ignoring the problem doesn't work, but it sure is easier.
Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves up again.
Well can I just lay here awhile? The sky is beautiful.
Enjoy it and falling isn't that hard anymore.
And when I'm ready, I know there is One who will lift me up again.

I don't want to be a part of your world.
Full of poseurs and flirts.
Relationships mean nothing. Thrown away at the slightest inconvenience.

Full of drama and backstabbing. It doesn't matter in the end.

And honestly I feel sorry for you. I don't envy the day you wake up to the real world.
Enjoy your life while you can. When you finally realize, please don't waste time on regret.
Move on and make the best out of this mess you call life.

Time slows, silent water bullets plunge down
Bullets of regret, shame and selfishness
Piercing air. Explosions release the pain
Quiet puddles. Mixture of water,salt and dirt
Forgiveness comes next. By God and self
Tears fall to the floor. So does regret and shame
Most of all unforgiveness falls. Whispering. Be free my child

Run.
You run and I run with you.
We run together not caring whats behind us. Though it cares about us.
Just run, to be free is to be with you.
But shouldn't it be the other way around?
How do we know our priorities aren't messed up?
Doubt waves a lazy hello as we run. I grasp your hand and run harder.
I'm with you and that's all that matters.
Head strong to take on anyone.
To be with you is to be free.

Thoughts everywhere like chaos.
The one that stands out the most, I love everything about you.
I can't see anything but your eyes.
They haunt me in the best way possible.
Emotions everywhere in a beautiful mess, the one that stands out the most is confusion.
I feel like I know everything and nothing at the same time.
Even though I'm miles away from you I still feel you holding me.
For a moment I close my eyes and hold onto everything I'm thinking, feeling, wishing.
Wishing I wasn't missing you.

Little girl, why do you run to that thing you call love? Why do you let yourself be used and abused? I'm here calling you to come back to Me.
I see you turn to look and then choose to go your own way. Why do you give yourself away? You are breaking My heart. You are Mine, a child of God.
I can give you more. That emptiness you feel when you are by yourself can be filled. With Me you are never alone.
Little girl choose life and return to Me. You are My beloved and I am yours.

Am I confusing this sorrow in my heart for love? How can the desire for acceptance hurt so much. Not acceptance from you, I have that, oh how I have that. It's acceptance for us.
Can I risk my life as I know it for you. I would give up everything to be with you and I'd be happy even if we crashed and burned. At least we'd be burning together.
Together we are stronger. I will no longer hold back. Its time to put aside the aching fear of doubt and rise from the ashes we chose to create.

Thoughts everywhere like chaos.
The one that stands out the most, I love everything about you.
I can't see anything but your eyes.
They haunt me in the best way possible.
Emotions everywhere in a beautiful mess, the one that stands out the most is confusion.
I feel like I know everything and nothing at the same time.
Even though I'm miles away from you I still feel you holding me.
For a moment I close my eyes and hold onto everything I'm thinking, feeling, wishing.
Wishing I wasn't missing you.

The storm of life surrounds me. I didn't ask for this.I stepped out in faith, but am left with no faith.I see two clearings. One behind me where I came from. One ahead, but I have to go deeper into the storm to get to it.My body is tense with indecision.If I go back I know I can find peace for a time. Contentment in apathy.What lies ahead? Do I want to know?I'm tired of the storm, so weary. I'm also tired of all the apathy and disobedience.All of the sudden I hear a faint call."Find me." it says.I'm frozen in place. "I don't know, Lord. Help me.""Trust me." the voice whispers."But I did, God. And this is where you brought me." I cry brokenhearted."I trusted you God. I know you will never leave me or forsake me. I don't trust myself to be who you want me to be."I'm on my knees now. The storm beating against all sides of me."Trust me!" the voice is yelling now. "Forget about yourself. Find me. Look to me and then you will find both yourself and me."I start to stand. Unseen forces try and push me back down. The clearing ahead is so far away.I tear myself free of invisible chains.I'm running faster than I've ever run.Head bent down, arms pumping, legs straining, gasping for breath.Then it stops.Everything stops.Everything is white. I made it.I fall.Hands and knees hit first. I stay there trying to breathe evenly."God." I gasp"Yes child." He whispers."Save me." I choke out."I already have. You are free." He says gently but firmly.Tears streaming down my face I raise my head and look up.The clearing has changed. It's not white anymore.It's filled with buildings and there are sidewalks and people.The people are everywhere. Cars too.The smell of the city hits me.I'm on my knees in the middle of a crowd, in the middle of the city. In the middle of life."Now go and tell others of me." God says.I smile, bow my head for a second then stand up.Brush the grit from my bruised and ****** knees and start walking.Walking in faith again.

Surrounded by people.  So alone.
Distance separates us but their voices are farther.
I smile and nod at them,
but its just a defense.
Protection from questions.
Can't wait to talk to you again.
I wonder how you are doing,  so far from me.
I feel so weak,
thoughts of you strengthen and break me at the same time.
My heart hurts but I go on.
Knowing we can see each other again.
Just stay safe and come back home.

Laying curled up trying to think of nothing.
Ipod playing music unheard.
The wall comes in and out of focus. Stare too long and you see new things.
You don't really want to feel like this, but you can't seem to feel any other way.
Is it worth it to surrender your emotions?
Everyone's got to start somewhere.

I don't want to be a part of your world.
Full of poseurs and flirts.
Relationships mean nothing. Thrown away at the slightest inconvenience.

Full of drama and backstabbing. It doesn't matter in the end.

And honestly I feel sorry for you. I don't envy the day you wake up to the real world.
Enjoy your life while you can. When you finally realize, please don't waste time on regret.
Move on and make the best out of this mess you call life.

Tired of talking. Always talking.
Do you understand the potential of silence?
Leave me alone for awhile and you may get your answers.
Stop trying to help me.
I don't want to rely on human help anymore. It just ends in more problems.
Yes I know ignoring the problem doesn't work, but it sure is easier.
Why do we fall? To learn to pick ourselves up again.
Well can I just lay here awhile? The sky is beautiful.
Enjoy it and falling isn't that hard anymore.
And when I'm ready, I know there is One who will lift me up again.

Run.
You run and I run with you.
We run together not caring whats behind us. Though it cares about us.
Just run, to be free is to be with you.
But shouldn't it be the other way around?
How do we know our priorities aren't messed up?
Doubt waves a lazy hello as we run. I grasp your hand and run harder.
I'm with you and that's all that matters.
Head strong to take on anyone.
To be with you is to be free.

My heart full of weight beats like a wet leaf moving in the wind.
Resisting but still moving.
When the rain comes it will be beaten down and lay still,
waiting for the sun to shine again.
It's only a matter of time til it beats a lighter beat, content to move where the wind takes it.
Only one thing it needs to soar,
and only one person who can give it.

Time slows, silent water bullets plunge down
Bullets of regret, shame and selfishness
Piercing air. Explosions release the pain
Quiet puddles. Mixture of water,salt and dirt
Forgiveness comes next. By God and self
Tears fall to the floor. So does regret and shame
Most of all unforgiveness falls. Whispering. Be free my child

First drops outside barely noticed. Second drops splash harder.
Door thrown open. Shoes fly off, bounce and roll on the floor.
Bare feet smack wood. Jump. Now dirt, now grass. Running.
Cool drops on skin turn to stings not felt. Arms raised.
Spinning. Jumping. Laughing.
18 years of life fade as she forgets the world.
Dancing to a song only heard in her head. Calm now. Rain stops.
Walk home splashing in puddles along the way. Hair askew, clothes dripping.
Smiling as the sun graces the world again. This is care free happiness.
To not think about troubles of life and to just enjoy life itself.