i reach a point of ******
and i never realized how sad it was
i never realized that i was actually
crying this whole time.
hidden beneath covers
friends in rooms miles away from mine
we’re all living our lives and making mistakes
but we haven’t been awake for a while now
i’m afraid.
there’s something about the muted twinkle
that brings me back to the soft lights
and the coffee and the microphone
and that first poem that
proved i belonged in a space of melancholy
because being broken is about more
than being an artist nowadays
i usually want to jump inside the paintings
but this one makes me
want to jump out.

the imaginary leftover confetti is still in my hair.
it’s been two days and i still feel
the brush of your hand on my fingers
in the elevator as i held tightly
onto what had become my entire life
over the course of three months.

and i’m brought back to the night
when you just barely stopped being a stranger
gliding down the steps
you asking me what i think of
this thing that would turn out to be life changing.
god back then i had no idea
that i’d be breathing underwater
taking shots of victory and mellow yellow
as you stared right at me
and never have i ever wanted you so bad.

lounging in hotel rooms and
turning around to look at me in the backseat
midnight flying down the interstate
i remember thinking you kept revealing
more of yourself than i thought i’d get to know
i remember thinking i could fall asleep right there
and trust you to wake me up if the city
came back into view

i want to send you the song i’m listening to right now
but i know you wouldn’t answer
and i know i wouldn’t blame you
i have a whisper confession to make
baby i think you might have changed me
more than my actual life did.

i was underwater.
swimming with the fishes
with the stories
of names i’ll never
quite be able to place
and then you dove in with me
just as i was wading to the edge.
you swam around the room
a rainbow trout
amidst schools of minnows
i love them all
but you’re just such a pretty color.

i let my feet dangle in the water
as you kept diving deeper
you’d look at me
from across the sea
send a wave toward my shore
i feel it crashing into me even now.

standing beside me
both of us swimming in
different depths
you looked right into my eyes.
i knew if i just held you there
for a little longer.
just a little.
i felt like the moon
dragging you toward me

i swear to god you almost kissed me.
i swear to god i would have let you.

**** Art

What has it ever done for me?
Other than put whip-cream and cherries
On the parts of me that aren't working.

How long can I celebrate my flaws before I become them?
Before they swallow me hole.

Lighting candles in a paper house.
Acting surprised when it burns
So fast.

It's been said that sleep is for the weak.
I disagree.
Sleep is for those who have time.
I'm far too busy
Forcing myself to swim upstream,
Trying to fix people
That don't even know
Whats wrong.

There is not enough cement to build the bridge.
Let it fall.
Go to bed.

I used to go for walks.
I'd sit on a park bench by the water
And watch the waves come in
Like they're supposed to.
I guess I found comfort in their consistency.
My legs would freeze
My ears would burn
But I wouldn't leave until I thought
I felt what I needed to feel
I understood what I needed to know.

I don't go for walks anymore.
This town is too small
And I'm too scared
I'll see you
Shotgun
In a car that isn't mine.

I've tried to bite the bullet.
They don't taste like bullets anymore.

am i sick of this or am i just sick of myself?