i was there and i watched it happen
the clouds danced
to the rhythm of the music
and so did i
they were chromosomes
tightly coiled
into dreams
i was laughing
laughing, and smiling and they kept asking why
but the only valid answer was why not
and she was packing up the bowl
and the beat was bumpin'-
then something
a direct hit
ouch
glass all over me just to remind me how fragile i
am
woe

yes or no
stay or go
you can't stand on the fence
when you leave
if you leave
i'll put in my two cents
ill let you know
let you go
you'll never touch me again
you had your shot
i hope you rot
i never wanna see you again

we go together like drug habits
and dissociation
there are bruises lining the places
you told me lies
(between my thighs)
i'm writing in secret
i'm drinking too much
in secret
no one knows
i would listen to you sing in the car
and wish i could be honest
i'd wish i didn't have to lie
i'd wish i could just ask you to give me a cigarette
and i'm in the backseat when  i used to sit shotgun,
she's in the front seat
and he's got one hand in hers and the other
on the wheel
i'm looking up
to stop the tears from dropping
i don't even care
i don't,
get out leave me
alone

see me clinging to my joint like its
water
in the desert,
see this is my medicine
it puts a green tint
on my world
the life, i become
so conscious of the life
and the light

you took my hand
or maybe you didnt maybe
i was dreaming
sleepwalking
with fawns at my side,
my innocence
but you hit the fawns
with your car
in a church parking lot
skin on skin
tears on your stomach you asked
if i was crying
and i told you my eyes just water
when i choke
you said it was beautiful
you said
i
was beautiful
am i still?
you haven't called me baby since then
or returned my calls
i'm alright though i just hope you don't notice
the scars

you and me, under trees
shadows and leaves
ladybugs and gumdrop trails,
gingerbread houses
you whispered in my ear here;
surrounded by candy canes
we **** here
and we make love here
we drop tear
after tear
all the colors blend together
i-
drop my guard i guess, stop feeling
all the weight of the
cotton candy clouds
smoking licorice
but it was a lie
anyway

it was never supposed to happen this way
my mother always said
to make losing my virginity special
maybe this is good enough
i was trying to make you stay
and  just kept saying it,
kept saying "i love you"
and the silence, the car engine,
and your choice of music
really spoke to me.
(but mostly just the silence)
maybe we just weren't meant to be;
but i'm mad about it so i'll
set fire to myself
and tell you to look at what you've created

i stay awake all night and
through most of the daylight
i have been losing track of time
and i don't care
this is how i like it
i don't ever want to
feel too late again
i never want to look at the clock
when it says 11:12,
i want to stop hearing
"did you see that shooting star?"
when i missed it
i want to bury
every single "almost"
with every single suicide letter
that i just put away when i couldn't seem to
bleed enough
almost, almost
i could've been something
i don't want
to think about it

your intentions were always the color of those bloodshot
blue eyes
and i know baby,
i know you're sorry
you don't have to say it
almost like
it might've made me stop bleeding
this scarlet
and i used to hate
the ruby feeling in my chest,
this burning ache
this fire
but here lately when the sun goes down,
i start to like the way it hurts
when the sun leaves
i meet you in the night time i dont
think i've ever seen your eyes in the light
or maybe-
i guess maybe the moonlight
and those crimson eyes,
they shined
and i watched i couldnt look away i guess
maybe i sound like i havent been getting much
sleep- i havent
been listening to anyone lately
they tell me to just let it go, and for some
reason it just sounds like they're asking me to jump
right into your red wine lies