Between what you want and what you need, you always choose to leave me behind.

Nothing's more creepier than a dream becoming real each passing day.

Three am and I woke up gasping for air to breathe while tears streaming down in my chubby cheeks. For the first time, I don't know what is real and what is fake, and what is wrongly perceived by my senses.

As I struggled to convince myself the idea of it that it did not happened, the more I was compelled to believe that it really did. The way I cried in the dream is the way I wailed tonight. Every plot of the dream turns to be more authentic than it ever did. The vivid details of my dream are coming like a kaleidoscope of horror movies I've watched as I continue to growl in agony.

And there is nothing I can do, but to continue watching myself.

Three am and I woke up gasping for air to breathe while tears streaming down in my chubby cheeks. For the first time, I don't know what is real and what is fake, and what is wrongly perceived by my senses.

Reality felt like a little less real.

From then on, I'm becoming less much in reality and I'm becoming more in my dreams. Everything I see around in this world looks faker and faker each breathe that I take.

I was never interested, I realized.

I ran, chased every tick of the clock afraid of not getting there on time, smiled at the person I just met, and answered the grammar exam like it was my quiz in Mathematics. I was even shaking during the typing exam. I was nervous during interview.

But I was never interested.

It feels weird though. The moment I heard about the company, all I thought was to get a resume and send it there. I never did a background check about the company, nor checking the possible salary I will be getting, and even the nationality of the students never came into my mind not until today.

After the HR congratulated me, I realized I don't want to have job nor the idea of getting this job or not.

And it hit me.

All the days I kept coming back in that building, running, smiling, hoping to give a shot, were all meant to be that way. I made those efforts because I should. But not because I wanted to work there.

It was because of the eagerness of emptying one's mind-- my mind. I was athirst of vacating all the thoughts inside my head, but the only way to null it is to fill it with thoughts I am not interested with.

Hopeless, as you see, unconsciously doing the things I never wanted to do just to forget the whole existence of this misery.

What do I expect? Sadness comes when you think you have almost escaped it. But fleeing is ephemeral. When sadness knocks your brain, you will always let it in, let it **** the hopes inside your head until there is only an ounce left for tomorrow. That is how it always goes.

Sitting on the passenger's seat
While the radio is playing my fave song.
Street light reflects on his glass skin,
Our drive will not be that long.

I tried staring at him for a long time,
But he stares at me back.
I could not help but to giggle,
Making my heart flutter is his knack.

We stop somewhere near the shore,
I could hear the sound of the waves.
I walk in a distance to feel the cold breeze
Then he finally give me what I crave.

Fave song still playing back in my head
He grab my waist, preparing me to dance.
Under this moonlight and playful night sky,
Every stars knew this is my only chance.

Thought you found home when you finally anchored your heart to his, but you only found wilderness inside an empty forest lost long time ago.

I met a man while I am moving on from my past. He was moving on also from his own little heartbreak. Whenever I am with him, I taught myself to never love a man's soul while his heart is aching for someone else's. But he taught me the other way, obliviously.

The ricochet comes. He can't love me back when he wants to. He can't take risks the way I do. He can't choose me when the universe give us the chance.

The ricochet hits me and I am supposed to be dead. But no, I was hit but was never putted into death. I was only shattered into pieces.

My little hopes and biggest fears will chase me to dreams and I have no escape. Nightmares will come every sleep and anxiety will attack me every waking up.

I will stare blankly in a dead air that used to give life to my existence before.

I am shredding tears for no certain reason and my heart is pulled down into the bottom of the sea.

I am loss. I am not found. If hope doesn't exist, then there is no chance I will be found deep down here.

I never had a heart, but when I found this empty long lost forest, when I took the risk when he can't, when I love him despite all his insecurities and incertitude, when I choose him when the universe gave me dozens of choices, I don't have a choice but to have one. For him and only for him.

Boy, I only have one heart but it is still hitched to yours and I don't have any plans to unhitch it.

It's been months since the last time we saw each other. I'm stuck inside our house, feeling contented of our chats and late night conversations. Some days, we fought over small things, and most of it, we enjoy our company together. At least, that is how I figured it out.

I wish this would last.

I want to laugh and love with you up until the sun will be seen in the east. But then I realized, you are my moon, and as long as you are there---sitting plainly in my own night sky, it is okay not to have the sun for the rest of my life.

There are days when I overthink, if not too much, just enough for me to suffer for an hour or two.

I overthink about the things we could have been if we never said our confusing feelings. I overthink the kind of person you could have been without me.

I am afraid that you will choose to forget me one day. I am afraid you will lose me, you will lose me in the process.

Loving you is not as risky as jumping off a 700-meter cliff, but to love you more each day is.

And every time I think about all the fears inside my head, I wish my mind would leave me.

Every time I think about all the fears inside my head, you will always come out alive, smiling. There is you.

And on this very day, when I open the door, there is really you.

Unom ka itom nga tuldok,
Nipilit sa lain laing parte sa akong lawas.
Dala ni ini atung mga kalipay,
Og mga kaguol para ingnung patas.

Ikaw ang itom nga tuldok,
Nga nagunitan sa akong kamot.
Usahay mubuhi kay nabatyag
Nimo akong dala nga kaalimoot.

Ikaw ang itom nga tuldok,
Nga uban permi sa akong kumagko.
Nagpamatood nga bisan asa ko maabot,
Ikaw ra gyud ako kuyug.

Ikaw ang itom nga tuldok,
Nga anaa dapit sa akong ilong.
Agi anan sa akong mga luha,
Ug magkaboang atung relasyon.

Ikaw ang itom nga tuldok,
Nga nagdumili mu biya.
Apan plinastik manang imoha,
Di ka kahibaw ug kanus-a ka mupahawa.

Ikaw ang itom nga tuldok,
Naglaroy laroy sa akong utok.
Manaog ka usahay sa liog,
Para ako matuok.

Ikaw ra gyud unta ang itom nga tuldok,
Nga grabeg pilit sa akong dughan.
Apan karon, gamay nalang nga tulod,
Para ikaw akong buhian.