You just couldn't do it,
And it was unfair of me to ask.
You were never invested
The way I was.
Your free spirit floated
Between relationships,
Swiftly sweeping in shadows,
Like it was haunting hour.
I was locked to you.
And you,
You were looking only to be free.

But still I wanted you.
At that point my body and mind had confused the feeling with need,
But as I was fed heavy doses of maturity
over the years
It was clear that need was not what I had felt
It was desire.

But to you I was latched
I clung to my idea of you
As if I was grasping the side of a sheer cliff.
Fearful that my next movement would take me away
From your face,
Your eyes,
Those lips,
That
Smile.

See it was never devotion I had asked of you.
But still my confused semblance of feelings was,
Hopelessly so.
And, you knew.
In fact, you used it to your advantage.
When you needed a shoulder.
You called me.
When you needed to talk.
You called me
When you needed
Anything
You called
Me.

And so, after you last disaster in love,
As we sat sipping on whatever red wine
You had yet to pour down your throat.
We laughed, and in between chuckles
You told me you,
"loved me"
and asked why there weren't,
"more guys like me."
Misstepping what I believed to be an opening,
I asked why we couldn't...
Why it wouldn't workout...
Between us.
Instantly sobering you.
A feat in itself.

Between stutters, you managed to make your point.
And through a fog of
I love you, but I'm not in love with yous
And the serrated haze of,
I just need you to be my friend right nows.
I knew.
I knew that I would never be unchained.
I knew that things had changed
I knew that I'd always be,
Second place.

I wish this was pretend
I wish I didn't believe that I was destined
To die alone.
But mostly I wish I wasn't scared.
See paralyzing fear brought me to this moment
Dragging my limp heart along,
Bit by agonizing bit.
Lifeless. Loveless.
Heart.

I was never as inept at anything
As I was with
Love.
An embarrassment really,
Like an eight-year-old outfielder trying to catch a pop fly,
But instead of catching the ball,
I fumble it,
And now I've been kicking the ball,
Unable to pick it up
For years.

Perhaps it was the embarrassment,
That brought me to this point.
A point of no return.
The muddy banks of a Rubicon.
Waiting for me to choose
My final step,
In it's final battle with me.
Perhaps it was I who
Surrendered to it,
Too long ago.

Maybe there is someone out there
For me,
But they better be wearing
A flashing neon sign.
I'm not interested
In subtleties
Anymore.
So if you are out there,
Dress like a box of vibrant orchids.
So that even my colorblind eyes
Might see it to
Believe.

Blind belief is irrational, and
If the best predictor of future behavior is my past.
Then what should I expect
From myself now.
I've tried not to be convinced of false reality,
Ever since I learned the truth
About Christmas presents
When I was 7.
So, I wish this was pretend.
I wish I didn't believe that I was destined
To die alone.

The venom leaped from her tongue, Into my ear,
And I wish I could say that
I didn't deserve it.
But in the heat of the moment
I went for the win
Instead of
Letting
It
Go.
Maybe I should have kept
my thoughts
To myself.
Perhaps then we wouldn't be in the predicament
That we
Are in
Now,
Had I took a taken a
Moment
To
Pause.

With her throwing whatever
She can grab ahold of,
That isn't fastened to the floor or wall.
And me,
Hoping to dodge projectiles,
As I stutter through heart felt apologies.
Realizing that my razor coated words
Had finally done the job,
But that I regretted them the instant
They passed over my
Tongue
Teeth and
Lips.

There was no going back
To the argument we had been having,
Before my mouth loosed
What would be my regret
For years
To come.
Because how would she forgive me
If I
Couldn't
Forgive
Myself.
The words had been etched
In stone.

In separate rooms we retreated
Our ceasefire seeming to begin
At the same time
Her arm
Grew
Tired.
Through the wall I could hear her packing,
Between her sobs and screams.
And on the guest bed I sat.
In stunned silence
Shocked that we would
End
Like
This.

When she burst out of our bedroom door.
I rushed to see if I could meet her in the living room,
And as she gathered
Things that
Were hers,
The idea of "ours" having vanished hours ago.
I snuck in words that she would never remember
I'm sorrys
I can't believe I said thats
And
Please forgive mes.
The words pelted her armor, but bounced off
With nearly audible
Pings
And
Tings
My words had created my own Jericho
My former comforting walls,
Now tumbling around me.
As she slammed the door,
Bag in hand and the words
"I'm going to my mother's, don't call"
Hanging
In the blistered air.
I sank into my chair,
The scene
Of
The
Crime.

I search, but I rarely find
The reasons they say that I'd be fine

Fine is perspective I say with a wink
First amused then confused they stop and they think
"What does he mean," they say through closed teeth.
I'll tell you what I think and believe
See no one ever gets out of life alive
So I find it inexplicable why someone would try.

That might seem negative in practice or thought
But life hands out lemons or so I've been taught
But the second half of that statement I never have bought
Don't make lemonade be happy with the lemons you've got
Cuz each one you get teaches you something you see.
Just embrace life for itself what will be, well, will be.

Some risk the now for future's sake
Spend all their time planning just to get raked
Over the coals by the pressure they've placed
On themselves trying to force their lives into shape
I learned early on that square pegs just don't fit
In round holes, so what's the point in forcing it.

Life ebbs and flows, steals, lies and cheats.
If you aren't ready for its storms you'll be blown off your feet
To weather the storms of lightning and sleet
You'll need recover regroup and repeat,
The lessons you learned when you were so young.
Yes, plan a future but in the now, please, have fun.

Calloused is defined as having a hardened area of skin.

But I would venture to guess
That if you looked at my heart
And compared it to
My feet and my hands
That my feet and my hands
Would be in better shape.
See manicures and pedicures exist
But regardless of all the wear on my heart.
There's no procedure that can soften it.

Life has taken sandpaper to me.
Marring me through
Missteps in love
And searing loss.
Leaving me hardened,
Which served its purpose,
At least I wouldn't be easily hurt anymore.

I avoided love.
Not out of fear, I'd tell myself,
But because I was done looking for it.
I'd tell people that I was waiting for love to find me.
And so I'm still waiting
Or hiding.
From the fear of opening up.
From the fear of softening.

It's hard to be yourself
When you know that
You're scarred
Or scared
Or both.
So the callouses come in handy.
Keeping me from pain and hurt.

Actually, I prefer the term hardened to calloused.
Simply for the sake of finding a better connotation.
I'd rather be hardened by my circumstances
Than calloused by them.
I'd rather be hardened by the hurt
Than calloused by it.
And if loss were to strike me in the face again,
I'd rather be hardened,
Instead of calloused.

But if you'd grab a dictionary
You wouldn't be fooled by my attempt,
At clever wordplay.
You'd realize that both are the same,
And that whatever I'd chosen to call myself
Didn't matter.
I was still as broken as ever.
Still scarred.
Still scared.
As hardened
As calloused
As ever.

I know it's hard to believe,
But I've never fallen into love.
No really, I've never fallen.
It's always been more like
Drowning.

While others gently dive in,
Barely disturbing the surface,
And then relax as they calmly float in their warm bath of emotion.
I cannonball.
To the bottom.
And as love is dispersed all over the other patrons, disturbing their peaceful swims.
I force my face to the surface.
Gasping, pleading.
For another breath.
Then as if i am grabbed by the ankle,
My head goes under again,
My fingers grasp at anything,
Hoping, praying.
That something solid might materialize at their tips,
I continue this pattern of bob and flail.
Never finding a rhythm.
Disturbing those floating near by.
Until the thought comes to mind,
As I receive stares from others
Who pass judgment on me through their piercing pupils,
"Maybe I'm doing this wrong?"

Heart beat, beat again.
Don't leave me alone my only friend
Don't leave me here to die in vain.
Don't leave me please just say my name
Just clasp my hand keep me awake
If I sleep I'll slip from your embrace.
So shake me hard, I'm leaving soon,
Keep me from slumber and here with you.
My blood runs cold it won't be long,
Please sing to me an angel's song,
True beauty's voice inside my ear
To fill my sails away from here.
This ship I'll take to rest in peace.
Sweet voice, sweet girl, sweet night.
Cease.