@EasedBlueSivan

How do I tell you
that you are not a dying sunshine,
but you are the sunset?

How do I tell you
that the sunset paints not only the skies,
but also smiles on my face?

How do I tell the sunset
that she is the freedom of the night -

And because of her,
you see stars,
The shiniest one, Mommy;
The one blinking at you, Daddy.

This thunder
reminds me of the old times
when I would climb into your bed in fear.

I sleep alone now,
for the same thunder  
is now the lullaby
you sing for me
from heaven.

Like the sunset
On a rainy day

You are missing

How is it
that one person can be both
the sunset that never came
and
the sun that set too soon?

My father was a man of a few words. You could always see him around, but he rarely spoke. There are days he would just say 10 words to me & some other days none. Now that he is gone, his silence stays. And it’s deafening.

Your toothbrush next to mine, your shoes on the rack, your favourite mug & your pyjamas that I now can’t go to sleep without. Everything makes me feel like you’re here with me.

You know how the sunlight gives the pond beautiful algae, but the same algae leaves fishes breathless? Likewise, I feel so suffocated by your presence.

Every single thing only serves to remind me of your absence. I realise then, that I’m alone in this place. I am without a father. I’m crippled and incomplete and I’m alone and I’m without you.

You're gone,
but I am still comforted
by your warmth.

You're gone,
but I am still safe;
for you have taught me,
how to find refuge
                                 in myself.

Your death,
is almost a dream,
feels just like old times.

In this dream,
I am your baby.
I count to ten;
Smiling with pride that I learned to count,
You go into hiding.

But in this game of
hide-and-seek,
you never come out of the dark.

And I can’t wake up.
I keep counting-
& I realise,
the day I stop counting,
is the day I go into hiding.

I will see you then.