I am lonely,
Without you.
You are missing,
From me.

Awake and overly emotional.

I'd cry myself to sleep,
  if i could.
but I can't.
thank you.

Still awake.
Thinking about how everything is supposed to be good for me right now.
Realizing how everything isn't
Realizing how everything means nothing because of you
I have a month left and then I'm free.
Free to think of you , cry for you , in another city
Life is beautful

I still miss you like May 31st
It still hurts like the first time

Your love for me is a loud silence

feelings of missing you
remind me that I am human
that I bleed too.

it's sad that you are no longer her
I don't cry anymore I wish I did because when you were alive and in my heart crying was the only way I could reach you
but now I don't and it's sad that you're no longer her, my angel

i built a home in you.
i found happiness in you.
i found life in you.
i found parts of myself
   in you.
i built a home in you,
all by myself
i built a home in you,
with you|your permission.
i love you, to the ends of this earth
i love you.
i love you, to the breaking of me.
i love you, everything.
i love you, everything.
i love you, to the end of myself
                   to the end of you.
i love you, a mistake.
i love you, i would do it all over again
                   without any hesitation.
i love you, everything.

to the girl: how many analogies about the sea can i come up with until you realise i cannot love you anymore.
    how many more nights can i spend popping pills as if my stomach lining can take that ****.
     how many more times are you going to keep coming back and taking parts of me with you, like you're oblivious to the fact that i need my heart to live?
     -Q.M catharsis

i swear i write every word just to reach you.
everything i do is to teach you , to understand how i need to be loved, with the coldest distance that keeps me warm at night.
love me carefully, please

letter to my love.
the beauty about poetry,
  the words written in a moment can be so profoundly meant and felt and they can just about overwhelm you to the point of seeping through the cracks our slightly opened palms.
and in another moment they easily become lies spewed by a heart once in love but now broken by it, trapped in a web of lies, fingers around my neck kind of lies, snap your neck and end you kind of lies, I loved you, you made it painful for me, another empty space in this heart..
you wondered why i was afraid of falling , you did not catch me.

there was once a love story hidden in
the words " i stay up all night for you "
           " i wait for you to message me "
           " i will wait for you "
           " you "
i think about how ridiculous i must have sounded in those moments, waiting for you, a love that has passed, a love that is no longer mine, no longer ours.
i was stupid to think that you were ever mine.

Battered, bruised
Aching heart , smoke inhalation my life is done
Obsessive lovers broken down
My life is done
Marlboro , rather peaceful.
Medication numbing
My life is done .
Little girls and boys weeping, baby boy I cannot hold you , I am too far gone
I need to be held. Who will hold me.
I want to hold you.
This is not the last letter but one of many
My life is done.
Torn apart
Battered , bruised.
My life is done.
Air supply cut off , lights flashing
I'm the deer caught in the on coming cars headlights.
This is it. Battered and bruised.
My life is done.

two beats. one heart
    i want to become one with you.
love love love.

     one? what is one? 
    the lowest cardinal number. 
     half of two. 
    
you? one...
     You're? the one. 
two beats. one heart
 us? one.
one? you. myself. ; peculiar beings ; one? we are one. 
              
always and forever, I have hoped to find the one.
always and forever, I have hoped to find she. who amounts to one .
you? her? one? my love.
forever and always I hope to have you as one. 
forever and always I hope to become one with you.

catharsis. 
the word said like a mantra. 
the word said like the last prayer.
the word amounting to; you. one. Nirvana. serendipity.
      four words; four hearts; one.

through you many things have been found, love, lust, love, serendipity, nirvana, catharsis, love , art, love. 
    
together? catharsis ; can become. 
two beats. one heart.
two hearts. one beat.
   in sync. love.
i love you
   three words. mantra.
you you you. i love you.
catharsis; you and i. forever and always. Nirvana. 
 Words; life. You; life support. Us; love, hope.
 
well hoped.

don't love too hard
don't do too much
don't love too hard
don't make her your world, Stupid
don't you ever get comfortable like you did
don't,
just don't. it does not ever get better for you.

I hate how cold the nothingness, the unfeeling leaves me.
you cause me pain and take it away. 
you give me love and take that away too. 
choose one? make me feel it, give me the pain, dont stop just don't leave me, I cannot take the silent afters, dry tears, cold nights,  empty hearts . 
       q.m

nightmares do come true.
realising just how lonely i really am.
i never thought I'd ever feel this way again, the only thing that appeals to me is my art and it seems as if momentarily I have lost it, to the girl that thought she broke my heart, truth be told? your actions do not come close to what I'm feeling, i said this before but now i believe it

it tears me to pieces.
it literally ***** the life out of me.
 i am already so broken; having to forget another person i love? that will destroy me. 

she said ; the next one you open up too will have to pay for that. 
 you cannot fully forget; you distract yourself from thinking. you distract yourself to keep yourself sane. 

I am on this path of destruction and it is fueled by sadness.
   soon there will be nothing left of me. 
   that scares me. a lot.

i am only a Ghost because she did not love me hard enough

I can see the situation I'm in SNOWBALL
..to hell
but I cannot stop it, I absolutely wont
because I am a shitmagnet
I want all that hurt on me, I want to feel the pain, I could go also say that I want to punish myself for killing her

I don't know, it could be a pretty sight.

sidebar: I honestly live ten aeons to your one

My heart she owns that, my everything she has it all, my mind may stray but you know what they say about how home is where the heart is, the gravitational pull towards her, my ****, I cannot stay away, I will not stay away. Nirvanainabottle, my supposed heaven, correctly worded my nirvana, I love you. I ******* love you.

sober as the morning sun
you're not here. we want you here. we only want you. 
always and forever maybe, if you'll let me.
bright lights shining ; all artificial ; because you are it, the real thing ; for me. 

shining lights; fireworks; no not for me
my blue moon; skittles.  ;her.
               one for me.
serendipity serendipity serendipity 
                her her her
          someday
blue moon. 
pink cloud. 
crimson cloud.
beautiful flower child.
earth child.
             collide
with collision came life. like with a bang came life.
    someday we will collide with collision comes forever.
 with forever comes the desire for no end. no end comes with closeness, love, shining lights, fireworks ; we can stand.
                                     shining lights, fireworks; we want to stand for

the need for closeness,love ; hidden? yes
                  Call me what you will; selfish? maybe.
                            closeness and love worth a million secrets
                                    kept in one.
                  the need closeness and love from her in a bottle
         Nirvana in a bottle.
Nirvana ; her 
Bottle ; me 
 Nirvanainabottle; (the need for) closeness and love, (from her)  for her. Kept.

I don't know what hurts more
: you don't love me
: you don't want to remember me
: you don't try to understand...like I want to understand you
: or that you're really not here with me and the scenery is so close to your beauty

Minds numb
******* throbbing
Monotony then the beat drops
Euphoria, eating away at her core, the love she holds in her aching heart penetrating through her achingwalls, ***** click, speak to me in your mother tongue,
African queen , not just any ******* queen
With clicking tongues tell me you're life's story and for that I then would be granted the pleasure of just simply eating away at her *****, for ***** sake.

how dare you?
  give me all that soul?
                 all that love?
       baby all that art?
how dare you give me that,
         and then take it away?
that is not okay, i am not okay.
-whoever you are

i remember.
i remember telling her, i played Tetris because, everything started to go bad and i missed her.

|everything went bad and somehow that was code for " we cannot be together anymore "
everything went dark and i could not get up and leave because i was truly in denial, i could make it through another quiet month?
everything went bad, went quiet, i slowly became what i was feeling, i went quiet, as i missed her too much to allow myself to be as open before.
everything went bad and i lost parts of me, as if i had anything left to lose.

|i missed her, the very reason for all my pain, i can't even blame her, i gave her the power to build a home in my mind without even living there.
|i don't remember where I begin.
  i don't remember the love i had for you.
i don't remember a night without tears.

I am craving you bravely with this pain in my heart
I am craving you bravely, with all this love I am feeling, these feelings I keep ignoring
I am craving you bravely, I'd like to embrace you, taste you..
I am craving you bravely, I love you, come back to me..
I am craving you bravely, mami, princess, come back to me

Don't put me on a pedestal, I think of jumping off bridges because she did not love me hard enough.

i don't know what it is about me
as i said: I don't quite understand me yet
it's odd, everyone sees something
I see nothing.
I see,
I am looking into this mirror
..an abyss
...empty, cold, untouched
:in a perfect world, I just described myself perfectly.

pretty sure I feed all my demons just because without the sadness I feel incomplete.
no weeping willows or lights to hold me together like a straight jacket.
broken little person looking for acceptance into way too many baggies and cigarette packs.

i cannot count the amount of times I've said I love you, to you, it's really funny because, i do not know you, i fell for the way you probed my brain as if there was something of real worth there, i feel for a picture, i fell for pictures, my God, you are beautiful, but that does not change the fact that i spend all my time thinking about you when I'm not talking to you but i do not know you, this is a whole new different type of PCH going on here the words " baby you can be my catfish , lingering on and on and on " this heart? Is a grenade, susceptible to emotion but can easily withdraw from them too. what have i gotten myself into ? this is far from just being another case of my " fear of being alone " this is me digging myself into a hole trying to find China, what have i gotten my heart and mind into now? another broken record, obsession driven ****, i have an illness.

For the life of me i cannot understand why you cannot let this happen.
I'm only trying to be here for you.
That's all.
I'm way past pretty forevers although I'd die for them.
I'm only asking you to keep in mind that i am here.
I just want you to know that.

the difference between
you and them.
they let me be.
    you make me want to be.
they lead me to believe in a brighter
day.
   you make me see
    you make me seek
    you make me want the brighter day.
         whoever you are.

you live for the silent afters, i hate when you don't speak to me, i hate it when you walk away, i am falling in love with the back of your head. 
i love you.

is she pretty? she asked.
i smiled, for the longest time.
on the inside..? she asked again
    the smile I had, that faded..
   realising they are never pretty..on the inside..
pretty faces, all over the wall, hideous facades of lies and utter *******.

is she pretty ? they asked, i could never smile again, because the inside became something i could not ignore.
the inevitable truth of what you were, not just the really ******* pretty face, came to light.
i call *******.

like baby,baby,baby,baby....
I miss you and your gone like this razor to my skin,
like this knife to my stomach,
like this rope around my neck, like these blurry stairs, like your true love lost, like I love you, like come back to me, like baby I need you

quietly in love with you for centuries.
fairytale like
feelings of living,
together,
forever.

letter to my girl..
you don't know this but I taste like unfinished poems.
   i say this because when you kiss me hard before you and get a whiff of me, you will search for the words, i will hold you close, while you entwine our tongues and show me how much you yearn for my lips, the closeness and for me to finish this poetry, this book.
you and i both know i am no good girl and i yearn for you touch, your warm embrace, your kisses and so much more...
i will keep on telling you my poetry cannot be rushed just to have you taste me and me taste you over and over again...

as each day passes with nothing but silence, then maybe, with your torturous attempt to loving me comes and passes,
i think of you less.
i love you more but as I am only human, i hate myself more for being foolish.

i don't know about your dreams
i don't know you
i loved you for centuries
you're lost in me
i think of you less
i think of you more as something
lost, out of reach, not mine to keep or rather to bare.

From lengthy conversations to small talk being the new deep..lost generation..
I could never love you deserving.
I could never make it beautiful either. You walked away, I commend you on the well executed escape plan.
the contemplating, gun to the head girl, was not granted the pleasure of seeing your long black hair blow in the wind with the willows. all i could do was put the phone down.

-catharsis.
Cyphers , seeking enlightenment.

You have too much soul to be handled by someone who has never been passionate.
See love, I don't mean to downplay your love but i have a heart susceptible to emotion and i just have tap my fingers and let the sky fall
As I write, the hand writing this letter aches for you, your soul and the passion you possess, my entire being devoted  to passion, enlightenment and soul through melodies sung for Melanie, I sing and let the sky fall. My heart entwined with my mind has your face embedded in the most sacred parts of my subconscious, sacred derived from the thought of never showing you the passion and soul behind these eyes, the fire within my hands. there's more to me than what the eye sees, the mind thinks and the heart skips, everything you're looking for us here in this box filled with passion, be pandora, open the chest and let the passion devour your entire being

The hypersomniac that could not sleeping staring into an abyss . 
Staring at the darkness trying to figure out where it all went. 
The hypersomniac  thought of you. 
Thoughts of you, kept her alive rather than just of existence. 
Thoughts, imagery, emotions ; you. 
The hypersomniac. 
 My hypersomniac that could not sleep. 
Staring into my eyes. 
My eyes, the void, seeing something of worth, a gem. 
My hypersomniac saw me. 
my hypersomniac, i love her. 
my hands; her cradle. 
rock-a-bye baby. 
 I will put you to sleep.
 I will keep your heart at bay, at ease. 
I will hold you. 
I will love you.

Pretty baked.
#feels
  - watch her move as far as she can from those who kept her together and broke her all at the same time, because she spent so much time alone and without them and doesn't want to feel their presence. " they are leaving again they aren't staying " she repeats, to herself.
#backofdadscar