“We” are becoming a game

A game of Hide my feelings
And Seek your touch

A game of Memory
While you memorize my curves
I memorize the curves of your smile

A game of ring around the truth
and let the thought of being together fall right down
my cheek as I cry from your words of
Guess Who doesn't love you

“We” have become that Puzzle
With the pieces that all look the same
And I’m not sure if our pieces fit together

One of those puzzles with the pieces that look like they’ll fit
But you won’t know for sure till you finish
But you aren’t sure you want to try hard enough to find out

A game where you Chute me that look
And I start to climb the Ladder
Even though I know I’m gonna have to slide back down eventually

A game where I constantly think about the sweet Candy that is you
and Land right back into reality
Knowing you’ll never get the Clue
And I’ll be the one who is Sorry
Even though I should have known you were Trouble all along

I’m starting to learn that this is Life
And the War with myself isn’t worth it
It isn’t worth
feeling like the Paper
While you are the Scissors
when really we are both stuck under this Rock

We just keep calling for Red Rover
to send sanity right over our way
so we can finally figure out the Monopoly of
Forged seduction

I’ll just continue to Go Fishing for the words
to unlock our mystery
so we can finally Connect
our Four arms together

‘We” are becoming a game
Where we are constantly Tagging
each other to be the one to say It first

A game where feelings are Cooties
and we have to Circle our brains
to find the Spot
Where we find out if we even have a Shot

You’ll just keep making me Tick
While I try to find a way
to Tack a label
Toe how I feel

Until I realise this is just Child's Play

Forget for a moment
Forget the world around you
Forget the pain that you have felt
Forget that you are leaving

Remember for a moment
Remember the hope around you
Remember the love that you have felt
Remember you are here

Forgetting the bad and remember in the good is difficult
I know
But do it for me.

Forget for a moment
Forget what holds you back
Forget your fears
Forget that you are leaving

Remember for a moment
Remember what sets you free
Remember your dreams
Remember you are here

Forgetting the bad and remembering the good is difficult
I know
But do it for me

I'm stuck between wanting love while having romance

Living the dream while dreaming about life

Cuddling against your warm body

With a smile

Knowing it was just *** for you

While wishing I could say the same

I'm stuck between I hate this while I want this

Hating your disposition while loving your confliction

Of whether our pain is worth the sensation

Or if the seduction is worth the loss

Of not knowing

If it could one day

Be way more than

"Just ***"

I just want to live in Today

Without wondering about Tomorrow

Even though Yesterday you reminded me again

And Today you reminded me again

And Tomorrow you'll remind me again

Stop it!

I know!

I know you're leaving

I know you aren't coming back

Just let me have right now

Let me savor in what it feels like to be in love

Let me worry about the pain Tomorrow

I know there will never be an "us"

But what scares me more

Is losing you entirely

I can handle Tomorrow when it comes

Please just let me have today

******
A word I have heard a thousand times
A thousand different ways
But has always sounded the same,
Like ignorance

A word that has never left me feeling worthless
Or unloved
Just misunderstood

Even when followed by being thrown into the bathroom stall of a Girl's gym  locker room
Or by the few friends I had left helping me clean up my battered face and the hide the bruises

I have always been proud of the term ****** because even though it was said to be offensive
I was being acknowledged as me

But when the word was spilled by the woman who once rocked me to sleep till I was no longer scared
The woman who has always protected me
It was then that all the pain I ever should have felt
Took a hold of my heart and ran it up to my throat until the pain leaked from my eyes
I was angry
I was sad
And I was scared
Because I knew that word was always followed by violence
And I didn't think that I would be able to walk with my head held high from this one
My face turned red and my blood turned cold and I watched my father defend me
Finally I stopped him and I looked at her
And I said yes, but I'm your ******

My brain is confused
My brain is confused
My brain is confused

My brain is a broken record
Repeating things until I comprehend

I lost my favorite sweater
Man that was my favorite sweater
God ****** that was my favorite sweater

This is where I tear apart my room
This is where I throw things
This is where I start to yell
This is where I cry
And cry
And cry
I am so ******* stupid its just a sweater
This is where I move on

My brain is confused
I look at life like it's a movie
I don't need to worry about school
My degree will just happen
Love will just happen
Life will just happen
Then I freak out when I remember my life isn't scripted

My brain is confused
I'm happy that I'm sad
But I'm angry
about being happy that I'm sad

I cry when I'm happy
I cry when I'm sad
I cry when I'm angry
My brain is confused

Nobody loves me
But I have a friend who will hold me till I can breathe again
And I have a friend who will talk me down from suicide... Again.
And I have a nephew who thinks  I'm his world
And I have a father who gives me money for food
Even though I haven't asked for his care for over a year
But nobody loves me
My brain is confused

I don't remember last year
I don't remember last night
But I feel like I remember tomorrow
My brain is confused

My vision is blurry
But I can see my thoughts
With open eyes
They stand in front of me
They talk to me when I'm lonely
And I know they aren't real
But my brain is confused

I want to dance all night
Even when I'm stuck sitting up in bed
So my mind races
Batman
Cookies
Unicorns
I want my teddy bear
I want a hug
I want love
Now I'm sad
Now I'm scared
Now I can't breathe
I need to move
Its 2 am but I need to move
I need to move
I can't
I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I'm shaking
I'm trembling
I'm convulsing
But I'm moving
I'm moving
I can breathe
I can breathe
I sleep

I wake up at noon
Tired
Exhausted
Zombie
I don't want to move
I don't want to move
It 4 pm and I still haven't ate
Its getting dark and I still haven't moved
Now its 2 am and
My mind races and
I need to move
And I rinse
And repeat till I comprehend
But I won't comprehend
Because my brain is confused
My brain is confused
My brain is confused

Soft lips kiss my soul
As a tender voice spells out love
She doesn't know what she does

Bright eyes to match her light heart
Too big for such a precious body

A laugh that can melt
The coldest of hearts
A smile that can brighten
The darkest of days

when she sings
The song birds listen with envy
Everything about her
makes my heart flutter
The butterflies in my stomach
Reach for her
Begging for and glimpse
At her imperfections
Because even her imperfections are perfect
Because they are her's

I wonder why she does this to me
Why she lies in my head
Gazing at the falling stars
Making me wish for her
But she doesn't know what she does

There are things I never told you

Like how I loved the way wrinkles formed
Around your mouth and next to your eyes
When you smiled

Or how I would pretend
To fall asleep in your arms
So you had to hold me
Just a little longer

How your voice
Made my soul shine
As you sang folk songs while you cooked

Or how it would soothe my fears
As you read to me.

There are things I never told you

Like how your stories always bore me
But I would listen anyway
Because I could see how happy it made you

Or how I hate that you will never see me marry

Or how I loved the way you would adjust how you were sitting

Or the tiredness in your voice
Early in the morning

There are things I will never get to tell you

Like how while you were sick
I didn't want to help you
Not because I didn't care
But because it wasnt you

Or how I still hear your voice
whenever I read anything

Or how when I saw you that last night
I wanted you to hug me back
I wanted you to hold me
Like you used to
So I could pretend to fall asleep
So you had to hold me
Just a little bit longer

How I still see you in my dreams
And every time I'm happy
I can feel you patting me on my back

Or every time I cry
I can hear you telling to put my chin up
'Cause crying is useless

There are things I will never get to tell you

Like how I will never love anyone
As much as I loved you

Your eyes had this special power
They would melt me
To the point of no return
They would send me to an unknown place
A place I had learned to love

A place where I could sleep at night
With your arms wrapped tightly around me
You'd whisper sweet nothings in my ear
And Kiss my lips
Soft
Gentlest

Come day we would still be together
With your hand wrested on my hip
My arms held you close
As we breathed each other in

This place I never wanted to leave
For with you
Is where I wished to stay

Fast forward
To the day that changed for you
The day you left me bleeding
With my bruised face
Fractured heart
And shattered pride

You came to me while I was still a girl
But you left me there a broken woman

I didn’t want you to touch me
I was a tease

I didn’t want to feel what you made me feel
I was a *****

It was all my fault
Right?

No.

I know now what YOU did
I know now that YOU are the monster

You told me I was a coward
But I am strong

I was afraid for my life

But, you sir, are the coward
Who is afraid to live.

Your arms seem almost familiar
A warm hold around my heart
A utopia between your sheets
As I curl up onto your chest
Your warmth resonates upon my face
I could stay there forever
Basking in your cologne
A smell I have since missed

I find comfort in your name
Knowing you are always there
Ready to take away my pain
And lull away my worry
It’s been this way for years
But I know I can’t stay
For you will never see me as I see you
You will never long for my company
Or find solace in my gaze
You will never crave my touch
You will never love me

I want so badly not to love you
So I may hold onto you a little longer
But the comfort of your name begins to fade
Bringing sorrow and yearning for a love
That will never be returned
And for that I must go
For as long as I have you
I fear I can never love another

Just another night where I'm alone in the crowded room
And you save my ***
Another night that I get to lay next to you
Wondering if you are staring back at me because there are feelings
Or because I'm happily playing along with your game
Because sometimes when you say "I love you...
.... like a friend of course"
I wonder if that look in your eyes is a trick
Or are you really looking guilty right now?
Why when we joke about what it would be like if we dated
You all of a sudden have something very interesting on your phone
Why you avoid eye contact in public
As if you are afraid of someone assuming the wrong thing
Like god forbid you have feelings for someone
I get your "bad boy" image wasn't easy to come across
and trust me it's not going anywhere
I just want to know why I try so hard for you to know I care
yet you make caring look so **** easy
how I carefully articulate the perfect sentence
and you reply with the sweetest
most simple
"relax ***"
As if you really can tell how I'm falling apart
but yet I know you don't see any of it
Because if you knew this
If you saw the confusion I go through
every ******* time you say or do something romantic
I know **** well you wouldn't keep doing it
the only sticky situation you want to get caught up in doesn't involve feelings
at least it shouldn't
yet you kiss me like you need me to breathe
and I have caught you looking at me with a sweet sadness in your eyes that couldn't be mistaken
So I'm gonna ask you one more time
be honest
How in ***** sake do you feel about me?

I have never been very good at this
I have never been good at
Trusting

Pull my hair
Kiss me again

You aren't in love with me
But you love the way I feel
At night
Our sweat clinging to our foreheads

I want to just gaze in your eyes
And watch them twinkle
While I make you feel
Good
About yourself

About your smile
And about your laugh
About your whispers
And gentle caresses

Your the one who stays up with me
Even though we both
needed to be asleep hours ago

The one who dances with me
when I'm not feeling like breathing
And makes me remember how to live

You aren't in love with me
But you love how I feel
With my lips on your neck
And your hands on my hips
As our bodies move

I want to hold your hand
While you struggle through life
And pat you on your back
When you make it out alive

I never want to lose you

I never want to lose
The feeling of your smile
As you try to kiss me

Or your hands
guiding me through the motions

No, you aren't in love with me
But I know you love me