You don't get it, do you? I would drop anything, anyone, anytime and anyplace for you. You're my person and it's cliche but I literally feel like part of me is missing because you're not here. You said I was your backbone and you don't know how badly it kills me that I can't be there for you. I can't be the one you come home to after a long day. I told you at the beginning, I'm ride or die. I see us going places. I see us being the best versions of ourselves with each other. I understand mistakes happen, I understand people get hurt, I understand our situation is ****** up. But I loved you. I love you. A piece of me is always going to love you. None of this was a game to me. None of it was a waste of my time. You mean the absolute world to me; and I think that's why this is so ******* hard. I want you. I want things with you. I want you in my life ten years from now. I want you waking up next to me every morning. I just remember California. How for a few days, you were mine and only mine. All of your attention and affection was on me. How perfect everything was. How it was you and me, against the world. I want that. I want that everyday. I want it to be like that everyday for us. I want us to grow together, to make new discoveries and go on new adventures. I want to enjoy my life with you next to me. I want to be your person as much as you are mine. I want to be your go to gal. I want to be everything you've always wanted. I want to be enough for you. I want to be with you in your darkest moments at two in the morning when you don't know what to do, you don't see the purpose in anything and I want to be with you on the brightest of days when you're high off of nothing but life. I want that so badly. But I'm not going to compete for your attention, affection, loyalty, honesty. I refuse to compete with anyone else for your love. I'm not going to beg you to change your mindset or to finally take action for your own interest, in the interest of us. I want you to want me as much and as purely as I want you. That's why I can't fight for you. I can't beg you. I can't compete for you. Because those are things I would never want to see you do for me. I know what you're capable of giving me. I know how you're capable of treating me which is why it hurts so badly to see you not up to par. You said I was the only one who's been there for you lately, and as badly as I'm hurting right now, that isn't ever going to change. I always told you that I'm yours for as long as you'll have me. And I've been sitting here staring at my phone trying to figure out how to even say goodbye to you. Because it isn't something I want to do or ever saw myself doing. You keep telling me I should do what I want, make decisions based on what I want, but what if what I want doesn't want me? What then? I don't want to say goodbyes because goodbyes are forever I couldn't go that long without you. I don't think I ever thought it would be like this. Loving someone who doesn't know how to love me. At least not in the same way. You may not realize it now, but I promise you you'll think back and remember me. Remember us. And I'll be the one that got away, I promise you that. I wish I could say that I am willing to wait for you to want me as much as I do you. I wish I could say I'd be here when you got your **** settled and remember what it was like to have me. But I can't.. it isn't something my heart would be able to handle. My heart aches without you. There's a literal pain in my chest that won't go away. I'm drained, physically, emotionally, spiritually. I've played it over and over in my head trying to figure what I did wrong. Where I went wrong. Where i could have set myself up for this. Trying to figure out why. But I can't. None of it makes any sense. I don't see how I went from loving you to losing you in a matter of hours. Everyone is telling me I'm crazy for still wanting you. For not wanting to walk away. They all try to convince me none of it was real for you, that it was all a game for you, that you never cared, you never loved me. And honestly, I hear them. I understand why they say that. I understand why they say "if he cared about you even slightly he wouldn't have done this to you". I get it. I do. But they can't convince me. I know you. I know who you really are. I know this wasn't who you truly are. I know you are so much better than that. Maybe one of these days you'll try to convince me it was all fake so I'll walk away. So I'll find "someone better" but I don't want better. I want you. I want you at your best, and I want you at your worst. I want you.
I wish that one day after you have everything settled, with your job with your daughter with her, and you find your heart aching for something you loved and lost... I wish that we could start over on a clean slate. I wish that then you would love me like you always said you did. I wish that that time I wouldn't be taken for granted. I wish that then, it would turn into something real. And I'll hold onto that hope, as foolish as it is. All I can do is hope.
I love you. I love you more than words can express. If nothing else comes from you and I at least I can rest at night knowing that you now know what it's like to be loved. And I mean really loved uncontrollably, unconditionally, passionately. Don't ever forget what that's like. And don't you ever say you don't deserve the kind of love I gave you. Don't you ever say it's too good for you. You deserve the world, and nothing less. Keep your standards high my love.
11.17.15