I don't prefer music of this generation
The kind that only talks about getting a girl home
Having one night of intense stranger-***
And then what?
What do you say when you are done?
How long do you hold her
Before your arm falls asleep and she almost kicks you off the bed?
Do you give her cab money in the morning?
Do you call her when she gets home?
Those are the problems that those songs don't address

Music used to mean so much more
It was the kind about real love
Real love that you lost
Maybe that's why I like it so much
Because I could listen to it
And actually relate
Instead of imagining myself at a club
With intense music
Where an insanely attractive, yet toxic man walks up to me
And asks if I want to go home with him
What would I say?
"Uh, sir, I can't go home with you until you tell me your credit score..."
Or "Let's make like a fetus and head out..."
No, I'm too socially awkward for this
I can't separate physical attraction and emotions
I'm not good at *** with strangers
Perhaps because I know the dangers of strangers
Or maybe because I know the potential dangers of ***

I listen to the seventies and eighties
That is the age of Billy Joel, ELO, and Fleetwood Mac
The ones that actually loved

I saw a shooting star tonight
And thought of wishing for you
When I looked over beside me
And saw him smiling my way

I thought about my life
In that split second that it passed
The tail burning brightly
In the dark night sky

And I wouldn't change a thing
Not a broken heart
Not a minute wasted
Not a moment regretted

Because I am happy
With how my life is
Just the way it is
So I closed my eyes tightly
Knowing already, I got my wish

She is of the water
Of some ungrounded, unexplored region
She is something that could slip right through your fingers
You can see it in her clear blue eyes

He is of nature
Unmoving, unchanging, and strong
He is something that could last forever
You can see it in his hazel eyes

Yet, she is a girl raised in the mountains
And he, raised by ocean tides
Perhaps what first gravitated them toward each other
Lived far within their eyes

I don't know how much more I can take
You complaining of your body's pain and its aches
You are in agony every day, you say
But you still do nothing, no nothing will change

I can't be your mother
I'm only your lover
The one who is there
When you don't have another

But you're killing me
With the pain you won't resolve
You said you've tried
But I still say go on

Go search for a doctor
Go on till you find
The medicine that will help you
It is worth the time

I can't be your pills
I can't help your pain
I can't make you change
You'll still stay the same

You'll only change
If you want to be
Another version of yourself
Then you'll be free

I can't take this much longer
Screaming when it is no use
Its not my body
It's yours, so you choose

But know I can't cope
With seeing you stagnant
So change or don't
But don't complain about it

I almost threw up when I saw her
Holding lightly to your arm
I could feel my heart
Rise up in my throat

When I remembered
You aren't mine.

I have no claim over you
You are not mine to love
If you really loved me
You would be here
And if I really loved you
I would be with you

But here we are
Not loving each other

With other people
Living lives separate from our designs
Perhaps this is how it has always meant to be
Perfect predestined love can't be predesigned
By humans with so many fatal flaws

There is never a house
There is never a home
There is never a life
For a man on the road

The show highs are so high
And the show lows are so low
But they'll always be
For a man on the road

Hotel rooms are lonely
Nights spent while you roam
They never feel *****
To a man on the road

The women are there
They come, but they go
How can they truly love
A man on the road?

I once wanted to follow one
Who carried life's load
But there was no room for me
With my man on the road

My love will remain what it is
While he roams and he roams
He'll carry it with him
My man on the road

I love you in the way when the darkness falls
And we're both laying there without a sound
I can feel comfortable drifting away to sleep
With our legs intertwined, arms in uncomfortable positions, my lips barely touching your neck, your fingertips outlining the curvatures of my face
I look for the words to not say to disturb this ounce of a scrapbook moment that is placed right within our grasp
I know that when I wake up in the morning you'll be gone
Yet, I still dream of falling asleep while you're there

If you love someone so much
That you would cross an ocean for them
*What does it matter
If all your bridges have been burned?

I know this one
Whom I admire
For the way love has
Set his heart afire

He burns himself
In his midnight oil
Love's cruel game
Leaves him to toil

Tossing and turning
In the midnight seas
If only she could
See what he sees

If only he were to
Again feel her touch
If only she knew
If she cared that much

But here he sits
Not drifting to sleep
Knowing in his heart
The secrets he keeps

His love is so tangible
It is so real
That even an outsider
Can feel what he feels

The pain on the inside
The pain on the out
Is because it is her
He can't live without

The way I look at you two
Is like a sweet syrupy luster
That coats and envelops you both
Like a dream of only the most divine

My heart bursts with how I feel
For both of you
And I can't quite articulate how I feel
Out loud without breaking into tears

I know already of the missing I will do:
I will miss you both
I will miss living here
I will miss you asking me if I'm going to bed soon
When I am staying up late doing homework
I will miss car rides talking
I will miss laughing with you
I will miss being close to you
I will miss crude humor
I will miss piano lessons
I will miss home cooked dinners
I will miss sitting on your bed at three in the morning asking advice
I will miss your laugh that resonates throughout a room
I will miss his smile
I will miss his stubborn ways of tying railroad spikes to everything
To keep them in place
I will miss the "Do you need a rides?"
The "Is there anything I can do to help?"'s
I will miss the way you make me feel better
Even after the worst day of my life
I will miss the bond we share

And even though you will only be a phone call away
I will miss *us

A wise man once told me:
"All relationships have their life span"
We can't force a time period on them
They are guided only by fate's hand

Ours lived and died in its time
When I wanted it to live on forever
I wanted to conquer life with you
I wanted to face it together

Fate decided ours in its time
And I can say that I never knew
And after all of this time only I can say
That, honestly, I think of you

It's not that you consume my thoughts
I am still happy on any given day
But I see you even though it appears that I don't
And I instinctively look the other way

I can't face you directly
So, instead, I just look at my shoes
Although everyone has repeatedly said
To not care at all about you

But some part of me wonders
If you hear me thinking out loud
And if you still look onward
To see my face in a crowd

I stood there
Costume still on
Flowers in hand
Excited to see you after my performance

Right as we met, you metaphorically slapped me in the face
With the words you said
With the way you spat them out at me
While I just stood there
Too dumbfounded to move

Then you left
You just walked away and left me there
I didn't move, for what felt like a very long time
Then I numbly stumbled towards the door

I pushed my way outside
And there you were
Walking away in the rain

I sputtered out sentence fragments trying to figure out
What exactly did I mean?
You turned around and told me how terrible it was
Seeing me with him on stage
How it made you angry and upset

I couldn't take you yelling at me
I started to lightly sob
Then it started to pour
The red lipstick smeared over your white jacket
Matched my firey eyes

I only see your shoes at first
Then I look up to witness all of you
You overpower me with your presence
Just standing there, waiting

You waited for me at my place
On a bridge on the Susquehanna
That flimsy little bridge
That rocked us to and fro

The bridge started to sway
In the tumultuous winds
I said I was scared
But you did not ever go

You shocked me on that bridge
Our moment on the Susquehanna
Because you held me in that moment
Like you'd never let me go

You looked at me and said
"I just want you to always know..."
On our bridge on the Susquehanna
That rocked us to and fro

But after, you left
Without me knowing what I should know
And now I'm here on the Susquehanna
Trying hard to let you go

You tell me you love her
And it sounds like she does too
But nights outside with bonfires
Show how she thinks of you

For the past months spent together
You have grown closer than
You have ever had another
You have grown past being friends

Your heart aches when her lips
Touch that despicable bottle
And she stumbles around in its haze
But even then she is a model

She will be better in the morning
A little hungover, though, it's true
And when she is done loving him
She will realize she loves you

I know you are willing
Willing to give me your world
To hand over something profound

I know you would follow me
Wherever I chose to go
If only I chose to let you

If you follow, I'll resent you
If you stay, I'll miss you
But if we were not, I can't say what

In your eyes, I am me
And in mine, I am too
However, your gift gives too much

I'm afraid of taking more than I should
Even though you claim I own it all
I stuck my claim and you won't say no

Don't credit me for more than I'm worth
Don't mistake me for something I'm not
Don't ask me to change the unchangeable

If the world keeps turning longer than our souls keep burning
Perhaps we can't change the tides
With something that can't even change our minds

Do you agree with me when I propose
Perhaps we did this whole love thing wrong?
Have we done what we said we never would?
Is it just me, or did we?

Did we forget certain promises we made
Pinkie swears with fingers crossed behind backs
Oaths written in blood were just red pen
And now we meet our crossroads

We turned left when the sign read right
We disregarded the map to follow our own devices
Lust swayed us to and fro in moral crises
But yet I loved you so

Fingers wrung with selfish grief, in all our disbelief
We stop and stared as if to ask what is next
But both our minds went blank
So we paused aimlessly

What is next, what is next?
Pacing, racing, pounding chest
Do we leave? I do believe
I can’t see a you without a me

We just fell through, I’ve now come to
The smelling salts have done the done
And now I see, we’re not we
And I can see you’re not the one

Now we’re here, and I do fear
I still feel what lies beneath my shell
My heart beats for you, but I say adieu
Because I still have to love myself

I just want to hold on to today
Grasp it in my hands
Savor each moment as it passes
At least while I can

I look around my house
And think I won't be here
Come a year and I'll be gone
It makes me shed a tear

I love these walls
The memories they hold
The laughs and moments they have witnessed
That lies beneath crown mold

I want to live in now
Before it slips away
Because not too far from now
I'll be remembering today

There is nothing between us anymore
Not even those three yards of cold linoleum
As we walked on opposite sides of the hall
The distance has dispersed and now our silence exists there alone
Not even mused by a dream of further endeavors
There is a dead end plopped betwixt us
I cannot raise my glare to meet yours because I know
Somewhere, deep in my heart
There is nothing there for me anymore

*How can a flame sparked in the damp
Ever survive without being tramped?

Just,             
                    Do
        Because      what
You             in               you  
        live         the               want
             with        end
                    your
                          own
                                    **Decisions

You my golden girl
The one I idolize
With golden hair abundant
And capturing indigo eyes

I run to you at any time of day
Even at three in the morning
You will sit up in bed and talk to me
While Dad sleeps next to you, snoring

You are the one that keeps Dan, Evan, and I
Like chicks in little lines
You nurture us and comfort us
And make sure we don't fall behind

You put your heart in everything
Whether it be us, driving bus, or fiber
You are just so pleasant to be around
And you don't complain at all either

I love you like I can't explain
It's just some bond we have
Like friends almost because we're close
Around you, I can relax

You are the most genuine person I have ever met
And, knowing you, you will always deny
How you became to be that mom, who, all along
Carried light in those indigo eyes

To the world, you are concrete
You are a face of stone because at one point you were soft
Vulnerable
And when you were vulnerable, you cracked
So you hardened

You are a slab of solid rock, yet replaceable in your own eyes
Someone could wander along one day and fill you over with someone new
Someone fresh and vibrant
But did you ever think of the marks that are left in the surface of concrete?

They distinguish that you were here, you were remarkable
You did something worth remembering
So, yes, concrete is easy to replace, but only if you let it become replaceable

I build up these walls around you
Securing my feelings and reasons
But once I see you, my true feelings show through
And I thought that I was in a new season

Brick by brick, I build up and up
My wall of avoidance is unbreakable
But your presence and voice give me no choice
To reveal my heart, unmistakable

When you address me at all, my sturdy, strong wall
Obliterates into crumble and ashes
My hearts skips its beats, I look at my feet
And time seems like it never passes

Why the **** do I love you? It crazy; absurd.
Is it the way you are so out of my reach?
I stumble and tumble around you in fumbles
Without you seeming to know the secrets I keep

You can't see me treading these waters
With a shark just looming below
I swam and I swum, but when I got done
I realized that you'll never know

I'd want you to save me from this hell
I'm sure that after I'd be just fine
But when I look around, I've finally found
The blame for this hell is mine

I can feel you floating away
You are the sand grains sliding through my open fingers
Your memories are going out of the window of my mind
You're a fragment of a sentence, not really finished, but you feel complete now
The feelings of helplessness have turned into ones of comfort and acceptance
Real acceptance
The autumn leaves have changed and so have I
I am in a new season of my life
Falling away from you
When I look at you, I don't feel overwhelming anxiety
I feel detached fondness
Like your favorite memory of childhood that is covered in golden dust from picture frames
I see how much I have grown and I know you were worth it
We were worth all of this
The struggles we fought, the time that we bought together
It was all for something, can't you see that?
Even if we aren't together, our time was never wasted
I would not rewind a single moment I had with you
I would not take back the honest love I gave you

I hope you tell her that you love her
And mean it all the same
I hope you make her feel special
And don't confuse her with silly games

Allow her to be herself in your love
And accept her for who she is
Whether she shares your interests
Or just likes to do her own things

Appreciate her for all the times that she cares
When she is there for you
I hope your love is wonderful
I pray that it is true

You are so special and she will know
If she is that certain one
That you are worth her waiting for
That you are worth her love

I hope you believe in her and cherish her
That you will set her heart aflame
But in all of this, most of all
*I hope, to you, she does the same

Please, fingers that point, blame, and condemn
Never point at me
Because my frame spontaneously collapses
Under your harsh realities

Some call it drama, or gossip, or back talk
That invades and clouds our logic
But as many names as there can be
I still just hate the conflict

It's like a virus that sneaks in
From ***** looks and false faces
Until it is suffocating us from the inside out
It seeps in to tight-knit places

I avoid you, conflict, at all costs
I avoid you like the plague
I avoid your lies and suffering
Until you grab me by the leg

You shake me to the very core
Which is why none at all is too much
But the reason I hate you most of all
Is because of you, I tear myself up

So many heroes died on September 11th
So some could live to see September 12th

Songs transport me back in time
No matter where I am I can listen
And feel as if I am in another place

This time it was a different song
I Just Can't Get Enough
The music video is set in Japan
And the song lyrics reminded me of you

I remember listening while I was in Colorado
And you were across the ocean
Visiting your sister in Japan
Two years ago

I imagined myself there with you
And hoped that we would visit together
Sometime after we were married
Perhaps ten years down the road
Like we had planned in childhood fascination

I had imagined us touring gardens
And the bright city of Tokyo
Riding bullet trains and visiting ASIMO
Eating ridiculously overpriced McDonald's
While old Japanese women ask us if we're famous
And practice their English with us

While I hold your hand and gently sing
"I wouldn't want to have it any other way
I'm addicted and I just can't get enough"

You are like the drawings in the margins and the corners of my page
The little odds and ends of pencil I halfheartedly erased

Your swirls and shapes around me that I am so distracted by
Right next to the flowers that I drew and the birds up in the sky

I erased your figure just to tell everyone that moving on is what I did
But yet you are still here around me, so who then can I kid?

I go back and retrace your memory, wanting some of it to be real
But hands alone cannot reach through space, so it is only paper that I feel

I cannot comprehend why you ask me
What I'm doing a week in advance
I don't even know what I am eating for dinner tonight

Trapped inside of geometric shaped walls
With clouds on the ceiling, the paper crawls
Blue skies for square feet
Polka dot bed sheets
Somehow I can't sleep

Fair-prize stuffed animals strewn around
On the shelves, cabinets, and on the ground
Cuddled in blankets with frozen feet
I attempt to find my escape to sleep

But so much is riddled in my mind
That I can't think in a straight line
You're leaving, going, going, gone
What is right when it's all wrong?
You're not here and now I'm not strong
I should have known this all along

You're so much more than I ever told
Now that we have both grown old
We were fists and fights
Wrongs and Rights
Nights and Lights

But we changed and grew to not spat
We are hip to hip instead of *** for tat
So now it's hard to sleep
Counting minutes
Counting sheep
When you're not here, but in Kentucky

I am lost because I have not found the map

I wanted it to be me there sitting beside you
I wanted that so very badly and part of me still does
I miss our friendship and how we spent our time together
I just could not tell you that I miss us and think
Like about when you told me you wanted to take me to Disney World after graduation
Because I have never been there
Or the talk of waking up next to each other and having breakfast in our kitchen
We made so many beautiful plans for a beautiful life
But life works around our plans
It careens and twists around all that we want
And decides what is best without concern of breaking our hearts
I am only a product of my environment
I am lost because I haven't found the map

There's something scarier about graduating
Than going to college,
Moving out,
Starting a life,
Studying,
Independence,
Or freedom,
My biggest fear about leaving this place
*Is leaving you behind

You are living, breathing poetry
When I'm around you, I can't help but think in rhymes
I imagine synonyms for your style
And enjoy every minute of our times

Your touch, to me, just sparkles
Like tiny diamond rings
It flowers, blossoms, and it blooms
With every wave your passion brings

Your smile warms and cools me
Just like a secret summer night
The kind spent on back porches
Where talks last until the light

Oh, and the way you turn back and look at me
Turns me into a cliche
Because my arms and spine shiver
And my knees start to give way

Like I said, you're living poetry
Even though you can't see how
And when your poem is read you're still humble
You don't need to take a bow

That space I have set up for you is getting harder and harder to maintain
The roof has begun to leak
The floorboards squeak
And there is a clog in the drain

I keep investing time and effort into caring for your place
That I neglect myself
I lose sleep and happiness over your chipping paint exterior
And wonder if it all even matters

But why do I even care if it won't be used
The doorbell has never been rung to that place
That I have set up in my heart
You never checked to see if I was home

You maybe drove by casually on the street
Or tiptoed up the walkway to see if you could see the lights on
But you never once told me you needed me
Or wanted to be that close to visit the place I set up for you

Does it matter that I fixed the roof?
No more rain will seep through its cracks
And did you notice the new floor?
Now it doesn't make a sound when you walk on it

And I repainted the outside
So you would have something pretty to look at
So you could stand back and say
"Wow, this is my place that she built just for me"

The house has become so massive though
It has taken up so much more than I intended
You seep into so many aspects of my life that you don't need to
You are overwhelming me

So maybe one day, I'll just take a sledge hammer
And rip apart the mansion I built
Piece by piece, brick by brick
So you know that it meant something

Talking to you answered some questions
But left more unanswered
Do you still read my poems?
I write to you
Hoping you would know that there is so much confusion
That I am not just leading you to believe that I am someone who does this sort of thing often
You're where it all started
I can't just let go
It's been so hard for so very long
To try not to look at you
And try to say to myself that you don't think of me even if I think of you
To try to believe that maybe it is just me who feels like this
But when you told me you loved me, something was there
Something that was missing was half filled
Not the whole way completed because all I find from you are empty promises
Nothing felt real
Because of the way you talked to me after you said it
I wanted you to tell me nice things you used to tell me
That's what I wanted when you asked
But I couldn't say it because it wouldn't be fair
I would have wanted too much
The complete love of two people
And he knows all of this, he knows about how I feel
That's why I feel guilty and bad for all of this
But he knows I will always have feelings for you
It's something about the first love that you have
It's just so confusing when you talk to me
If you missed me, missed us, you didn't talk to me like you loved me
It was  like I was some tattoo that meant something, and now you regret getting, but it won't go away
And whenever I see you, you just look at anything other than me
Because I think you're afraid I can see right through you
Well, I'm looking at you, knowing that you can see straight through me
I'm tired of putting up layers and disguises to hide how I feel
And I'd like to believe that you still love me too
That you are even reading this
But I don't know anymore

Take my hand and lead me through
The halls that we once walked
However, I find it hard to approach you
After what happened in our last talk

I'm there again, in that gym
Like, once more, I'm in eight grade
You're doing what you do best
While I'm stuck standing there and afraid

The music is on, playing numb melodies
I should probably start to move
But how I can  bring myself to dance
When I'm hypnotized by you?

It felt like eight grade all over again
But reality followed me into this dream
Because I'm older than I used to be
And someone else had followed me

He wasn't there in presence
But he was floating over the dream
He's the reason I feel guilty
For what I see when I'm asleep

You notice me once and look away
Because you are still hurt by me
But little by little you look again
Then keep a gaze steadily

Nervously, I walk over to you
And ask if we could talk
So you said, still unknowingly
"Sure, I guess we could take a walk"

We walk across the dance floor
To a bench in the corner of the place
Where we talk about feelings and dreams
As a familiar smile spread across your face

Little by little, fingers inched across separate oceans
Our hands got closer still
Until they intertwined within in each other
And ignited the feelings we thought we killed

Eventually, we got up from that bench
To roam throughout our old school
With my head on your shoulder we walked around
Remembering places that we knew

"Remember that time we had tech-ed there together?"
I said in that hallways as I reminisced
"I remember" you said
"But, since then, it is really you that I have missed"

After that, we walked some more and sat together
It was so tangible, it felt like it was true
I could hear, see, touch, and think
Once again, I could feel things for you

But that is the cruelty of my dreams
Everything is so realistic
It feels like life until I wake up suddenly
Alone in my bed and nostalgic

Even if all the signs point to no
Everyone tells me to let it go
Even if it's written in the skies
Or it's ridden with goodbyes
If it's separated by space
If it's in an unfamiliar place
Even if our love was never true
I still can't forget you

I JUST ALWAYS FELT SO*   *small   **COMPARED TO YOU

The tree house, the swings, the memories
You built it, and you need to tear it down
To make way for a new pool deck
But by you tearing it down
You're just reassuring me of the fact
That my childhood has almost past
I remember so many times being up there
Sleeping up there
Doing homework
Swinging
Rolling around in sleeping bags
Laughing and enjoying life
I would rather it not go
I love its presence, always reminding me
That however old I get, there is always magic
There is some place to go and hide
Even if there are bees, I could still go up there and escape
I could sit, all bundled up in my Eskimo snow suit in winter
And witness the stillness of the new fallen snow
I whittled names into its support wood
So it would always remember
I guess I'm being selfish not wanting to share my own piece of childhood
But we all have that thing that we don't want to give up
Even if we outgrow it in a sense
But I will be happy in the sense that another child may climb up on the steps
Look out from the top and imagine they are the top of the world
For all the time that they can

We're too young, we were so serious
What happened?
Like Romeo and Juliet
Someone's going to die here
But I have realized something
If you don't drink the poison
I won't have to stab myself with a daggar

My petals have all been picked off, my strings have been pulled taught
By constant "He Loves Me's" and "He Loves Me Nots"
Can't you see, you've left me in distress?
But, "It Doesn't Matter," seems to be how you digress

I feel like some toy
Just a rag doll you play with
Tug at my yarn hair

You should have known
From a long time ago
That the seeds that you plant
Are the seeds that you sow

So be careful what you do
And be careful what you say
Because that hurt you deliver
Will turn back your way

You'll find the broken ones
Have found their way back
And you are where they were
Starting to crack

I feel badly knowing you're hurt
Honest, I do
I know that some things can't be helped
Life's not always easy to do

But when I look back
And think about those times that I was there
Alone and hurting
Without you seeming to give me a care

I realize that I can't do anything
And neither can you
So you might as well sit back
And enjoy the view

Those who are conceited are like the foamy starch  in a *** of pasta
That rises and billows so proud in its manner, falling over the sides of the pan
But little do they know that they are nothing special later on
They just end up being some disgusting crusty mass that no one wants to find in their gnocchi