I listened to my younger brother
on the phone.
He told me
a friend had killed himself
shotgun under chin.
There was an open casket at the funeral.
They'd patched him back together
as best they could
but
some things you just can't fix.
My brother said he looked like an alien
foreign
misshapen.
Without thinking I responded
"You're at the age now brother
where people will start dropping like flies
for no good reason
and you'll have to learn to deal with it."
My brother is nineteen.
What is wrong with a world
in which that statement
is the truth?

i wish you stayed
i wish you didn't push me away
but you did
and i eventually gave up on trying
trying to make you happy
trying to make you forget
i gave up on us
but you? you didn't even think about us

A.C.

Me
I quickly tap my screen to respond to your message
"I'm absolute garbage and I love you."

You
Your fingers softly brush against the keys as you type out your reply,
"You're absolutely beautiful garbage and I love you more."

Me
I thought that things would be different with you; you were so much more compassionate
"I think I'm in love with you."

You
You hesitate as you read my message, unaware of the stars that were forming in my mind at the mere thought of you
"I'm not in love with you."

Me
I read the message with my brimming eyes and soon enough, I hear the explosions in my ear of the galaxies that once formed when you told me I was an unexplainable force of nature that everyone was wary of.
I also hear the slow thudding of my heart in my ears before everything fades away and becomes numb.

You*
You sit there, quiet and in deep thought
You heard the planets imploding all the way from your bedroom
But all you did was shrug, shake your head and turn up your music.

I'm not one for small talk
because if we're being honest no one really cares
about how you're doing and are just asking to be polite.
But you knew that.
I'm not a fan of being the center of attention
even though I often have the desire to be held and feel wanted
because I'm constantly working on my self-confidence.
But you knew that.
I don't like the dark
because it envelopes me when I can't sleep
and I go over that night when he left and you remained the one person
I could count on.
But you know that.
Five years ago there weren't empty words
we both cared more about the other than ourselves,
we smiled so much our faces hurt.
Looking up at the stars knowing I never had to be alone in the darkness
that surrounded me.
You'll never know how much all that meant
to me; how you loved me unconditionally.
But I have a secret that was never shared. I regret
walking away. I never stopped loving you.
And now you know that too.

Leave me alone in this hopeless world
You can't make diamonds out of pearls
I'm never second best, not first, just dead last
Buying my time that slowly passes away
Don't look at me, I failed you in everything
Breaking what meant the most while people just laughed
All you failed at floats to the top
Showing your weakness and your fault
Give me some hope that I can do something right
Not that all I can do is waste my life
Pollute time and air like I'm the reason it's all going to hell
Waste of skin, of flesh and bone
This empty shell that's all I've known
The closest thing to a real home I've had
Show me a reason to stay in this place
Something that's not easily thrown away
That's all I ask, a reason to live
Something real to hold on to
Someone to accept me for what people reject
An open door to welcome what's left
Where I stand all the doors are closed
This is the view I'm always shown
An outsider looking in
A window, tinted and deformed
From your twisted view of the world
Unlock the door, open up
Show me one person cares enough
To let an outcast be cast in for once
Before the world is completely undone
Give me something I won't forget
Before I'm completely forgotten.

and I'm not
going to
say it
to you,
so I'll just
say it
here instead

I'm still recognizing
your lies
three months later,
and it hurts
it really hurts.

You didn't see this coming, did you?
You couldn't handle it when you saw me crying and heard me mumbling about how I've been wishing for death to find me and rock me to sleep. But that doesn't mean that you can control me... You're feeling like you've failed me. You're wondering what it is you've done that could possibly make me want to disappear forever, you've done nothing worth mentioning so don't worry, you're in the clear.