be tender with
whispered "i love yous"
be gentle with
promises of forever
use these words carefully
weave them slowly into your vocabulary
for they are the promises that hurt the most
when they are broken

i've found heaven
stumbled upon it accidentally
more than a time or two
swirled in different hues of blue
hidden within a timid smile
tucked into the words of my favorite song
i've found it within the hearts of strangers
the ones who hand me things from the top shelf
the ones who go out of their way to paint a smile on my face
i've found it buried in the hazel eyes of my lover
in his generosity that knows no bounds
in his warms hands and gentle embrace
stitched into his ever so caring heart
i've found it in family
blood and not blood
in their unconditional love
in their way of always making me feel wanted
heaven is right there
it's within arms reach
a golden sheen just waiting to be seen
defog your tired eyes and begin to really see
see the beauty in everyday things
the little things
sometimes i think we forget
heaven isn't that far away

for 8 years i have been wrapped up in him
memorizing every part of him
the way you memorize
the lyrics to your favorite song
but despite sharing a bed
and falling into each other every night
i don't think he knows me
not really

he doesn't understand why i bite the insides of my cheeks
or pick my fingers ******
i haven't introduced him to the demons resting on my chest
or the skeletons in my closet
he hasn't had midnight conversations with the monsters in my head
never truly seeing all of the bad
the hurt
the confused
maybe it's time he danced with the things haunting me
took a look into the book that is me
i think it's time he knows me
really knows me

you're like a dog
running back to its owner
the owner who first abandoned it
back to the owner who abused it
having loyalty to all the wrong things
faith in all the wrong places
love for all the things that hurt them

you don't want her to consume your thoughts
to fill your dreams, your nightmares
so instead, you make her your muse
you write about her in messy blue ink
you let her come back to life on the paper in front of you
just to see her dance one more time

you are like a dog
loyal to all of the things that hurt you

what is happy?
who is she?
we haven't spoken in awhile
it seems as if
we live on opposite sides of the world
for she no longer lives within my soul
she no longer dances on my lips
or on the different hues of blue
that live within my eyes
where has she gone?
i miss her so,
i desperately want her back
to kiss my swollen heart
and stop the bleeding

you and i
we will never see each other again
there won't be shared smiles
an awkward hello
or an awkward goodbye
you,
you were a part of my past
a necessary part
a good part
a painful part
and in the moments
you held my heart in your hands
you were exactly what i needed most

you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself