I decided to hold your hand,
Just when you decided to let go,
I realised why I needed you to stay,
When you already had one foot out of the door
.
And all my words feel a little more emptier,
Without your gaze lingering on them,
You knew my emotions so well,
Won't you come back for a minute and have them explained
.
I always could feel sadness more deeply,
Than I ever felt love,
What's the point of holding on to pride, and letting someone go,
When you are going to spend years looking at the Door
.
I was halfway in
When you were halfway gone
You always wanted a poem written about you like the ones I wrote for him,
Just when I picked up the pen, you turned away and walked.
.
Oh how useless are words,
When said,
A little too late.

I wish to be in Solitude,*
Away from countless distractions and useless epiphanies.
I wish to be in Solitude,
Away from tiring conversations of endless encounters.
I wish to be in Solitude,
I long to sit in silence, a blanket of tranquility,
To only hear my own slow breathing.
I long to listen to the trees,
While a wave of wind flows over me, into Serenity.
I long to close my eyes,
To only see my gentle hands and the natural colors of the woods when I open them.
I long to see these vibrant colors of life again,
Not to be diluted by monotonous greys.
I long to clear my head of anyone’s voice that is not my own,
Allowing only the harmonic song that the flowers sing of healing.
I long to heal and to rest,
To forgive my brain and body of self-inflicted harm.
I wish to be in Solitude.

I'm not the kind of person Who shows "weakness".
I'm  the kind of person  Who hides her tears from everyone. Who cries late at night when Everyone else is asleep. Who has to grab her stomach and bite her nails, Just to hold herself together. Who silently gasps  for air. Who has no one to comfort her because although I have people that love me, they just don't understand. Maybe that's my fault... I don't always tell people what's going on in my head. Sometimes because I don't want to seem crazy, but usually because I honestly don't understand it myself. I have never been able to explain the thoughts and emotions I have, because they don't even make sense to me. How could they possibly make sense to anyone else? But when I do attempt to explain, I'm shut down by "That's crazy" or "Just get over it".  Trust me, if I could I would. That's all I want...

When it hits, I feel as though my thoughts aren't mine. I have no control over them no matter how hard I try....

Anxiety is  having a good day and out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason, you feel as though your drowning. Anxiety for me is wanting to call my Grandmother who I love but don't talk to much, and not being able to because for some ridiculous reason, the thought of picking up the phone and not knowing what to say terrifies me and makes me feel as though there are elephants doing cartwheels in my stomach.   Anxiety is being to afraid to stand up in church, when you really, really, need to. It's not being able to live life because your constantly freaking out, and knowing you shouldn't be and not being able to stop. Anxiety is a voice in your head that reminds you of your weaknesses  and tells you that you can't do things because of them. It makes you dwell on a single word. It makes you dwell on everything.

it kills me
to know that you've turned to
those things.

you were getting better, you were.
you made a promise to me and to
yourself
that swore off those things

those things
that make you
giddy and glossy and
float and fall and
soar and sad and
dream and drunk

and make you not you.

i can't help you
no matter how much i want to or
how hard i try.

because in the end, it's you who will have to make the decision
you, who will have to control yourself
you, who will have to realize what you've become.

As a man where do I stand?
Helping everyone that I can
Though I'm off the edge and I'm still falling
Don't mind me everyone else is important

I'd like to say I still feel hope
Elevators are just a joke
That implies that my ride is smooth
If that's so then explain this bruise

And this cut, and this graze
Depression gives your mind quite the haze
You begin to see, and believe
Even though it's not reality

Smile on the outside but inside your dead
Your soul to the dogs has been fed
Can't find the effort to stay alive
Life's a game of run and hide

But do not jump, it's not fair
Can you feel your friends hearts tear?
How about your family? Your three little sisters?
How can you leave when they least expect it?

So climb back down and I'll catch you
Just say the word and I'm here for you
Doesn't matter where you are
Give me a call 'coz I ain't that far

A pain so deep that it's hard to breathe
It makes happiness seem like a fragment of the imagination
Holding on to broken pieces will only make you bleed.

When will you learn to walk away
When will you earn respect from yourself  
When will you see  that your more than enough.