we've been playing for months, yet
i am no longer the master of my own game.
i sit and wonder, "how did i get here?"
without ever truly questioning myself.
simply because i knew.
it is as though I am currently without a name.
considerably since "This" is no longer Me.
who I am, who That is,
                I am no longer certain.
I have simply become a replica of Its impression on Self.
      "tick tock, tick, tock."
the arrogance of time refuses to stop,
and "now" becomes a fleeting "then"
as My life slips through "Her"
into a dazed, drunken phase.
time only lingers in the present
for those who are truly Present.
Her time is lost, so what is My time
when the days blur together?
"Her" memory sanitized and wiped cleaned.
***** cleans wounds, right?
Dissociation to self,  the insouciant desire to care.
an erratic, chaotic, tumultuous torrential downpour.
I'm theatrical sure, but passionately so.
"Passion," i'll drink to that.
                   "Pain" has me pouring another,
                                                    and another.
"Reward me," and we'll cheers to the clear liquid that
warms my throat with each increasing gulp.
"Relax." you worked hard, take one or two.
              Six deep, Seven's the magic number,
                          plus, what's one more?

yet one will never be enough.    "sleep or shoot."
            
                            don't forget to swallow.
                            you know you love it.

stop saying no when You can say "yes,"
and stop holding back, when I'm telling You "NO."

                         stop fighting...
                                                ...su­ccumb to the misery.
  
 besides, just one pour will make it all better.

being with you always felt               right.
now that you’re gone, all I do is      write.

the place in my heart that made me feel                           whole
is now replaced with an unbearable, gut-wrenching       hole.

our love that once left me feeling sky                       high,
replaced with anxiety at the thought of saying       “hi.”

yet, the vast desire remains to be within your   presence.
i’m still sorry about your birthday                       presents.

time spent with you was the highlight of my          week;
the current lack there of makes my heart grow       weak.

your intensity left me teetering on my      heels.
oh, in due time I hope this                          heals.

i’d preach to the world how much i loved you    aloud,
at this point, is it even                                            allowed?

“you’re­ Benny’s girl!” was my favorite       compliment,
you, truly you, were my greatest                 complement.

we were Romeo and Juliet, our perfect            allusion,
therefore the idea of lasting was simply an      illusion.

it was fun, it was      new;
if only we                  knew.

when i was yours and you were                    here,
i'd avoid the warnings i didn’t want to        hear.

the signs were there, yet i would think       “no,”
because at the time i didn’t                           know.

we couldn’t quite hit the           brake,
consequently causing us to       break.

our love was karmic, one big          lesson.
i’m hoping in time the pain will     lessen.

there was a time i thought the world was     ours,
if only i knew that day would be our last     hours.

as i write this, and time has                        passed;
all i have left of you is memories of the       past.

my descent into Darkness;
i remember how beautiful It felt.
being swallowed into The Pitiful Abyss
until i was sealed underneath Its surface.
it was pure Bliss.
numbing my emotions,
Its darkness encapsulated my feelings,
keeping them buried out of sight.
falling   diving   sliding
              sinking.
the days grazed into nothingness.
the agony was gone.
It felt wonderful.
there were fires burning above the surface
but no longer were they felt by me,
only others.
It was a beautiful descent.
yet as i slowly began to lose my breath,
Its pain began to to pierce my lungs,
asphyxiating me by means of emotional strangulation.
my unbearable grief fired into my bloodstream,
the effects worse than ******, and without the pleasure.
It's flooding through my veins
as tears endlessly cascaded down my cheeks.
"How did I get here?"
the pain became unavoidable, unbearable.
but how can you become what you already are?
it was then when i realized:
i wasn't sinking into the Abyss,
i was drowning inside of It.

November 22, 2020:

"we were running down the cold, winter sidewalks slick with black ice, yet we confidently graced down its path. we were laughing so hard the neighbors could hear us. i felt like a kid. yelling back and forth to make up for the distance between us as i sped ahead of you. our noses were red, our breath was engulfing the air;
we were smiling as wide as our mouths would allow, and then some. we were happy. we were excited. we were falling in love; the kind of love that makes you forget about the rest of the world, if only for the moment.
time has passed, and our bliss has vanished into anguish, but to this day i can still feel the cold breath escape from our lips as you caught up to wrap me in your arms with a kiss, a warmth that held me safely through the night."

it was the frustration.
the frustration caused by
your arbitrary outbursts of anger,
whilst vomiting words of resentment and regret.
words that melted into my veins,
tarnishing my blood
with the ink that fueled my writers hand.

the dependency and obligations that i had to be yours,
and yours only.
the suffocation entrapped me
              (((inside of a cage)))
                       so small.
once i finally remembered,
"i could spread my wings."
i realized your latch couldn't hold me captive.

the salty tears that endlessly
stained my cheeks,
swelled my eyes,
and shortened my breath.
the emotions, the motions,
my body was speaking to me.
i was finally able to listen.

the intensity of emotions
without regard for
                           emotional intelligence.
it never made for a successful relationship,
but it sure as hell made for a good story.

our love ended at the cost of many cons,
but it came with a recipe for beautiful prose.

i wish we could meet one another all over again,
in a different place, a different time
with fresh feelings of love and anticipation,
stealing smiles that are only meant for the other.
i dream of seeing that smile again.
encapsulating your lips,
radiating curiosity and adornment.

i wish we could meet one another all over again.
i wish we could do it right this time.
i wish we could see our mistakes coming
before we allowed them to consume our minds,
betraying our hearts.
controlling our actions,
acting out in reaction.

i wish we could take back
the anger,     the frustration,     the hatred
that deeply imbedded itself into our souls.
souls once intertwined, reigned by love.

i wish we could meet one another all over again,
and fall in love without falling apart.

a feeling i once thought was lost,
is blooming in me
just as though i’m a flower in a spring.
reborn again,
loving myself again,
and again and again choosing me.
sprouting up from the seeds
and nurturing my needs.
as the grass starts growing
and there’s blooming in the trees.