My lovely Sophia,
She gets naked for me.
When I'm lonely she calls,
And talks to me.
When I make a joke, she laughs,
sometimes with, sometimes at me.
As long as I can hear her laugh though,
I am quite happy.
Her ***** are perfect,
So round and bouncy,
And when she pinches her pink *******,
I get quite antsy.
I want her, I lust her,
I desire to defile her greatly,
Her mouth puckers up,
And her eyes beckon me hungrily,
Its better with her fingers though,
The way they spread her *****,
I can see everything, my **** little ****,
Putting it on display,
Then ******* it clean,
Though, of course,
Only for me.

Every time I see her,
Smiling so innocently,
She never is looking, unless its already past me.
I feel like telling her to stop,
Stop faking, stop being nice.
Because every time she shines, My light gets a little darker.
Selfishly I almost cry at night, listenin’ to Kid Cudi,
Hopenin’ maybe if I’m sad enough,
She’ll get in a time machine and just come clean.
Well chaos theory says its gonna happen eventually,
But until then, I think I’ll just give a word of advice for all you wayward women.
Take it from me, take it from personal heartbreak.
It is a thousand times better to say no,
Than to say yes and not really mean it.

So, I remember,
I remember, nothing,
But oh, lord, non existant,
do I dream of everything,
And I have to come to grips,
That she still haunts me,
That's she keeps my **** soft,
Late at night,
When all I want to do is,
Cry and *******,
And she's watching Dexter with another man,
And her life is yet great,
And My life is yet still a sham,
Oh, love, cursed though you be,
I crave you desperately,
It's funny because all you've done is ruin me,
Put me on my own,
Solo, and wrecked,
The crash and the burn the *** and the low,
Without any chance of rising,
Oh, yes, that is how I feel,
And if she saw this,
Would she be sad,
No, she'd just laugh,
For all I've ever been is a joke,
and the comedian is me,
Listen further I'll tell you sweetly as I puke,
Oh, not so discreetly,
But the tears won't come and so I won't hide em,
My love, my dear,
My sweet manda moo bear,
I was once found, now lost again,
Coming to grips with my innate fears,
Though nothing helps,
No gloves are enough,
To understand I am alone in this world.
The fault, the failures my own,
Broken, like the song that just won't play right,
Like the ***** that just wont feel tight,
Pulling out because it is too much for you,
And you call yourself a man?
NO!
No! Failuremore, evermore,
This reality a perspective,
You dream on your own,
While you lose your own mind,
And no one much cares,
Hell, why do I even write,
Write to further my alone,
Loneliness, yes it becomes a state of mind,
A loss of self, A conciousness of lost,
And you cant be, what you were meant to be,
Can you see,
I am coming to grips,
With sadness and insanity,
Forgive me.
But length is not long for me,
In this poor world.

Im finally ready to talk about my mom
Now that I feel this numb
she died half a decade ago
and I loved a woman half a decade ago
When I was playing video games on the couch
on the corner imagine of that L shaped green couch
and I slowly realized out of the corner of my mind
more out of the corner of my consciousness
that my mother was dead
laying right next to me
Cold unresponsive and unbreathing
It was now looking back on it
a direct parallel to at least two different moments in my life
When my brother died and I stood outside my mothers bed
barely gathering the courage to wake her
often crushing eternities of silence keeping me from prodding her
from daring to say her name much after
I dont remember when she did awoke
I dont remember her unbearable fear
or the wanton panic in her eyes
but I remember my own
Oh I remember my own and
I kept her just out of sight of cognizance
Before moms funeral
the latter correspondent showed
I had *** with a lie
a lie I knew well
But I kept it just out of sight
No just at the edge of my mind
The drive home
with her brother in the back seat
and my *** deep inside her
fertile cheating womb
My Dark Twisted Fantasy
Bent right around me
I dont remember what I said
Panicking
I couldnt look her in the eye
Id only see myself
And I have to keep her out of sight
just on the line
to where maybe I didnt get here at all
maybe not me but another me
isnt experiencing this reality at all
shock they call it i think
fear
coping
dissociation
compartmentalizing
the trauma
the oh not me
I sat there for how long
playing a game I did not remember
as it was going on around me
my mind was already bleaching
forget forget fade to black
and still she laid there
not breathing
covered in her own blood and mucus
in a position that was disgustingly revealing
till they came
and took her carcass away
and I held someone
some family member or friend or some such
not even blinking and her
just out of sight
just out of thinking
until she left
and my weakness unyielding
exited too
only cold reality now reaching

The epilogue
of this ugly selfish poem
isnt all that revealing
not like before
not like after
I havent been able to form a real relationship
even at twenty three
I maybe came close but
Ive realized im very much a broken being
there was some sort of lesson
or personal growth
some sort of fundamental strength or courage
that was supposed to be found in hope
theres supposed to be a happy ending
a someone special waiting for me
no its not whats on tv
its all my sanity can dream
yet i cant share or feel
these dark deathly thoughts
i cannot even risk now
being rejected instead of
alone in my haught
oh ill only look
in the dark corners of the web
and ill only take and ill never give
i dont know where else to look
i never really did
and i have no moral compass to guide
only my experiences now to abide
so the epilogue is simple now:
Maybe I'll see you one day,
Around the corners of these ugly selfish words.

The blood moon
Fell softly in the night
Just another night
Alone
Nothing special
Nothing different
At all.
Just a ******* red moon
To mirror my long
Fall

Upon a moonless night,
The man among the dreary horse,
Cried a lonely tear and said.

To die a lone be the best of dreams,
In this cold and blue night.
The void is fulfilling my loneliness.
Come and listen to it sing.

For songs will be sung, true and untrue,
And voices will silence into one.
When I sleep I fly, but in this earth I’m bound to die.

Rescue me then, O lord of the Dead,
Beelzebub take me, I’ll be you’re bride.
And the winter will come again.

Then in a time later when,
The other dream came imagined in,
The lion showed his mane and roared.

How fearful and hopeful the sound reverberating upon my skin.
Sealing doubt cast into the fiery Furness.
Say what you say about depression or doubt.

For there is no better cure
Than to smile all demure,
In the face of hell.

Betrayed, O to be betrayed,
A once betrothed and now misbehaved.
Misdeemed and misdeeds creeping upon me,
Fighting for friends now uncertainly,

Walking own a bent path,
Finding less and less are on task,
More would rather hang out back,
And what's a man to do in a world like that?

What started as a fellowship,
Now ends in dismemberment,
And the lonely feeling sinks in,
And the friends become foes, at the turn of a pen.

Setting my up for failure,
Jealous, or unsure,
I wish I cared anymore,
But that time has long since gone ashore...

And so as I look into the sea,
Something as dark, desolate, and as desperate as me.
I add a few more salty tears to its salty depths,
In hopes that this feeling of apathy will be ceased.
But I think a part of me knows,
Long before any more blows,
That this is the Real World,
And there is little time now for woe.

If ignorance is bliss,
then I am the sunshine
of a spotless mind.

If self-deception is peace,
then you are the moon
to my bare earth.

If a lie is the truth,
then we are the glimmer,
in the eyes of the blind.

If your love was wrong,
then I thank you
for ever making it feel so right.

At the tender age of sixteen,
My darling was taken away,
To heaven or hell,
No one knows…

Her life a gamble,
And her death so,
Inconsiderate,
She just had to go…

What do I do now,
At the tender age of sixteen?
Without her caring presence,
And uplifting grace?

Perhaps a drink,
Maybe a smoke,
While she still yet,
Watches me.

Ruin my life in her name,
To see if we become even,
In pain and equity,
It hurts to be…

Without my darling,
Trish, the meek.

I close my eyes,
and where did I go?
Oh why doesn't anybody know,
Dearest dear, of yesteryear,
How come I still hear the chill of your voice,
In my deaf little ears?

Along a long road,
With nowhere to go,
Oh in life you bet on yourself,
Thinking it's the best bet in the book,
And then you break down on the side of the road,
And you find yourself alone, alone,
And you weren't a very good bet after all,
Alone, alone,
You put yourself there.

You open your eyes,
now it's darker than when you had them closed,
You hate the lights in the distance,
Because you remember when you shone,
Oh it is sickening, leave me here,
Leave me alone, alone.
Along this road,
This road, well I lied to you,
My love, My now absent heart,
My queen now deparated,
Smart, just like all the others,
I lied when I said this road goes on,
goes on and on,
I lied when I said it was a long road.
Sometimes, you just gotta fold.

Insomnia thou art my lovely mistress,
Enticing me further into the darkest mornings,
And then leaving my bed lonely at day break,
to go find another man.

Still, half loyally, you come back to me...
And oh, though otherwise I try, fitfully,
I find myself always opening my sheets,
And snuggling up close to you,
As if the cold of death and desperation,
is my only warmth.

It begets only painful awakenings,
And much like a good mistress,
The womb of your efforts,
Bears no fruit,
Nay just desecration of my psyche,
Just a half step in one realm,
and a half step half asleep.

Ah, what should I do,
Fight your presence off dearly?
I'm afraid I"ve had you round so long,
I can't remember myself lonely.
Imagine that, I guess,
I'll have to settle for your back handed love,
And ponder many more twilight mornins,
With you, my beloved insomnia.

Oh he lost his dreams,
lost his being,
his will to seem,
to think, to be,
to feel, to see,
he went down to the bottom of every nug,
little boy, little child,
heating up that,
green ****,
dank skunk filling,
rooms and missing the gaps in his,
little heart,
but coming so close,
getting so numb,
intoxicatingly close to,
an actual feeling approximating,
someone close, someone caring.

Don't go to class. Don't go to school.
Stay in your room smoking.
Invite a few friends,
occasionally, not too often,
must keep appearances,
Must keep appeasing,
As he becomes disheveled,
As he looks for Molly,
Alice and Squiggy,
Hugs his grinder,
like his late mother...
Little boy, little fool,
how young you must be,
not to see the truth.
oh but to be sure,
he was his own little *****.
Till his blood pressure rose,
And the heart attacks came quickly,
He couldn't stop, couldn't stop,
He must have died that day,
Oh, he must still be dreaming,
Still in the clouds,
In a kingdom far away from here,
a Kingdom of one,
solemnly,
named addiction and persecution,
of Self.

Isn't there a better way?
O'er this snakeskin shedding,
Than this slow emotional death
Looking for cartharsis
Never to be?

Please, make me, me.
Release me from the birdcage,
And tell me where to dream.

Ah, I look for a tool of my own,
Somewhere buried in the dirt,
Because I am a plow without purpose,
A sword in peacetime.

Sheathed, but mostly lost.
Meaningless, but not wandering,
and so there is no journey,
no art.


Stagnation. Ah.
And a slow morose breath.
Just one long, inhale
For no greater cosmic purpose,
Than the exhale, fleeting.

What a beauty, she said in my agonizing reverie.
Smiling, turning, leaning,
Oyasumi, Good morning.
And the sun's lights ne'er did beam.
The morning stayed dark.
I died, there
heart still beating.

Catharsis is my blood on these lines
I exhale and beat myself dry
I ****** and die all over this mouse
A little less of what I was
And a little more less human.

Catharsis is when I tell a girl
A two page response on why I want her
And I never hear back from her again
And I sit there alone and close my eyes
My heart not even beating the whole time

Catharsis is working all day for minimum
Wage working all night for my own delight
Knowing tomorrow is sleep in daylight
And my body is dying a little faster
So my mind won't have to think these thoughts much Longer.

I almost made it,
I play scenes over and over again in my mind,
Almost kissed her,
Almost loved that girl,
Almost made that play,
Almost saved my brother,
Almost had her say what she was really thinking,
Almost sold that car,
Almost wasn't depressed for a year and a half,
I almost was happy,
I was just a few years too old,
I just didn't have a car,
I almost believed in myself,
I almost didn't give up,
I'm so young but I'm almost dead,
Life goes on just a bit too long,
I almost want a fast forward,
Yeah yeah it's nice and all, but, let's skip to the end,
Oh I almost know where I'll go,
Cuz' I can't stop looking at where I've been,
I'll just keep eating my own tail,
And I'll almost get what I want,
Almost, but not quite.

In the midnight tree,
I heard her calling out to me,
Butterfly wings adorned,
Couldn't mask her succubi smile,
Or devilish horns,
But still she flew,
Majestic, graceful,
and oh so pretty,
And I watched as she sang,
Sang those sweet sweet melodies.

She didn't speak, not in human tongues,
But every word she spoke was true,
"John, John, John,"
I came to her, then from out the tree,
mesmerized, hypnotized,
Her image is memorized,
And she revealed herself to me,
Her naked purity,
Now, I must admit,
with my own sly grin,
That in the air of that midnight tree,
Did I ravish her,
Quite intimately.

It's been a while now since,
Whatever we are whenever we are together,
Disappeared, again.
There are no side things this time.
No plan B.
My life is a lot more empty, yes,
indeed.

It's not that complicated,
though my cursed mind must make it so,
It's easy now, being numb, being blank,
Like exhaling after a long deep breath,
at some point it feels like you are drowning underneath
a dry vacuum and still you keep releasing,
'till you don't feel anything
at all.
Tabula Rasa,
baby boo dearest,
how slowly you made me fall.
To a blank slate,
Rising up upon my former fate,
like a black curtain call.
Blissful. No.
Comfortable like,
going back into the womb,
surrounded, worriless,
in a fetal state.
Thank you for everything,
I said.
Not replying,
Was simply your colored place.

And so she came,
Darkness a supreme being,
Seen what she want to be seen,
Unseen to those other than me,
She came slowly,
Knowing her target was within reach,
Frozen I stared, slightly quivering,
Hoping perhaps I would understand this,
Fated entrance,
Every fiber in my being said run,
And every muscle in my body said no.
A body at war with itself,
Is but a dummy waiting to be used,
But if it's for her, only for her,
Then I think it'll be ok,
Because in that evil smile of hers,
Beyond the death and the darkness,
Beyond the face covered in blood,
I see a little girl, looking for someone to hug,
Just a little human contact,
Just someone to snuggle with,
To be with,
To give yourself to,
To love.
And I can do that.

I’m sitting alone,
I’m typing a poem.
It’s dark,
And my imaginations gone amuck.
I see killers and zombies
Bears and tom boys.
Mothers and fathers,
Murders and slaughters.
I see a lot of nasty things,
I see things that I wish I cannot see.
The one thing I have never seen.
The one thing I want the most to view,
That which forever is escaping me.
Love eternally.

All along the midnight prairie,
Across the twilight plains and rarely,
In those oft forgotten and half imaginary,
Waking dreams of bygone maps,
Lies that kid you used to be a lack,
Lidless moon and starlit flack,
Illuminate loves long lost track,
Wherein , perhaps, dear child, dear friend,
You'll find a way to here again,
But in this world oh so blue,
Where twilight never gleams nor shines on through,
Where going back is no mend,
And dying forward is one's bend,
Verily little boy listening clearly,
My wisdom sense I pass on dearly,
You'll get nowhere on this life I fear,
Without losing your innocence,
In a midnight prairie

Where do the dreamless go?
Do they just drift away,
Does the universe just shrug,
As if to say,
Goodbye, John,
...see you a neverday.

Or rather, worse profoundly,
To see them stagnate contently,
in the half-real mundane.

The routine of grey,
and the blue-collar,
quarter-happy grin.

It speaks much louder now,
than in any once lit din,
where your eyes sparkled with dreams,
today long forgotten.

Oh tomorrow is today,
and every day since.
In the minds of the dreamless,
with no goal forth wince.

Have you ever flown?
Not on an airplane or a baloon,
But like a bird, straight to the moon,
Soared above heaven by noon?

Have you touched the stars,
With a beauty and a light,
A decadence so bright,
My eyes and mind to this day are lit alight in delight.

When have you gone to hell,
And see the horrors there,
Like Dante to the Inferno life just ain’t fair,
Full of lies and deceit, and they are the dammed ones?

Why do you try?
What do you hope to accomplish,
Fight against the bars, there steel, not rubber, we’re stuck in the dish,
Can’t live without pain, can’t think and be sane, what’s your favorite wish?

Believe in yourself, for there’s nothing to believe,
You can’t do much to be something to see,
I know I know, its arrogant and obscene,
But trust me when I say, when I think, hey…
Maybe One Day.

Always make tomorrow a better day,
Things are never the same,
Yesterday is always changing,
There is no past and the present is already gone,
But there’s always tomorrow,
So make it a better day.

Old men givin’ me advice,
Young me ain’t listenin’,
But I’m always teachin’, always preachin’
It’s not bad yet, it’s going to get worse.
Can’t I just be happy, let myself go a lil’?

So I’m talking to all these ladies,
Playin’ Russian roulette,
And I’m thinking’ if I got enough bullets,
One’s bound to hit me.
And maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, cuz’ by now its history.

The Lady asked me as I shared with her my troubles,
‘What are you going to do to make yourself happy?’
I stared there forever, astounded by such a blatant question,
Askin’ myself “what am I going to do?”
I didn’t know as I don’t know then.

Can you figure it for me?
Help me and rescue me?
Cuz’ I’m oh so tired of trying,
This life it feels worse than dying,
When you are all alone.

Pour me a drink, it’s last call.
I can see Satan down the hall, well then I’ll be in hell.
But its okay, I guess,
Could be worse, could have been in thirst,
Except maybe I was, starving this whole time, in the soul.

Sometimes I feel like crying,
Or even extremely, just dying,
Other times, people just be lying,
And I’m buying.

Is it fair to say I’m sad,
When I could just as easily get mad,
Because I know I am bad,
And my soul mate doesn’t love me, not even a tad.

Maybe it’s best to give up,
Give in while you still can, before you become a puppet.
But for her, the girl I keep in my heart’s not so treasured locket,
It wouldn’t be so bad, or would it?

If you’ve never felt happy,
Can you know what makes you completely,
And resolutely,
Lovely?

Now I’m going to change up the lines,
And maybe they won’t rhyme,
Because my heart is bumping faster and sadder,
I’m looking in a dark room, immortalized my
Blank heart, consumed by it’s own ruby red desires
Proving to be strong for any woman to sire,
As I push more and more people away,
And isolate myself behind a mask of foolishness
I live for your laughter, make fun of me please
I enjoy this disaster for it’s the only feeling that’s me
Ain’t no superman, no man inside,
Me but please give me a chance,
I’ll dissapoint, and at last
My task will be completed
And my casket my future, present, past.

Along the shadows mirrored road,
I whispered to my ghost,
I said oh dear, oh my john oh my.
What are you doing here,
This failure you have paid for,
This debt You’ve made sure you will Collect.
How far does the rabbit hole go?
Deeper and deeper, I fear.
Laugh and laugh as the children frolic to and fro,
But to those days you will never go.
When I say you are forever alone,
Do not think im cliché, or a bore.
Instead noticed the holes you dig,
Shielding yourself,
In this dark fiery pit.

BUT I REPLIED,
OH GLORIOUS DEMON,
YOUR NAME I ANNOUNCE AND DEPLORE,
BEELZEBUB, FOREVER MORE.
GET AWAY FROM ME, KING OF THE KNATS,
TO YOUR SCOURGE I DANCE ALONG,
BUT NOW LAY YOUR FLUTES,
AS I REST ALONG THE BAY.
MY FUTURE, THE ONE I’VE CURSED,
LIKE MACBETH’S WIFE, VILE PROPHECYIES DISBERESED.
ALAS, NO MORE!
I AM NOW MY OWN.
I WILL NOW BEGIN TO FAIL!
FOR NOW I SHALL BEGIN TO TRY.

Oh little boy, little boy,
He said.
In a sad, sad, man’s shell.
What is this emotion you feel?
If nostalgia met unchangeable fate,
Still not would we find one, as engorged
As you.
Listen to me now, I am not demon, not even a man, I am you,
Or am I just the wind rolling through.
You are your own worst enemy.
You opened the door knowing,
The Knowledge that abounds,
Was the Devil’s lure around,
The once slim waist,
Of your cordoned off face.

NO! No… I cried.
But to my tears,
I heard not even pitiful sighs.
The voice left me.
And in its absence came my own.
But no matter how it echoes,
No, no matter, how it sounds.
It is dull and lifeless now.
It is my future known and found.

I laid down,
And puked off the side of my bed,
I felt no better,
So I sat in my hands and cried,
and felt my **** growing on my thigh.
Great, I thought,
Lonely and not bought.
I stood up and fell,
I broke and I melt,
Indeed I ****** and I splurt,
But still my heart did not ****.
I guess the pieces were too tiny,
too embeded in the tears,
The burns sank throughout,
Even into my lonely ****.
The puke that laid upon my floor awoke,
Amassed and made into a form,
What was it, Who are you I said,
It gurgled blood and spoke to my mind,
I am your illness, your future, your past, your present.
Submit as you have and you shall be destroyed,
Struggle more as you would and I shall only laugh.
I saw its face, it became clear.
The beast with seven seven's and one six.
Almost perfect in its imperfections,
The face of my faults a trinity of disgusting.
The life of my mother dead on the floor,
That one cheating *****,
And the girl who I adored and left for nor,
I suppose...
Yes I suppose as I laid down,
Choking now, choking more,
This was all written.
Long, long ago,
In a book I'll never know.

Depression darkening.
I see our sin and it is sickening.
Every story is the same.
There is only one.
And it is true.

We all have a choice.
And we all choose the samest.
Thou mayest indeed.
Making mistakes over and over again.
Nothings changing.
Just new scenery.

We eat that apple every day.
And like God I’m feeling the urge for a flood.
But I want to live in a world without Him.
Without an excuse for our actions.
Humanity is illness
For every good a thousand evils.
Even with hope peeking out in
Timshel.
We choose evil.

I choose evil too.
I’m no better.
I feel rage, bubbling inside.
The glint in my eyes as I grasp at my sister.
If only I could **** her.
But instead it’s hits I give.
She’s begging for it.

Then there is the man.
Whose face and likeness I openly mock.
And I feel my place in society.
As those above mock me.
I don’t feel much pleasure,
Though I smile and laugh.
Only empty.
With a glint in my eyes shinning.

And as I take a bite of the apple.
And knowledge comes into me,
East of Eden.
Guilt comes into me.
And I see myself in them.
Now I’m just left in the sadness of life.
And I wonder if anyone thinks like I think.
If anyone else knows what I know.
If those people are still living.
Or if we are all continually dying.

For there are people cosumed in their own darkness.
And people hiding flaws in laughs,
And  people staring in the stars seeing tears,
But can anyone see the universal.
Can anyone see the hoplessness
Of it all?

That if it was just you, you alone who was with blackness,
Then it would be better soon.
But no it’s us all,
We all are hurt.
We all hurt.

Who knows. Maybe I just do not see the saints.
Or I see them and do not understand.
To me the balance is broken.
No yin only yang.
Hell, maybe I’m broken.
No happy ending.
Only continuing.

Oi I see those coula
woulda
shoulda beens but
its so long past that I forgot
why it mighta been
yet I can't quite forget how
good they lookin so i'm
stayin at home facebook lookin
and their ***** are growin an
I missed em.
I miss em.
I am without them.
And I fade away.
Sic em.

OH you were honest, huh?
I should respect you,
Oh dear,
For being real?

I tell you okay, cool,
thank you!
That I bear you no ill will,
no, no,
Not enough for you,
Elder one,
I must admit,
how amazing you are,
For dropping me,
For something easy.
Immediate.

I get the decision,
Hell, I share most of your reasoning!
But, *****,
please,
Get the **** out,
of my life,
If you are going to drop me,
And ask me to respect you,
for honesty.
Like I wouldn't have noticed anyways.
Like you owed me an explanation.
Like you cheated on me.
Like you felt guilty,
or,
decided I deserved it.
When really, you just played the game,
A little better,
and when a fairer breeze came along,
You jumped on,
and flew away,
Dandily.

Well ******* ****,
I'll find someone better,
Immediately.
And it's okay.
I'm just being honest.
You have to respect me for,
being real.
Smile.

Oh the path to balance is laid with humility,
But nary a step to success is made in this industry,
without the pebble stones of ego,
lining the walls of of your wallet,
like the vaginal fluids of a well aged harlot.
Thirsty, THIRSTY, then thirsty some more!
Well when only the money drives you, truly,
Dr. Seuss, the places you will go, but for me, no,
I wander lost on the warn down dirt road,
leaning left, tilting right, fighting to find
my own self-same light. For the nights are cold,
though the temperatures warm, and my mind,
races by considering which parallel line is surely,
mine.

The old man is in the wilderness,
His children never borne.
His parents torn.
He lives alone.
And he likes it so.
No one to tell him what to do.
No government to bore him too.
No lost or love...
Little effort, and much fun.
Yet still for this man,
There feels a hole,
Something inescapable,
Yet not quite describable,
Somewhere within him,
Something is missing.
Lacking a vocabulary,
He finds himself lacking.
So he carries on his day
Chopping wood for winter,
Eating fish for dinner,
Beating his dog for pleasure,
And sleeping for leisure,
He lives a simple life,
One away from danger.
A hatchet for protection,
And a musket for intervention.
But slowly the hole grew.
Until it weighted more than he did.
Bigger and stronger than he,
Eating him from inside.
Yet he was a stubborn man,
And he would rather die,
Then ask for help.
Or a neighborly "Hi,"
So his illness went untreated,
And his loneliness grew.
He beat his dog more,
and ate a little less.
Cried at night,
And knew naught why.
Like a black hole it consumed,
Everything it could see,
That hole slowly grew,
From out his heart it bleeds.
One Day,
Their was nothing left.
Just the hole,
In the guise of man.
It did not move,
And it did not breathe.
The dog had already went away...

I am
really good at
tearing away
people who love me.

Tell you a story,
A sick story of mine,
I'm in a dream,
Waking up, and seeing,
Oh, your blood splattered all over mine.
I'm so scared, so terrified,
Oh hungrier still,
My knees shake and quiver,
but my **** only groans...
Gobble Gobble,
Crunch Crunch,
Gulp.
Yum.
The fear has gone away.
I wake up, a man again,
But I have changed.
And I've never been the same.

I've got nothing,
I say to myself,
With a half worn half grin,
oh dear oh my oh may,
I exclaim I explain, to the cracks on my wall,
Dripping blood in my mind into,
my open mouth hungrily drinking,
every last drop, unfullfilling,
I wonder why I wonder why,
my stomach is so empty.

My mind is so full, so engineering,
thoughts and crimes, and lovely lies,
like I love you, I love you,
mi amore! Come to me, **** my ****,
and we will forever more!
Oh she laughs, as my eyes widen,
straight to my sinister soul,
what does it mean, what does it mean,
When I **** only myself,
mentally, and no more.

Look at it, look at it,
the little boy alone,
Oh where did his family, where did his family,
go?
It's not bad, it's not bad,
contrary to popular opinion,
on the island, in the seclusion,
no longer loving, those,
who you can't hear;
and those who you never see,
but who talk and talk,
and **** and ****,
while you sit there and grin,
no, no, please oh no more.

Leave me be, I won't seek thee,
so let me go, oh no you just wont
cause you stay in this mind,
and you are the blood dripping from the cracks
AND YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF THE DEMONS
THE ONES EATING AT ME
FROM THE INSIDE
FROM THE WRINKLES OF MY DEPRAVED
DISGUSTING
MIND.
JUST,
die

I hate dreams.
I hate them for what they make me see,
Worse still is that even as you know their not real,
You believe and it seems,
If only for a second, that what could be or should be,
Or what simply isn't,
Is.

I hate seeing her face,
So sad under those shades;
Take me home,
She seems to say,
But nobody really talks in dreams.
But nobody really talks.

I died in a dream once.
And I kept on sleeping.
What does it mean, what does it mean?
To me death is one long dreamless sleep,
But I fear the opposite, that it is one sleepless dream.

I see his face now and then.
The face in real life I barely remember.
Under the water.
Calling up.
Save me.
But dreams can't change your world.
Tragically they can only make you believe.

My moms there waiting for me.
Though her alone I am too scared to see.
Even my subconcious knows not to tease me,
Knows the scars and the pain,
And how it would bleed me and end me
And I curse them from keeping me,
I hate dreams.

I just want to destroy.
Vanish all you conquerors,
You don't belong here,
I just want to be alone.

Thinking, reflecting in the back seat of the car,
As time passes by in a crystallized disunity,
I believe I was meant to be here,
Today as I am, hating so ravenously.

What if I controlled your lives at my finger tips,
What would I do?
I am not a happy person...
I think for the best but... I just want one day.

You don't understand,
Well that is fine with me,
This is my poem not yours,
The heat that courses within me.

Why it's a beast,
And it's just been born,
Now waiting to be fed,
Feed it, feed me, let me consume.

Flames now surround the world,
And I cry without tears,
My body pukes without bile,
And I die without death,
A rebirth of hellish proportions,
Is this what you expected?
I'm not supposed to be here though.
I- am not supposed to be a man yet,
It hurts.

Is anyone coming?
I wish I wasn't alone anymore.
Its cold now.
I was wrong.

I played Perfect Blue Buildings,
For all the crowd to hear and see,
Katie, laughed, a little drunkenly,
Saying, "Well, God, this is depressing,"
and she laughed a little forcefully,
And of course, the crowd, the sheep,
comfortably agreed,
So when the lull arose,
I looked into her eyes and said,
"Oh Katie, let me ask you, do you dislike this song because it is depressing?
Does it make you want to change to something happier?
Why dislike a song because it is sad, as if something could be wrong just for being sad?
I must ask is it the song you are running from,
or the Perfect Blue Building?"
And the place got quiet,
And like always, compared to the crows that are a counting,
My poetry is SILENT.
But so was she.
In an America where you are free to speak,
Whatever lays about on your decrepit little minds.
Oh, She was so so silent.
Now, ain't that, depressing?

Tip toe, all around me,
Tip toeing all around you,
Don't step on my feet,
You already stepped on my heart.
Inch a little closer,
Too close.
Now get far away,
But I still see you,
I want you a little nearer.
Tip toe, tip toe,
Your cute face right over here,
Just right, just right,
Secluded there,
From my body, my heart,
Not enough, not enough,
I want a little more,
Just a tippy toe,
It's fine, Right?
I see you lying there,
Lost from what you did to me,
It's okay baby, we are all,
****** up,
broken,
wanna be human beings.
Ouch that hurts,
***** get out,
Tip toe your *** on,
The **** out of here.
Or... wait.
Stay right there.
I'll tip toe right back over.
Inches and tips,
Never feeling just right.
Love is one,
Ugly **** *****.

There once was a time,
When children could play outside,
Without their parents fear or cries.

In this time, the world was big,
But at least the little child,
Could explore it to his delight.

In the shroud of childhood,
The sunset is much more intense,
The greens of the trees much more serene.

And when you jump in the lagoon,
With you’re friends beside you,
You look back, and sigh, knowing you once had paradise.

But those days are gone now.
Sheltered lives, and internet.
We dive into the web, with false lives, and lies.

Where once their was honesty, decency,
And a Hard day’s Play.
Now, no more.

Sure, racism is just a joke for the comedians,
But what happens when it is our kids who grow up,
Each getting a trophy for losing.

I think they become the joke.
I think when we started to take out tough love and consequences.
When we started to believe our kids over our teachers.
When we kept them inside during the summer’s days and nights.
When we prioritized effort over victory, over success.
That failure was an acceptable outcome.
When its really, really, not.
That’s when the time we once had,
The golden age of America.
Faded, away.

But what do I know,
Hush now, I’m off to use,
The interweb machine.
This time I’m a thirty-four year old Asian female.
See you on the other side.

A poem you will not read,
Is like a word you will never see,
A dream you will never heed,
Or a smile that you decide to sheathe.

It's the coldest day in winter,
And the hottest day in summer,
The death of a loved one,
Or the birth of someone you never knew.

Like a bird without feather,
It's something I just can't seem to weather,
It always finds new ways,
To make the writer feel blue.

Late at night I feel it's pain,
Th pain of a poem not read,
Like a bird caged,
Or a man unfed.

It cries out in pitiful agony,
Its moans sweet symphonies,
Of pain etched in words unknown,
And of beings far from this world alone.

There is such a cry,
In all of us,
And it's up to we,
To end its plead.

The day I died, was just like any other day.
The palm trees were swaying,
The sun was shining,
And all the cars and all the people were bustling.

A day in July, that quickly passed by,
Into the next with nary a sigh.
I guess it is peaceful,
Collected and calm, into the night, as the moon shine.

Everyone is happy, and everyone is nice
Looking into the future where this is no vice.
My life flashes before my eyes,
And I look back on all the things I’ve done, or failed to do.

And it seems to me the latter is fatter,
All those opportunities,
That I decided I didn’t like,
All those people, who, when given the option not to, I hurt anyways.

All those friends who slowly dwindled,
All my family whom I quickly estranged,
Even my love, of whom I betrayed,
All went inland to escape my storm.

Am I sad? I don’t know I’m dead.
But I think I’m disappointed.
In myself, my behavior.
The girls, the weather, the self-destructive actions.

But as I get closer and closer to my core,
The storm starts to dissipate, my disappointment no more…
I find the one good deed, of which I will be remembered for.
The care of my mother, the blind ******* *****.

I am the greatest, and I have no remorse.
Forget about death, or life any more!
I am beyond words, comprehension or tears
I am the fears you hold to so dear!

You all belong to me,
But not I to you,
As you see me every day,
In the shadows of the monsoon!

You thought this would be happy,
Or joyously ending?
Well I’m sorry to disappoint,
But it is your *** that is bending!

Once upon a Winter's eve,
The quiet sun gleamed up to me,
he spoke aloud not moving lips,
and a chill went into my hips.

And so I looked into the cloudless sky,
and wished upon a starry night,
I hoped for a better dream.
One in which my heart could sing.

But the scars which have carried me there,
Would not leave my hair,
and so they dragged me down,
Until at that was left was Winters gown.

Still alone I gather here,
Along this shallow tear,
wishing for a better morrow,
Although all I've seen is sorrow.

My late night malaise.
My recurring waking dream.
My vestiges of depression.
Turning inside out on me

Uncomfortable feelings.
That I do not know how to control.
I lay here passively.
In the dark. And let them wash
Like tides ebbing and flowing
On my tiny soul.

Late night malaise.
I'm stuck in your
Twilight zone. Trying to pick up someone
Who will make me feel at home

But my golden years feel so long gone.
People look at me and wonder
How I was ever good looking at all.
Failing to understand who I am
Again .
A light malaise. Yes. And endlessly deep.
A perfect fit for
A broken man.

I'm a ******,
I look at blue skies,
Yearning for gray.

Oh, baby, I'm a ******,
I dream to be great,
and Stick myself in the Mundane.

****, I guess I'm a ******,
I need a woman,
Keep myself well locked away.

Turned out I was a ******...
I loved you so much,
But it led you to profane my...

I've always known I was a wierdo...
Apathy never seemed  anything but pleasing,
Not since I buried my heart,

Now I close my eyes, in front of my friends,
A ******, Unabetted thoughts racing through my head,
It's just another

I'll climb a thousand hills,
stumble on every rock,
fall on my knees and,
fight myself to stand back up,
again.

I'll hitch a flight,
on your dust,
across the milky way,
and wonder if,
you even know,
I'm heading in your direction,
Despite your solar wind.

You'll turn back and say no,
No, no, no, no,
So many times.
And I won't hate you for any of them.
I'll just shake my head and smile.
I'll follow your presence,
till the ends of time,
I won't hide myself,
Alone, anymore.

I'm nothing, nothing,
All humans are just,
Nothing.
Nothing.
But for you I'll be something.
I'll be myself and I'll find,
The place I belong,
At your side.

Today… I had a dream,
But I was not quite sleeping.
Truly awake, yet not quite being.
I saw what I wanted to see,
What I loved most about her.
That we were together, the way she wanted.
And still, to this very moment I am haunted.
She’s with me even now, if just by spirit.

And what did I see, you beg to ponder and ask?
I saw a wife, more gorgeous than light and I basked.
And the years changed, numbers tick tocking,
Her belly swelled and faded, with our numerous babies,
As she smiled and begged for more.
They are so darling, so sweet, well behaved, and most loved.
I saw the band on he finger shine with age, as she too grew and faded.
But it was not sad, it was a joyous occasion.
Because I did too, I changed with her mating.

The hardest part about this dream, this vision,
Was that it is years and times away,
And I have to wait to get my dream girl.
As we plan our honeymoon, marriage and life.
I speak for myself when I say I want it tonight.
Humbly, I am the envy of most men you see,
However, she denies them for their plain interest,
In only her body.
But it’s her soul that calls to me.
It’s her love that breathes life within me.
I was dead but now I am alive and found.
Whenever she tells me she wants my name,
And our child inside. I smile hard, and my toes curl,
In delight of the idea, the morsel of hope.

I don’t know how she loves,
Such a poor average man like me.
But I promise that from now until my dream,
I will not stop doing the little things,
To show I care.
I will not forget to ask about her day,
Or smell her hair.
To others, to those not in a relationship,
This would be creepy and misunderstood.
If you have been IN love like I have,
You’ve done the same as I would.
Now let me explain, for one last second if I may,
How beautiful this girl of my dreams stood.
Her character and willingness,
To love as I should bursts out of her light cool hood.
We stand together, but she is far the greater than I ever could.
But her love makes me her equal in passion and clout.
Though to cloud nine she sends me,
With her reign I go, she is the boss, the queen,
My everything.
My dream.

There is a place deep in this heart,
It bleeds and leaks like my favorite lark,
Hiding in the dark it fights to make its true mark,
But its existence is as futile as it is a fright,
Leading and guiding hell and hate,
The fire and brimstone that only man can create.
It hurts to beat, the never ending drum,
Put my hand to my chest and think,
Is this the last one?

Hoping it goes away,
This curse this illness,
And I have no excuse,
I am my own worst witness.
Some days are better than none,
Even if this life is no fun.
I can whine and moan, or make the best on my own.
Everyone has problems,
But why does it feel like mine are alone.

Like you, there is a war,
For that place deep in my heart,
Invisible to eyes, and x ray machines,
But the battles are over,
The victor, one.
Long ago, it was decided,
As I cried blood from my bones,
That the Morningstar would win,
And the sunset would be gone.

Let me tell you a story,
Of death and a boy.
The boy was dead inside,
Outcasted and harassed,
But his friend and at last his family.

So walking along the street,
No one else had gone upon,
With his ****** body,
And crazy mice.
He met death a waiting.

As his time had come first.
Death incarnate,
And Living Death,
They talked and slowly but surely,
Became the best of friends.

He did not plead for his life,
Or beg to acquiesced,
Death being surprised,
At someone so unsure, being so content.
Broke the Law and the Word,
And let the boy go away.

One day the boy was a man,
In his own disfigured way.
Innocent at heart,
****** in all but the brain.
He walked with stones,
Hoping the weigh his fate.

And Death still followed,
As the protector and procreator,
The one friend that remained.

But alas Death grew sad,
As he looked ahead in time,
And saw that this lie would have to be corrected,
Dave would have to die.

So along the beaten path,
That got colder and colder,
The man became sad,
Yet sure in his task.
Suicide was his only option,
His desire for control on his fate.
What irony, what pity,
To see the trap that lay.
The universe is a cruel thing,
And it had been made late.

The man got to the cliff, at the end of the forest,
When readying to jump,
The lion took him head first,
And mauled, and ungutted,
He screamed and begged for help.

But his screams did not last long,
As Death settled in.
The look of fear, of recognition,
And a lone tear let out,
With his last lifeful look,
Into the eyes of his very first and last friend.

You just want someone to care,
Because you can't just care about yourself,
You stand up straight, and cover the bleeding wound,
You'll tell anybody anything,
And nobody asks anymore.
You bit your own tail off,
So you can't wag anymore.
You clawed out your own soul,
And denied this reality.
You masturbated in bed,
Refusing to feel pleasure.
Alone, anymore.
It hurts now it hurts,
So numb, so numb.
People are foolish beings,
Forever trying to connect to another dot in the universe,
Forever trying to merge,
To "understand"
When there is no such thing.
You eat your cereal,
And the milk is cold,
But you don't care what your brain says,
Only the demons you mold.
The ones that haunt you,
The ones that chase you,
Oh the ones that keep you in this chair,
writing about it,
Instead of doing something about it,
The troubles of freedom,
The lies they feed you,
You can't do anything,
Anything at all in this world.
And if you can one day you'll realise,
It was all a lie,
All a dream, a fruitless hope,
You planted in a barren ground,
A deserted womb,
No longer thirsty for your,
Decrepit seeds,
And a lonely boy.
Sitting there in the night.
And you look at him,
If only because no one else will,
And you think to yourself,
Is it the night that surrounds the boy,
Or the boy surrounding the night itself.

Let it flow flow flow,
Like the young waters of old,
But nothing comes of it,
No plants here will grow,
You can see it now,
You can see it when you are dying,
The shadows reflecting off the sunlight,
are always there, always darker,
always waiting,
taking you away,
Forevermore.

Born from a Dream,
Dying on the seam,
Of your heart,
Taking me apart,
I can feel it feel it now,
The stretch and tear,
Of the stitched be reared,
My tender heart is chasing you,
But only in the dream,
Because dreams aren’t dreams if they are real,
And as real as you are,
I’m just an apparition,
A ghost of an actor,
In this stage we call young love,
Not quite absent, but not quite present either,
A street with an impeding dead end,
Not long now, not long you’ll see,
Born from a dream,
I’ll come crashing into you.
Down or up,
Day or dawn,
Life goes on,
But still tonight I fight,
For whatever feelings you possess,
If not for me then for life,
Happy enough and content to be,
A smile that kills on your face,
How nice you can be…
I’ve never met anyone so innocent and pure
Forgo the spice and stick to the sugar,
Cuz’ girl you are sweet,
Going on with that smile and that heart,
I know how hard you push,
And how long you work,
Your muscles tight,
With every step.
Still your gorgeous, an angel,
Among us mere men.
Gracing us ever so humbly,
With the present of your presence,
So, Born from a Dream,
I think I just want the real you,
I don’t want *** in the back of my truck,
I just want to talk, and hug, and hold, and care for,
Someone worthy.
This is the second act,
And in it we move from the problem,
To the pain,
And it’s clear that the end is quite lame,
Cliché in its very modest success,
And painful in its failure.
Throw that stone at me,
Cuz you know I’ll cry,
Heartache and love take,
Away everything I’ve ever needed,
Every breath I’ve ever breathed,
Full of regret and remorse,
What was once a symphony,
Is now a disjunction,
Harmony and Nature is broken,
And it’s all because of that dammed Mused,
Entitled since and hence, fate.
I laugh because otherwise I’ll cry,
If it was any other day,
And any other time,
Perhaps you could have just said yes,
That for now you’ll be mine.
I think more than anything,
I just want a chance,
But alas its not to be,
For it was my last dance,
A man’s ego and confidence is slim,
As powerful as it is,
Easily shattered and hard to repair,
It takes a skillful and dedicated tinker,
Of which you are neither.
Instead your just as clumsy as me,
Just as sorrowful and lonely as me.
Just as confused and scared as me.
Anything new, anything different,
That’s why in the back of that truck,
I just couldn’t get that kiss.
But you know maybe it’s for the best,
Maybe I’ll be happy without you,
And you without me,
Because if there is one thing I’ve learned,
It is simply this,
If you think its bad now, wait…
It only gets worse.

I believe I was meant for the job,
As our story rounds to a close,
Like Christ I think I was set up,
To take the sins and evil of all,
The burden is deep,
And the hill is steep,
The sun’s a setting,
And it’s the most ugly thing I have ever seen.
Still I won’t open my eyes,
Because even deaf I cannot see.
Its too painful every day,
To be so unhappy.
I don’t know how man ways I can say it,
Born from a Dream,
Maybe!
You are not real, just a vision a mirage, a fantasy
But you are as real as can be,
And babe, I’d give up heart, soul, body, and toll,
If  just for one day, one perfect day,
Where we’d just lie in bed, with the phone unplugged,
In each other’s arms sleepily,
Not moving, not talking,
Just listening to each other’s hearts beat.
And thinking all the while,
I’d give it all up,
If only I could,
Hear this drum tap one more time,
And it always does.
But you know…
As great as this is,
And as perfect as you are,
I am an imperfect being,
While you are Born from a Dream.