you claim i am unkind
swearing it by the dullness of my eyes
the sharpness of my tongue
the coldness of my hands

you swore it by the way i lunged
at anything that threatened me
anything that would protrude the barrier
i had built around myself

but where were you
when my eyes were
their bright blue hue
when my tongue wasn’t sharp
but soft and sweet
and i didn’t flinch
at the harshness of others

where were you
before the world got to me
and made me cold
where were you
when i warmed myself back up
finding everything light in the world
learning to love again

you claim i am unkind
which is fine
nobody is nice all of the time
but you only saw one moment
you didn’t see yesterday
you didn’t see tomorrow
you saw me battling the darkness
when i let the rotting, define me

where were you
when i stopped
letting the world define, me
and i began to define myself

and when you pressed your lips against mine
i swear i could taste every color in the sky

four walls surround me
my things rest on shelves
and within dresser drawers
my name is etched into the pillows
claw marks on the mattress
clothing littering the floor
specks of my dna live here
it’s been
398 days
10 hours
42 minutes
and 36 seconds
since i unpacked
and still it doesn’t feel like home
my things surrounding me
but they don’t feel like mine
the walls sigh my name
but it doesn’t sound like my name
i am a stranger in this place
a place that is supposed to feel safe
a place where i am supposed to live freely
happily
i long so desperately for a space
where i don’t solely reside within my bedroom
trapped in the confines of my bed
a space where i don’t step quietly
not wanting too much of me to be seen
a space where i can sing and dance freely
where i can etch my truth into the walls
and talk to the skeletons in my closet
a space where i don’t feel my breath is limited
careful you don’t say the wrong thing
because the walls may collapse
because the streets may become all you know
i just want a space of my own
a space where the walls sigh my name
and i can say “yes baby, i’m home”

your heart is as dark as the color of your eyes
a black hole hidden within a person
sending lovers tumbling and tumbling
constantly falling
but never reaching an end
never reaching security
the toxicity of your love is tragic
and yet you do not know it
ink seeping from your teeth
poison words
lethal lullabies
a siren singing her seductive song
she paints herself a pretty picture
luring you into the vortex of her heart
a black-eyed beauty
waiting for her chance to shatter you
to make you fall
like stars from the night sky

vengeful is she
who had her heart broken
who heard your lies softly spoken
vengeful is she
whose eyes are locked on your gaze
who has ink dripping from her teeth
for poetry is her weapon
and that swollen tongue of yours
is just another page in her journal
for every lie told
she carves a truth into the back of your throat
cramming each page further and further
until you choke on your lies
until you swallow your truths whole

i would love to meet the girl
whose hands you worship
even after they broke you
cracking you into two
leaving you black and blue
the girl whose name
didn’t leave your tongue for weeks
mumbling it in your sleep
everlasting in the diary of your mind
oh how beautiful she must have been
to have you praising her
as if she were a god
sitting on your knees
worshipping her at her feet
even after she broke your heart in two
and oh how i wish i could meet her
to finally see the hands you craved
the one’s in which you loved to fall apart

i am chipped nail polish
and shaky hands
i am a yellow marker ran over black ink
a little tainted, but still lively
i am both the highest point on a mountain
and buried deep in the depths of the ocean
i am my own ocean
feeling the slightest ripple
every breath taken
every noise made
creating tidal waves out of nothing
i am a warrior
one who couldn’t hurt a fly
but battles depression within the night
and is constantly fighting anxiety hands on
i am meant to wander
bare feet on freshly cut grass
wildflowers scattered through a field
driving with the windows down
i don’t belong
my blue eyes are stuck on the sky
wondering what its like to be cool
to not constantly stumble over simple words
to have people be curious
about the words slipping through my teeth
to be desirable
what one’s looking for
to not be looked at weirdly for getting excited over
everything
poetry, art, daydreams, cute girls and cute boys
you see, i am simpler times
unsure times, messy times, good times
i am a part of time
and yet, i am afraid of being forgotten
fearful that people who meant most to me
won’t remember the colors of my eyes
or the vision i had for my life
my words meaning nothing
i just want to be a part of something
i am a part of something
a small speck among the sea of stars
i am there and i am shining
i am slowly leaving my mark
i am more than i give myself credit for
i am me, i am special
i am fuzzy blankets and daydreams
i am nightmares and tired eyes
i am everything and nothing all at once
i am me
a mess of a girl with eyes far too wide
trusting too much and saying too little
and above all else
i am loved