Delusion
Confusion
Deception
Refusion
Hopeless
Intrusion
I am
So
**Lost

Float away
Far, far away
On some cloud going to the middle of nowhere
Go attached to a bunch of balloons
Of different colors and materials
Or on a carrier pigeon
With a small note on its left foot
The method of transportation is of no importance to me
Just be gone
I'm sorry that I was intrigued
When you told me you loved me
It was my mistake
I just wanted to feel something
That I felt a while ago
The way you talked to me at night
Made me think it was somewhat real
Now all I want to do is forget
But that's what you told me to do anyway
Forget you
                  Forget us
                                   Forget feelings
If that is what you want, I'll forget you
No.
I want to do what I want
I want to forget
Therefore, I'll forget

I can feel myself slipping back inside where I was
It's a twisted game, to love and be loved
And normally the one who cares less
Is the victor
But I can't help but go back
To look back and think
To feel the same again
But you cut it short
You brought me back to reality
Even though you told me
You were stuck as well
Now I know why I can't believe your love
I can't feel it
You don't talk to me like you do
It hurts when you say goodbye
Like words could separate feelings
And if you are reading this, if you even want to hear how I feel
It hurts

I hate the chase, the drawn out chase
I can't make decisions
I can't hurt people, I physically can't
It hurts me too much
Don't put me in a complicated sitaution
I'm afraid I'll only run away
I am indecisive
I always question myself
Second guessing and ovethinking are my drugs
And I am the enabler
I let myself do it
Slipping into a fantasy, I lose sight of reality and I'm stuck
Stuck in limbo land with myself
Thinking things that aren't true
Things I wished were true
And all I need to get out is to let go
But the high is intoxicating
Blinding, even, so here I stay

It's you that I cannot deal with
You, with your simplistic complicated ways
You, who I could never get a hold of
Who just floated away
You are irritating, you know that?
For someone who is here
You are quite unreachable
Always somewhere else
Thinking of someone else
Never me
Always something else
Looking towards the future
I would go up to you
Go up to you and tell you that when I said "Happy Birthday"
It made my heart melt
I would ask you to save me from the hell of loving you
With no hope of getting out or knowing how you feel
But I don't think you can save yourself
From your own hell
Do you know that I love you?
That when he said to you that I am your ex-girlfriend in front of me
I could barely breathe or speak
And you just replied
"Yes, I know, she is still a really nice girl though"
I almost cried
Yeah, I'm just some nice girl who cares about you more than you know
I can't stop searching and looking for you
Looking for you to look for me
I have never known how to love
someone until now
Loving someone means going through this
Being quiet and caring for them in what ever way they need
Standing as far away from them as possible
Even though it's not what you want
It is the still of the silence that you sit in and wonder about them
About the curvatures of their face or what they said the other day
It is not knowing what will happen, but still holding on to something
Loving someone is grueling, it's terrible, excruciating.
Having feelings for someone, wondering if they are reciprocated
But loving someone also means understanding if they don't feel the same

Stop shaking*
Stop Shaking!
I have my head under the sleeping bag
And an unkown feeling in my heart
Something i'm too scared to say
Hanging on to your every word
I'm so scared
Scared of myself
And how I feel for you
Maybe if I could just stop shaking
I could think straight

And by the way we stood today
I almost forgot
That we weren't together

A representation of our love
*Beautiful, soft, pure, and real

For once, I'm at a loss for words
I can't write eloquence into our anniversary yesterday
Because it was magical in and of itself
You planned me a quiet picnic in the woods, just you and me
Cooking hot dogs on a charcoal grill we didn't know how to use
And eating chicken salad
Going kayaking was a dream, paddling along
On a quiet tributary to a bigger lake, we went back into the woods
We sat in our little floating craft and talked about first kisses and magic
We wondered at how simple acts could have led us apart and how happy we are together
I noticed the calmness of the water and the intricacies of the ripples when I indulged my paddle into the stream
We were out for an hour, just paddling along
Talking, living, laughing, loving together.
Just being together
We eventually made our way back in, an hour car ride away from home
Talking some more, laughing together, enjoying the company
We went back to my place and ate dinner with my family
Shrimp Scampi with salad and bread
Then roasted marshmallows and laughed when they became torches
Nothing is better than marshmallows with the people you love
After that we set up my hammock and just swung there and watched the sun slip below the horizon
Taking in the scenery, we didn't need to talk, because there was nothing more that could have been said
It was magical until my little brother came over to us and asked why we weren't talking and called us boring
But he doesn't understand, not quite yet
Not until he is sitting on a hammock with a girl, and knows there isn't anything to say
It was a beautiful day, wonderful by itself

I wonder if we have anything in common
We probably do.
*We can't be that different

In a dreamy lullaby
I saw you for the first time in a while
Your eyes were different I suppose
And in the dim lighting, they did glow
Your hand brushed mine and you smiled lightly
But I was chilled by this contact slightly
I had emotions for you, sure I did
But I thought your feelings for me were all but rid
I let mine come through, I showed my heart
And you showed yours too, which is the unrealistic part
You said you still had a tingle deep inside
That when you saw me, your heart would fly
When I walked past you could not breathe
Which is exactly what you do to me
We tried, oh my, we tried and tried
To make time erase from tired minds
But in the end, it slipped far away, you see
Because nothing can be how it used to be
So you left me alone to reconcile
How to move on from your unpurposeful guile

I hope it's everything he could ever imagine
I hope it's exciting and new
I hope it's something that will make him love learning more
I really just hope he won't be made fun of
It would break my heart in to small microscopic pieces
If he came home crying because of something some kid said
About his weight or the fact that he is twice the size of anyone else
He is so sensitive, can't everyone see that?
Dear Bully, don't make fun of him
Don't push it past that point of innocent child's play
Don't make him hate himself
Don't make him cry
Even though you can't see me behind him, I am there
Everything you do to him, I can see
I can feel it just as he does
So the next time you think about making fun of someone
Just remember that maybe they have an older sister
Or someone else who cares that much
Who feels that pain as much as your victim

In the silence between what I believed to be real and reality is where you sit
Nestled between hope and illusion, you are there.
Waiting patiently, hoping diligently, you are my own mirage
Sampling the fragrances of fancied flowers and waiting
Always waiting
Your toes dip in pools of uncertainty and you wonder why you are here
Purgatory and respiratory, I can't breathe in this space
This half way between heaven and hell
So right it can't be wrong
But am I really crazy to believe it is all a sham
This illusion of a closing is really an opening
If you stare at it long enough
And think at it hard enough
It might just open
And I used to try to squeeze myself through
Just before it was closed
Because I believed it wouldn't be opened again
Now all my bridges have been burned and there is no going back
Never going back
I feel like some action star, like Arnold Schwarzenegger
Walking away from the scene of an explosion
*No looking back

"How do you know?"* You asked me
I only looked at you and smiled
*"Because I could see it in your eyes"

I'm not ready to grow up, I want time to pause
I love the swing sets, I love innocence, the imagination
Why can't we just have the mindset of children, but only get bigger?

I would hope to become someone of importance
Or just to be myself
That's all I really need

Times are changing
People aren't the same
I'm still here

It sounds so silly to be crying over this piece of something
But this piece of something was our everything
You choked back tears and told me there will always be the memories
But I looked around inside our place and was filled with nostalgia
"This is the last time I'll be in here," I thought
The thought made my eyes well up with tears, and I started to blink rapidly
No one could possibly understand how much it means
That rusted piece of metal that we drove around in was where it all started
Where we started

It all started in track, where the throwers hung out in your van
Awaiting practice, just killing time together, listening to music
It was a home, our haven, in some silly way, just for a little while
It was the **** of all the jokes, not some Porsche by any means
But there was something about it's feel that made it unique

After track, it was post prom, that I was there with you
Falling asleep at five in the morning, listening to the radio
With your hand on my knee, something just felt right
When we got back to my house, I thought you tried to kiss me, but I hugged you instead because I wasn't ready
You drove away listening to the song "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake
And you still tells me that you knew it was a sign

As the school days wearied down, we grew together
Longer days, shorter nights, and warmer weather
We started to see each other more and more
You always wanted to drive me home, pick me up
Just to spend more time together
You lived for that in-between time in the car
Driving around with you just always felt right

At graduation he was there too, we named him, you see
JFE for his license plate, but we pronounce it Jeffie
I watched you walk across the stand, receiving your diploma
And after we walked back to him, because you had something for me
Which wasn't how I thought graduation worked
But nonetheless you asked me to go get a toolbox from him trunk
To help you with some nameless task
So I opened it, expecting a wrench, but I was met with wrapping paper instead
In it was a card saying that you knew that I was hurt, but you were trying your best to show that your feelings were honest
And in the box were webcams to help us make it through the upcoming summer apart

He was there those first two weeks of summer
I bet we totaled a thousand miles
Going back and forth from place to place
Just spending all the time we could before you had to go
Those beautiful weeks, the best of my life
We stayed out until two a.m.  in my front yard, just talking in the front seats
I always came inside expecting a lecture on the time of night and the worries my mother had
But, I really didn't care
I spent every single day with you before you left
I wanted to make the most of a bad situation
Because it was planned before we happened

He was there that day you told me of your love
Like it was something that had to be said, it was already seen
You confessed you would miss me because of your feelings
That encompassed your life
It took me two weeks to return it
Not out of lack of it, but because I wanted to be absolutely positive it was love
Now, there is no doubt, but then I was a little shook up
And when I said it, we were standing right next to him
His chipped maroon exterior, with power windows that seldom rolled up, and his creaky sliding doors
I have since said those three words a million times in his vicinity

He was there when he left, after the beautiful time
We were so unhappy to be separating, it was unbearable
But he always brought you straight back home to me
I would look out for him everywhere I went in case you were back in town again
Waiting for the rumble of his engine from the bottom of the hill
Then I knew you were home again


Since you have come home to stay, he has been there for all of our countless days
For all the good and bad ones together
He has seen us shine and diminish, but he has always been the place
If we needed to talk, you would just turn the key off and park somewhere to resolve it
While driving in him, we have told countless stories and memories
We became best friends and fell in love there

He was there for all the memories
The ones that cannot be bought or sold
Even though he was named with a price
In my mind, he is priceless
A treasure
One of a kind
Even though he was made on a factory line of thousands
*Just like him

You know you are getting bored when you start to make up a song about your dogs wanting their dinner
*In Spanish

Let's build a sandcastle
Like we are playful kids
Let us build up a mighty fort
Before the waves crash it in

Come, run through the waves with me
Let's go and fly a kite
There's something in the air today
That lingers through the night

It's the essence of summer
Even though it's far too early
I want to play alongside the beach
And be child-like and girly

Your eyes tell me you feel it too
And your smile tells me you enjoy it
So we float in the ocean for awhile
Basking in the peace of being buoyant

This is where I want to be
Alongside the ocean with you, alone
Even though there are other places I could be
This is my new home

My love for you lives at I-95
Right past the exit for Towson
Where we stopped at Lito's for pizza
After we kissed for the first time
I passed I-95 today and didn't remember
Those soft kisses in back seats
Until I saw that pizza shop sign
I could see myself, 13 and blossoming
Holding tightly to your hand
It was like I was standing outside of your dad's car
Looking in at the events that just unfolded
That thirteen year old that won the bet with her friend for having her first kiss
It wasn't why that thirteen year old wanted it though
She just mustered up the courage to move her face close enough
So that the tiniest amount of contact could be made
It was intended to be soft and meaningful, the first of many
But it turned out off-centered and askew
But it was lovely
You, thirteen and dream like, were shocked
Yet intrigued, so you kissed me next time
Then it went back and forth
Alternating kisses, testing the feelings of new connections
Tingling fingers, tapping toes

Little does he know
That while he thinks he is doing well
That he is moving on
He will soon know the truth
That loving others is just a facade to distract himself
From dealing with moving on from what happened
It will hit him
One night, it will hit him
While he is laying alone in his bed, he will know
He will think of a joke or a memory that will knock him back in time
Back to square one
He will have to start all over again
Trying to claw his way back into reality
One where together doesn't belong
Perhaps he won't feel it
But I am expecting that he will
He will know that she isn't truly erased from his mind
On one lonely night not too far from now
Because he doesn't know that when you love someone else
When all the pink clouds and sparkles are gone
Is when you understand your true feelings

The days where you just feel okay in yourself are my favorite
Where others don't abraise you like an itchy wool sweater
Where trouble doesn't sit in your stomach like bad pasta
Where you can float along, just being you
Feeling confident that your face is fashioned in just the right way
That your tights are pulled up
That your shirt is pulled down
Those days where you just embrace the fact that others talk
But it doesn't have to define you
I know I have trouble with this
I think we all do
Others talking is a great part of the things that make me unhappy
I think "Well, if only that person wouldn't be talking about me, I would be happier"
But when the truth is, I can choose whether or not to listen
I can choose whether or not to sit with them
Or whether or not I believe something someone else is saying about my life
Because we all know that other people are the experts on all our problems
Fastening their opinions of us based off the exterior of our faces
Well, if there is someone who knows more about me than I know myself
Come, please have me meet them, because I would sure like the answer key to life's book of problems
Because perhaps they play God, too.

It doesn't have to be some huge ordeal
Not a clash and clamor of pots and pans
Or the thunder of lightning
It doesn't have to make a ruckus

I want that kind of quiet love
The one that sits next to you on the couch
But doesn't have to say anything
Because it knows that you don't always have to talk

I want that kind of love
Where you go to the same diner together every Saturday
Playing hangman and connect the dots
On the back of worn-out, faded pink and blue, advertisement place mats
While you order the same meal because it is tried and true

I want that love where you can go to the supermarket together
Just wandering aimlessly through isles
Deciding on what to make for dinner
Debating over whether $4.99 is a proper price to pay for Rigatoni

That love where you can sing in the car
Along with the radio
Even though you are horribly off key and so am I
But it doesn't matter
Music was never our forte anyway

I want that quiet kind of love
I guess what I really want is friendship

We always want what lies behind
Door number two

Our memories and feelings are starting to slip
Along with my wanting finger tips

The sun sets and the moon starts to raise
As I prolong my fastened gaze

You keep me plastered to this very point
Where I can't move a single joint

Unlike you thought, I wanted you, don't you see?
And in return, I wanted you to want me

Hoping has gotten me nowhere but here
Encircled in everyday lies and fears

From thinking and thinking, but never acting on a whim
But here and now, it's time to begin

It's time to stop and break the trap
Of loving you with no looking back

You don't deserve my adoration, but yet I give
This is not what it means to fully live

To fully live means to enjoy your own life
Not surrounded by others' chaos and strife

So I want to wave farewell and bid adieu
But the only thing keeping me here is you

How would you describe depression
To someone who doesn't know?

Circling, circling*
Around and around
Eventually, you fall
And hit the ground

Is sixteen and seventeen too young
To tell you that I want you to be my wife?
I guess my love was too strong for you
Because my emotions seemed to suffocate your life

Apparently I played too grand a part in your stressful days
A simple "I love you" here and there was too taxing?
My "How's your day?" was a strain to you, my dear?
However my love never weaned, it was constantly waxing

I'm sorry for caring for you the way I did
Could I just make it right again?
I adore you, my love, and it would make me overjoyed
Just to have the closeness of a friend

But here I lay, in a pool of my own tears
Seventeen, and way too young
To feel this hurt, so cruel and so curt
And they say my life has only begun?

What's so bad about remembering
Only for a little while?

In the heat of the daytime
And in the cool of the night
Sometimes it escapes my mind
But when caught in the moment
Of favorite songs
I can't help but feel sublime

You confront me subconsciously
And encircle me dearly
I cannot escape from you now
I want to forfeit and surrender
To feel and remember
But I honestly do not know how

When I'm caught in those moments
On cool spring nights
During a car ride home with my someone new
A song comes on the radio
Which reminds me of us
And I look out the window as trees brush through

He is talking to me
But all I can seem to grasp
Are the issues that lie on my heart
I'm dreaming of you
And remembering last year
On this night, when we fell apart

I am envisioning laying in my bed
The covers strewn over my head
Shaking and crying with grief
Perhaps there was something more
Something I can't quite put my finger on
That brought me some sense of relief

Perhaps it was the thought
That things were not right
That every time you hugged me, something was missing
But maybe that wasn't your fault
Or mine either
So what's so bad about reminiscing?

It's been a year
I can't believe
I can't quite reconcile
How everything seemed so perfectly chaotic
But self-destructive
And I hid it all with a smile

Watching the shadows of headlights play off my front walk
From the inside of your car
No one inside, and I'm too scared to be alone
So you stay and wait with me for peace of mind
We recline our seats because we know it will be a while

I let my fingers wander over to the radio
Where I turn on "American Pie"
And we sit there, reclined
For eight and a half minutes, just singing along
And interchangeably talking about life
If someone saw us, reclined together
They would think it was something more than that
But it was just a simple moment in pure bliss
Holding hands, nothing more

"Would you like to go camping with me in a pop up camper?"
"Well how could I? I can't sleep in the same bed as you, dear."
"No, not now. Like in a few years. I want to see the grand canyon. And I would like for you to come with me to see it"
It all sounded so sweet, how could I say no?
I would love to go back there with you
And do all the things I couldn't do the first time around
Maybe we could walk out on to the glass platform together
And lay out and watch the stars
As I point out constellations
One by one
Castor and Pollux
Orion
Sagittarius
The Pleiades

Perhaps one day we will sit in that same spot in your car
Reclined together, holding hands, listening to "American Pie"
Reminiscing on the day we dreamed about everything we could be

Come with me, while I'm light upon my feet
The grass is green, the air is sweet
As we navigate through fields and around the plain
I pray you won't forget my name

As we grow up and up from our childhood guile
I hope you will look upon me and smile
Because I still will remember you the same
So, please, remember my name

And in those cold, dark lonely nights
I had always wished to hold you tight
To shield you from what comes again
Always, please, remember my name

I've loved you, love you, always will
And if you can remember still
How we used to tirelessly play the game
How could you, dear, forget my name?

Remember those feelings that I held on to so tight?
Well, you shredded them up
Alongside the truth
I'll admit, I was willing to believe anything you told me
Because a lie from you was better than nothing at all anyway
So while I go around hearing "He told me it was your fault, and that you broke up with him"
I'll remember that final night I was on the phone with you, feeling your words tear apart my insides
And you asked why I was crying

A little pinch of guilt
A sprinkle of passion
A touch of desire
And a heaping spoonful of desperation
*For good measure

Are you scared of me?
Or what you have become?

Today was the first day in a while that I thought
About being in your dad's garage
While you set up your lights and trusses
Trying to make a show
You explained to me how they worked
And smiled that smile when you looked over at me
While I was just soaking it all in

I remember, once, being there
Being lost with you
In that moment
Listening to blaring music
Watching your light show play on the ceiling and walls
Being amazed by you
And what you could do
My heart full to bursting of things I couldn't say
Feelings I felt for you
Being there was like being in your heart
I was a third party watching you doing what you loved best
Surrounded by the things you loved the most
Things you are great at
And, now, I can't look at you doing it
Creating shows and productions
Like at homecoming or at prom
Because it breaks my heart again and again
To know I can't stand in your garage and see you create
*Magic

Looking back, from a while ago
Your past may be dulled and the colors somewhat faded
The pain not as sharp
So it's hard to remember what was

So you think and think
About what you thought it was
When your thoughts are only a romanticized version
Of what really was there

Where you saw love
There was actually selfishness and disdain
Where you saw hope
There was an empty abyss
Everything is askew
So you don't know where to begin
You don't know what to believe

I tried so very hard
To turn you into that thing
You said you would turn me into

I turned you into a box
That sits high up in my closet
With only the most valuable things in it
To remember

There are corsages and letters
And that ****** bracelet I can't look at
There are smiley faces
And cards
And quotes all around the sides
To keep me from looking at it
Because it knew I would linger
And go back

Sometimes that box falls off my shelf
Straight into my arms
And I collapse onto the floor
Looking at what was
Contemplating if everything was
Just some lie
A beautiful lie

Together forever isn't really real
Unless you believe in it

When the sun dips from the sky
And the moon begins to gleam
Wipe away your day face
And move yourself closer to me

With your worries now gone
And the sun below the horizon
I can see you more clearly
With my pupils beginning to widen

We sit on that hill for a while
With the chromatic hues of the sky above
Now it's only you and I
To explore this thing we call love

So I look into your eyes, they are always clear
And neat and beautiful
And I lay may head on your chest and draw little hearts with my fingers
While I start to, again, feel whole

I can quite explain, I can't quite describe
How it was you that I found
But some part of myself tells me not to question it
As we sit and watch the sun go down

You're like a drug
And I'm the addict
Trying to break free
From your grasp
But I can't help but trip and fall
Sometimes
When I have a relapse

You break my heart
Every single time
It's okay
I don't mind

Don't look at me
I am actually scared
Scared that you'll see through me
And the face that I've prepared

But I can't help but feel
That I break my own heart
Even believing there's a chance
That you think of me

The well hath run dry
So why do I keep on drilling?
Searching for more emotion
To seep forth
I used to look at you and feel the waterfall of feelings
But now I just look
And inside I feel a desert
An unfeeling tundra
Too numb to sense

I used to hate that silence
That unbearable silence you had over me
But now I live in it
I find solace that maybe no news is better than bad news
I use it to my advantage
Maybe you weren't worth my attention
After all

Because at a certain point
You get sick of remembering
You get nauseous of nostalgia
That is when you can truly move on

I can't help that I'm not graceful
I still can't do a cartwheel
Or maybe I can
I haven't checked in a while

I can't help that I'm not breathtaking
I have never seen my effect on others
I actually never thought about
If he catches his breath when he sees me

I can't help that I get anxious
My feet tap, I start to hyperventilate
But doesn't everyone?
Am I so abnormal?

I can't help being myself
Because if you think about it
Am I really so different
*From everyone else?

Kissing*
Without sensation
Or emotion
Is merely
Skin
touching
*Skin

Someone older
Someone stronger
Someone more attentive
Someone different
Maybe you cared
That he is someone
That isn't you