my mental health is a balance beam i keep forgetting i'm standing on.
sometimes it feels like it's standing on me.
i balance perfectly for a moment and suddenly i lose the discipline that got me there. i wish i could spend just a few moments enjoying the peace i fight for. uphill battles are always difficult;
why does mine have to be invisible too?
depression is back like a prison sentence i forgot i was serving.
freedom feels like a vacation instead of a destination and
summer ended months ago.
there is so much more weight than there used to be but
there is also nothing there and i don't know
how to explain how much slower i'm walking.
i lie more, cry more, sit alone inside more and
i'm left wishing i could just go home but
another voice inside me says
and maybe i'm stupid or dumb but i never craved ******* love i just wanted someone to fall back on.
romance is lovely but butterflies are overrated.
i just want to laugh and feel at home.
i guess i do
these things, it's
true i seem to
steer clear of speaking
i do feel fear
but i never thought it
was my foundation.
i don't know how not
to cope. is this
bad or just
maybe the key was not something i had to look for,
but something that found me.
i’m realizing freedom is in reach and it always has been. i don’t have to change the things around me or inside me. nurturing gratefulness and peace and love has never been easier or more rewarding. i'm remembering the reasons i gave myself away in the first place and they seem silly now. the loneliness i associated with myself was always a lie—my independence and strength lack nothing but the things i never needed in the first place.
a sort of desperation rises from the pit in my stomach and my hand darts out to catch her as she turns. “liza, i--”
“no!” she yanks away. “you can’t just come back here like this.” she looks to the side, looking at anything but me. “i can’t handle this, nick,” she whispers. “i can’t handle you.” her eyes are shining when they finally meet mine. “you and i, we’re too much. i can’t think about anything when i’m with you, and you,” she trails off and takes another step towards the door. “well, you never think at all.”