Today… I had a dream,
But I was not quite sleeping.
Truly awake, yet not quite being.
I saw what I wanted to see,
What I loved most about her.
That we were together, the way she wanted.
And still, to this very moment I am haunted.
She’s with me even now, if just by spirit.

And what did I see, you beg to ponder and ask?
I saw a wife, more gorgeous than light and I basked.
And the years changed, numbers tick tocking,
Her belly swelled and faded, with our numerous babies,
As she smiled and begged for more.
They are so darling, so sweet, well behaved, and most loved.
I saw the band on he finger shine with age, as she too grew and faded.
But it was not sad, it was a joyous occasion.
Because I did too, I changed with her mating.

The hardest part about this dream, this vision,
Was that it is years and times away,
And I have to wait to get my dream girl.
As we plan our honeymoon, marriage and life.
I speak for myself when I say I want it tonight.
Humbly, I am the envy of most men you see,
However, she denies them for their plain interest,
In only her body.
But it’s her soul that calls to me.
It’s her love that breathes life within me.
I was dead but now I am alive and found.
Whenever she tells me she wants my name,
And our child inside. I smile hard, and my toes curl,
In delight of the idea, the morsel of hope.

I don’t know how she loves,
Such a poor average man like me.
But I promise that from now until my dream,
I will not stop doing the little things,
To show I care.
I will not forget to ask about her day,
Or smell her hair.
To others, to those not in a relationship,
This would be creepy and misunderstood.
If you have been IN love like I have,
You’ve done the same as I would.
Now let me explain, for one last second if I may,
How beautiful this girl of my dreams stood.
Her character and willingness,
To love as I should bursts out of her light cool hood.
We stand together, but she is far the greater than I ever could.
But her love makes me her equal in passion and clout.
Though to cloud nine she sends me,
With her reign I go, she is the boss, the queen,
My everything.
My dream.

You just want someone to care,
Because you can't just care about yourself,
You stand up straight, and cover the bleeding wound,
You'll tell anybody anything,
And nobody asks anymore.
You bit your own tail off,
So you can't wag anymore.
You clawed out your own soul,
And denied this reality.
You masturbated in bed,
Refusing to feel pleasure.
Alone, anymore.
It hurts now it hurts,
So numb, so numb.
People are foolish beings,
Forever trying to connect to another dot in the universe,
Forever trying to merge,
To "understand"
When there is no such thing.
You eat your cereal,
And the milk is cold,
But you don't care what your brain says,
Only the demons you mold.
The ones that haunt you,
The ones that chase you,
Oh the ones that keep you in this chair,
writing about it,
Instead of doing something about it,
The troubles of freedom,
The lies they feed you,
You can't do anything,
Anything at all in this world.
And if you can one day you'll realise,
It was all a lie,
All a dream, a fruitless hope,
You planted in a barren ground,
A deserted womb,
No longer thirsty for your,
Decrepit seeds,
And a lonely boy.
Sitting there in the night.
And you look at him,
If only because no one else will,
And you think to yourself,
Is it the night that surrounds the boy,
Or the boy surrounding the night itself.

Let it flow flow flow,
Like the young waters of old,
But nothing comes of it,
No plants here will grow,
You can see it now,
You can see it when you are dying,
The shadows reflecting off the sunlight,
are always there, always darker,
always waiting,
taking you away,
Forevermore.

This poem confirms it.
I am a great poet.
And not because I rhyme,
Because I don’t.
Or because I use metaphors,
Because I won’t
Just like the sky,
I am for everyone.
My words are meant to be sad,
But to overall cause a thought.
To relate my pain to your pain.
To transfer an idea,
The only one which matters.
We are all the same,
Just living our lives differently.
When I am heartbroken,
You are heartbroken.
Because we are all heartbroken.
And so I am a great poet.
Because I can share,
This simple fact.
And make you think,
About that one time a guy or girl,
Broke your heart,
Or brought it back,
And so you’ll say I’m right or wrong,
You’ll criticize the technicalities or,
Over joy over the story I preach,
But in the end we all agree.
I am a great poet.
And this poem confirms it.

Darkness is encompassing my entire being,
As I’m talking to ladies(?) on the internet,
So ***** so ******, and its delicious,
I want, I crave, I’m already past addicted.
I’m past hard, and past, rock, diamond to the core.
No self-serving hands can release the beast,
Only their words their promises feed my meat.
But inside I’m still a little scared,
A little apprehensive that I don’t have a candle,
Or even a ladder to get back up.
Instead I’m stuck down here,
Deaf and blind, senseless in all but the lust and the mind.
Listening to some Justin Timberlake,
And reading ***** stories,
Oh how this is such infernal bliss.
It’s a good thing God doesn’t exist,
For my muse, for my with.
But I must complain, I must protest,
That the best part in all this,
Is doing what I’m not supposed to be doing,
With people who I can’t even miss.
****** affairs and fantasies,
The beauty of the naked body.
For some it’s a bright white light,
Showing them what they’ve never seen before,
The hidden, the trapped inner conscious.
But me is what it’s always been.
****** and not even hidden.
So there is no light here,
No positives to take,
Except perhaps some gratification,
And these stupid lies to bear.

Lie harder.
Cheat farther.
Look inside of me.
Tell me what you see.
Is that a child living there
Or is it simply the culmination of all our fears.
Is there an end
Or does it repeat in fateful trend.
Why must reality exist?
Why can’t I make my own list.

Why am I so alone.
Seems like the more girls I know,
The less I feel at home.
Because they all say such funny things,
We are all such great ******* friends.
Seriously I’m always there for them.
Whoopee for me.
But all the ladies do is talk
Talk and talk and talk.
Why won’t anyone hug?
Where is my hand to hold?

That’s why I stay up till two.
And wake up at three.
That’s why I come to school all bleary
Cheerful as can be.
Why I have to stare up at the night sky,
And find that lone star shinning
Just to start crying.

You can ******* lie to me baby.
If that only means
I can be back in your life.
If I can see those eyes again
And that smile
And that presence
I almost feel alive
Over a ******* lie
4 years since

I am hopeful one day you'll forgive me.
I am hopeful one day you'll let me care for you.
I am hopeful one day you'll talk to me.
I am hopeful one day I won't break your heart.
I am hopeful one day you'll take my loneliness away.
I am hopeful one day I'll find myself in you.
I am hopeful one day I'll belong there with you.
I am hopeful one day we'll eat pizza together.
And shower one another.
And cry together.
Instead of apart.
All because you said hello.
Oh, it tortures me.

Haunted,
To this very day,
When I saw night,
Under the blue moons blue.
A demon, young as me,
Beginning to spread its wings,
And take off to flight.
And as he majestically spread,
His evil bearers,
I understood the regality,
He must once have carried,
Demons were once Angels…
And that’s what makes them scary.
That something so good,
Could turn so evil…
He attacked viciously,
Everything in sight.
His anger and wrath and lust,
Had no respite.
Until he awoke,
For he was awake but sleeping.
And saw his hands,
Looked quite like mine.
And those eyes which even still,
Were burning…
Looked similar to mine.
And those wings on which he flew on,
Which were never actually there,
Disappeared.
And suddenly I realized.
Where there used to be an Angel,
Now was me,
A Demon.

Do you think I've changed,
If so do you think I've changed for the better?
Am I better man now?
Am I a man at all?
Are these questions even meaningful,
Or does death's irreverent embrace,
Make it all irrelevant.
Tell me for as smart as I am,
I am unknowing,
Just gently stroke my cheek,
tell me I've grown.
That the fairy tales were all true.
And that my moms really not dead.

She talked to me today.
Why, I’ve made so many mistakes.
It hurt so much when she revealed them.
But today… today she redeemed them.

With just her words, on my cellular device,
Telling me everything’s cool, and genuinely interested,
She laughed and acted as she knew me.
And something beyond joy, beyond happy overthrew me.

Its not love, at least I think it not,
She’s already denied me, and I guess that’s alright.
But sometimes late at night, I find myself thinking and perhaps hoping,
That’s we’ll play 20 questions again, and we’ll go back to the beginning.

She’s so ****, and ******.
Her curves like the fire bending out from the sun,
Warm. Too hot.
It melts me just thinking about them.

I wanna feel her, inside and out.
Maybe its plainly ******, maybe not.
She can make me so glad, and so disappointed,
Not in her, but myself, and the failures I’ve created.

But I guess its okay.
Because today she talked to me.

Beginning today,
I think I will see,
A doctor for, he,
Is smarter than me.
And it is quite plain,
From here to Maine,
That I am not so sane,
As I try to string lines,
In fitful rhymes,
I fail to grasp,
A complete melody.
Its painful and contrite,
To enjoy in this delight,
Of slow agony and belief,
That one day I will create a masterpiece.
To be remembered for that day,
Have little kids from then on say,
He was a god amongst men, watch him play.

Something I regret, something I hold dear…

I’m married now this golden circle never ending.

It burns
As it stares back at me
And I am its first, it’s last victim.
The ******* of this love is more
THAN
I
CAN
BEAR

So…
I’m going to do something I regret,
Something I will hold dear.
I’ve never been much of a ladies man,
And so if I’m gonna do it, might as well go all out,
I get the pills and the chemicals,
And I get the hottest girl I can find,
My dungeon, my laboratory all set in.

And I take, and I give,
The rose red blood,
For the creamy white seed.
Its sickening an beautiful,
Creation at its best,
At its worst.

I wonder which one I am,
As they haul me away,
My friend, my parents… and oh! The look on that *****’s face.
That “wife”

I eat it up. Num. Num. Num.

My place in the world,
Small, fleeting,
Stressful, insignificant,
Oh, but blissful, rewarding,
Earning your keep,
Meeting your goals,
Dealing with people,
Getting better every day,
Mastering your craft,
Oh the paycheck ain't great,
And I don't have a fancy education,
Nothing a book could teach me,
Or a teacher lecture me,
That could reach my core,
And fill the emptiness,
So I left.
And, now, like every American,
I fell down at some point but,
Yes, I'm Free!
Yes I'm finding what it means to,
Pursue being happy,
And I hate that you don't wanna be here,
I hate that you don't want to support me,
I hate that my journey takes me,
Far away from you,
I hate that, you look down upon me,
With half-fond memories, stained by,
All the hasbeens and could beens,
And almost was's that we were,
That maybe if I'd just never fell,
Maybe if I hadn't wasted that year,
Maybe if I hadn't needed you so much,
In the worst of ways,
Oh my if I had just stayed the way I was,
For a few years longer,
Your ghost wouldn't be here haunting,
Scathing, judging, from so far,
so near.
I need an exorcist, darlin,
you are my demon, you are my fear,
you are my nightmare, my everywhere.
I hate that I met you, that I loved you so,
To this day, pathetically, you are the,
one piece of my life that,
will always be,
missing.

The me that needed you back then,
did not get the you who needed me
not as I was but who I used to be or
perhaps a better version of what I am now.

So our misbegotten love ached and tore,
and you belittled me with an angels laugh,
and I cursed you, forever marking you,
in the decrepit depths
of my now stone dead heart.

They say that everyone has
'The One' out there for them.
But they never tell you what to do,
when you meet them wrong,
and they are long gone.
Long,
gone.

Wise words float in and out of my mind
Like water falling from the sky,
Until one day it dries up,
And the skies are clear and blue today.
Just blank.
I find it darker than those creative storm shades of grey.

Why are your lips so painful?
Why do they curse me so?

What makes your hips so graceful?
Makes them go with the flow?

How are you so perfect?
Yet so flawed?

When did you become a market,
For the hearts of man's thoughts?

Where was an angel born?
Perhaps inside your locket.

I honestly do not know how
You do the things you do.

But I do know one thing to be true,
It's not long, painful, or graceful.

Just simple, sweet, and encompassing,
It is of course, me saying truthfully
"I Love You"

There is nothing better than the hunt,
As I smile so carnivorously,
I think of when I first began,
The day the search first ran.
It was a beautiful day,
As I was locked inside,
By a mother who doth protest too much,
An decided it was my turn to be beaten amuck.
I cried and I cried,
As old as I was…
There was no end or beginning
To the pain that I felt
And so the only way to ease it,
Was to share this pain, with everyone.
So began, my very first hunt.
And now, many years later,
I wonder ever still,
How the hunter has not become the unter,
Even as the scent of the prey lingers.
She is standing there alone.
Alone.
Just like me now.
Mother is gone, so it’s just me.
Me and the hunt.
She has a beauty,
You’d have to look at for a while,
To truly see.
But underneath she just feels lonely,
Just like me.
So I must hunt her,
And share my pain,
As she walks home alone,
Well I take her by the face,
And I kiss her forcefully,
And smother her fright inside of me,
Take her to the “forest”,
Where all will be decided.
She has calmed on the outside,
But the fear is consuming her eyes,
Slowly I take her clothes,
And oh what a glow,
Her skin seems to have been made for me,
For this very day,
Nothing better than the hunt,
And the trophy that lay,
Beneath me.
Being the Hunter I took and I gave,
With blood and with fear,
Forcefully she was laid.
And after all was said and done,
I think for a second it was clear,
That in that pristine moment,
When she first started to tear.
She felt it, Yes she did.
The pain of the hunter and the hunted.

Fetus. Kicking... screaming. Dying a little each day.
Burning, oh the flames of the belly.
Ripe ruby red coursing hell inflaming inside of me.
Each breath is a death, each blink a little less.

I'm old, but i've been told,
That I'll get older yet, and my shrugs, and my ugly mug,
will transform to wrinkles yet.
But bet me if you can, that I'll hit the grave first.
Lonely and cold in my sepulcher friend.

Bones are so brittle,
Muscles so light,
Her rose petals are pink,
if you know what I meant.

I remember it all,
Until tomorrow morning.
When I forget it again,
Until next evening.

What do you do,
When your poems just won't rhyme?
When everything you do, just seems weird, out of line.

What do you do,
When that girl you just can't like, cuz it hurts too good,
Thinks you are a freak, an outcast, an ends to a mean?

I'll tell you what I do when I do what I do,
I go right up to that girl and I kiss her brutally,
Take her breath away forcefully, lovely.

I ask them why am I the weird one and not you?
I'm just as insane as anyone of you.
Do inhibitions really serve as such a great divide?

If so then I must simply die.
For I'll never be happy,
I'll never find peace... whatever that means.

Can I just skip ahead to where I'm successful and famous?
I ain't entered a room yet, where I wasn't the smartest one in it.
Whether I act it or not, I'm a very superior person.

But flaws are flaws are flaws,
and of that I have many.
As she walks away again, not even thinking of the pain she's making me.

Its what your deserve I guess,
When you do what I do,
Put up walls of humor, to cry self-serving tears of pitiful sorrow.

You ever tell a lie?

Don’t lie to me.
I already know you.
You’re the same as me.

It’s funny to look in the mirror.
And see a false reflection.
Smiling back at you.

Devil’s duty or God’s grace.
Both are doomed in fate.
As the tears come down his face.

Sin beautifully.
Lie great.
Die happily.
Alone.

Then.
Wake up.

She thinks she’s soo ugly,
When I keep telling her you’re just pretty.

And she wants to hide from the world,
But I just want to see a little more.

Her smile is sad and proud,
And it stands so defiant at me.

Though, I wouldn’t trade a moment,
If I could just make her grief fade complete.

I wanna hold her now, and tell her it will be alright,
Cuz’ im here now, and I ain’t leavin.

And she’s already promised me a kiss,
Oh how those lips tempt me already.

And I gonna stop giving,
Till I’ve given more than plenty.

Maybe, just maybe one day she’ll understand,
That my feelings my desires make me her man.

Of course she’s sad right now, and oh so lonely.
The world’s crumbling against her, and her breath is coming heavy.

But come these next five days I’ll heal her pain and in stead,
I’ll replace my joyous love, encased in each breath.

I say goodbye.
And all you said was okay.
I said sayonara,
And you have nothing to say.

I turned around,
Half-expecting your hands around my waist,
But when I looked back,
You had already gone away.

I guess that’s how it’s always been,
Guess you have a right to give as good as you got.
But dearest love, the day is much colder now,
And I only have myself to blame.

Existence is
too
Meaningless
to
Contemplate

Every line it ain’t enough.
The best poem in the world,
It’s just futile, useless.
You can’t feel what I feel.
You cannot truly relate.
Even if you could, so what?
What does that accomplish?
You praise me but you do not know me.
It’s worthless, just words.
And what is in a word but nothing.
Just meanings changing, from person to person,
Just sound.
Ain’t no real point to it all if you think about it?
So then why do I continue?
Because to me it feels better than not.
It’s already depressing just thinking,
But at least this way when you tell me I can pretend.
Maybe one day it’ll be better.

I woke up today,
Wanting to cry,
If only I could get her back,
My subconcious mind cant help but try,
and dream of ways to make my dream come true,

But every time it happens, I wake up wanting to die,
I'll never get her back, I know,
It wouldn't work even if I did,
I guess that is the ultimate sign of failure,
Abandoning the love of your life,
Every time you wake up.

There’s feelings for everyone,
The worst for those who try to disregard them,
Of a loneliness born into our bones.
It is a drink best shared alone.

Cancer without a cure,
Beginning in the middle of the night,
Cuz’ there ain’t no stopping this melody,
Until the job is complete.

And oh, If only you could read my mind,
I’d make you mine,
And together we’d take over this place,
Until the sun rises at the very least.

But I’m sleepin’ and I’m dreamin’
And the future isn’t very clear in this depressed buzz,
But one thing’s for sure as I cry myself to sleep,
I can’t wait for one more beer.

Well that’s how these types of poems usually end,
On a depressing insightful and possibly hopeful note.
But I’m the weirdest man alive, so you’ll just have to deal,
As I continue on my diatribe.
Can you feel the flow I’ve got goin?
It’s bleeding and beautiful, and so sooo sweet.
I’m smelling her heat from here and it is succinct,
It’s telling me ‘take me here cuz’ I’m yours to be taken’.

Oh, when all you see in your past,
Is a life of regrets and misery,
How do you keep going,
Disabled and Distraught with this life?
Self-answering questions; as I put a secretly sad smile on my face,
You ain’t stopping this machine,
Yah, I’m saying it, ******* FATE!

Eventually,
All good things,
Must come to pass.

The Day must fade,
Sweetly and succinctly,
Into the Night's kind embrace.

The seasons chance,
And the years go,
Our Final deposit in the Crematorium.

The Summer years pass,
And fade into fall,
And into winter, the death of us all.

Yet after every winter,
After every death,
A New Spring blooms,

Life lives again.
Fight and struggles again
The Sun rises once more.

The plants come back,
The animals out of sleep,
The child is born.

Every day the Night must come,
The moon must shine, and have its say.
But even the mighty moon must too, give away, to a brand new day.

Just to hear your breath,
Even though I am literally deaf,
Oh the twinkle in your mischievous eyes,
The realization that in another world, another life,
Your mine...

It's too much,
My once great mind is,
made low, by the self-same beats of
my heart.
My love I've let you go,
Oh and I cried, that day I died,
Take me back there, let me take you back,
I want that John back,
That's reluctantly in your arms.

I am without you.
Who knew death could feel so good,
Another lonely ******,
Le petit mort,
And oh I only want more,
I find myself addicted to your absence,
Coursing through my sickened blood,
Hungry, ravenous, Like the Raven,
Nevermore,
Darling, love, dearest,
I'm listening to breakup songs,
And it's how many years since,
It's not an obsession,
Because I constantly forget,
but when I wake and take my shower,
Its your body my mind connects with,
I'm nothing, humanity, life,
there is no meaning
a void an absence,
That's why we all seek connection,
Hey if you'll understand me,
Maybe I AM something,
No, just a dream,
Fleeting among the sea,
Washed away till you are alone at shore,
Beached, frostbitten, with a lost stare,
Looking at the sky,
Dreaming up a heaven,
And that you will
take me there.
Not anymore.

I got an addiction, baby,
That sicklesweet look in my eyes, darlin',
I need that feeling, of     beaming,
raven red cast shades of delusion dreaming,
You and me in a beach house sleepin',
Ne'er to be, Ne'er to be,
Nay just this self-serving depression, easing,
back into mold back into form, a dark caricature of me,
Better to bleed, nay I love the urge, and drink the fear descending,
down self-same stairs in paradoxical downward upward patterns,
Don't shake me, don't wake me, I'll only smile discreetly,
But In my Eye the Demons will fly, and oh will they thrash and rage,
their hunger for more suffering ever unrelenting...
and still i'll Feel,
nothing.

Comforting like an old friend.
Gone but always there,
And now back,
Again.

Okay so here’s how it is,
There’s like six girls I’m talking to,
And one I really like,
There’s like zero chance I’ll get her,
Because two isn’t a very friendly number for me.
I have almost three minds, if you count my lower head,
And there are five reasons why I should be alone.
However on a good day that’s sometimes four,
But each and every third day I think it might be more.
My mind is decomfabulated by this infinity of numbers,
But it all comes right back down to one thing.
Which of these six will make me happy?
How can one plus six equal two?
Now that’s the million dollar question.

She comes and goes like,
A brief wind,
In a blustery storm,
dark clouds, and lightning surround,
but here in the eye,
her wind blows quick,
and then out.

And she is gone again.
Hopefully this time,
Never to be found.

I loved,
At one point in time.
But you know today it's hard.

I've been destroyed so many times.

I think  I don't know what to do.
Trapped in fear and bottled emotions,
I think somewhere along the way...

I told my heart, no way.

Worst part is,
I think it listened.
It's done now, gone, see ya!

No one cares, though,
That is fine with me.

I can't even count how many girls have loved me,
Because none ever have.

Hell I'd settle for like,
In that special and secret way.

But today is not my day,
And yesterday certainly wasn't.

I'd be more hopeful,
But the future looks bleak and dreadful.

My family, by circumstance, by pain,
looks to be tearing apart like our broken window pane.

By circumstances we live and die.

This is the funeral with which we all live by.

Well. I'm just sick and tired.

Oh, dear Alice,
Dressed in blue,
Ready to be undressed, if only you knew,
Little girl little girl,
In guise of a woman,
here is what I offer you...

Fall down this well,
oh down my decrepit path,
Dark dark dark,
You wont know which way is up,
But you know youll be falling down,
Down deeper deeper,
As my smile burns Cheshire,
Oh, sweet Alice,
The pleasure I'll give,
As you lose your mind,
Will be so intoxicating hence with,
You wont remember your once stubborn self,
That hid yourself from men.

Instead now, you will exist only for me,
And you will know what it is to be happy,
True freedom lying in complete submission,
To me,
The rabbit,
Who is late for a very important date.
So you best chase after,
And hope, that I await,
You at the bottom of the hole,
To catch you.
And I will.

In the beginning...
That's how it always starts,
isn't it?

The dogs of war,
Barking inside,
burning in the oven of your own
poor, poor heart.

But they call not for gunfire,
or the shrapnel of a thousand bombs,
nay just the bleeding pain,
of your lovers'
soul torn 'part.

And of course, in the beginning,
as you clutch your head,
wishin' for a new start,
there is no comfort given,
nor grace delivered,
upon the atheists so marked,
and He watches with a devil's glee,
all compassionate, destructively.

We walk therefore,
to the beach, and walk furthermore,
into the ocean, where there is no breeze,
and we walk farther still blinded by what you cannot see,
until the water lies over you, drowning,
Babylon's little *****.
But you walk further still, because the water does not nurture,
and you walk further still because the water will not ****,
And you walk into the abyss,
'Til the dogs no longer roar...
When even they cannot reach you,
and you get what you searched for,
peace.

But peace is a lie.
A lie we call loneliness,
brought up in the passivity,
of man now long broken.
For not all journeys are good.
Not all stories have heroes.
Not all poems rhyme.
And sometimes...
Everybody dies,
In the beginning.

I’m looking at the old couple, driving next door,
And I already know that’s us, we’re going to last.

Still, I’m trying not to fall too hard, too fast.
But I’ve already bungee jumped off the skyscraper,
I’m hopin’ this cord ain’t too long,
That you’ll stop me before rock bottom.

Even though I’m fightin it, trying to take it slow,
Like the beautiful moon, every night I seem to fall for you.
You’re even more radiant and gorgeous you know,
I tell you every day so,
Even more in love with me you’ll be.

I love you, mi amo, never leave me,
I’m never going to hurt you, never desert you,
I’ll be there, in hunger and thirst, you,
Are the best thing in my life, now and forever,
Be mine ain’t no valentine,
Its my wish upon a star for you.

Every day is the very start, of
A whole new day of lovin’ you.
Forget me tonight, remember me tomorrow.
I’ll always and forever love you.

These words are inadequate,
For how you make me feel,
My heart bumps and thumps whenever it wants to,
For you I have no control.

I’m trying so **** hard not to scare you,
To push you away or force you.
Because I need and breathe you’re essence, you’re life.
You’re my oxygen filling my lungs,
Every word I speak, its you on my tongue.

This poem ain’t good enough for you.
You’re better than the best.
It can never match you’re smile or you’re embrace.
But if it can make you laugh, or cry for joy,
Then it’ll be worth it, cuz all I want
If for you to be happy with me.

I wish love didn’t hurt,
But its worth it in the end.

I wish we could understand each other,
And be kept hand in hand.

Life isn’t perfect, and neither is she,
But even when I’m sad I’m happy.

Even when I’m frowning,
I wouldn’t want to leave her.

Maybe its an addiction,
But if it is I want more!

Her heart I implore,
As I seek for more glances and chances.

I don’t want this to end cuz I’m nothing without,
The smile on her face, the twinkle in her eye.

I will not lie,
I’m the perfect disaster.

I’m sweet but I'm a *******.
She gives me most everything, but I just want more tears.

I want it all, as she once told me,
“I just want someone who treats me like I’m everything.”

I don’t want this world, this fake device,
Just her body, her neck to lay myself by.

She needs to move closer,
So I can hold her.

New Jersery is too far,
The oceans colder…

Thinking about ‘Hey There Delilah’,
Wishing we could at least be together in our dreams.

She may not like it but she’s my princess,
And I still have to build my castle around her.

No one is fairer, no one nicer.
She is my turn on, my **** touch….

And I couldn’t live withoutch ya.

Oh, I'm looking for light,
In this godless night,

I'm losing my spark,
And the apathy feels great.

With each uneven beat of my heart,
I close my eyes, and its not nearly as dark...

As the life we surround ourselves with,
Afraid of death and the afterlife.

It is called crazy, crazy, to wish it was over.
They call it depression and submission.

I call it rationalism!
What does this world have to offer you?

You take of it what you will,
But to me it lends only bills!

And not of the meaningless thing we call money,
No ******* up currency, no trust we bind ourselves by.

Nay the cruelty of a loveless life, of emotions drained,
Hopes dashed, family cruelly washed down winter's basin.

What do we look forward to in life?
Oh, I wonder, and wander. I am lost.

But to me I am found. I know who I am.
I am the darkness, at 2 am which causes me to write.
I am the boogeyman, the hidden fright.
The fear which holds you from kissing her,
The quiver you try to hide under, your receding grin,
I am the line by which darkness exudes,
I am evil and the joy infused,
I am the happiness of void, the contentness of lust.
I am the sin and the sinner, the judge and the judged.
And I am without care or worry. I am only waiting to be taken.
Oh. Oh indeed.

In the sunlight of a godless god.
I fight to belong.

In the shadow of an angelic demon,
I hope to resound.

My water like anger and passion,
Formless and formed.

Putting my emotions into stories and sadness,
You mortals can enjoy.

I look into the mirror,
Seeing what you cannot.

The face of the depraved, distraught;
Fighting for lost love and feelings forgot.

One day I’m going to hear you say,
Hello, I love you,
As you love and nourish my baby.

I don’t care who thinks it is obscene,
Weird or disgusting, I promise you to give you my seed,
And water the plant every day.

There’s nothing I want more than to make you mine forever,
With a golden band on that finger I adore,
To hear the word’s ‘Miss Unanue, he’s yours’.

I will love and provide,
You’re needs before you feel you need them.
I’ll be a good, loving husband, and a better dad I assure.

We’ll travel the world,
And always come back home,
A loving family to call our own.

I look into the future, and I see our children.
Girl let me tell you something,
They are different.

Special, and gorgeous,
They look like you its wondrous,
I wish my brother could see him now, my baby for you I’m proud.

We talk about this every day,
It never gets old or tiring,
I always love to dream and plan with you.

Whenever you tell me,
I want to have you’re baby,
My heart jumps with joy.

I’m running out of words,
Emotions and rhymes,
They aren’t coming out so structured or kind,
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve told you I love you,
But you’ve still got about a billion to go.
We’re going to grow old and have grandkids to spoil.
Retire happily together, from toil.
And you know what they say,
First comes love
Till the baby in the baby carriage.

For M.N.C. one day to be,
M.N.U.

Close your eyes,
my beauty, oh my
***** little demon,
my succubus,
my muse,
me silly reason for,
silly being.
Feel my heart.
It wont stop beating.
Faster and faster,
slothily increasing,
it wants to burst, explode,
and I say, let it be so,
I feel the blood pour out unevenly,
the circulation failing,
as I smile greedily,
The **** of death coming from
deep inside of me,
spilling from my intestines and out onto
the kitchen ceiling,
where I am stuck
where my mind breathes,
where these halucinations that we call
our reality,
these lies we tell ourselves,
to sleep just a little,
bit more comfortably,
the hate we have ourselves,
of our worldly greed,
that we deny and then,
**** hungrily,
the shame in our hearts,
as we think about society,
and what they want from us,
and how we bow to,
artifical ceilings and devices,
I look down from above,
upside down or
in fact, right side up,
die my little heart die,
burst, burst!
Feel the ecstasy and do not reverse,
I say to myself,
as no one is listening,
and why should they?
I'm just  a death kid,
versing.

Your lips are moving,
But I can't hear you,
A barrier seperates us,
And it kills,
To see the way you smile,
And to miss your voice,

The way you walk,
It's entrancing,
But I can't even hear,
Your simple melodies
They're locked away,
From what is within reach.

It's a struggle,
It's a fight,
It's a pity,
And It's dark,
It's wet and it's hot.
It's sad and it's cold.

But most of all it's alone.
And it's where I am now,
Left deaf by a cruel, cruel world.

Vilified,
Oh so dignified,
Let me **** your mind,
And afterwards,
Lay besides,
The tide's cruel remorse,
Where you got your award,
The ring that binds,
Your worthless force,
Tied to another, by bonds,
Of silver lies, and golden lines,
Wrapped around rings,
Made of skin and dust,
Oh I smile, as I **** another,
Of my previous selves.

I know who I am, who I am,
Says Sam, Sam that I am,
Sam, go back in your can,
It's not amatuer hour, this can't stand,
Go, duck your head in the sand,
Its do or die time, gotta make it land,
The deals are there, you gotta play the numbers,
Make hay when the sun is shining,
Lie when the customer needs to be buying,
Happiness is morose, it twists and moats,
Like an irregular river, never satisfied,
Dried up, losing all hope,
No this is John's hour, the feelings are irrelevant,
I cast them aside, like a blind man's irrelevance,
I'm agnostic so I'm irreverent,
let me tell you what that means,
I'm a ***** and a testament,
To a master and a question,
Left on stone, tablet, and parchment,
Ill last the times, my words echoin',
A big bang of passion and death reverberin',
Into the minds of the young, the innocent,
I'll smile, as my **** swells in hell or heaven,
And I'll *** down onto the world, and into every ******,
And I'll laugh and laugh, a burning,
the once kind heart of an innocent feeling,
Gone, lost upon the fates long winds and,
I'll still be smiling even when they are all gone,
And finally my big bang is forgotton,
And the light will have long left my eyes, testosterone,
Absent for many an eos,
And I'll be alone then, and again,
Ill smile, but it wont quite reach,
My oft forgot soul.

I feel like I’ve said all I’ve been made to be said.
I’ve expressed my limited array of emotions,
In a variety of ways.
And yet…
It doesn’t feel over,
Not quite yet.
I don’t believe in anything, not even men.
But maybe I can make something,
Something.
Something that someday when I’m dead,
You’ll still care about.
That when you feel something terrible or wonderful,
You can come back to one of my poems and see it in a new light.
You can understand and love, and cry, and die with me.

I want you to care.
Because I can’t.
Now there, I’m done I’ve said it.
Now on to years of psychological questioning’

I watch Monster,
And I can see it in myself,
My depression, my recession,
I want to sleep,
Curl up in a ball,
Stop it, make it all stop,
but the ball keeps on bouncing,
And all I can hear, All I can feel,
"Munch Much, Crunch Crunch,
Gobble Gobble, Gulp."

Look at me, look at me,
He says, smiling devilishly,
So attractive, wouldn't you say?
For an ugly chubby excuse of a man?
The laugh, it doesnt end,
But it never reaches him,
The monster inside me has grown this large!
Oh yes, and Johann was such a beautiful name too.
But there was no one left to call him by it,
and let that be a lesson for you.

There once was a girl from Georgia,
And I liked her,
And she liked me,
But I broke her heart,
And it was simply…
Because I was afraid.

We were on a bus that day,
And sitting so closely,
Beautiful as can be…
Playing and laughing, showing magic and tricks,
Teenagers without a worry to say
Except for me,
Because I was afraid.

What do you do?
When your stuck in fear?
For me I lied,
To the one I held dear.
I told her this,
And the mood suddenly changed,
“I have a girlfriend back home,
For your magic she’ll be grinning ear to ear”
Because I was afraid.

I could see the pain,
Covered so slyly under that smile,
While underneath,
Her hear wrecked in facsimile,
Of the storm outside.
Because I was afraid.

It was new,
And it was happy,
And it was everything I wanted,
But I tore it down,
It was change,
It was something I wasn’t ready for,
It was something I didn’t understand…
And it could have been love.

But,
Because I was afraid…
No it wasn’t
And now…
It’s ironic I guess,
That I’m the one,
Who’s really heartbroken.

Can't. Won't. Will not.
I see you there. My weakness.
You aren't always there. You pick
And You choose.
Heart bump. Instagram. Dread.
Same old game. Can't grow up. Can not move on. You're always there. Waiting.
Apathy. Desire. Fear. Loathing.
A cycle of reincarnation. An atheist Buddha. The same life. Feeling new by it's blistening intensity. Just raw.
Festering and sterile.
I do blame You. For everything. But I won't walk away from You. Depression is obsession.  I'm consumed by You.
Cold. Can't see. Can't think. Blood moving eerily. Playing Axis and allies. Can't speak.
You hit me the morning after. I don't like myself. I'm late for work. Again. I dissapointed my Father. Again. I Made bad decisions. Again. Even this sick soliloquy, is  no therapy for me anymore. You watch me. You'll stay for a while. Your face is painfully expressionless. Your eyes dull. You'll be back again. Like the cold winds and goosebumps. One leading to another. Fading, for only a while. If I make it this time I'll see you on the other side.
And if not, at least I'll, go in the light. Even if hell fire is all I right.
Maybe You'll be there waiting. And you won't ever go. I'd miss you. I'd miss you so.

I awkwardly said,
I want to share my poems aloud,
At this place, underground.
I'd like it if you came.

No reply.

I anxiously mentioned,
Some of them will have you in them,
I'd like it if you came and heard,
What I had to say.

No reply.

A few days later, you talk to me, randomly.
I mention I want to see you.
I've had a bad day.

What's been bad, you say?

My job isn't working out and
my car situation is all ****** up,
and my family is ****** up too.

You don't have your car anymore?

No, family needed it more than I.
And I want to save some down before I get mine.
I say.
Emptily. Thinking. No big deal.
This is smart. This is what people do.

But you never replied.
Not once when I needed you the most.

Looking back I'm frustrated.
I cared an awful lot.
And because I did I shared myself instead of
Partaking in you. And I think at a point it became so...
needy. So frustrating. So unmanly in your eyes, that
combined with some ****** dysfunction,
we just died on the vine. Black, withered, and disgusting.
So even though we remembered being green it just,
could not go back that way. And the irony was if I had
just ever figured out how to be nonchalant,
and not care so ever ******* much,
then, chances are, you'd have been my lady.
Life is weird. People... relationships... I don't know.
It's a cruel joke sometimes. Ain't a poem for you anymore.
You never really wanted.... that. I don't know what you want but,
It isn't me. Not anymore.

My sister said, **** that *****.
I smiled wryly and thought,
Once, but nevermore.

I think in the dark times of the night.
Even when the sky is bright,
Perhaps in a few years, when we are older...
I think with fear of a primal sort.
I have a girl that I love,
who I adore, and who doesn't necessarily mistreat me,
who keeps me though I'm an *******, and will take me
rich or poor but...
If you ever became someone who would come
and listen to my poetry
and hear what I have to say to you,
and cared, a little bit, sincerely,
and ever found me in your heart, truly, again...
What would I do?
I don't know but disgustingly,
I may always love you.

I think at night,
When your brain keeps you awake,
Your sub conscious dreaming,
While your mind refuses to take flight,
You find you true self,
And it scares you,
Its dark.
And its alone,
With your eyes closed.

Maybe life,
Is a little day each dying,
Aha, even when your happy your lying,
Next day comes your divorced again,
When did that happen?

I love when people tell me their there for me,
When they aint’,
Hope it makes you feel better,
To watch me sit and suffer,
Squirm at the edge of my seat.

I have a lot to say,
And not much time to say it.

So let me make one thing clear,
If you will acquiesce it.

That if you ever meet a girl,
Don't ever let her forget it.

Ever wonder why they name hurricanes after women?
Cuz the devil got tired of em.
My twisted philosophies, my self destructing
constructions see nothing but the
objectification of my cleverly repressed desires.
Such is life such is poetry.
But worry not little ones,
For soon enough I'll rage
and another storm will come.
another **** banished from min paradise,
to mask a void never quite filled
in my heads of six.