This is to tell my mother
that her husband has died,
but he is not gone;

For I am here
and I am the last
breathing, bleeding &
living fragment of my father.
If he has left anything behind,
it is himself,
& that- is me.

My heart,
I protected
with stones and bricks.

You
brought the hammer,    
broke my walls;
Ah, the joys of feeling again.

And then you left.

Found concrete in your tool shed
& now
I am building a wall again;
                                               this time stronger!

I sit in here, safe.
Then I realize,
you weren't in my walls;
                           you lived under my skin
                           in my veins &
                           I am you,
                           for I am your daughter.

And as long as I live,
I can't run away --
For even my blood
                                 is yours.

Losing you felt like losing
                                   all my limbs.

It was all Greek to me
I did not know how to use my legs -
continue walking this entire life,
with the knowledge that you
will never again—
not ever, ever—
tell me that you will pick me up
                                    when I fall.

You are the anchor;
That holds me in place.
You are also the anchor
That pulls me down.

They say
there is sunshine
after a dark cloud passes.

You’re gone and I’m still
                                         here
You are my sunshine
and it’s getting dark because
                              I’m still
                                         here

And I close my eyes,
Because in complete darkness
I see light
                I see you.

I no longer long for home
For I have come
To the bitter realisation
that you make our house-

a home.

Home is feeling.

I can only feel homesick,
Run my fingers through -
The walls you painted,
Walk through -
The garden you planted,
And find the last pieces of you-
From the scent of your unwashed shirts.

I feel homesick-
                         For you.

For you are where my heart is.

Smoking,
so attractive.

Exactly like death.

They all -
correlate cigarettes and death
like it's a bad thing

When it really just
chokes for a while,

But the aftermath of both,
is beautiful.

I could have to run up
25 flights of stairs .

And I still
Would only
Be

Catching feelings .