I keep planning conversations in my head
About pointless things or serious things
Ideas and planning
I always end up talking to you
I play a movie in my head of the scenes that might happen with every move I make
I think about what I would say and do if I got married to you " **** them all we did it!"
Or the conversation I would have if I met your dad and I was telling him what I liked to do "well that's a tough question I have a lot of angles to me"
Or the tougher conversations
Like having the conversation about us being official " this would be easier if we were ACTUALLY dating"
Most of these conversations never work out as planned, they never say the right things to set up my whole internal monologue and relinquish it all at once in a rehearsed flood.
I care about having the conversation that I think most about
"Can you stop being so mean?" "Can you stop lying to me?" "Tell me how you feel" "what do you want from me?" "Why do you even like me?" "Why did you come back into my life?" "Why can't you tell me how much you love me all the time?" "Why don't you ever tell me you're sorry?"
But I never get an answer in my head or in my life
It's just another one-sided conversation that I will have in my head

I wanted to know even if you felt embarassed.
I wanted to know even if you lost composure.
I wanted to know you were sad.
But you muddled it out with anger and displacement.
And in the end I still want to know how you feel and let me tell you

Swallowing your pride rarely gives you indigestion

If only I could go back in time
And tell you what will happen
Tell you not to leave me
Then break me with your words
If only I could tell you
The reason behind the nameless tears
If only you would've known
That I would love you until forever
That I would always be there for you
That I was devoted to you
But I couldn't
And I was left being way too in love with you
And couldn't face rejection
That I listened to what you told me
Than what I told myself
That I found the reason why
For my highs and lows
But you still didn't want me then
And it was for the greater good

Sorry I couldnt break your heart or make you care like she could.

seeing your pretty face and your stupid grin, stopping and stuttering
i regret it
being paired up with you on a scene for theater and spending too much time laughing over your silly jokes
i regret it
feeling giddy and childish over the attention and appreciation showed for me
i regret it
feeling happy and embarrassed as you flaunted me in front of your friends
i regret it
feeling young and naive while we got more experienced
i regret it
thinking that i wouldve been with you forever
i regret it
missing you when youre right next to me
i regret it
thinking you were so much cooler than me and i was weird and it was special that you liked me
i regret it
i dont regret getting back in touch with you, starting something new
i dont regret wanting to be with you
i dont regret loving you
i dont regret thinking about changing my future so i can be with you
i dont regret setting boundaries to where i dont get hurt as much everyday
i love you and i will always want to be with you
and i dont want to regret that so dont make me

Protect my love and I
To bind our hearts together
To make it through each day
Hope the loves that's shared
Will last with us forever

Do you think about me as much as I think about you?
Oh that's right. You don't tell me how you feel.

As I was calling things you that weren't that hurtful such as ******* and ****,  I had realized I had used those far too often and had resorted to a plain "*******". I needed a new angle on the aspect of insults within boundaries. While my need to make you feel inferior raged on I look in the thesaurus to find alternatives to the words I have already used. Of course they didn't have ******* or **** with a list of synonyms. So I decided to look at plain "mean", as I was looking at the synynoms nothing really described what I wanted to put in your brain that you already knew. I glanced over at the antynoms and they were "compassionate, kind, nice, noble, sympathetic"

     An antynom to mean was sympathic
An antynom to mean is sympathetic
Sym pathetic
Sym.       Pathetic.
You are pathetic with your words to show compassion, kindness, niceness, and nobleness to me. ME. You are not a ******* or a *******, a deadbeat or a waste of space, immature or childish, selfish or conceded. You in fact lack the ability to be sympathetic towards me, not totally apathetic. But just unsympathetic to **** me the *******. And you do it so well.

I don't know if i can do this..                    what happened to you while you were gone...
                           tell me i make you cry
                                                                      tell me you get sad..
    you never get sad...                everything feels wrong now..
you never should have talked to me....
                                               I didn't notice her until you told me what she did
now I cant stop looking at her.                            checking if she has a black eye
                  thinking about what she did with you
                                                            it feels wrong so wrong
SO ******* WRONG
                                           you scared me
your withdrawal temperament                      selling your drugs that you use habitually        
doing the same thing as my dad when you see me crying and get angry
                   explosive rage like my dad                  letting me do drugs
digging a deeper hole
                                                I dont feel safe anymore
youre unpredictable now      
                                                                   i know who you are now
                                                             and im not sure I like it
if we have kids im afraid you will be my dad but worse
        
                                                                        youll be a raging drunk or addict
youll get me to be a raging drunk or addict
        
                                                 you wont protect me anymore
youll only protect me as much as I can protect you.

                                                              this is becoming toxic and i dont know what to do

no wonder she cheated on you for someone who beats her she had to still go down the reckless path you started her on



                                            you think youre cool, youre dangerous
id do everything you do if you asked and ruin my life for you, again

                                   youre the one that is crazy
you scare me, but i could never tell you that
                          
                                  i had a dream i cut my hair but I didnt tell you because you would like it too much.
        
                                  i was no longer perfect but you are forming me into being perfect.
    
                    i will be soulless in the end and im not sure if im ready for that.