I see the pain
Has marked my face
I am nothing
If not a disgrace

The lines that I
Have long drawn
Make me tired
And so I yawn

I look at all this mess
There is no outcome
And so I guess

This is just how it is
Nothing else to this

But I hate that thought
That these relationships
Are simply for nought

I don't want to believe
That this is true
But that's how it seems
Judging by the view

But maybe the view is wrong
Maybe I need to look
For a little bit longer
And maybe the outlook will change

I long to be close
To a human soul
And have each other
Truly know

The inner workings
And the outer show
But instead in my heart
The distance will grow

I am unsure
If its worth the risk
I am not pure

Perhaps that is why
Everyone will fly
Away from me
When they see
Who I really am
And my life is a sham
I am not me
Or who I want to be
But i long to grow
And to show
The world all my work
To let them all look
What the demon took
And see how I went on
And continued living
But yet no one know
And so I am alone.

2 years ago today
2015
You were still in my life
I still saw you almost every day
I heard you when you were screaming
I smelt you when you reeked of alcohol
I came home and saw my mother
When she randomly had a black eye
I felt the sting
When you wouldn't talk to me for weeks
I was in the turmoil
Of not knowing
Wether or not I should say
The secrets I was keeping for everyone else
I was confused and so very alone
But that was all 2 years ago
I haven't heard from you
Not since my birthday
When you bothered to txt me
You actually got it right this year
July 21st
Not June 19th like you always said
But that was it
Just a text
Why does this all still bug me?
I want to get over it.
Most days I think I have,
But some days it still bugs me
And still makes me depressed
And I hate that I still let this all control me
Why is it right when I think I'm finally moving on?
Everything slaps me in the face and I feel stuck.
I don't want to bother anyone with this
I know it's unimportant
But days like today are when I wish I had a friend
Who didn't mind some venting about stuff like this
But none of my friends understand
I always think it's ironic when they vent about parent problems
Because they have no idea
What a real problem even is.

I wear black all the time
I just dyed my natural blonde
To a black so dark
It almost looks deep blue
I love the color black
Its has such beauty
That most people don't seem to see
They see black and think goth
Or they think emo
Or even just think it looks stupid
But I look at black
And see the way the light glances off of it
I see how extra shiny black surfaces look
I love how my black hair darkness my whole face
I love the tough look black things give you
I love the sophistication
Of an all black outfit
I see depth to the color black
And that's why I like it
Because there is more to it
Than what you see at first glance
Just like many people
You glance at who they are
And how they act
And you assume you see it all
But the villains story
Is often just a victims story
Left untold for far too long.

You are not your mother
And you are not your father.
Your life is your own
And the only sins
you should have to cary
Are the ones you commit.

People are fleeting
Facts are changeable
Truth is relative
Beauty isn't real
Love is non existent
It's all an array
Of various chemicals
Flowing through a mass of muscle
Creating different stimulants
That we have called emotions
But its pointless
Emotions are useless
All anyone truly cares about
Is stimulating
The proper chemical flow
That they long after
In that particular moment.
So why even try?

Why is sleep so hard to come by?
Why do I stay up so late?
Why is it at night, my thoughts turn to hate?
I want to sleep
My eyes are heavy
But I can't seem to except it
I can't seem to close my eyes
And I just don't understand why
Im always exhausted
So you would think I would live to sleep
And I do
But getting there is the problem
And often times
Staying there
Seem to be even harder.